Only 8 more days until we meet our daughter.
Our lovelygirl.
The torrents of rain pouring out of the sky began minutes after we entered the DSHS building. Up the creaking elevator, down several corriders and finally into the room we had set our sights on. The set of SEVEN whole volumes, in 2" thick binders looked omnious as they were strewn about on the large table when we walked in the office. They had warned us to expect at least 3 hours of wading through all her information, and they were not kidding!
But, lest you all fear for your sanity when it is your turn, let me reassure you...ALOT is merely repeated over and over. Redundancy in its finest. Also, in our case, we had to hunt through and find lovelygirl's information, which was tucked in here and there amongst the other children that were in the home at the time that DHS got involved.
The great news for us?
After each volume was read through, a sigh of relief was given. By the time we got to volume 7, (Oh, did I mention that 7 is a lucky number? lol) a huge wave of relief had washed over us.
There wasn't anything new in her files that we didn't already know about. No hidden surprises. No freak out moments. No reasons to run. Nada. Nothing. YAY!
The confidence this brings is immense. IWe can plan. We can prepare. We know what to expect. (well, always expect the unexpected, right?)
Our lovelygirl.
Be prepared tho, to see things that might disturb you. Pictures or graphic detail of why this kiddo is in the system in the first place. Tears your heart up. Makes you angry. Makes you deeply, deeply sad for them.
Wow, the Mama Bear rose up within me...Grrrrrrrrrrrrr how could anyone do anything to hurt a child???? Hurt our lovelygirl?
I will dream of her tonight.
Our lovelygirl.
Eight. More. Days.
Eight.
Lovelygirl.
lovelygirl and me
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
heygirlhey...
Hey girl, hey...
lovelygirl is biracial. So beautiful.
This may be a touchy subject for some. I apologize for that. I try to always have an open mind about all things. As I am not, nor ever will be, the Judge, I don't feel right about judging anyone.
I watched some you tube videos about transracial adoption. Some people are really not into it.
Some are downright angry. They don't feel that an A/A child should be adopted by whites.
Albiet, she is half caucasian too. But also, half African American.
I will do as much as I possibly can to keep her identity intact. She is African American. And white. Both. Not just one. Both. I have plans on meeting up with friends who are both biracial and A/A. To get help on how to take care of her hair and skin. Also, to help get us connected more with the A/A world.
When I look at her, I see a lovely girl, a beautiful child who needs the permanency that adoption can bring. She desperately needs a family to belong to, who will see her just as she is, and accept her just as she is. One who will help her overcome difficulties in life...being a kid from the foster system, being adopted, being adopted by whites, and being a biracial child.
I see her heart. In which beats the same color of blood as all of us.
I heart you lovelygirl,
hey girl hey...
lovelygirl is biracial. So beautiful.
This may be a touchy subject for some. I apologize for that. I try to always have an open mind about all things. As I am not, nor ever will be, the Judge, I don't feel right about judging anyone.
I watched some you tube videos about transracial adoption. Some people are really not into it.
Some are downright angry. They don't feel that an A/A child should be adopted by whites.
Albiet, she is half caucasian too. But also, half African American.
I will do as much as I possibly can to keep her identity intact. She is African American. And white. Both. Not just one. Both. I have plans on meeting up with friends who are both biracial and A/A. To get help on how to take care of her hair and skin. Also, to help get us connected more with the A/A world.
When I look at her, I see a lovely girl, a beautiful child who needs the permanency that adoption can bring. She desperately needs a family to belong to, who will see her just as she is, and accept her just as she is. One who will help her overcome difficulties in life...being a kid from the foster system, being adopted, being adopted by whites, and being a biracial child.
I see her heart. In which beats the same color of blood as all of us.
I heart you lovelygirl,
hey girl hey...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
wonderings
Hello lovelygirl.
I wonder if today you are doing okay. I wonder if today you are happy. Are you sad today? Are you sitting in your classroom wondering when this will all end? All the foster placements, the upheaval. All the changes in your young life?
I wonder if today, you are wondering when someone will rescue you?
You don't even know we exist yet. And that we are praying for you. Do you feel the winds of change blowing again? Can you feel something stirring around you?
You don't even know that in 10 days we might be coming to meet you. How will you feel? They said you want a mommy and daddy. But still...to have that closes the door to the past. How can we help you through it all? What can we say to help ease your mind? To help you transition to a new life?
Dear Lord, help this little girl today. Give her a peace that passes our understandings. Begin the healing process...set a hedge of angels around her...comfort her...protect her heart and her mind. Help her cope with her classmates, and the kiddos at daycare, and at her new foster home. Give her strength.
Help lovelygirl today, Lord.
She is on my mind constantly, this lovelygirl. Her smile, her dark brown eyes, her long curly hair, her expression of dispair mixed with hope.
She is on my mind. My heart.
wonderings.
I wonder if today you are doing okay. I wonder if today you are happy. Are you sad today? Are you sitting in your classroom wondering when this will all end? All the foster placements, the upheaval. All the changes in your young life?
I wonder if today, you are wondering when someone will rescue you?
You don't even know we exist yet. And that we are praying for you. Do you feel the winds of change blowing again? Can you feel something stirring around you?
You don't even know that in 10 days we might be coming to meet you. How will you feel? They said you want a mommy and daddy. But still...to have that closes the door to the past. How can we help you through it all? What can we say to help ease your mind? To help you transition to a new life?
Dear Lord, help this little girl today. Give her a peace that passes our understandings. Begin the healing process...set a hedge of angels around her...comfort her...protect her heart and her mind. Help her cope with her classmates, and the kiddos at daycare, and at her new foster home. Give her strength.
Help lovelygirl today, Lord.
She is on my mind constantly, this lovelygirl. Her smile, her dark brown eyes, her long curly hair, her expression of dispair mixed with hope.
She is on my mind. My heart.
wonderings.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
tomakeyoufeelmylove
Lovelygirl,
...When the rain is blowing in your face
and the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
...When evening shadows and the stars appear
and there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
...I know you haven't made your mind up yet
but I would never do your wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong
...I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There aint nothin that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love.
...The storms are ragin on the rollin sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You aint seen nothin like me yet
...I could make you happy make your dreams come true
There aint nothin that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love.
...When the rain is blowing in your face
and the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
...When evening shadows and the stars appear
and there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
...I know you haven't made your mind up yet
but I would never do your wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong
...I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There aint nothin that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love.
...The storms are ragin on the rollin sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You aint seen nothin like me yet
...I could make you happy make your dreams come true
There aint nothin that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
perfection
This past weekend, I attended a dog show in Shelton, WA. Well, more than attended, I entered my little male toy poodle in the show.
AKC, or American Kennel Club, started these shows so that the standards that were set for each breed could be maintained, and passed from generation to generation resulting in "purebred" dogs.
I'm an animal lover, and can totally understand that for each breed to remain true (and continue to look like the breed as it was intended from inception) you have to really try and only breed for those traits and standards.
Weird how watching a dog show brought me thoughts of adoption.
How so? You might ask.
You start by getting your dog prepared. Bathing them, conditioning their coat. Clipping their nails, and trimming their fur to the correct standard of the breed. In my case, a poodle puppy cut.
Hours before the show, you arrive, and set up. Primping the hair, coaxing it into position and spraying the heck out of it with so much hairspray the air is filled with the noxious scent!
This is all for the grand moment when you carry your specimen into the ring.
He or she is paraded around in front of a judge and every movement is held accountable. They must have the correct gait, the correct structure, the correct build. They must have the correct head, eyes, and ear set. Their back end must be perfect, and they should be able to 'stack' themselves if asked.
Most of the time, there is competition. The judge has to select from all of the dogs present, and decide which one best exemplifies the breed.
One by one, you are asked to put the dog up on the stand and the judge checks him/her over with a fine tooth comb, looking closely in their mouths at their bite, and their teeth. Feeling their body over for any malformities. For the males, they check to see if both testicles are present.
What exactly am I saying here?
They want perfection.
The kiddos in the foster system must feel like this all the time. They are put up against hundreds, or thousands of other hopefuls. All of us adoptive parents to be look them over (albeit at first only by their picture and profile) and scrutinize them.
We lift our giant magnifying glass and peer in at them, dissecting their lives, tearing into all the imperfections they may have...looking for a perfect child. Reading their issues and 'problems' they have with dismay and dissapproval. The perfect child?
There is none.
I also happened to think of the African American people who were snatched up by slave traders, and brought against their will to America. In much the same way, they were put up on auction blocks, and checked over (no respect for humanity) Judged by those who were looking to purchase them, they were humiliated beyond belief, torn apart from their family members, and sold into a life of slavery...how awful.
In the dog ring, we give out ribbons and points to the winners in the various categories. Everyone claps and congratulates the owners. Pictures are taken and pride of ownership is rewarded.
It seems that for foster kids who need a home so desperately, that they have to try and look as perfect as possible...so that they can fit into the June Cleaver lifestyle of the person wishing to adopt them...instead of just being themselves. Trying to be perfect.
I want to remind myself and others, that NONE of these kids raised their hands before they were born, and begged to be born into that particular family. NONE of them ASKED to be abused. NONE of them asked to be fed drugs and alchohol while they were in the womb. NONE of them asked to be a foster kid, passed from foster home to foster home.
All they ask is to be accepted, and taken care of...for their needs to be met. For someone to love them.
no one is perfect.
AKC, or American Kennel Club, started these shows so that the standards that were set for each breed could be maintained, and passed from generation to generation resulting in "purebred" dogs.
I'm an animal lover, and can totally understand that for each breed to remain true (and continue to look like the breed as it was intended from inception) you have to really try and only breed for those traits and standards.
Weird how watching a dog show brought me thoughts of adoption.
How so? You might ask.
You start by getting your dog prepared. Bathing them, conditioning their coat. Clipping their nails, and trimming their fur to the correct standard of the breed. In my case, a poodle puppy cut.
Hours before the show, you arrive, and set up. Primping the hair, coaxing it into position and spraying the heck out of it with so much hairspray the air is filled with the noxious scent!
This is all for the grand moment when you carry your specimen into the ring.
He or she is paraded around in front of a judge and every movement is held accountable. They must have the correct gait, the correct structure, the correct build. They must have the correct head, eyes, and ear set. Their back end must be perfect, and they should be able to 'stack' themselves if asked.
Most of the time, there is competition. The judge has to select from all of the dogs present, and decide which one best exemplifies the breed.
One by one, you are asked to put the dog up on the stand and the judge checks him/her over with a fine tooth comb, looking closely in their mouths at their bite, and their teeth. Feeling their body over for any malformities. For the males, they check to see if both testicles are present.
What exactly am I saying here?
They want perfection.
The kiddos in the foster system must feel like this all the time. They are put up against hundreds, or thousands of other hopefuls. All of us adoptive parents to be look them over (albeit at first only by their picture and profile) and scrutinize them.
We lift our giant magnifying glass and peer in at them, dissecting their lives, tearing into all the imperfections they may have...looking for a perfect child. Reading their issues and 'problems' they have with dismay and dissapproval. The perfect child?
There is none.
I also happened to think of the African American people who were snatched up by slave traders, and brought against their will to America. In much the same way, they were put up on auction blocks, and checked over (no respect for humanity) Judged by those who were looking to purchase them, they were humiliated beyond belief, torn apart from their family members, and sold into a life of slavery...how awful.
In the dog ring, we give out ribbons and points to the winners in the various categories. Everyone claps and congratulates the owners. Pictures are taken and pride of ownership is rewarded.
It seems that for foster kids who need a home so desperately, that they have to try and look as perfect as possible...so that they can fit into the June Cleaver lifestyle of the person wishing to adopt them...instead of just being themselves. Trying to be perfect.
I want to remind myself and others, that NONE of these kids raised their hands before they were born, and begged to be born into that particular family. NONE of them ASKED to be abused. NONE of them asked to be fed drugs and alchohol while they were in the womb. NONE of them asked to be a foster kid, passed from foster home to foster home.
All they ask is to be accepted, and taken care of...for their needs to be met. For someone to love them.
no one is perfect.
Friday, September 23, 2011
flying
So, this is what it's like to fly!
After a few emails back and forth to clarify things, I can finally ALLOW myself to believe that this is entirely possible...to believe that lovelygirl will be "OUR" lovely girl!!!
I was worried because of the whole "Full Disclosure" file. Because lovelygirl isn't legally free yet, they can't copy her files and send them to us, hence the reason we have to drive up there to read them. Also, I wasn't entirely sure if the file we would be reading on this first trip up contained everything we would need to make our decision.
What if we met her, fell in love with her, and THEN afterwards, got her file, which revealed some hidden surprises that would have made us either think harder, or decide not to move forward??? What if ???
Worries for naught!!!
Her team member, "K", a really cool lady...assured us that the files we would read would definitely contain ALL of her information, although alot of it would be redundant, and boring. She also said MOST, if not ALL of her pertainent information was already sent to us...
Okay then. NOTHING in the files we read through up until this point had anything at all that would scare us away!!!
I still have that hidden little fear tho...so until we actually read through her entire files, I won't completely go gaga over the fact that she will be ours!
BUT, it sure feels great to FLY!
My heart is soaring, up up into the clouds! Hope renewed springs forth again!
Flying!!
After a few emails back and forth to clarify things, I can finally ALLOW myself to believe that this is entirely possible...to believe that lovelygirl will be "OUR" lovely girl!!!
I was worried because of the whole "Full Disclosure" file. Because lovelygirl isn't legally free yet, they can't copy her files and send them to us, hence the reason we have to drive up there to read them. Also, I wasn't entirely sure if the file we would be reading on this first trip up contained everything we would need to make our decision.
What if we met her, fell in love with her, and THEN afterwards, got her file, which revealed some hidden surprises that would have made us either think harder, or decide not to move forward??? What if ???
Worries for naught!!!
Her team member, "K", a really cool lady...assured us that the files we would read would definitely contain ALL of her information, although alot of it would be redundant, and boring. She also said MOST, if not ALL of her pertainent information was already sent to us...
Okay then. NOTHING in the files we read through up until this point had anything at all that would scare us away!!!
I still have that hidden little fear tho...so until we actually read through her entire files, I won't completely go gaga over the fact that she will be ours!
BUT, it sure feels great to FLY!
My heart is soaring, up up into the clouds! Hope renewed springs forth again!
Flying!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
glimpses
Lovelygirl's recruiter sent a little tidbit to us.
A report/letter on how lovelygirl is doing in her latest placement (she just had to be placed again 3 weeks ago) It's so surreal to think that this might end up being our little girl, and that this little glimpse into her life is something we can all someday look back on and smile.
I say 'someday', because right now there is a terrified little lost girl over there. She is pushing boundaries and testing her new foster mom. Very typical behavior. We can look at this behavior and know that it may look like that when she is here. Likely to in fact. It's great to have an idea of what it will look like to prepare for it, to be ready with patience.
I say 'and smile' because I truly believe she will settle into a life of permancy very well. She craves it, needs it. The security that a forever home offers is intangible now, but once realized she will begin to feel like she belongs somewhere.
Hindsight to old behaviors are like markers, milestones...signposts that lead us to the present, and who we are today. All of us had them in some way or another.
All in all, it warms my heart.
Lovelygirl is a real, live, warm blooded, sweet, little soul, who happened to have bad things happen to her. She didn't raise her hand and beg to be picked for all that to happen to. To her, it was her reality...sad as it was.
So, catching a glimpse into her real life situation warms my heart. I am not expecting some perfect little angel. I am expecting a child who needs me.
so, thank you...for the glimpse.
I can just see her little face.
A report/letter on how lovelygirl is doing in her latest placement (she just had to be placed again 3 weeks ago) It's so surreal to think that this might end up being our little girl, and that this little glimpse into her life is something we can all someday look back on and smile.
I say 'someday', because right now there is a terrified little lost girl over there. She is pushing boundaries and testing her new foster mom. Very typical behavior. We can look at this behavior and know that it may look like that when she is here. Likely to in fact. It's great to have an idea of what it will look like to prepare for it, to be ready with patience.
I say 'and smile' because I truly believe she will settle into a life of permancy very well. She craves it, needs it. The security that a forever home offers is intangible now, but once realized she will begin to feel like she belongs somewhere.
Hindsight to old behaviors are like markers, milestones...signposts that lead us to the present, and who we are today. All of us had them in some way or another.
All in all, it warms my heart.
Lovelygirl is a real, live, warm blooded, sweet, little soul, who happened to have bad things happen to her. She didn't raise her hand and beg to be picked for all that to happen to. To her, it was her reality...sad as it was.
So, catching a glimpse into her real life situation warms my heart. I am not expecting some perfect little angel. I am expecting a child who needs me.
so, thank you...for the glimpse.
I can just see her little face.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
movingforward
They are interested in us! They want us to come up to Tacoma, and read through lovelygirl's file.
Then, if we still are interested, we may even get to go meet her...meet lovelygirl in person!
lovelygirl.
Moving forward. Inch by painful inch. Trying to stay grounded, keep my feet on solid ground...no head in the clouds, no glossing over. I want this to work. I have to be completely and utterly honest...so that it can.
So far, there isn't anything that surprises me, or makes me scared off. You can't be a kiddo in the foster system and not have any issues...it's par for the course...they are in there for a reason. People who have lofty expectations get those crushed by reality. This I know.
No expectations. Simplicity at it's finest. Truth and honesty revealed.
moving forward.
Then, if we still are interested, we may even get to go meet her...meet lovelygirl in person!
lovelygirl.
Moving forward. Inch by painful inch. Trying to stay grounded, keep my feet on solid ground...no head in the clouds, no glossing over. I want this to work. I have to be completely and utterly honest...so that it can.
So far, there isn't anything that surprises me, or makes me scared off. You can't be a kiddo in the foster system and not have any issues...it's par for the course...they are in there for a reason. People who have lofty expectations get those crushed by reality. This I know.
No expectations. Simplicity at it's finest. Truth and honesty revealed.
moving forward.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
theanswer
Lovelygirl. Lovelygirl. Lovelygirl.
Will the stars align perfectly? Will fate nod in our favor? Will God Himself give this gift to me?
It is in His hands now.
The answer. Yes or no.
Lovelygirl's team, who cares more about her than anyone else has in her young life...they will convene. They will decide.
The conference call went very well. I felt a kinship with these ladies, this team...all rooting for lovelygirl. All hoping for that chance for her to find a good life. They care about her immensely, it was obvious.
I am shaking right now. I had to just answer honestly, be myselft, because in the end that is what will make an adoption work out. To find the best fit. I am not going to try and be a hero. I am just me. Humble. I will make mistakes, this I know. Learn from them.
Lessons learned. Past mistakes cause growth. I can see where I have changed, even in a year. My views have changed. For the better.
So, the timing wasn't right. To have our two paths connect, and join. A year ago, it wasn't right. Now it is.
Now, the timing seems right. It feels good. It feels right.
I want the best for Lovelygirl. I accept that which is best for her.
I keep envisioning her standing there, in a white dress, long hair blowing in the wind, her eyes upon me, and her little hand stretched out, palm up...waiting for someone to be there for her, unconditionally.
Oh God, let her waiting be over soon. Let her find her forever family. If it isn't us, then please God, help her. She deserves this so much. Help her shattered little heart.
Lovelygirl. Lovely girl. Lovelygirl.
Waiting. For the answer.
Will the stars align perfectly? Will fate nod in our favor? Will God Himself give this gift to me?
It is in His hands now.
The answer. Yes or no.
Lovelygirl's team, who cares more about her than anyone else has in her young life...they will convene. They will decide.
The conference call went very well. I felt a kinship with these ladies, this team...all rooting for lovelygirl. All hoping for that chance for her to find a good life. They care about her immensely, it was obvious.
I am shaking right now. I had to just answer honestly, be myselft, because in the end that is what will make an adoption work out. To find the best fit. I am not going to try and be a hero. I am just me. Humble. I will make mistakes, this I know. Learn from them.
Lessons learned. Past mistakes cause growth. I can see where I have changed, even in a year. My views have changed. For the better.
So, the timing wasn't right. To have our two paths connect, and join. A year ago, it wasn't right. Now it is.
Now, the timing seems right. It feels good. It feels right.
I want the best for Lovelygirl. I accept that which is best for her.
I keep envisioning her standing there, in a white dress, long hair blowing in the wind, her eyes upon me, and her little hand stretched out, palm up...waiting for someone to be there for her, unconditionally.
Oh God, let her waiting be over soon. Let her find her forever family. If it isn't us, then please God, help her. She deserves this so much. Help her shattered little heart.
Lovelygirl. Lovely girl. Lovelygirl.
Waiting. For the answer.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
nervous
I'm nervous.
What if I come across wrong? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't like me?
I am human. I don't always say the right thing. I don't always explain things in the way I have it in my head.
Tomorrow we have a conference call with Lovelygirl's team. From that call, they will decide if they want us to move on towards the next step of pursuing adopting her. Of course, we will also have the opportunity to back out too.
I do pray that we will get a real, complete picture of her, and that any issues she may have would be disclosed, so there will be no surprises. I have to trust that God knows exactly WHO will become our daughter, or daughters.
That being said, I also know that we have some input too. I have to trust that He will put the right words in my mouth, and that all will be recieved well.
I don't want to make any mistakes, or forget to ask a question that could be extremely important.
I'm nervous.
What if I come across wrong? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't like me?
I am human. I don't always say the right thing. I don't always explain things in the way I have it in my head.
Tomorrow we have a conference call with Lovelygirl's team. From that call, they will decide if they want us to move on towards the next step of pursuing adopting her. Of course, we will also have the opportunity to back out too.
I do pray that we will get a real, complete picture of her, and that any issues she may have would be disclosed, so there will be no surprises. I have to trust that God knows exactly WHO will become our daughter, or daughters.
That being said, I also know that we have some input too. I have to trust that He will put the right words in my mouth, and that all will be recieved well.
I don't want to make any mistakes, or forget to ask a question that could be extremely important.
I'm nervous.
Friday, September 9, 2011
thoserubyslippers
O.M.G.
It worked!
Yup, it worked. Clicking my heels three times and chanting, "There is a child for us."
Well, at least it got us to the next level. We got a call back on Lovelygirl...the caseworker wants to talk to us next week in a conference call! It's the closest we have been in over a year to getting invited to go to committee.
Now to go through the documents they sent with a fine tooth comb, and come up with as many questions as we can.
After all this time, maybe the waiting will be over. Maybe we will get invited to go to committee. Maybe we will be chosen.
I am sitting here anxiously raising my hand up in the air, waving it frantically..."Pick me! Pick US!"
Going from the depths of despair early this morning, to soaring in the clouds the next.
...those darned lovely sweet shiny beautiful red red ruby slippers
It worked!
Yup, it worked. Clicking my heels three times and chanting, "There is a child for us."
Well, at least it got us to the next level. We got a call back on Lovelygirl...the caseworker wants to talk to us next week in a conference call! It's the closest we have been in over a year to getting invited to go to committee.
Now to go through the documents they sent with a fine tooth comb, and come up with as many questions as we can.
After all this time, maybe the waiting will be over. Maybe we will get invited to go to committee. Maybe we will be chosen.
I am sitting here anxiously raising my hand up in the air, waving it frantically..."Pick me! Pick US!"
Going from the depths of despair early this morning, to soaring in the clouds the next.
...those darned lovely sweet shiny beautiful red red ruby slippers
Thursday, September 8, 2011
murkydepths
It's hard to see the light sometimes.
Those times when you feel like you are being pushed down by the waves, smashing you into the murky depths. Those bottomless pits we find ourselves in from time to time.
You strain to see the sun through all the debris; clawing and kicking, fighting to surface once again.
There are those days when you feel that your feet are chained to a gigantic cement block, forcing you to stay under.
Ah. I am feeling that now.
I keep saying to myself: "Come on Cinnilou, no one ever said this road would be an easy one." It isn't a yellow brick road with beautiful fields with munchkinland lollipop kids standing ready to join your hand and family.
Adoption is a treacherous road. Potholes lurk big enough to drive a semi truck into. Something is always around the bend, like a wicked witch or the flying monkeys, ready to dive down and steal you of your confidence. It's a winding road, with very steep hills to climb. They take your breath away.
Rather than having a friend or two, such as the tin man, or scarecrow, to keep you company and help you get out of any pickles you may get yourself into, you go it alone most of the time.
The searches are for you to do alone...find the kiddos to submit on. (how can you even tell which ones are best suited for you) So, you request to have it submitted. Then wait, and wait...AND wait. Sometimes never hearing anything. Hoping your HS made it into the right hands. You aren't able to connect with their caseworker, you rely on others to advocate for you, and hope that they do.
Oh the frustrations! Oh the downward spirals.
Hence the blog.
Designed to let others (YOU) know they aren't alone in their search for a child, or children. Lookie, lookie...I am right here with you!
I am just like the rest of you. I have my own days of struggling. I have my own insecurites and worries.
Rather than get something from the old Wizard of Oz, I would prefer to leave all those troubling thoughts with him and run. Are there some magic shoes I can put on? Click my heels and say, "There is a child for us" three times? Will that do the trick?
Instead, today, I am in the murky depths. Depression has a grip on my feet, holding me down under. How to get free and rise to the top?
Who knows...maybe I will try it.
"There is a child for us." "There is a child for us." "THERE IS A CHILD FOR US!!!"
and rise from the murky depths.
Those times when you feel like you are being pushed down by the waves, smashing you into the murky depths. Those bottomless pits we find ourselves in from time to time.
You strain to see the sun through all the debris; clawing and kicking, fighting to surface once again.
There are those days when you feel that your feet are chained to a gigantic cement block, forcing you to stay under.
Ah. I am feeling that now.
I keep saying to myself: "Come on Cinnilou, no one ever said this road would be an easy one." It isn't a yellow brick road with beautiful fields with munchkinland lollipop kids standing ready to join your hand and family.
Adoption is a treacherous road. Potholes lurk big enough to drive a semi truck into. Something is always around the bend, like a wicked witch or the flying monkeys, ready to dive down and steal you of your confidence. It's a winding road, with very steep hills to climb. They take your breath away.
Rather than having a friend or two, such as the tin man, or scarecrow, to keep you company and help you get out of any pickles you may get yourself into, you go it alone most of the time.
The searches are for you to do alone...find the kiddos to submit on. (how can you even tell which ones are best suited for you) So, you request to have it submitted. Then wait, and wait...AND wait. Sometimes never hearing anything. Hoping your HS made it into the right hands. You aren't able to connect with their caseworker, you rely on others to advocate for you, and hope that they do.
Oh the frustrations! Oh the downward spirals.
Hence the blog.
Designed to let others (YOU) know they aren't alone in their search for a child, or children. Lookie, lookie...I am right here with you!
I am just like the rest of you. I have my own days of struggling. I have my own insecurites and worries.
Rather than get something from the old Wizard of Oz, I would prefer to leave all those troubling thoughts with him and run. Are there some magic shoes I can put on? Click my heels and say, "There is a child for us" three times? Will that do the trick?
Instead, today, I am in the murky depths. Depression has a grip on my feet, holding me down under. How to get free and rise to the top?
Who knows...maybe I will try it.
"There is a child for us." "There is a child for us." "THERE IS A CHILD FOR US!!!"
and rise from the murky depths.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
in the lows
Here I am again.
In the lows.
Another email saying we were not...NOT considered for a girl.
What is wrong with us? Why do all caseworkers say no? I can't figure it out. Is there something that we are doing wrong? Saying wrong? I feel like we aren't even being given a chance.
Are they contacting our worker at all? What is going on?
How can you not take it personal? All I have wanted is to love...LOVE...a child...and we are refused. We don't have anything bad in our past, we aren't bad people! What is up with this????
I just can't figure it out. I am baffled.
and in the lows.
In the lows.
Another email saying we were not...NOT considered for a girl.
What is wrong with us? Why do all caseworkers say no? I can't figure it out. Is there something that we are doing wrong? Saying wrong? I feel like we aren't even being given a chance.
Are they contacting our worker at all? What is going on?
How can you not take it personal? All I have wanted is to love...LOVE...a child...and we are refused. We don't have anything bad in our past, we aren't bad people! What is up with this????
I just can't figure it out. I am baffled.
and in the lows.
lovelygirl
There is a lovely little girl that has been on my mind this last holiday weekend.
I submitted our home study on her last week. At first I was hesitant. She has one issue that I am not sure how to go about dealing with. At least in the beginning. Now, it doesn't seem nearly as large of an issue.
There has to be a key somewhere. The key to unlocking the door, and finding that scared little forgotten child within. All it takes is patience and perserverance.
When I read her profile, I cry. She never had nurturing. Ever. Not really. She may have had a few moments in her young eight years...something to cling to, hold onto. Unfortunately, she had way more times of neglect.
A lady came in our clinic with her two daughters, and one climbed on her mom's lap while we discussed the options for their pet, a new puppy named "Charlie." I always try to maintain a sense of professionalism, but when the girl snuggled up on her mommy's lap, I couldn't help but yearn for the day when I can do that with mine.
I couldn't help myself, and asked how old her girls were. Ten and eight. The youngest, was the one sitting in her lap.
The little girl we submitted on, "L", probably yearned for a lap like that her whole life. Getting shuffled around to relatives, watching her mother get high and wasted, going hungry...neglected, and abused.
"L" needs that. To take her back to that deprived little girl who really does need to sit in a mommy's lap. To have arms hold her securely, to rock her, smooth her hair...cherish her.
Please don't give up, "L." They are searching for a home for you...they are searching for a new mommy and daddy for you. Hang in there, kiddo. Keep that death grip on life...hang on.
I want it to be us.
lovely girl.
I submitted our home study on her last week. At first I was hesitant. She has one issue that I am not sure how to go about dealing with. At least in the beginning. Now, it doesn't seem nearly as large of an issue.
There has to be a key somewhere. The key to unlocking the door, and finding that scared little forgotten child within. All it takes is patience and perserverance.
When I read her profile, I cry. She never had nurturing. Ever. Not really. She may have had a few moments in her young eight years...something to cling to, hold onto. Unfortunately, she had way more times of neglect.
A lady came in our clinic with her two daughters, and one climbed on her mom's lap while we discussed the options for their pet, a new puppy named "Charlie." I always try to maintain a sense of professionalism, but when the girl snuggled up on her mommy's lap, I couldn't help but yearn for the day when I can do that with mine.
I couldn't help myself, and asked how old her girls were. Ten and eight. The youngest, was the one sitting in her lap.
The little girl we submitted on, "L", probably yearned for a lap like that her whole life. Getting shuffled around to relatives, watching her mother get high and wasted, going hungry...neglected, and abused.
"L" needs that. To take her back to that deprived little girl who really does need to sit in a mommy's lap. To have arms hold her securely, to rock her, smooth her hair...cherish her.
Please don't give up, "L." They are searching for a home for you...they are searching for a new mommy and daddy for you. Hang in there, kiddo. Keep that death grip on life...hang on.
I want it to be us.
lovely girl.
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