Christmas Miracles

In the daylight, miracles seem a little less obtainable.

But, under the night sky and the magical shadows, they seem to be within reach of my outstretched hand.

I go through many emotions during a 24 hour period during this amazing journey, the journey to adoption.  I struggle with the unknown; let's face it...when you can't control something, it becomes a looming danger zone of uncertainties.

I don't consider myself a control freak at all. Probably like most of you, I just would rather know the outcome in some situations. This is one of those times.

Having your future depend on others is disconcerting at best.  With caseworkers, adoption workers, and even technology all in play, it can become a scary endeavor. You have to depend on them to carry you on through the process and they are, after all, human...with all the human tendencies to put things off, forget things and make mistakes.

So, you have to have a lot of patience.

I think I have said it before, but it really is the "hurry up and wait" scenario.  I can answer an email with lightening speed, because I am motivated to "get 'er done" and send it back. Why oh why can't everyone else?

It isn't high on the priority list? Maybe. There are some caseworkers who are the 9 to 5 type, only answering emails or phone messages, and even texts within their "paid" hours. Then there are those, who really do offer you 24 hour assistance. 

Of course I do realize that they have lives too, and can't get so wrapped up in our lives, us adoptee wannabes, that they lose sight of their own goals and what not. I don't hold it against them, really I don't!

So, you have to have a lot of patience. (maybe if I tell myself this enough, it will happen?) lol

When I do get answers, my heart soars; and my evenings are spent daydreaming about the fun things I can do with my daughter at Christmas. Go find a tree.  Make homemade paper swags.  Make homemade cookies. Drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas shows in front of a crackling fire. Go for walks and kick the fall leaves high into the air. Take drives and yell "Christmas lights!" every time you see lights on a house, or in a window.

The last thought before I fall asleep is of her, my lovelygirl.

Then I wake up and the daylight steals the magic of the dark skies twinkling with a billion stars. In daylight things become glaringly obvious.

Doubts creep in.

Because once again, my future is in the hands of  others. Others who don't know me, who don't know her. Others who have their own busy lives. Others who might be too busy with holiday activities to really care about a lost little 8 yr old girl who needs a family of her own for Christmas, and a mother who is waiting with open arms.

Still, I cling to the hope and faith that keeps me going.  I believe in miracles. Christmas miracles. It can happen. It has for others before, it can for us now.

As I gaze at the gray bleakness, blue sky parts the ominous clouds.  Suddenly, the sun beams shine in and dance on the droplets of water clinging to the barren branches of the maple tree in my yard sending shimmering fragments of light over the yard. Spectacular.

And I believe once again.