Christmas Miracles

In the daylight, miracles seem a little less obtainable.

But, under the night sky and the magical shadows, they seem to be within reach of my outstretched hand.

I go through many emotions during a 24 hour period during this amazing journey, the journey to adoption.  I struggle with the unknown; let's face it...when you can't control something, it becomes a looming danger zone of uncertainties.

I don't consider myself a control freak at all. Probably like most of you, I just would rather know the outcome in some situations. This is one of those times.

Having your future depend on others is disconcerting at best.  With caseworkers, adoption workers, and even technology all in play, it can become a scary endeavor. You have to depend on them to carry you on through the process and they are, after all, human...with all the human tendencies to put things off, forget things and make mistakes.

So, you have to have a lot of patience.

I think I have said it before, but it really is the "hurry up and wait" scenario.  I can answer an email with lightening speed, because I am motivated to "get 'er done" and send it back. Why oh why can't everyone else?

It isn't high on the priority list? Maybe. There are some caseworkers who are the 9 to 5 type, only answering emails or phone messages, and even texts within their "paid" hours. Then there are those, who really do offer you 24 hour assistance. 

Of course I do realize that they have lives too, and can't get so wrapped up in our lives, us adoptee wannabes, that they lose sight of their own goals and what not. I don't hold it against them, really I don't!

So, you have to have a lot of patience. (maybe if I tell myself this enough, it will happen?) lol

When I do get answers, my heart soars; and my evenings are spent daydreaming about the fun things I can do with my daughter at Christmas. Go find a tree.  Make homemade paper swags.  Make homemade cookies. Drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas shows in front of a crackling fire. Go for walks and kick the fall leaves high into the air. Take drives and yell "Christmas lights!" every time you see lights on a house, or in a window.

The last thought before I fall asleep is of her, my lovelygirl.

Then I wake up and the daylight steals the magic of the dark skies twinkling with a billion stars. In daylight things become glaringly obvious.

Doubts creep in.

Because once again, my future is in the hands of  others. Others who don't know me, who don't know her. Others who have their own busy lives. Others who might be too busy with holiday activities to really care about a lost little 8 yr old girl who needs a family of her own for Christmas, and a mother who is waiting with open arms.

Still, I cling to the hope and faith that keeps me going.  I believe in miracles. Christmas miracles. It can happen. It has for others before, it can for us now.

As I gaze at the gray bleakness, blue sky parts the ominous clouds.  Suddenly, the sun beams shine in and dance on the droplets of water clinging to the barren branches of the maple tree in my yard sending shimmering fragments of light over the yard. Spectacular.

And I believe once again.

resolve

going through the motions of another holiday without lovelygirl just tightened my resolve.

will caseworkers think i am too pushy? maybe
will adoption worker think i am too annoying? maybe

i do try and push onward with some amount of tactfullness and above all a kind heart.

there seems to be more unanswered questions than answered ones at this point.

i can't give up. not now.

will it really take six to nine months for the icpc to go through?
will they get her declared legally free before christmas?
will she be able to come for a visit once she is legally free?

it is so incredibly hard to be patient.

maybe the stubborn side of me that my parents had a hard time dealing with will help pull me through.

resolve.

computerilliterate

yup.

that is me.

computer illiterate. ie computer dummy.

In general, I try to be brave and check out new things, and the other day, a shiny button that I hadn't noticed before caught my eye...

"Try the updated Blogger interface"  (WOW!! COOL!!) c.l.i.c.k.

lol

I pushed it.

my blog completely dissappeared! An error script popped up. I tried everything my feeble mind could think of, but nothing worked. nada. fini. gone.

After a day went by, I decided to reach out and call someone...I emailed my friend, "H" who really must be an angel, and pleaded my case.

She went on and actually fixed it. (within minutes) WHEW!!! What would I do without my blog?

THANK YOU, "H"!!!! lol

Seriously though, everything in life has a lesson to learn behind it, right?  The lesson I will take from this is this:

It's okay to try new ways of doing things, but in the end, don't get in over your head, and if you do...don't hesitate to ask for help!

In the days ahead, I will be trying new things with lovelygirl...new ways of teaching her the right way to do things, new ways of 'discipline' as in "time-ins" instead of the old "time-outs" etc. 

In my searching, via internet and reading books by more experienced people than I, I will undoubtedly stumble and fall, and make many mistakes.  I need to try not to get in over my head, but if I do, to not be afraid to ask for help...call my support network.

Admit my mistakes or faults and learn from them. Know my limitations.

*smile*

It feels good to be here again.

dis.joint.ed

disjointed.

feeling a bit lost tonight. a month ago, i thought we would have lovelygirl for the thanksgiving break, but we won't. another holiday without her, our daughter. as you can tell, i am not too interested in punctuation or spelling tonight. no, tonight i just feel lost.

i talked to our match assistant worker, a very nice lady by the way, and told her via email that i had seen that lovelygirl was still on the site.

she got it taken care of right away. the next day in fact. thank you "d"!

a huge sigh of relief that no more families out there in cyberspace will see our lovelygirl's smile, and her eyes, and rush to send in their home studies on her.

fm said again to me that she thinks the icpc will take at least 6 months, usually 9 months. will it?

there is still no hearing date to declare her legally free. if she isn't free, she won't be able to come down for a visit over christmas break. she has a lot of stuff going on right now, mainly medical.

lovelygirl is doing better.  she has to take laxatives all day long. can this be good for her little body? will it keep nutrients from being able to be absorbed? she needs nutrients, how long will the regiment last?  it can't be good for a body to be having bowel movements all day long, can it? i mean, a normal kid isn't expected to have a bm every hour on the hour, why should she?


i worry about her alot. want to be there for her, to help her through this difficult time. to encourage her, give her positive feedback. all those things a mother should do for her daughter. i feel some jealousy that fm is there for her and i am not. not a bad jealousy, but the painful longing kind.


do any of these ramblings make any sense at all?


disjointed.

slippery slopes

weird how one thing can take you from that path of confidence and send you careening down the slippery slopes of worry-itis.

yup, that's my life. especially now.  the adoption rollercoaster ride.

since we heard that we are the family selected for lovelygirl, we have not even looked at other children. I even got several emails that caseworkers were interested in us...but I didn't stray from my vision of lovelygirl as our daughter.

so, why today did I get the desire to make sure that our lovelygirl's profile was removed from the site?

no one will ever know why.

i just did it. I looked.

she wasn't removed.

still there, cute as a button, inviting everyone in the world to submit on her.

i was like, whaaa????

then all the doubts and fears come flooding in. try and rationalize it. maybe they just haven't gotten around to removing her. maybe they just didn't know a family was selected.

still, the slopes are slippery and i am not the most sure footed person in the world.

my thoughts crash into those dark valleys...

maybe the caseworkers are still accepting more home studies. maybe they don't really like us that much and are holding out for someone better. maybe we have been thinking that this is going to go through for us and it really isn't. maybe we will lose lovelygirl at the very last minute.

we don't hear much news. so, my mind thinks it is logical to think those thoughts. rational?

after all this time, and all the near misses, will this be yet another miss?

no. no. no. don't think this way. u can't. don't look down into the depths. the caverns. look up.

no slippery slopes.

angels we have heard on high

I admit it.

I am one of "those" people. 
The people who love the holidays so much that they start Christmas early. *giggle*

Today, I listened to the Transiberian Orchestra (and all similar) Christmas music on Pandora radio.  I just love listening to it. No singing, just music. Beautiful.

I dragged out a fake tree and set it up in the living room. Why fake? How could I, you ask.  I generally like to have a REAL tree for Christmas, but since I started sooo early, I didn't want to buy two real ones...as the first one would likely be dead and dropping needles well before the yuletides bring Christmas. My boys and their significant others will be coming for Thanksgiving, and I wanted to have some of the holiday decorations up...just a few, to make it feel like it's supposed to feel...magical.

This year, I am full of hope. This year, I am praying that a certain little eight year old girl will at the very least, be able to come for a visit during the holidays.

It would have been nice to have her for real, but very unlikely.  Lovelygirl's birthmom signed the relinquishment papers, but as of yet, we have heard nothing on when the hearing will be in which she becomes legally free. The fact that we didn't have to wait until December 7th to have a TPR hearing is a great present in and of itself, but of course I am hoping for more.

I know that holidays are very hard on foster care kiddos, and adopted ones. They carry many "triggers" that can set them off into various behaviors.

Holidays represent family. And to these kiddos, even if their real families were abusive, they are still their family.

I want to be very sensitive to her moods, and let her know that it's ok to be real with me. It's ok to say she misses her family, or if she cries, or wants some alone time. I want to be intuitive, to spot that slight change in behavior that might be indicitive of a trigger being set off.

I want her needs to be foremost in all of our minds and hearts this holiday season. Her life has been a turmoil.  Let this Christmas be simple, homespun, and full of warmth and love. No huge parties.  Quiet. Peaceful. Silent night.  Holy night.

So, even though I did drag out a fake tree for now. I am full of hope that we can go together, our new little family, and get a real tree in a quiet, out of the way tree farm or something...and decorate it together, her and I, while cookies bake in the oven and Christmas music plays softly in the background.

Lord, set your sweet angels around lovelygirl right now, to keep her safe from harm.  May You bring peace and hope to lovelygirl's heart right now. Guard and protect her, oh fierce and mighty angels, and wrap your heavenly wings about her. Sleep in heavenly peace. Amen.

Selah

thankfulness

Yesterday, it happened.

The email we had been waiting for. 

It brought a mixed bag of emotions with it.

The email was from lovelygirl's caseworker. She wanted to let us know that she had just been with lovelygirl's birthmom.  "R" had come in and signed the relinquishment papers. We won't have to wait for the TPR hearing on Dec 7th.

Of course I read it and cried...with joy and happiness for our dream finally coming true.  Then it turned to tears of sorrow for "R" the birthmom, and of course for lovelygirl.

I am struck once again by the horrible irony of the situation.

In order for our dreams to come true, someone else's dream has to be shattered.

"R" had her first child at 16 yrs old, lovelygirl's half sibling. Then at 18 yrs old, she had lovelygirl. Altogether, she has had 4 children, none of which are with her at this time. Drugs seem to be at the forefront of it all. Sad that her addictions have cost her the most important thing she could ever lose...her children.

Still, my heart goes out to her. Though I wanted to post a blog yesterday, to share my news, it didn't feel right to be so happy, while she is so sad.  So, I just prayed for her yesterday. And I will continue to.
She didn't ask for anything except twice yearly pictures and letters.

In my heart, I know that in lovelygirl's case, this is for the best, but it still will be difficult for both of them. Even though lovelygirl didn't see her mother much during her life, she is still the woman who gave birth to her. Difficult moments will come because of this. It will take years before lovelygirl will understand the true nature of what her mother did for her.

I have no doubt she ultimately gave her up out of love. She just had no means to raise any of her children, and knew it. She lacks important parenting skills, mostly of being able to put her kids needs above her own.

Still...I could feel her heart wrenching all the way down here.

Thank you, "R" for doing the right thing. For giving lovelygirl a chance at a safe and secure life, in which she will be loved and cherished.  We will not hide you under a rug, and never talk about you. I will make sure that lovelygirl remembers you.  Thank you for your ultimate sacrifice.  I pray that God will give you peace. I will do my utmost to raise her to be a kind, and loving person...someone you can be proud of.

It seems fitting that right before Thanksgiving, my heart is full of an overwhelming thankfulness for this gift of a daughter, for lovelygirl. Thank you, God.  Thank you, "R"

thankfulness

'nuff said

I got a text today at work from FM (foster mom) of our lovelygirl.

She had taken her to the doctors today, mainly so that a nurse could show her how to take care of hygiene and teach her how to wipe correctly.

Sounds like a gross subject, eh? It's a follow up to yesterdays blog, people! And if you read on, I promise you will come out much more enlightened.

I had told her about an online class I took at http://www.fostercollege.com/ on "Wetting and Soiling" and had really tried hard to figure out into what category lovelygirl was in, so we could get the correct help for her.

FM had told me about her recently beginning to "soil" her pants, with the correct name being "encropesis." I questioned her about when it happens, what does it look like, what does it smell like, is she hiding it etc. She told me that she was removing her undies at school and throwing them away when it happened at school. (HINT: kiddos who do it for protection don't usually try and hide it) And that it was "extremely foul smelling" (another Hint at what it could be) and that it was like pasty almost diarrhea like in constistancy, (another hint) and also that her room stunk to high heaven as well as the bathroom.  She also said that when Lovelygirl took a bath, there were silver dollar sized "flakes" of the stuff floating around in the tub.

So, I had mentioned that it really sound like she had the type in which the child withholds from having a bowel movement.  The reasons they do this are many, and at this point we have no idea why she did.  She had a doctor appointment today, and I am thrilled to say that foster mom actually mentioned it to the doctor and they checked her out.  GUESS WHAT?

She is full of compacted fecal matter.  See, when they don't go, it gets bigger and harder and then they CAN'T go. The results are that some liquid/pasty fecal matter "leaks" around the edges and out into their undies, looking like they had an accident in their pants, or didn't wipe very good.

My poor little lovelygirl...she has been in pain for a long time.  It is painful, just so you know. Think of the last time you were constipated and times that by 100! And yet, she is a delightful, chatty little girl.

Unfortunately, she isn't comfortable telling people what her needs are, or her hurts. She never told anyone, just tried to deal with it as best as she could...all alone, all by herself, with no help.  I am sure she felt shame, and embarrassment when people made fun of her...yet could tell no one.

My heart goes out to my lovelygirl.  I thank God that we found the source and can now begin the treatment plan to help her through this and help her heal from this. I wish I could be there to hold her close and comfort her. I am so thankful that I took our adoption worker's advice and took the online class!

If you are adopting from the foster system, there are many issues these kids have and face everyday.  To not judge them, but to try and find out the reasons behind the behavior and seek to find a way to help them overcome it ARE VITAL!

Take that extra time to LEARN everything you can. Don't just assume that they will suddenly get better in your home, that just being in a permanent home will magically take away all their troubles. 

AFFEC gives you lots of places to learn more. My advice is to do it!

"NUFF SAID!

let's get real

Ok.

Let's get real.

When I re-read my posts, even I think it all sounds like a fairytale. And to some extent it is. But let's get real here.

Adopting a child from the foster system isn't all rosy and sugary and sappy and wonderful. How can it be? These kiddos have gone through (exuse my language here) HELL and back, some have many times over.  They are in the foster system for a reason.

Abuse.  Whether verbal, physical, mental, or sexual.  It's still abuse.
Neglect. Not only physical neglect, but mental and emotional neglect as well.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very real for these kids. We all give props to the Veterens who have gone out in battle, done things they wish they could take back, and seen things they wish they could forget.  But what about the many children in foster care? They have been in battle for as long as they can remember. Yet we look with disdain at the chaos it creates.

Let's get real.

Lovelgirl has her own set of "issues" and "behaviors."  Some fall directly under the PTSD heading, and some don't.  But all are a direct result of what happened to her in her life, by people she trusted and depended on for survival. She was let down so many times, she can't even count them. She was hurt so many times, she doesn't understand real love at all.

Lest you all get caught up in the fantasy of adopting a child to "save" them, I am here to remind you that it isn't a fairytale. Far from it.

Get ready for this child to turn your world upside down. He/she will test you in every way possible. 

Right now, lovelygirl is testing her foster mom big time.  She learned at some point in her young life that she has very little that she can control.  She can't control what others do to her, she can't control where she is placed...basically she has no say.

What can she control?

As I said, at some point she saw something that worked for another child, or discovered it quite by accident.

Lovelygirl has enuresis and encropesis. 

What are these lovely sounding names? What do they mean?

It means she wets and poops. 

In her case, we aren't sure yet which type hers falls under.  We do know that she was neglected since birth.  Doubtful if she was every potty trained. She can control it, when she wants. I think it is more of the "get even" with my caregivers.  She just recently started the pooping thing. Because I am in another state, I only recieve these 'updates' from FM (fostermom) and don't actually "see" what she sees.  So, I don't know yet if she is actually holding it in, and has severe constipation (which does leak yucky smelly stuff onto the undies) or if she is actually doing ALL of this as a defense mechanism..."if I smell disgusting, the pervs will leave me alone"

She is in a house with 2 thirteen year old boys, who, even tho they have a low IQ, ARE still in a teenager's body with raging hormones etc.

I do feel helpless at this point.

The reason I decided to post on my blog is so that you all know that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' child from foster care. (and in real life birth kiddos either)

BUT before you wrinkle your nose in disgust, and turn your head away...hear this:

WE KNEW ABOUT ALL OF THIS BEFORE WE DECIDED TO ADOPT HER!!!

Yes, we are going to be challenged, yes we are going to have our moments of dispair. BUT we still want her. We STILL are going through with this. We didn't decide to adopt from the foster care system to get a perfect child. There aren't any, so why pretend they exist?

So, I just wanted to say all of this to be totally honest. We all need to go into this with our eyes WIDE open. To expect the worst, to plan for the worst.

We have no idea how it will play out. I have read stories where all expected behaviors after the "honeymoon" period never came to pass. But, I am not going to put stock in those stories.

I have a picture frame, with a pic of my lovelygirl and me, and it says this:

A mother is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today for exactly who you are.

Pretty powerful stuff there.

I UNDERSTAND her past, and her need to feel out of control, or to try and protect herself as best as she can.  I BELIEVE that she can heal from some of these demons, if not all of them...and come out a stronger beautiful adult.  I ACCEPT her with all her faults, even if she has a load of poo in her pants...for exactly who she is today.

Let's get real.

asafeplacetoland

asafeplacetoland




Lovelygirl finally gets to go to a therapist/counceling session.


She has been at this foster home now for about 3 months now, and hasn't had a chance to go see one before now.


I was talking to FM (fostermom) via texting, and lovelygirl is pretty confused about what adoption actually means. Of coure, who can blame her? She has been tossed around like a fallen leaf in the blustery fall winds; No place to land.

She told FM that she thinks adoption means she doesn't have to move, but she will be eventually going to her bio mom's to live. So, she views adoption as just another foster home, but one she will stay at, until her bio mom can get her.


She hasn't even seen her bio mom since April.


My heart breaks for her. I can't even imagine the confusion and loss she feels.


The man who is listed as her birth father she calls her "Stepdad."


I am glad that she is at a councelor. I pray that they will find insight and a way to begin unraveling all the false information that lovelgirl has recieved.


No place to land.

Her mantra at the moment. No place to land. No safe place to be. Stuck.


We want to be her safe place to land. To eventually help her feel secure and safe. To help her realize her potential. To help her feel wanted. So she can land, and relax, and just be herself.


Until then, she doesn't feel safe. She doesn't feel secure. She has no idea what will happen to her. She doesn't feel wanted. She doesn't feel loved. She is eight years old. No eight year old child should feel this way.


What she needs?


A safe place to land.

hangingon

Going to be a tenacious bulldog, holding on fiercely to her.

Not going to let go.

Going to believe. Believe that soon, she will be our daughter, soon she will be here with us.

Hanging on.

Not going to let go.

Going to believe.  Believe that things will turn around for the good.  Believe that soon, she will be ours.

You have to hold on to your dreams. To your hopes.  To your beliefs.  To those you love.  To those you will love.

Hanging on.

Our adoption worker told me that she can tell I have already bonded with her.  That I am showing that protectiveness...of a mother for her child.

Hanging on.

tenaciously.

helpless

well. it happened.
TPR hearing was moved.
Till December 7th.

helpless.

what am i supposed to do?

helpless.

possiblitites of the whole process taking much, much longer than expected. maybe 9 months.

helpless.

may not get to talk to lovelygirl until after December 7th now.

helpless.

i talked to her tonight for 15 minutes. timed. when the timer went off she hung up.

helpless.

i can't even begin to imagine how she will feel if it takes almost a year to finally be able to move here. nothing i can do to help her. she won't understand the process.  how can she. she is eight years old.

helpless.

goingthroughthemotions

A lot going on lately.

Understatement of the year.

When your mind is pulled in too many different directions, something is bound to fall apart. 

Of course, the one big thing on my mind is lovelygirl. So, I tend to think of her alot.  Because we are still in the waiting game.  Waiting to see if she will become legally free.  Waiting to see if they get the ICPC done and submitted in a timely manner.  Waiting to see if she will become our daughter.

Her foster mom said she has been looking at our picture book alot.  Talking about moving down here.

So, I think about her.  I think about what she is doing. I think about how she is feeling. I wonder if she is really scared inside. I worry about her becoming victimized again.  She is too far away for me to protect her. I can only send my prayers. 

Going through the motions of day to day life.

I lay in bed for hours thinking of her, and can't get to sleep. That in turn affects my next day.  If I am working, I am sluggish and tired, but distracted.  I keep my cell phone in my pocket on vibrate, waiting to hear something...anything. I make the silliest mistakes...spelling, switching words around, etc.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go spend time with my mentee...and I completely forgot to go! I felt absolutely horrible.  I called as soon as I realized my mistake, and her caregivers seemed upset at me. I keep trying to stay busy so that I don't worry too much, and it backfired! I got tooo busy, and forgot my poor little mentee.

I am awake, going through the motions of living, getting up, taking a shower, going to work, etc....all the while completely distracted by a little girl in WA.

Going through the motions.