lovelygirl and me

lovelygirl and me

Friday, December 23, 2011

seizethemoments

Sitting quietly in the chair yesterday evening, I heard a meowing noise and smiled.

Lovelygirl crawled around on the floor with her kitty, Rosie; pretending to be a kitty.  She crawled over by my chair, and I bent down and pet the top of her head saying, "nice kitty" to our daughter.

She meowed and rubbed her cheek on my hand so I played along with the game.

In seconds she was up in my lap, meowing and trying to rub her little cheek against mine.

I held my breath. Waiting.

She worked her way into an almost fetal position on my lap, and I quietly wrapped her in my arms, all the while talking to the "kitty" in a soft voice, stroking her cheek and forehead.

Soon we were rocking and she snuggled up in my arms, like a sweet little lost baby who never got rocked like this.

She meowed a little more, then shut her eyes, a blissful smile on her little face. I kissed the top of her head and hummed.

Then I sang a couple of songs to her, using the "kitty" as her;  "Jesus Loves You This I Know" and "Rock-a-bye Kitty."

Amazingly, her body relaxed.  Then relaxed even more. Her breathing changed and I realized with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, that she had actually fallen asleep in my arms.

This enchanting child. Asleep in my arms.

There had to be a certain amount of security felt in order to do that. There had to be a longing in her little heart. She needed me. She needed to be rocked like a baby. She needed to feel all wrapped up and held. She needed to feel love. She needed me.

I met that need. Instinctively, I suppose...that nurturing part of me able to respond in a quiet heartbeat.

Though it only lasted a short time; our dog barked and she startled awake; in my heart it will last forever.

I could feel the rising in my heart as she slept so peacefully.  A little more love rising up. Compassion overwelming me. A mother's love growing inside.

May I be ever mindful of her needs. May I seize those little moments she offers me, and return her tentative reaching out with true compassion and love.  Watching for them, waiting for them.  Little seeds growing.

seizing the moment.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

pleased

I am so pleased!

Things are working out so well. Lovelygirl is a delightful, enchanting child. Though she is not without her issues, (only have had one accident thus far) her beauty and shining personality far outweigh those. She is a whole lot more than just her "issues." 

Today we decorated cookies, made fudge and also made and decorated a gingerbread house.

I look at her and think wow, she is such a beautiful child...how could those terrible things have happened to her? She deserves a chance to be loved and to thrive, and thankfully, now she has one.

About an hour ago, she was sitting on the arm of the chair I was seated in, all giggling and happy.  She "fell over" into my lap, and then snuggled right up on my lap.  She gave a tentative hug, and I hugged her right back. Then, without even realizing it, I was rocking her...and she stayed put and let me!

You can't even imagine the joy I felt when she let me rock her...and so I told her that since I didn't get to rock her when she was a baby, I could now...and then I sang to her..."Rock-a-bye baby..."  She giggled, and curled right up and let me. This pleases me to no end! She has missed so much in her life already, time to start making up for those missed milestones.

She still calls me by my first name, even though in foster homes it has only taken a day or so for her to start calling them "mom" she hasn't done that, and I am so proud of her for that!!!

This means that she knows the difference! When she is ready to really call me "mom" (if she does) she will mean it. 

She hasn't kissed me and has only given small hugs. (we did have one eskimo kiss...rubbing noses) But what a treasure those hugs are!


I start each day by telling her that "today is a new day" and we can make it whatever we want it to be.

I am staying pretty grounded and am actually very proud of myself as well.  I have managed to stay calm and consistent and making good eye contact and all those wonderful things that Dr. Karen Purvis talks about in her book, "The Connected Child" which I highly recomend you all to read at least 3 times!

Of course there will be tough times...many of them, I am sure. Already I know this...lovelygirl is worth it.

pleased.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

today!

Today is the day!

Today we pick up lovelygirl, transfer all her schtuff into our rig and waaalaaaa, we will have our new daughter for two whole weeks!!!

My excitement knows no bounds.  I will have to keep it somewhat subdued so that I don't scare her! lol
FM did tell her that she is coming here, and she is excited too! This makes me happy! FM is going to be able to have a much needed break from lovelygirl.

I have read alot about how foster kiddos act out very frequently during the transition period just prior to adoption, and lovelygirl is no exception. Poor FM! She has had to deal with all that.  We are very appreciative of her willingness to do this for our girl!

I tried not to plan too much. We are going to decorate cookies on Tuesday.  Maybe make some fudge, candied pretzels etc.

Then just hanging out here, playing games, watching Christmas movies etc.

3 1/2 hours.

Today!!

P.S. weatherman said it WILL be sunny today, just like little orphan annie sang about!!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

tomorrow

little orphan annie

singing her hopes and dreams on a vintage movie

the sun will come out

tomorrow

bet your bottom dollar there'll be sun

just thinkin about

tomorrow

clears up all the cobwebs and the sorrows

till there's none

tomorrow, tomorrow...i love ya, tomorrow

you're only a day away.

only a day away.

less than 24 hours actually

till we pick up lovelygirl

our own little annie

sadly, she doesn't know yet

a two week visit with us, our first christmas together as a family

priceless

tomorrow

dreams, hopes, wishes

if she did know that she was coming home with us for a two week visit, would she be excited? would she be happy?

tomorrow

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

anticipation

In four short days, or long days as it feels at times; we will be picking up our daughter, lovelygirl, for a two week long visit.

Anticipating her arrival here brings a flux of emotions, from nervousness (will we be able to keep up with her issues? will we be able to create some type of connection?) to pure excitement, (making cookies, playing in the snow, reading books to her, and of course Christmas!)

I have to temper that excitement with a reality check, of course.

I don't want to overwhelm her.  Thus, we are keeping it a relatively simple Christmas. No big parties, no big outings.  Simple.

On the other hand, I do know that our lovelygirl has an outgoing personality, at least from what we have seen and heard. 

Guess we will just play it by ear so to speak.  Live in the moment, evalutate each day how she is doing and how to adjust our schedule to meet her needs. Be in tune to her emotions. Be everwatchful so she doesn't feel overwhelmed.

A big part of keeping their anxiety level down is to keep them well informed of upcoming events, at least I keep reading this. It gives her a chance to get emotionally prepared. 

Because it is the holidays, she will be meeting new family members.  We are keeping those gatherings small, and one at a time, so she can process them and deal with each one.

anticipation.

My head swims with all the things I need to be aware of, to be ready for and to watch out for.

She has some big issues.  How will they present? Will she wait until she is here for good and the "honeymoon period" ends? Or will she test us from day one?

anticipaton.

we will have her all to ourselves for two whole weeks.

*smile*

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

celebrations

Fireworks are exploding above my house right now.

Not literally, but figuratively.  Boom! Boom!

My heart is flying right now! Soaring up, up into the clouds.

She is legally free!

Our lovelygirl is legally free to be adopted.  By us. Let the adoption commence!!!

And

that little Christmas miracle that I have been hoping for and believing in...

it happened

Our lovelygirl gets to spend Christmas break with us!!!

I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

our miracle.

our lovelygirl

celebrations!

today

Today is the day.

Today, "Team lovelygirl" goes before a judge, and shows him her paperwork, and her birthmom's relinquishment papers.

Then, he stamps them, "legally free."

Initially, when we first started this adoption journey, we hadn't wanted to even look at kiddos that were considered "legal risk," It frightened us to think we could get selected, and go through who knows how long of a wait and end up not getting that child, or children after all.  Time invested, risks seemingly too high.

God knew, didn't He?

After over a year of submitting, and not getting selected, or getting selected to go to committee and then not being chosen as the family, or thinking we found one, and having it all blow up in our faces; we were tired of getting nowhere.

Lovelygirl wasn't on the typical search sites. We only found her because a recruiter sent her profile to "C" at AFFEC.  She immediately sent it to me. (She is so great!) I read the profile and wasn't sure. I kept going back and looking at it. She had a couple of issues that seemed too difficult at the time.

I tossed and turned it over in my mind. 

Other than these two issues, she really had so few of the other ones.  I really prayed hard. By morning, my mind was made up.

She would be worth the risk.  I felt this as strongly as I heard God promise to me those many years ago, that I would have a daughter some day.

There would be no going back.

So, though there has been a bit of a wait, to come to this day; this day of new beginnings, I have not felt the anxiety I thought I would. Sure, there have been those moments I waver in my convictions. But overall, it hasn't been nearly as huge of an obstacle as I made it out to be in my mind.

Today is the day.

New beginnings. We can finally move forward with the adoption. She can finally be ours.

today.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

rosie

Rosie is laying in front of the woodstove. Sprawled out, soaking in as much of the warmth as she can on this chilly day.

A girl came in the clinic a few weeks ago, holding a tiny 6 week old kitten. The kitty had been wandering in the street, and got scooped up right after almost being flattened by a truck.

Working at a veterinarian clinic has it's ups and downs. People generally think of us first when they find an animal.

And I, being the soft hearted sucker than I am, decided I would take her home with me.  Thought about fostering her until she grew a bit more, then finding her a home. After a vaccination and a treatment of advantage, she rode home on my lap.

Though only 6 weeks old and just a mite of a thing, she held her own against our three dogs, not backing down, but walking right up to their faces. No hissing, no spitting, not even a hair rose from her tail or back.

hmmmm.

A month or so ago, we had to put our old kitty, Sophie, to 'sleep.'  I had already found homes for the 4 kittens I had bottle fed from 2 weeks old. We hadn't known we would be letting Sophie go, or I would have just kept one of them.

My thoughts of course went to lovelygirl.  She is a "cat person" more than a "dog person" and we had planned on giving her a kitten when she got here.

Two different lines of thought bounced around in my brain. 

On one hand, it would be cool for her to pick out a kitty.  She would be able to find one she really liked and have a hand in selecting her very own kitten.

On the other hand, maybe she would benefit from having a kitten already here, one that was waiting for her.  Something she could grasp, and hold onto when she visits, and a solid, real live kitten to look forward to coming back to. 

Animals are so unconditional.

So, the next time I talked to lovelygirl on the phone, I asked her..."If you could have a kitty, what color would you want it to be?"

Not even the slightest hesitation, her answer came across the wire, "Black!"

Guess what? The kitten is black.

So, I told her about how I got her, and I told her if she wanted, we could find a home for this one, and then she could help pick out a kitten when she got here. 

Again, no hesitation, "I want that one!" she announced.

Dilemna solved.

"Of course," I explained, "this kitty has no name, and since she is yours now, you get to name her."

We chatted for awhile, and suddenly she piped up in an excited little voice, "I have a name! I have a name for the kitty!"

"Oh good, cuz she needs a name. What is her name going to be?"

"Rosie."

So, we have Rosie now. She is a sweet little girl, and has no fear of the dogs, or Puddin, our other scaredy cat. She is feisty, but will snuggle up on your neck and purr. I send pictures via email and text of Rosie to lovelygirl.  Something to look forward to, something already here that is hers. Hers alone.

purrrrfect!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

fourdays

Four days.

In four days, our lovelygirl will be stamped, (via files) "legally free" and then we can proceed with all the beaucratic happenings.

The pang in my heart lets me know that it hit me again, this unfairness, this sadness, this loss.

In order for us to have our desires; lovelygirl, our lovelygirl herself has to endure the greatest loss of all.  Her birth mother and family.

I don't feel guilty per say, because her loss wasn't my doing.  It was her birthmother who neglected her since birth, her 'legal' father who let a step"mother" beat her, and her family who didn't step forward to take her in.

I don't feel anger towards them. Their lifestyles they chose dictated what path lovelygirl would take, and in their weakness to put her needs first, they lost a most precious gift: darling lovelygirl.

The angst I feel is empathy.  I feel for lovelygirl and the sorrows she will face, the devastating loss she will feel, and the uncertain future she stands facing.

How can I help her? How can I touch her life in a way that a new hope will spring anew?

My prayers are first and foremost for her. I pray God's unfailing love and peace over her. I pray for healing in her heart, mind and soul.  I pray for hope to come alive in her. I pray for strength for her to deal with the scary changes ahead.

4 more days. 4 days and then a new life for her begins.

May it be everything that her first 8 yrs were not. May it begin with love.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Christmas Miracles

In the daylight, miracles seem a little less obtainable.

But, under the night sky and the magical shadows, they seem to be within reach of my outstretched hand.

I go through many emotions during a 24 hour period during this amazing journey, the journey to adoption.  I struggle with the unknown; let's face it...when you can't control something, it becomes a looming danger zone of uncertainties.

I don't consider myself a control freak at all. Probably like most of you, I just would rather know the outcome in some situations. This is one of those times.

Having your future depend on others is disconcerting at best.  With caseworkers, adoption workers, and even technology all in play, it can become a scary endeavor. You have to depend on them to carry you on through the process and they are, after all, human...with all the human tendencies to put things off, forget things and make mistakes.

So, you have to have a lot of patience.

I think I have said it before, but it really is the "hurry up and wait" scenario.  I can answer an email with lightening speed, because I am motivated to "get 'er done" and send it back. Why oh why can't everyone else?

It isn't high on the priority list? Maybe. There are some caseworkers who are the 9 to 5 type, only answering emails or phone messages, and even texts within their "paid" hours. Then there are those, who really do offer you 24 hour assistance. 

Of course I do realize that they have lives too, and can't get so wrapped up in our lives, us adoptee wannabes, that they lose sight of their own goals and what not. I don't hold it against them, really I don't!

So, you have to have a lot of patience. (maybe if I tell myself this enough, it will happen?) lol

When I do get answers, my heart soars; and my evenings are spent daydreaming about the fun things I can do with my daughter at Christmas. Go find a tree.  Make homemade paper swags.  Make homemade cookies. Drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas shows in front of a crackling fire. Go for walks and kick the fall leaves high into the air. Take drives and yell "Christmas lights!" every time you see lights on a house, or in a window.

The last thought before I fall asleep is of her, my lovelygirl.

Then I wake up and the daylight steals the magic of the dark skies twinkling with a billion stars. In daylight things become glaringly obvious.

Doubts creep in.

Because once again, my future is in the hands of  others. Others who don't know me, who don't know her. Others who have their own busy lives. Others who might be too busy with holiday activities to really care about a lost little 8 yr old girl who needs a family of her own for Christmas, and a mother who is waiting with open arms.

Still, I cling to the hope and faith that keeps me going.  I believe in miracles. Christmas miracles. It can happen. It has for others before, it can for us now.

As I gaze at the gray bleakness, blue sky parts the ominous clouds.  Suddenly, the sun beams shine in and dance on the droplets of water clinging to the barren branches of the maple tree in my yard sending shimmering fragments of light over the yard. Spectacular.

And I believe once again.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

resolve

going through the motions of another holiday without lovelygirl just tightened my resolve.

will caseworkers think i am too pushy? maybe
will adoption worker think i am too annoying? maybe

i do try and push onward with some amount of tactfullness and above all a kind heart.

there seems to be more unanswered questions than answered ones at this point.

i can't give up. not now.

will it really take six to nine months for the icpc to go through?
will they get her declared legally free before christmas?
will she be able to come for a visit once she is legally free?

it is so incredibly hard to be patient.

maybe the stubborn side of me that my parents had a hard time dealing with will help pull me through.

resolve.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

computerilliterate

yup.

that is me.

computer illiterate. ie computer dummy.

In general, I try to be brave and check out new things, and the other day, a shiny button that I hadn't noticed before caught my eye...

"Try the updated Blogger interface"  (WOW!! COOL!!) c.l.i.c.k.

lol

I pushed it.

my blog completely dissappeared! An error script popped up. I tried everything my feeble mind could think of, but nothing worked. nada. fini. gone.

After a day went by, I decided to reach out and call someone...I emailed my friend, "H" who really must be an angel, and pleaded my case.

She went on and actually fixed it. (within minutes) WHEW!!! What would I do without my blog?

THANK YOU, "H"!!!! lol

Seriously though, everything in life has a lesson to learn behind it, right?  The lesson I will take from this is this:

It's okay to try new ways of doing things, but in the end, don't get in over your head, and if you do...don't hesitate to ask for help!

In the days ahead, I will be trying new things with lovelygirl...new ways of teaching her the right way to do things, new ways of 'discipline' as in "time-ins" instead of the old "time-outs" etc. 

In my searching, via internet and reading books by more experienced people than I, I will undoubtedly stumble and fall, and make many mistakes.  I need to try not to get in over my head, but if I do, to not be afraid to ask for help...call my support network.

Admit my mistakes or faults and learn from them. Know my limitations.

*smile*

It feels good to be here again.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

dis.joint.ed

disjointed.

feeling a bit lost tonight. a month ago, i thought we would have lovelygirl for the thanksgiving break, but we won't. another holiday without her, our daughter. as you can tell, i am not too interested in punctuation or spelling tonight. no, tonight i just feel lost.

i talked to our match assistant worker, a very nice lady by the way, and told her via email that i had seen that lovelygirl was still on the site.

she got it taken care of right away. the next day in fact. thank you "d"!

a huge sigh of relief that no more families out there in cyberspace will see our lovelygirl's smile, and her eyes, and rush to send in their home studies on her.

fm said again to me that she thinks the icpc will take at least 6 months, usually 9 months. will it?

there is still no hearing date to declare her legally free. if she isn't free, she won't be able to come down for a visit over christmas break. she has a lot of stuff going on right now, mainly medical.

lovelygirl is doing better.  she has to take laxatives all day long. can this be good for her little body? will it keep nutrients from being able to be absorbed? she needs nutrients, how long will the regiment last?  it can't be good for a body to be having bowel movements all day long, can it? i mean, a normal kid isn't expected to have a bm every hour on the hour, why should she?


i worry about her alot. want to be there for her, to help her through this difficult time. to encourage her, give her positive feedback. all those things a mother should do for her daughter. i feel some jealousy that fm is there for her and i am not. not a bad jealousy, but the painful longing kind.


do any of these ramblings make any sense at all?


disjointed.

Monday, November 21, 2011

slippery slopes

weird how one thing can take you from that path of confidence and send you careening down the slippery slopes of worry-itis.

yup, that's my life. especially now.  the adoption rollercoaster ride.

since we heard that we are the family selected for lovelygirl, we have not even looked at other children. I even got several emails that caseworkers were interested in us...but I didn't stray from my vision of lovelygirl as our daughter.

so, why today did I get the desire to make sure that our lovelygirl's profile was removed from the site?

no one will ever know why.

i just did it. I looked.

she wasn't removed.

still there, cute as a button, inviting everyone in the world to submit on her.

i was like, whaaa????

then all the doubts and fears come flooding in. try and rationalize it. maybe they just haven't gotten around to removing her. maybe they just didn't know a family was selected.

still, the slopes are slippery and i am not the most sure footed person in the world.

my thoughts crash into those dark valleys...

maybe the caseworkers are still accepting more home studies. maybe they don't really like us that much and are holding out for someone better. maybe we have been thinking that this is going to go through for us and it really isn't. maybe we will lose lovelygirl at the very last minute.

we don't hear much news. so, my mind thinks it is logical to think those thoughts. rational?

after all this time, and all the near misses, will this be yet another miss?

no. no. no. don't think this way. u can't. don't look down into the depths. the caverns. look up.

no slippery slopes.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

angels we have heard on high

I admit it.

I am one of "those" people. 
The people who love the holidays so much that they start Christmas early. *giggle*

Today, I listened to the Transiberian Orchestra (and all similar) Christmas music on Pandora radio.  I just love listening to it. No singing, just music. Beautiful.

I dragged out a fake tree and set it up in the living room. Why fake? How could I, you ask.  I generally like to have a REAL tree for Christmas, but since I started sooo early, I didn't want to buy two real ones...as the first one would likely be dead and dropping needles well before the yuletides bring Christmas. My boys and their significant others will be coming for Thanksgiving, and I wanted to have some of the holiday decorations up...just a few, to make it feel like it's supposed to feel...magical.

This year, I am full of hope. This year, I am praying that a certain little eight year old girl will at the very least, be able to come for a visit during the holidays.

It would have been nice to have her for real, but very unlikely.  Lovelygirl's birthmom signed the relinquishment papers, but as of yet, we have heard nothing on when the hearing will be in which she becomes legally free. The fact that we didn't have to wait until December 7th to have a TPR hearing is a great present in and of itself, but of course I am hoping for more.

I know that holidays are very hard on foster care kiddos, and adopted ones. They carry many "triggers" that can set them off into various behaviors.

Holidays represent family. And to these kiddos, even if their real families were abusive, they are still their family.

I want to be very sensitive to her moods, and let her know that it's ok to be real with me. It's ok to say she misses her family, or if she cries, or wants some alone time. I want to be intuitive, to spot that slight change in behavior that might be indicitive of a trigger being set off.

I want her needs to be foremost in all of our minds and hearts this holiday season. Her life has been a turmoil.  Let this Christmas be simple, homespun, and full of warmth and love. No huge parties.  Quiet. Peaceful. Silent night.  Holy night.

So, even though I did drag out a fake tree for now. I am full of hope that we can go together, our new little family, and get a real tree in a quiet, out of the way tree farm or something...and decorate it together, her and I, while cookies bake in the oven and Christmas music plays softly in the background.

Lord, set your sweet angels around lovelygirl right now, to keep her safe from harm.  May You bring peace and hope to lovelygirl's heart right now. Guard and protect her, oh fierce and mighty angels, and wrap your heavenly wings about her. Sleep in heavenly peace. Amen.

Selah

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

thankfulness

Yesterday, it happened.

The email we had been waiting for. 

It brought a mixed bag of emotions with it.

The email was from lovelygirl's caseworker. She wanted to let us know that she had just been with lovelygirl's birthmom.  "R" had come in and signed the relinquishment papers. We won't have to wait for the TPR hearing on Dec 7th.

Of course I read it and cried...with joy and happiness for our dream finally coming true.  Then it turned to tears of sorrow for "R" the birthmom, and of course for lovelygirl.

I am struck once again by the horrible irony of the situation.

In order for our dreams to come true, someone else's dream has to be shattered.

"R" had her first child at 16 yrs old, lovelygirl's half sibling. Then at 18 yrs old, she had lovelygirl. Altogether, she has had 4 children, none of which are with her at this time. Drugs seem to be at the forefront of it all. Sad that her addictions have cost her the most important thing she could ever lose...her children.

Still, my heart goes out to her. Though I wanted to post a blog yesterday, to share my news, it didn't feel right to be so happy, while she is so sad.  So, I just prayed for her yesterday. And I will continue to.
She didn't ask for anything except twice yearly pictures and letters.

In my heart, I know that in lovelygirl's case, this is for the best, but it still will be difficult for both of them. Even though lovelygirl didn't see her mother much during her life, she is still the woman who gave birth to her. Difficult moments will come because of this. It will take years before lovelygirl will understand the true nature of what her mother did for her.

I have no doubt she ultimately gave her up out of love. She just had no means to raise any of her children, and knew it. She lacks important parenting skills, mostly of being able to put her kids needs above her own.

Still...I could feel her heart wrenching all the way down here.

Thank you, "R" for doing the right thing. For giving lovelygirl a chance at a safe and secure life, in which she will be loved and cherished.  We will not hide you under a rug, and never talk about you. I will make sure that lovelygirl remembers you.  Thank you for your ultimate sacrifice.  I pray that God will give you peace. I will do my utmost to raise her to be a kind, and loving person...someone you can be proud of.

It seems fitting that right before Thanksgiving, my heart is full of an overwhelming thankfulness for this gift of a daughter, for lovelygirl. Thank you, God.  Thank you, "R"

thankfulness

Monday, November 14, 2011

'nuff said

I got a text today at work from FM (foster mom) of our lovelygirl.

She had taken her to the doctors today, mainly so that a nurse could show her how to take care of hygiene and teach her how to wipe correctly.

Sounds like a gross subject, eh? It's a follow up to yesterdays blog, people! And if you read on, I promise you will come out much more enlightened.

I had told her about an online class I took at http://www.fostercollege.com/ on "Wetting and Soiling" and had really tried hard to figure out into what category lovelygirl was in, so we could get the correct help for her.

FM had told me about her recently beginning to "soil" her pants, with the correct name being "encropesis." I questioned her about when it happens, what does it look like, what does it smell like, is she hiding it etc. She told me that she was removing her undies at school and throwing them away when it happened at school. (HINT: kiddos who do it for protection don't usually try and hide it) And that it was "extremely foul smelling" (another Hint at what it could be) and that it was like pasty almost diarrhea like in constistancy, (another hint) and also that her room stunk to high heaven as well as the bathroom.  She also said that when Lovelygirl took a bath, there were silver dollar sized "flakes" of the stuff floating around in the tub.

So, I had mentioned that it really sound like she had the type in which the child withholds from having a bowel movement.  The reasons they do this are many, and at this point we have no idea why she did.  She had a doctor appointment today, and I am thrilled to say that foster mom actually mentioned it to the doctor and they checked her out.  GUESS WHAT?

She is full of compacted fecal matter.  See, when they don't go, it gets bigger and harder and then they CAN'T go. The results are that some liquid/pasty fecal matter "leaks" around the edges and out into their undies, looking like they had an accident in their pants, or didn't wipe very good.

My poor little lovelygirl...she has been in pain for a long time.  It is painful, just so you know. Think of the last time you were constipated and times that by 100! And yet, she is a delightful, chatty little girl.

Unfortunately, she isn't comfortable telling people what her needs are, or her hurts. She never told anyone, just tried to deal with it as best as she could...all alone, all by herself, with no help.  I am sure she felt shame, and embarrassment when people made fun of her...yet could tell no one.

My heart goes out to my lovelygirl.  I thank God that we found the source and can now begin the treatment plan to help her through this and help her heal from this. I wish I could be there to hold her close and comfort her. I am so thankful that I took our adoption worker's advice and took the online class!

If you are adopting from the foster system, there are many issues these kids have and face everyday.  To not judge them, but to try and find out the reasons behind the behavior and seek to find a way to help them overcome it ARE VITAL!

Take that extra time to LEARN everything you can. Don't just assume that they will suddenly get better in your home, that just being in a permanent home will magically take away all their troubles. 

AFFEC gives you lots of places to learn more. My advice is to do it!

"NUFF SAID!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

let's get real

Ok.

Let's get real.

When I re-read my posts, even I think it all sounds like a fairytale. And to some extent it is. But let's get real here.

Adopting a child from the foster system isn't all rosy and sugary and sappy and wonderful. How can it be? These kiddos have gone through (exuse my language here) HELL and back, some have many times over.  They are in the foster system for a reason.

Abuse.  Whether verbal, physical, mental, or sexual.  It's still abuse.
Neglect. Not only physical neglect, but mental and emotional neglect as well.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very real for these kids. We all give props to the Veterens who have gone out in battle, done things they wish they could take back, and seen things they wish they could forget.  But what about the many children in foster care? They have been in battle for as long as they can remember. Yet we look with disdain at the chaos it creates.

Let's get real.

Lovelgirl has her own set of "issues" and "behaviors."  Some fall directly under the PTSD heading, and some don't.  But all are a direct result of what happened to her in her life, by people she trusted and depended on for survival. She was let down so many times, she can't even count them. She was hurt so many times, she doesn't understand real love at all.

Lest you all get caught up in the fantasy of adopting a child to "save" them, I am here to remind you that it isn't a fairytale. Far from it.

Get ready for this child to turn your world upside down. He/she will test you in every way possible. 

Right now, lovelygirl is testing her foster mom big time.  She learned at some point in her young life that she has very little that she can control.  She can't control what others do to her, she can't control where she is placed...basically she has no say.

What can she control?

As I said, at some point she saw something that worked for another child, or discovered it quite by accident.

Lovelygirl has enuresis and encropesis. 

What are these lovely sounding names? What do they mean?

It means she wets and poops. 

In her case, we aren't sure yet which type hers falls under.  We do know that she was neglected since birth.  Doubtful if she was every potty trained. She can control it, when she wants. I think it is more of the "get even" with my caregivers.  She just recently started the pooping thing. Because I am in another state, I only recieve these 'updates' from FM (fostermom) and don't actually "see" what she sees.  So, I don't know yet if she is actually holding it in, and has severe constipation (which does leak yucky smelly stuff onto the undies) or if she is actually doing ALL of this as a defense mechanism..."if I smell disgusting, the pervs will leave me alone"

She is in a house with 2 thirteen year old boys, who, even tho they have a low IQ, ARE still in a teenager's body with raging hormones etc.

I do feel helpless at this point.

The reason I decided to post on my blog is so that you all know that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' child from foster care. (and in real life birth kiddos either)

BUT before you wrinkle your nose in disgust, and turn your head away...hear this:

WE KNEW ABOUT ALL OF THIS BEFORE WE DECIDED TO ADOPT HER!!!

Yes, we are going to be challenged, yes we are going to have our moments of dispair. BUT we still want her. We STILL are going through with this. We didn't decide to adopt from the foster care system to get a perfect child. There aren't any, so why pretend they exist?

So, I just wanted to say all of this to be totally honest. We all need to go into this with our eyes WIDE open. To expect the worst, to plan for the worst.

We have no idea how it will play out. I have read stories where all expected behaviors after the "honeymoon" period never came to pass. But, I am not going to put stock in those stories.

I have a picture frame, with a pic of my lovelygirl and me, and it says this:

A mother is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today for exactly who you are.

Pretty powerful stuff there.

I UNDERSTAND her past, and her need to feel out of control, or to try and protect herself as best as she can.  I BELIEVE that she can heal from some of these demons, if not all of them...and come out a stronger beautiful adult.  I ACCEPT her with all her faults, even if she has a load of poo in her pants...for exactly who she is today.

Let's get real.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

asafeplacetoland

asafeplacetoland




Lovelygirl finally gets to go to a therapist/counceling session.


She has been at this foster home now for about 3 months now, and hasn't had a chance to go see one before now.


I was talking to FM (fostermom) via texting, and lovelygirl is pretty confused about what adoption actually means. Of coure, who can blame her? She has been tossed around like a fallen leaf in the blustery fall winds; No place to land.

She told FM that she thinks adoption means she doesn't have to move, but she will be eventually going to her bio mom's to live. So, she views adoption as just another foster home, but one she will stay at, until her bio mom can get her.


She hasn't even seen her bio mom since April.


My heart breaks for her. I can't even imagine the confusion and loss she feels.


The man who is listed as her birth father she calls her "Stepdad."


I am glad that she is at a councelor. I pray that they will find insight and a way to begin unraveling all the false information that lovelgirl has recieved.


No place to land.

Her mantra at the moment. No place to land. No safe place to be. Stuck.


We want to be her safe place to land. To eventually help her feel secure and safe. To help her realize her potential. To help her feel wanted. So she can land, and relax, and just be herself.


Until then, she doesn't feel safe. She doesn't feel secure. She has no idea what will happen to her. She doesn't feel wanted. She doesn't feel loved. She is eight years old. No eight year old child should feel this way.


What she needs?


A safe place to land.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

hangingon

Going to be a tenacious bulldog, holding on fiercely to her.

Not going to let go.

Going to believe. Believe that soon, she will be our daughter, soon she will be here with us.

Hanging on.

Not going to let go.

Going to believe.  Believe that things will turn around for the good.  Believe that soon, she will be ours.

You have to hold on to your dreams. To your hopes.  To your beliefs.  To those you love.  To those you will love.

Hanging on.

Our adoption worker told me that she can tell I have already bonded with her.  That I am showing that protectiveness...of a mother for her child.

Hanging on.

tenaciously.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

helpless

well. it happened.
TPR hearing was moved.
Till December 7th.

helpless.

what am i supposed to do?

helpless.

possiblitites of the whole process taking much, much longer than expected. maybe 9 months.

helpless.

may not get to talk to lovelygirl until after December 7th now.

helpless.

i talked to her tonight for 15 minutes. timed. when the timer went off she hung up.

helpless.

i can't even begin to imagine how she will feel if it takes almost a year to finally be able to move here. nothing i can do to help her. she won't understand the process.  how can she. she is eight years old.

helpless.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

goingthroughthemotions

A lot going on lately.

Understatement of the year.

When your mind is pulled in too many different directions, something is bound to fall apart. 

Of course, the one big thing on my mind is lovelygirl. So, I tend to think of her alot.  Because we are still in the waiting game.  Waiting to see if she will become legally free.  Waiting to see if they get the ICPC done and submitted in a timely manner.  Waiting to see if she will become our daughter.

Her foster mom said she has been looking at our picture book alot.  Talking about moving down here.

So, I think about her.  I think about what she is doing. I think about how she is feeling. I wonder if she is really scared inside. I worry about her becoming victimized again.  She is too far away for me to protect her. I can only send my prayers. 

Going through the motions of day to day life.

I lay in bed for hours thinking of her, and can't get to sleep. That in turn affects my next day.  If I am working, I am sluggish and tired, but distracted.  I keep my cell phone in my pocket on vibrate, waiting to hear something...anything. I make the silliest mistakes...spelling, switching words around, etc.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go spend time with my mentee...and I completely forgot to go! I felt absolutely horrible.  I called as soon as I realized my mistake, and her caregivers seemed upset at me. I keep trying to stay busy so that I don't worry too much, and it backfired! I got tooo busy, and forgot my poor little mentee.

I am awake, going through the motions of living, getting up, taking a shower, going to work, etc....all the while completely distracted by a little girl in WA.

Going through the motions.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

wishfulthinking

Today I stopped by a pumpkin farm near Aurora with my son and his girlfriend.  They had already been there with her family and picked their pumpkins, but they wanted me to see it and also to get some yummy pumpkin doughnuts...

It's hard to watch sometimes.  The families with the younger kiddos running about, picking pumpkins and laughing with delight.  I feel an angst. A longing.

Had really hoped that this year, I would have found my little girl and been able to share this experience with her. I found lovelygirl, but she isn't mine yet.

I look on, just an observer...still.

I know that lovelygirl got to go to a pumpkin patch, pick her pumpkin and go home and carve it.

And I missed it.  No pictures of her with her pumpkin. Just wishful thinking.

Again.

I look on, just an observer...still.

Other families get to go and share this.  Since my boys are grown and moved out, they usually end up doing these types of outings with their girlfriends.

Friends who do have younger kiddos don't ask me. Maybe pity? I hear about their outings, their excursions...and feel left out.

So, I am not in the exclusive "mom with a young kiddo" club.

I look on, just an observer...still.

Yes, angst rises. Sorrow invades, maybe even a touch of self pity? Can I be honest here?

I look on, just an observer...still.

wishful thinking.

Friday, October 21, 2011

HopePerseverance

I got to talk to lovelygirl tonight on the phone. 

She got on and said hello, and her sweet little voice crossed the miles between us, diving straight into my heart.

Someday soon, I hope to be hearing that voice and that laugh every day.  I hope I never take it for granted. All the years wishing and hoping for this. I can't forget to take each day and feel blessed by her being here.

The little voice on one of my shoulders cautions me..."you haven't gotten through the TPR hearing yet...alot could happen...you might not get her you know."

Yes, I do know that. But life is about Hope.  About Believing.  About Persevering.

The voice from the other shoulder throws caution to the wind.  It believes all things, hopes all things.  There is reasoning, to be sure, but if you cave everytime some road block pops up, then you could miss out on the wonderful benefits awaiting you if you do persevere. Like lovelygirl.

If hope is the key, and perseverance is the vehicle, you can cross any mountain. Put 'er in 4 wheel drive and let 'er rip!

Lovelygirl happily chatted for a bit, and then I mentioned something about the zoo, where we had met her.  She got very confused, and started listing the people that were there, and at the end of the sentence she listed "and the people who are going to adopt me."

Which of course floored me. She hadn't even realized who I was at all when she got on the phone and chatted away about school and what not. In her mind, I was probably just another one of those CASA workers that called countless times and wanted to know things.

It saddened me. Because of her world of chaos that she lives in. Being moved from foster family to foster family, having people give up on you. I wouldn't have expected her to recognize my name or voice yet...she barely knows me. No, my saddness isn't for me, it is for her.

Poor little sweet lovelygirl.  So much has happened in your short life. Who can you count on, who can you believe in? What can you hope for? Who do you have that you can truly call YOURS?

After she realized who I was, she still remained chatty and talked about things, but I definitely get the impression she isn't ENTIRELY sure what ADOPTION means.

My heart aches for all the kiddos in foster system.  They don't know when they are coming or going. They try to hold on to the fast moving train and gain footing somehow. Life is hard enough without all the added traumas and losses these kiddos endure.

I strengthen my resolve.  I grit my teeth, and jut my jaw.  My hands are clenched as I climb up into my ride.  This ride wasn't built for smooth, easy transportation...this ride is made to climb the toughest hills and steepest terrain. 

With HOPE as my key, and PERSEVERANCE as my ride I am ready to go. Ya gotta have both!

rantsandraves

I don't begin to think that I understand even the slightest portion of "The System" they have in place for adopting foster kids.

Every state is different, and likely every county as well.

What exactly is an ICPC? What is it for? Why do they HAVE to have a 60 day leeway between the filing of the ICPC and when the child can actually be placed in your home?

Tons of questions. No answers.

Many of you may feel like you are alone in the process.  I know I do. Curve balls come and when you try swinging wildly at them with a black blindfold on, you are doomed for failure! 

Some ironic things about "The System" that I have seen:

1.  They don't do any "transitioning period" when a child is moved from foster home to foster home. (Yes, I do understand that sometimes, it is almost an emergency move, and there just isn't time to make the transition slow and smooth for the kiddo/s involved.)

2. Paper work, paper trails, and overworked employees who don't want to put in any extra time make for a very sloooooooooooooooooooooooooow process.  In the meantime, a child suffers.

3. If the judge spent even one week in that child's shoes, I am totally sure they would RUSH the process when they actually have an adoptive family in place for that kiddo.

4.  It is generally SAID that a caseworker is to see a kiddo at least every 30 days. That doesn't always happen. 

I know, I know.  Poor overworked caseworkers/CASA workers etc.  I DO feel for them.  BUT, they all generally go home to a very different life when they clock out at 4:00 pm than the kids in foster care. Each day brings more of that hopelessness they can't escape.

"Plans" that work on paper don't always work in real life.  Each case is different, each child is different.

How can I make a difference? It all seems too huge to process.

BIG HEAVY SIGH.

rants and raves.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

nanosecond

see the picture the most current blog post?

the picture of two hands, clasped?

that is me and my lovelygirl.

I can't post a picture of her, or say her name.  But she is real. I met her. I fell head over heels for her.

enchanting. adorable. sweet. wonderful. beautiful. talented. mesmerizing.
lovelygirl is.

in that nanosecond that I saw her, my dreams were realized in the flesh.

she is real. she lives. she breathes. she smiles. she laughs. she sings. she plays. she runs. she giggles. she skips. she holds hands. she hugs. she is silly. she is funny. she is adorable. she is my lovelygirl.

it was hard to leave her there and come back home. she should have been in the car with us, singing our way back home.

she loves purple.  and pink.

she isn't afraid of worms. holds them, lets them crawl over her arm. she held them tenderly then carefully let them go free.

she likes dollies, and dressing up, and doing puppet shows.

her laugh is infectious.  she sings remarkably well for an untrained little girl. 

she said she could swing all day. she climbs like a lil monkey.


she is my lovelygirl.

deliriously happy I am.
she is my lovelygirl. my luv. my girl.
I met her yesterday (we did) and spent time with her today in the park, in the sunshine. All the years waiting, the anguish, the pain...swept away in an enchanting afternoon.

enchanting. adorable. sweet. wonderful. beautiful. talented. mesmerizing.
lovelygirl is.

mine. in a nanosecond.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

restoration

I am weary.

My back aches.  My spirit sags.  I am utterly exhausted. 

No, I haven't gotten our adopted child yet.  So, no...not experiencing those kinds of weariness...yet.

I helped my youngest son rip out his carpet in his living room.  He has purchased his house (at the tender age of 20) and wants to have the old hardwood restored to it's natural glory.  So, being the mom that I am, I go help.

What possessed me to do this?  :o)

Ripping out the carpet consisted of not only pulling up the old carpet and pad, but then finding a layer of linoleum under that, that was glued down something fierce, and then a particle board layer. All of which was nailed a BILLION times more than necessary!

We spent the entire day trying desperately to get the cats paw under all the junk and force up sections.  Of course the particle board just crumbled. We forged on, banging the crow bar in, yanking, pulling, and sweating like little piglets.

Now it lay before us.  Clear Vertical Grain Fir Flooring, straight from the early 1900's.  I can see the potential lying before us...can my son? The top layer needs work STILL.  It needs to have old remnants of paint taken off, all the staples pulled and any nails left pulled as well.  It needs the holes all filled, and the entire floor sanded.  Then, and only then, can we apply the new stain and finish...buffing the shine out into the tired old floor.

Iv'e done it before, so I know it can be done.  It's alot of work, and back breaking work too.  The end result will justify all the labor. It's a great lesson for my son to learn.  Sometimes a thing of beauty requires a heck of a lot of work to make it shine! Especially if it has been neglected and abused all of it's life.

Much like the foster kids.  There may be many, many layers we have to uncover over time.  Some of it will test our patience to the limit.  Some will require brute strength to make it through the day. 

We have to be able to see the potential, lying there, beneath the ruined shell.  The broken child. Underneath it all, in the core of their being, they hold the tiny flame of hope. Some of what we see won't be pretty. Alot will shock us. Most will change us. 

Be patient.  Continue working on the layers, bit by bit.  Once all the filth and garbage is removed, you will see them.  The true child within. The one that desperately wants out.  The one that needs us to lovingly help them discard their pain and baggage, or at least put in the proper place.  You can't change the past, and what was done to damage the child.  You can help them shine again.

So, into the hot tub for a little R & R.  Sleep, rest, and restore. Plug in the battery re-charger. Then start again anew tomorrow.

restoration.

Monday, October 10, 2011

fourdays

Countdown.

4, 3, 2, 1.

Yes, 4 days until we meet lovelygirl.

We did find out that she will know about us.  She will be told we are a "Maybe" family.
I get that.  Don't want to crush a young heart that has already been so crushed.

Hope her week is going ok.  We haven't gotten anymore updates from her foster mom.
Good sign? Hope so!

4 days! I am uber excited. I will get to hear her voice, see her real face, maybe even get a hug! I will know her sizes she wears and more about her!

4 days.

4 days.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

morewaiting

Not meeting lovelygirl this Saturday.

Changed.

Changed to October 14th.

Good news we will get to meet her at the zoo.  How fun is that? A great icebreaker too!  Instantly things to talk about:  Did you see that giraffe? Wow he has a long neck, huh? Oh, look at that baby elephant, isn't he a sweetie? etc  Less awkward moments.

I volunteered a while back at an event for foster kids, where they make movie clips of them for things like Wednesday's child etc.  The event took place at the zoo near Portland. Fun day.  I got to meet some foster kiddos and have a chance to see them acting pretty much like themselves.  A very learning experience. 

Hopefully, lovelygirl will let her guard down at least a few times, so we can catch a glimpse of "her." 

She will know about us by then.  I wonder when she will be told that there is a family who wants her.  How will she feel? Happy? Sad? Both?  In order to start a new chapter, you have to turn the page in the story.  Turning the page means leaving parts behind. 

Oh, lovelgirl.  We don't want you to lose who you are.  We just want you to be in a real family and experience security and safeness and eventually...love. 

I will try and stay positive about the delay in meeting her.  Though I am worried about her in this foster home.  My intuitions want to run up there and bring her home as fast as I can! 

This gives me time to be more ready for her.

Complete the parenting plan.  Check.
Contact schools. Check.
Find a good Physician.  Check.

Those types of things.

all while waiting.

Friday, September 30, 2011

eight

Only 8 more days until we meet our daughter.

Our lovelygirl.

The torrents of rain pouring out of the sky began minutes after we entered the DSHS building. Up the creaking elevator, down several corriders and finally into the room we had set our sights on. The set of SEVEN whole volumes, in 2" thick binders looked omnious as they were strewn about on the large table when we walked in the office.  They had warned us to expect at least 3 hours of wading through all her information, and they were not kidding!

But, lest you all fear for your sanity when it is your turn, let me reassure you...ALOT is merely repeated over and over.  Redundancy in its finest. Also, in our case, we had to hunt through and find lovelygirl's information, which was tucked in here and there amongst the other children that were in the home at the time that DHS got involved.

The great news for us?

After each volume was read through, a sigh of relief was given.  By the time we got to volume 7, (Oh, did I mention that 7 is a lucky number? lol) a huge wave of relief had washed over us.

There wasn't anything new in her files that we didn't already know about.  No hidden surprises. No freak out moments.  No reasons to run.  Nada. Nothing. YAY!

The confidence this brings is immense.  IWe can plan. We can prepare.  We know what to expect. (well, always expect the unexpected, right?)

Our lovelygirl.  

Be prepared tho, to see things that might disturb you.  Pictures or graphic detail of why this kiddo is in the system in the first place. Tears your heart up.  Makes you angry.  Makes you deeply, deeply sad for them.

Wow, the Mama Bear rose up within me...Grrrrrrrrrrrrr how could anyone do anything to hurt a child????  Hurt our lovelygirl? 

I will dream of her tonight.

Our lovelygirl.

Eight. More. Days.

Eight.

Lovelygirl.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

heygirlhey...

Hey girl, hey...

lovelygirl is biracial.  So beautiful. 

This may be a touchy subject for some. I apologize for that.  I try to always have an open mind about all things. As I am not, nor ever will be, the Judge, I don't feel right about judging anyone.

I watched some you tube videos about transracial adoption.  Some people are really not into it.
Some are downright angry.  They don't feel that an A/A child should be adopted by whites.

Albiet, she is half caucasian too.  But also, half African American.

I will do as much as I possibly can to keep her identity intact.  She is African American.  And white.  Both.  Not just one. Both.  I have plans on meeting up with friends who are both biracial and A/A.  To get help on how to take care of her hair and skin.  Also, to help get us connected more with the A/A world. 

When I look at her, I see a lovely girl, a beautiful child who needs the permanency that adoption can bring. She desperately needs a family to belong to, who will see her just as she is, and accept her just as she is.  One who will help her overcome difficulties in life...being a kid from the foster system, being adopted, being adopted by whites, and being a biracial child.

I see her heart. In which beats the same color of blood as all of us.

I heart you lovelygirl,

hey girl hey...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

wonderings

Hello lovelygirl.

I wonder if today you are doing okay.  I wonder if today you are happy.  Are you sad today? Are you sitting in your classroom wondering when this will all end?  All the foster placements, the upheaval.  All the changes in your young life?   

I wonder if today, you are wondering when someone will rescue you?

You don't even know we exist yet.  And that we are praying for you.  Do you feel the winds of change blowing again?  Can you feel something stirring around you?

You don't even know that in 10 days we might be coming to meet you.  How will you feel? They said you want a mommy and daddy.  But still...to have that closes the door to the past. How can we help you through it all? What can we say to help ease your mind? To help you transition to a new life?

Dear Lord, help this little girl today.  Give her a peace that passes our understandings.  Begin the healing process...set a hedge of angels around her...comfort her...protect her heart and her mind.   Help her cope with her classmates, and the kiddos at daycare, and at her new foster home. Give her strength.

Help lovelygirl today, Lord.

She is on my mind constantly, this lovelygirl.  Her smile, her dark brown eyes, her long curly hair, her expression of dispair mixed with hope. 

She is on my mind.  My heart. 

wonderings.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

tomakeyoufeelmylove

Lovelygirl,

...When the rain is blowing in your face
    and the whole world is on your case
    I would offer you a warm embrace
    To make you feel my love
    
...When evening shadows and the stars appear
    and there is no one there to dry your tears
    I could hold you for a million years
    To make you feel my love

...I know you haven't made your mind up yet
   but I would never do your wrong
   I've known it from the moment that we met
   There's no doubt in my mind where you belong

...I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
   I'd go crawling down the avenue
   There aint nothin that I wouldn't do
   Go to the ends of the earth for you
   To make you feel my love.
...The storms are ragin on the rollin sea
   Down the highway of regret
  The winds of change are blowing wild and free
   You aint seen nothin like me yet
...I could make you happy make your dreams come true
   There aint nothin that I wouldn't do
   Go to the ends of the earth for you
   To make you feel my love.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

perfection

This past weekend, I attended a dog show in Shelton, WA.  Well, more than attended, I entered my little male toy poodle in the show.

AKC, or American Kennel Club, started these shows so that the standards that were set for each breed could be maintained, and passed from generation to generation resulting in "purebred" dogs. 

I'm an animal lover, and can totally understand that for each breed to remain true (and continue to look like the breed as it was intended from inception) you have to really try and only breed for those traits and standards. 

Weird how watching a dog show brought me thoughts of adoption.

How so?  You might ask.

You start by getting your dog prepared.  Bathing them, conditioning their coat.  Clipping their nails, and trimming their fur to the correct standard of the breed.  In my case, a poodle puppy cut. 

Hours before the show, you arrive, and set up.  Primping the hair, coaxing it into position and spraying the heck out of it with so much hairspray the air is filled with the noxious scent!

This is all for the grand moment when you carry your specimen into the ring.

He or she is paraded around in front of a judge and every movement is held accountable.  They must have the correct gait, the correct structure, the correct build.  They must have the correct head, eyes, and ear set.  Their back end must be perfect, and they should be able to 'stack' themselves if asked.

Most of the time, there is competition.  The judge has to select from all of the dogs present, and decide which one best exemplifies the breed. 

One by one, you are asked to put the dog up on the stand and the judge checks him/her over with a fine tooth comb, looking closely in their mouths at their bite, and their teeth.  Feeling their body over for any malformities. For the males, they check to see if both testicles are present.

What exactly am I saying here?

They want perfection. 

The kiddos in the foster system must feel like this all the time.  They are put up against hundreds, or thousands of other hopefuls.  All of us adoptive parents to be look them over (albeit at first only by their picture and profile) and scrutinize them. 

We lift our giant magnifying glass and peer in at them, dissecting their lives, tearing into all the imperfections they may have...looking for a perfect child. Reading their issues and 'problems' they have with dismay and dissapproval.  The perfect child?

There is none. 

I also happened to think of the African American people who were snatched up by slave traders, and brought against their will to America.  In much the same way, they were put up on auction blocks, and checked over (no respect for humanity) Judged by those who were looking to purchase them, they were humiliated beyond belief, torn apart from their family members, and sold into a life of slavery...how awful.

In the dog ring, we give out ribbons and points to the winners in the various categories.  Everyone claps and congratulates the owners.  Pictures are taken and pride of ownership is rewarded. 

It seems that for foster kids who need a home so desperately, that they have to try and look as perfect as possible...so that they can fit into the June Cleaver lifestyle of the person wishing to adopt them...instead of just being themselves.  Trying to be perfect. 

I want to remind myself and others, that NONE of these kids raised their hands before they were born, and begged to be born into that particular family.  NONE of them ASKED to be abused.  NONE of them asked to be fed drugs and alchohol while they were in the womb.  NONE of them asked to be a foster kid, passed from foster home to foster home. 

All they ask is to be accepted, and taken care of...for their needs to be met.  For someone to love them.

no one is perfect.

Friday, September 23, 2011

flying

So, this is what it's like to fly!

After a few emails back and forth to clarify things, I can finally ALLOW myself to believe that this is entirely possible...to believe that lovelygirl will be "OUR" lovely girl!!!

I was worried because of the whole "Full Disclosure" file.  Because lovelygirl isn't legally free yet, they can't copy her files and send them to us, hence the reason we have to drive up there to read them.  Also, I wasn't entirely sure if the file we would be reading on this first trip up contained everything we would need to make our decision.

What if we met her, fell in love with her, and THEN afterwards, got her file, which revealed some hidden surprises that would have made us either think harder, or decide not to move forward??? What if ???

Worries for naught!!!  

Her team member, "K", a really cool lady...assured us that the files we would read would definitely contain ALL of her information, although alot of it would be redundant, and boring.  She also said MOST, if not ALL of her pertainent information was already sent to us...

Okay then.  NOTHING in the files we read through up until this point had anything at all that would scare us away!!!

I still have that hidden little fear tho...so until we actually read through her entire files, I won't completely go gaga over the fact that she will be ours! 

BUT, it sure feels great to FLY!

My heart is soaring, up up into the clouds! Hope renewed springs forth again!

Flying!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

glimpses

Lovelygirl's recruiter sent a little tidbit to us. 

A report/letter on how lovelygirl is doing in her latest placement (she just had to be placed again 3 weeks ago) It's so surreal to think that this might end up being our little girl, and that this little glimpse into her life is something we can all someday look back on and smile. 

I say 'someday', because right now there is a terrified little lost girl over there.  She is pushing boundaries and testing her new foster mom.  Very typical behavior.  We can look at this behavior and know that it may look like that when she is here.  Likely to in fact. It's great to have an idea of what it will look like to prepare for it, to be ready with patience.

I say 'and smile' because I truly believe she will settle into a life of permancy very well.  She craves it, needs it.  The security that a forever home offers is intangible now, but once realized she will begin to feel like she belongs somewhere. 

Hindsight to old behaviors are like markers, milestones...signposts that lead us to the present, and who we are today.  All of us had them in some way or another.

All in all, it warms my heart. 

Lovelygirl is a real, live, warm blooded, sweet, little soul, who happened to have bad things happen to her.  She didn't raise her hand and beg to be picked for all that to happen to.  To her, it was her reality...sad as it was. 

So, catching a glimpse into her real life situation warms my heart.  I am not expecting some perfect little angel.  I am expecting a child who needs me.

so, thank you...for the glimpse.

I can just see her little face. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

movingforward

They are interested in us! They want us to come up to Tacoma, and read through lovelygirl's file. 

Then, if we still are interested, we may even get to go meet her...meet lovelygirl in person!

lovelygirl.

Moving forward.  Inch by painful inch. Trying to stay grounded, keep my feet on solid ground...no head in the clouds, no glossing over.  I want this to work.  I have to be completely and utterly honest...so that it can. 

So far, there isn't anything that surprises me, or makes me scared off.  You can't be a kiddo in the foster system and not have any issues...it's par for the course...they are in there for a reason.  People who have lofty expectations get those crushed by reality.  This I know. 

No expectations.  Simplicity at it's finest.  Truth and honesty revealed. 

moving forward.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

theanswer

Lovelygirl. Lovelygirl. Lovelygirl.

Will the stars align perfectly? Will fate nod in our favor? Will God Himself give this gift to me?

It is in His hands now.

The answer.  Yes or no.

Lovelygirl's team, who cares more about her than anyone else has in her young life...they will convene.  They will decide.

The conference call went very well.  I felt a kinship with these ladies, this team...all rooting for lovelygirl. All hoping for that chance for her to find a good life. They care about her immensely, it was obvious. 

I am shaking right now.  I had to just answer honestly, be myselft, because in the end that is what will make an adoption work out.  To find the best fit.  I am not going to try and be a hero.  I am just me. Humble. I will make mistakes, this I know.  Learn from them.

Lessons learned. Past mistakes cause growth.  I can see where I have changed, even in a year.  My views have changed. For the better.

So, the timing wasn't right.  To have our two paths connect, and join.  A year ago, it wasn't right.  Now it is.
Now, the timing seems right. It feels good. It feels right.

I want the best for Lovelygirl.  I accept that which is best for her.

I keep envisioning her standing there, in a white dress, long hair blowing in the wind, her eyes upon me, and her little hand stretched out, palm up...waiting for someone to be there for her, unconditionally. 

Oh God, let her waiting be over soon.  Let her find her forever family. If it isn't us, then please God, help her. She deserves this so much.  Help her shattered little heart.

Lovelygirl. Lovely girl.  Lovelygirl.

Waiting.  For the answer.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

nervous

I'm nervous.

What if I come across wrong?  What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't like me?

I am human. I don't always say the right thing.  I don't always explain things in the way I have it in my head. 

Tomorrow we have a conference call with Lovelygirl's team.  From that call, they will decide if they want us to move on towards the next step of pursuing adopting her.  Of course, we will also have the opportunity to back out too.

I do pray that we will get a real, complete picture of her, and that any issues she may have would be disclosed, so there will be no surprises.  I have to trust that God knows exactly WHO will become our daughter, or daughters. 

That being said, I also know that we have some input too.  I have to trust that He will put the right words in my mouth, and that all will be recieved well. 

I don't want to make any mistakes, or forget to ask a question that could be extremely important.

I'm nervous.

Friday, September 9, 2011

thoserubyslippers

O.M.G.

It worked!

Yup, it worked.  Clicking my heels three times and chanting, "There is a child for us."

Well, at least it got us to the next level.  We got a call back on Lovelygirl...the caseworker wants to talk to us next week in a conference call!  It's the closest we have been in over a year to getting invited to go to committee. 

Now to go through the documents they sent with a fine tooth comb, and come up with as many questions as we can. 

After all this time, maybe the waiting will be over.  Maybe we will get invited to go to committee.  Maybe we will be chosen.

I am sitting here anxiously raising my hand up in the air, waving it frantically..."Pick me! Pick US!"

Going from the depths of despair early this morning, to soaring in the clouds the next.

...those darned lovely sweet shiny beautiful red red ruby slippers

Thursday, September 8, 2011

murkydepths

It's hard to see the light sometimes.

Those times when you feel like you are being pushed down by the waves, smashing you into the murky depths. Those bottomless pits we find ourselves in from time to time.

You strain to see the sun through all the debris; clawing and kicking, fighting to surface once again.

There are those days when you feel that your feet are chained to a gigantic cement block, forcing you to stay under.

Ah. I am feeling that now.

I keep saying to myself: "Come on Cinnilou, no one ever said this road would be an easy one." It isn't a yellow brick road with beautiful fields with munchkinland lollipop kids standing ready to join your hand and family.

Adoption is a treacherous road.  Potholes lurk big enough to drive a semi truck into.  Something is always around the bend, like a wicked witch or the flying monkeys, ready to dive down and steal you of your confidence.  It's a winding road, with very steep hills to climb. They take your breath away.

Rather than having a friend or two, such as the tin man, or scarecrow, to keep you company and help you get out of any pickles you may get yourself into, you go it alone most of the time.

The searches are for you to do alone...find the kiddos to submit on. (how can you even tell which ones are best suited for you) So, you request to have it submitted.  Then wait, and wait...AND wait.  Sometimes never hearing anything.  Hoping your HS made it into the right hands. You aren't able to connect with their caseworker, you rely on others to advocate for you, and hope that they do. 

Oh the frustrations! Oh the downward spirals.

Hence the blog.

Designed to let others (YOU) know they aren't alone in their search for a child, or children. Lookie, lookie...I am right here with you!

I am just like the rest of you.  I have my own days of struggling.  I have my own insecurites and worries.

Rather than get something from the old Wizard of Oz, I would prefer to leave all those troubling thoughts with him and run. Are there some magic shoes I can put on? Click my heels and say, "There is a child for us" three times? Will that do the trick?

Instead, today, I am in the murky depths. Depression has a grip on my feet, holding me down under.  How to get free and rise to the top?

Who knows...maybe I will try it.

"There is a child for us." "There is a child for us." "THERE IS A CHILD FOR US!!!"

and rise from the murky depths.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

in the lows

Here I am again.

In the lows.

Another email saying we were not...NOT considered for a girl. 

What is wrong with us? Why do all caseworkers say no? I can't figure it out.  Is there something that we are doing wrong? Saying wrong? I feel like we aren't even being given a chance.

Are they contacting our worker at all? What is going on?

How can you not take it personal?  All I have wanted is to love...LOVE...a child...and we are refused.  We don't have anything bad in our past, we aren't bad people! What is up with this????

I just can't figure it out.  I am baffled.

and in the lows.

lovelygirl

There is a lovely little girl that has been on my mind this last holiday weekend. 

I submitted our home study on her last week.  At first I was hesitant.  She has one issue that I am not sure how to go about dealing with.  At least in the beginning.  Now, it doesn't seem nearly as large of an issue.

There has to be a key somewhere.  The key to unlocking the door, and finding that scared little forgotten child within.  All it takes is patience and perserverance. 

When I read her profile, I cry.  She never had nurturing.  Ever. Not really.  She may have had a few moments in her young eight years...something to cling to, hold onto.  Unfortunately, she had way more times of neglect.

A lady came in our clinic with her two daughters, and one climbed on her mom's lap while we discussed the options for their pet, a new puppy named "Charlie."  I always try to maintain a sense of professionalism, but when the girl snuggled up on her mommy's lap, I couldn't help but yearn for the day when I can do that with mine. 

I couldn't help myself, and asked how old her girls were.  Ten and eight.  The youngest, was the one sitting in her lap. 

The little girl we submitted on, "L", probably yearned for a lap like that her whole life.  Getting shuffled around to relatives, watching her mother get high and wasted, going hungry...neglected, and abused.

"L" needs that.  To take her back to that deprived little girl who really does need to sit in a mommy's lap.  To have arms hold her securely, to rock her, smooth her hair...cherish her. 

Please don't give up, "L."   They are searching for a home for you...they are searching for a new mommy and daddy for you. Hang in there, kiddo.  Keep that death grip on life...hang on.

I want it to be us.

lovely girl.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

labels and decisions.

More new submissions.  Rethinking older ones. 

Are we giving each one the time it deserves?  We were told to submit to as many as we could, but then it feels like the ones you really want you don't get picked for, and the ones who you weren't really sure on the fit are the ones that come through.

One that we originally said no to keeps coming back to me in my mind and heart.  We didn't read the documents that the caseworker sent, because the initial response had said some things that scared us. 

I need to get it in my head that there are no perfect children...anywhere.  Not just foster kiddos, but any kiddo.  I can't be afraid of 'issues" that she might have.  I am not fearful of some things, like ADD or ADHD, or even Anxiety Adjustment Disorder.  But some are a little more scary.  Mood Disorder for one.

What exactly does that mean?  Are they mentally ill, or is this just a manifestation of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Soldiers who are coming back from the war have PTSD.  Are they also suffering from varying types of Mood Disorder? Do they get the help they need? Is it a lifetime disorder or is it something that can be fixed in time?

These questions plague me, gnawing at my brain. So, initially we weren't sure on a little girl we submitted on. 

She seems to have an 'invisible friend' and immediately in the foster kid world that sends up huge red flags to everyone.  Oh, she might be schizophrenic...but then again, countless kiddos who are in 'normal households' have imaginary friends and don't immediately get tagged with these HUGE baggage CLINICAL Brands!

How does one know? What can we handle and what can't we handle?

The key is to keep moving forward in the adoption process until you know for sure that it IS something that you just CANNOT handle.  Keep saying 'YES' until you have to say 'NO' and read up on everything first before you give an answer off the cuff just because initially a word scared you.

What are labels anyway? Who decides if they are permanent or not?  Helen Keller was basically thought to be hopeless.  All it took was one individual who had hope, and perserverance.  Her lifeline came in the form of a stubborn teacher. 

I can be stubborn.  I can be patient.  I can love.  I contacted our adoption worker and asked to be reconsidered.  I finally got the courage to read the documents.  Had to laugh. It wasn't nearly as bad as my mind had made it.

Silly.  Hope renews.

Read the label.  Study on it.  Get as much information as you possibly can.  Then decide.

Labels.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Child Is Waiting

I just watched a movie, "A Child Is Waiting."  Filmed in 1963, it starred Burt Lancaster and none other than Judy Garland, our Dorothy of the Wizzard of Oz.

Sadly, it told the story of a little boy whose father brought him to a school, or home, for the mentally challenged.  Rueben, a borderline mentally challenged boy portrayed in black and white, brought home the stark reality of life for kiddos back in the days where misunderstanding allowed kids to be shoved into institutions and spend their lives there, forgotten and unloved.

Little Rueben sat every Wednesday during the allotted 'family visiting day' for his folks to come visit him, but alas, they never came. 

His little anquished heart could not move forward, it was stuck. Stuck right in that spot where his daddy left him. Stuck.

How many of the kiddos in the foster system feel like little Rueben?  How many nights do they yearn for their parents, or any parents, to come and save them, and take them home? 

A Child waits. 

For me?

I can only hope so.  I can only pray so.

A child waits...

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

hungerpangs

I saw a lady yesterday who went through the adoption foundation training classes with us.  Her and her husband went through so that they could adopt a niece of theirs, keeping her out of the foster system.  They already had her in their home while they took the class.  (I got to see the beautiful girl a few weeks ago)

I admit it.  I was jealous. Jealous of the fact that she never had to go through all the ups and downs I have gone through with submitting our home study and waiting, waiting, waiting to hear some tiny bit of news.

She has had her share of ups and downs, I am sure. But at least she had the prize right in front of her!

Why is this so hard? We want a child.  A child needs us. Put us together, people!! It isn't rocket science!!

But, then I listen to the news.  A mother who adopted a boy is in the spotlight.  For abuse. How did SHE get to adopt a child anyway? Here we are, wonderful, loving parents...and we have yet to be selected.  How does this happen? 

The selection process is slow.  I guess it has to be. Pick the best parents for that child, or children.  Make sure they can handle the upcoming challenges. Make sure the fit is the best they can make. So, that there are no mistakes.

I am hungry. 

Nothing satisfies this hunger, this yearning.  The gnawing at my heart and soul is a daily occurance.  The pangs I feel are real, not imagined.  They claw at me, demanding my attention.

I yearn for a daughter or daughers. Simple. Plain. Honest truth.

The empty caverness space must be filled, but how can I speed up the process? How can I help it happen?

Hunger pangs.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Pickin' beans...pickin' kiddos

Just picked over 6 pounds of beans from the garden.

Who would have thought our little 25 x 25 plot could produce so many!

My back aches.  The rich, dark ground was still wet from watering it this morning, so I just bent over and picked on down the aisles. Ouch!

Bountiful harvest.  I see that I need to pick more zuchinni and summer squash..as well as cucumbers.

I love having fresh produce from our garden. No chemicals, no added preservatives, no coloring.  Just plain ole honest to goodness fresh veggies!

Of course, it means work too.  The sink is now full of beans that will either need to be blanched and frozen, or canned.  Over the winter, we will be able to enjoy all the fruits of our labor, so it is worth it.

Pickin' out kiddos is a bit tougher.  We have to find the right fit, the right little plant to transplant into our own garden. All their faces smile at me...pick me, pick me! Which one will be the right one? Who will she be, our daughter? My heart is already turning the soil, adding the fertilizer, getting it ready for planting. 

My prayers go out to her, whoever she is, where ever she is...Lord, begin the transformation now...the letting go of expectations, the acceptance of a new garden. We accept Your infinite wisdom...your perfect timing, your perfect daughter for us.

Our adoption worker sent a link to a girl in Texas.  Wow...she sounds like she would fit right into our family, our lives. Not all kiddos I read about evoke an emotional response. 

She did.  I cried. 

Maybe it is her.  Maybe next summer she will be pickin' beans alongside of me in our garden.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

summerdazed



Summer days are flowing along too fast for me.

Commercials on T.V. are already advertising sales on clothes and must haves for school. This is my second year being in this exact spot in time, all while waiting (not always so patiently) for the news that we might have been selected to go to committee for adoption.
How many of you are in this same predicament?
My hopes were to have a child/children by the time summer came along, so that we could have all summer to get to know one another, to form some type of bond prior to school starting. Last year, summer came and went in a daze. Then our hopes turned to “maybe before Thanksgiving?” but no kiddos, then on to ‘well, maybe by Christmas?”…still no kiddos.
This year rolled around and once again, I hoped and prayed fervently that our child would be with us before summer came. Tantalizing thoughts of camping trips and smores lay before me. Biking trips and day hikes. Trips to the zoo and fishing along the banks of Buena Vista ponds.
Yet, here I sit, with no child/kiddos.
My heart is ready. My home is ready. We are ready, already.
Summer is whizzing by in a daze.

day-to-day

Sigh.

Perhaps an even bigger one...

SIGH.

I keep checking on the status of the kiddos we submitted on through the OARE site.

Good news? They are all still showing "ACTIVE."  This means to me that I still have a shot at getting picked to go to committee.  A chance to be their mom.

I have been to committee once.  We were the second family...the 'back up' so to speak.  Terrible, but I kept hoping that somehow it wouldn't work with the first family, and they would come to us.  That lasted about a month long, the wishing...but over-all  I am grateful for the kiddos sake that it did work out, that they found their family. Out of the foster system and into a loving family.

I want it to be my turn.  My turn to be selected.  Been hoping a very long time.

I mentor a girl who just turned 11 today.  She is absolutely a sweet, wonderful girl.  She spent the afternoon and evening here with me yesterday.  I took her up to a fun little spot along a small river and we played in the water, catching crawdads...learning about them...and just splashing around.

We are finally at a place where we are comfortable just being together...no worries, just taking it day by day.  I don't have to worry about finding something to entertain her every second.  She was with me for 8 hours and the time flies by quickly.  She said something that warmed my heart when we finally left the picnic spot...she said, "This was the best day ever." 

Those simple words drove home the reality; that I am going to do okay at this. I can do this.

I realize that this is how it could be, if and when we finally adopt our girl, or girls.  Just livin' day to day...basking in the knowledge that she/they aren't going anywhere, that we have all the time in the world to explore new places, to bond even more, to love even deeper. 

Lookin' forward to that.

Day to Day.




Thursday, August 11, 2011

whenopportunityknocks

How many times does the proverbial door of opportunity open anyway?

How many chances does one get? 

We were asked to consider two girls, siblings, that needed placement rather quickly.  It was to be a newer type of placement, starting with Mentoring them for an undetermined amount of time, then if that worked out, moving on to fostering them, and ultimately adoption. 

I have to admit, I do like the idea of that program.  It is much less stressful for the kiddos, without the pressure of expectations on their plates.  It gives the adopter a chance to get to know the real side of them.  I base this statement on my current experiences with mentoring a ten year old girl.  She doesn't feel like she has to 'put on an act' for me, she is genuine and real. With no fear of rejection.

The major problem I knew we would have to overcome is their age.  My husband agreed to siblings IF they were young, such as "L" and "M" were.   I am a whole lot more flexible on that than my husband.  I would take a boy/girl group too, but he doesn't want to. 

We were sent the files on them, at least part of them.  No pictures.  No profile.  Just a clinical evaluation of them.  Two girls, ages 12 and almost 10.  Nothing of real concern in the evaluations of them really, other than the normal ranges of Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety (totally expect that!) and ADD or ADHD. 

We were supposed to read about them and talk about it and decide.  My husband said no.

Our caseworker had mentioned that if we keep saying no, we won't get a child.

Should we just settle then? I am torn.  I don't want to lose an opportunity.  I don't want to pass up a child/or children if they might end up being the right fit. For an adoption to be a success, there needs to be as many positives as we can possibly fit in. I think settling increases the chance of failure.

In the back of my mind, in the front of my heart...I feel like we need just a little bit younger girl/girls.

How many chances will we get? How many times will opportunity knock on our door?

I am fearful.



Wednesday, August 10, 2011

MEOW!

I am currently fostering four little kittens, whose mother was killed when they were about 2 1/2 weeks old. 

A gentleman brought them into the clinic where I work and pleaded for someone to take them. 

I, being the soft hearted fool that I am, raised my hand and said "yes" with a huge "SUCKER" painted to my forehead!

Now nearing 3 weeks into feedings, helping them potty, cleaning them up and hearing them persistently squalling every 2 1/2 hours...I find myself exhausted.  Yes, I admit it.  I have thrown up my hands in the air and cried to the heavens, "WHAT on EARTH possessed me to take these things?" My husband looks on, amused, as I complain about scratch marks on my ankles from starving kittens clawing their way up my leg to get to the one and only nipple, full of milk.

Seriously, they act like they haven't eaten in days.  Meow, meow, meow!!!

What on earth, you might ask, does THIS have to do with adoption?

AHHHH.....

There will be times when we ask ourselves, "WHY did we do this?" "What on EARTH was I thinking?!"
There will be times when we cry to the heavens, and fall upon the bed, completely and utterly exhausted.

The kittens don't care how I feel.  They only have survival in mind.  When and where is the next meal coming? Who can scratch and claw their way first to the nipple? Who will be the strongest one, and push the other off?
Survival.

We haven't been matched yet.  But, I do know there will be those low moments.  Best to be honest with myself. Best to prepare for it now in my heart.  Best to know that beyond the survival methods we will face with these kiddos, there lies a broken heart, waiting for the walls to come down...waiting for that moment when they finally realize their needs are actually being met and they can relax, relax into our hearts.

Meow!








Tuesday, August 9, 2011

reminderz

Squish.

Squish, squish...mud oozes through bared toes as I plod along.

This could be a moment of pure disgust, of pure horror...or of pure joy.

I happen to be a tomboy at heart, and think that the feeling of the wet earth is a good thing.  A moment of bliss.

I could chose to look at the negative side of things, and run for the showers.  I could look at it as a hinderance...walking on a clear path is the easier, less dirty route and I could get to my destination sooner. 

I could chose to sit down and wallow in it too.

But I don't.  Not today.  Not tomorrow. 

I choose to relish it.  To laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all; to continue trudging along on this uneasy path, the path of adoption.

I have to remind myself of that beach long ago.  (see first postings) The footprints in the sand.  Mine and a child, or children...running through the wet sand...barefoot.  Oh the possibilities!

I chose to remember.