The answer came sooner than I thought.

No.

We were not selected to be parents to the two girls, "L" and "M".  A younger, Chinese couple was selected.  We were fairly close in everything with them, neck and neck, but because they are Chinese and the youngest is part chinese, they selected them.

No.

And now to the lower places the adoption journey takes us. 

Despair.

dream vs nightmare

I had the most awful nightmare last night.

When I finally woke up, my heart was aching from the very real feelings I felt during my restless sleep.

In my nightmare, my entire family all disowned me...all at once. No explanations, no reasons why...just completely turned on me and pointed their fingers to the exit sign.

First came the complete Shock at what they had done. A terrible blow, that I felt deep into my soul, and also on my actual body. As though I had been hit by a two by four in the dark: surprise...WHACK!

Then the feelings of the most profound Loss imaginable enveloped me. I felt it tangibly, as though I had been immersed in it's black depths, completely and utterly Alone.

Anquish and Rejection came next. I was swimming in it, trying desperately to stay afloat, treading water with every ounce of my being. Slowly, but surely, I started to sink, feeling myself drown in this pool of rejection.

I pleaded and begged for mercy. No one heard me.

My family, who had been there for me up until that point of separation, turned their backs on me. At one point, I felt such utter dispair, I wanted to die, and contemplated killing myself. Life just wasn't worth living.

During all of these feelings of sadness and pain, I also became angry. I lashed out at them all, wanting them to feel some of the pain I was feeling; the hurt and betrayal rushing to the surface and screaming out for justice.

I had two suitcases given to me, left on my bed actually, and I began to try and pack as many of my personal belongings as I could stuff into them, all the while grieving my losses.

Then just as I was walking away, towards some unknown place...I woke up.

Wow.

My physical body was still reacting in real time, to the pain of my dream. My heart ached and I felt like I actually had been sobbing.

It was just a nightmare. I could wake up. I could make it go away. Reality washed over me and hit me again like a ton of bricks.

Today is the day the committee meets and decides for two little girls, who have no voice of their own, on who will become their mother and father. They don't have a say in this.

Neither do we.

In one moment of decision, lives are changed. Forever. This is a monumental decision. It must be made, or they will be foster children forever, unwanted and forlourn.

If we are selected, we will celebrate. We will be joyous and happy, the compiling of many years of dreaming. Our dream to adopt will be realized. The happiness we will feel will be beyond anything we have felt before.

And yet, at that exact same moment, two little girls' dreams will be crushed. They will enter the nightmare I had experienced.

They have already felt much of that nightmare, but being a foster child is a temporary state. They have held onto the hope that they would be reunited with their birth family. No matter how awful life may have been, it still is their family, and they love them.

In order for our dream to be realized, they will have to lose their dreams.

This is what is on my heart today, as I wait for our answer.

May I enter into this motherhood, if chosen, with thoughts of what they are enduring in order for me to realize my dreams.

They will have sacrificed much.

May I ever be mindful of their pain, and loss.

Lord, help them today in their nightmare. Surround them with your angels to protect their little souls. Be with them. Help the committee select the best parents for them. Amen.

Stayingpower

Staying power.

That thing within us that enables us to keep going. Perseverance. Bulldoggedness. Holding tight to what you believe in. Holding tight.

I want to have staying power.

Truth is, I lack it much of the time. I give in to fears, to doubts, to lies.

I listen to those fears and doubts. Is it that I don't believe in myself? Do I believe I don't deserve to have good things happen to me? Maybe.

What are the things in my life worth holding onto for dear life? The obvious answers of course: My family, my friends, and things that make me feel good about myself. Art, music, nature.

Tomorrow I am facing another obstacle.

Committee is set for tomorrow at nine in the morning. It should take the better part of the day for this committee to decide on who the parents of the siblings, "L" and "M" should be.

A writer friend of mine tells me that I need to claim them as mine. To make them mine in my heart, to decide that they belong to us and that will make it so. Positive thinking at it's best.

I try to. But, there is a part deep inside me that fears they will pick another family. Does that mean that it won't happen because inside of me there is a conflict?

There is also the strong desire to want the very best for these two girls. In my heart I want that to be us. My mind questions it. Will the committee think WE are the best for them? I just don't know.

So, if a dog sees a bone laying there, a nice juicy bone...and there are two other dogs all eyeballing the same bone. How many will go for it? All of them likely will try for it. But the most confident dog will end up with it. The one who believes he/she deserves it the most. There may be a dog fight over it, but ultimately, the strongest will prevail.

I know I have that strength inside of me. But it isn't up to me. I think that is the biggest obstacle I face. It isn't up to me if we get them or not. We won't be there. We can't fight for them. We just have to sit back and let others decide for us.

Therein lies my fear.

I have to trust others to decide. I have to let go and be confident that those who are there to represent us know us well enough to show our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. I have to trust that the best will be decided.

So, I will be pacing. Back and forth. Anxiously waiting for the answer.

Staying power.