lovelygirl and me

lovelygirl and me

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

ARGHHHHHH!

There are days when I feel like just giving up.

Today is one of those days.

I am thinking positively negative thoughts:  Am I just plain pushing too hard? Am I really supposed to adopt at all, when it seems like we hit every weird wall there could ever be? Am I forcing this to happen when it shouldn't?

Don't get me wrong. I know at the end of the day, I won't give up. I just FEEL like it today.

My husband and I have been in this adoptive process for almost 2 years. (April it will be 2 yrs) I, myself, have had it in my heart for over 12 yrs. Twelve years is a long time. You would think if it was meant to be, it would have happened already. You would think that I wouldn't have to push so hard to make it happen now.

The ICPC people have finally got a person coming out today to get us foster certified. Something we have to do, but couldn't do until an actual order from WA had been made. After all this time, they are finally coming.
So, why then do I feel like this?

We found out late last night that a document, that we thought had been in place for two whole years, just isn't there. It's lost. MIA. gone. poof. vanished.

A medical report on my husband. Here is the thing: It took ALOT to get my husband to do the doctor visit in the first place. He hates doctors. He is a procrastinator too.

We looked everywhere, but it does appear that we sent the hard copies to our agency without making a copy. (LEARN FROM THIS PEOPLE! Make copies of EVERYTHING!)

I just have no idea how long it will take to get this little overlooked missing document replaced.

Why do these things keep happening to us? We have our girl. She is up in WA...probably sitting in a classroom at this very moment, or out at recess...or .....?

I just feel like laying on the couch and crying my eyes out. My heart feels anxious. My stomach feels sick.

Here is the thing...my husband works nights. So he sleeps days. This morning he got to bed late because we were looking here...everywhere...for a copy. Couldn't find it. He found an envelope that had the medical results but not the AFFEC form we had the Doc fill out. BUT he took it back in the bedroom, and he was pretty grouchy about getting to bed late, and having to get up early for the ICPC DHS worker appointment.
So, it is best for me to just wait. (I am SO sick of WAITING) I can't even remember the place where he went to get his physical, it's on that envelope....and in the bedroom....and I am out here...ARGHHHH!

Seriously. I am having some sort of anxiety attack or something. I just don't even feel like cleaning the house for this worker.

I don't know if anyone out there has ever felt the way I am feeling. Or if it's just me, crazy old me...

Saturday, February 25, 2012

To be or not to be

To be or not to be...that is the question.

In our story, the protaganist is an eight year old foster child.  Bounced from foster home to foster home in her short life, and now on the verge of being rescued from the dark tower of temporary homes, she waits...and waits...and waits.

Her long, curly dark hair blows in the wind as she gazes out the arched window of the tower, searching for the dream that lays just beyond the shadows in her tiny world.

In her realm, two people appear every now and again...they ride in on white horses and ask the Queen (the antagonist in our story) to have her for a day or two...and wisk her away to a fairyland of exciting new places and people. These two people, a man and a woman, tell her fairytale stories...fables in which she becomes their very own princess, in her very own castle.

Eagerly, she soaks up all the attention that is showered upon her, for she well knows that come the morrow, all will be back to it's original place.  She will no longer be the adored princess, but just one of the foster children living in the tower.

The keepers of this tower are kind people, but they are still only temporary guardians, and with 5 other girls in their care, just don't have the time or energy to make each one feel like they are a princess, nor do they desire to keep these girls as their own. 

To be...a temporary child.

Today, a Saturday, lovelygirl seeks the return of the man and woman, and quietly waits to hear the pounding hooves of white steeds that bring the couple to her once again. 

Alas, the wait is in vain.  They do not arrive to break the spell.  Not this weekend.

Promises of more visits, and most of all, promises of a new life, hand like black shrouds over her, threatening to cover her completely. Promises that she wants to believe in, but is finding more and more difficult to do so.

On the breeze, she swears she hears the plaintive call of her little kitten, Rosie, who lives with the couple. She thinks about her little pet all the day long. She is one link that makes it all seem so real.

Dare she continue to believe in this fairytale?

To be or not to be?

Will she be adopted or not?

Will she become the princess she always dreamt of...or not?

Meanwhile, in fairytale land, the couple work hard to make it all happen. To push and get answers, to call and demand for the Queen to take notice, and they dream of lovelygirl every night.

The Queen takes her time. She has so many duties that this particular little girl in the tower is but a number.  She can't do everything at once can she? The couple waits and waits for what seems like an eternity.

Finally, a messenger on a gray horse rides to them, carrying news on a satiny scroll.  The Queen has finally asked for one of her servants, the Foster Certifier, to come forth and check the couple's home and lands and see if it is suitable to inhabit a young princess.

Oh, the joy in the man and woman's hearts. The waiting is getting close to being over. They dance with happiness and ready themselves for the visit of the Foster Certifier.

Up in the tower, a little girl waits. She can't feel the winds of change just yet. In her heart she is still wondering if the visits were even real. She doesn't quite believe that she will be rescued. To be their princess.
How much longer before she lets her soul wither and die in doubt.

To be or not to be.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

defeats

"We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated."


--Maya Angelou

Many obstacles. Many defeats.
 
We have met yet another roadblock.  The new adoption worker assigned to our lovelygirl has been replaced by the worker who previously held that post. What does this mean for her?
 
Another new face. Another new set of ideas. Another delay in the road to adopting her.
 
We had the golden ticket arrive in the mail already.  The golden ticket for the Princess for A Day Event that AFFEC puts on. We were already cleared for the visit that weekend. We already have our time slot for the event and planned on going with dear friends.
 
Lovelygirl wants to go to this event.  She talks about it nonstop. She wants to go with "S" her new BFF.
 
The day the new adoption worker is set to take over the case is March 1st. The very same weekend that the princess event is on. The last time a new adoption worker was assigned we missed the visit that weekend because the new person needed time to meet her and read over the case.  If this new one does the same thing, we might miss this event.
 
Will she be able to understand at eight years old that we, her new parents, could not foresee the upcoming changes? Will she be able to wrap her little mind around the possibility that she won't get to go be a princess for a day? Will this set the tone for her not believing what we tell her?
 
We can only hope and pray that the new adoption worker will allow her to come down that weekend, understanding that this is an important event to her.
 
I am an adult. I can understand. I can say to myself, 'well there is always next year.' But for our relationship that is just forming, this could be a devastating setback. Trust could be shattered. We could come out looking like those parents who always have some excuse as to why their word isn't good enough. I don't want to be that.
 
This is so frustrating. It might even add more time to the already lengthy process we are in. One mistake in the beginning seems to be bringing all the dominoes down in the line. One after another. And our hands are tied.
 
Defeated?
 
Hardly.
 
Frustrated?
 
Ever so much!
 
How many more of these obstacles will we face before we are deemed worthy enough to take her home? To make her ours?
 
How many more defeats?
 
We must not be defeated!

Monday, February 20, 2012

A lifetime to heal.

We can't heal wounds, in one weekend, that took eight years to accumulate. We can't fix hurts, and issues in one weekend.  We just can't do it, try as we might. It will take a lifetime.

We have had our lovelygirl for two separate weekend visits, one week apart. Each time, we are seeing more, new issues/behaviors that have stemmed from the current foster situation.

With 3 other eight year old girls and one six year old girl in the house, there is the obvious more chaotic environment there that she doesn't have here; and then some less obvious things...like her exposed to new behaviors and attitudes.  Behaviors that she has watched the other girls do, then watched to see the outcome and the reactios.  Then she comes here and tries them out on us. Yay.

Though we are very happy to have her out of the abusive situation she was in, it is still hard to have the girl you were matched to, the one you are beginning to forge a new relationship with, the girl who you have decided will be yours forever, IS yours--watch her go back to a home where things are not run how you would run them. And you are helpless. 

You can't really say anything, you can't really do anything...you just keep hoping that things will hurry up and you will finally get her for good.

It isn't that this home is bad. It isn't. We are grateful that they found her a safe place to be.

More delays have added to the time that she will live in this other home, away from us. More of that "apart" time. We can only be satisfied with visits.  Much like custodial visits that divorced parents deal with. Only we have such a short history with her ourselves that we can't be the parents we long to be. We have to wait.

We can only try and be consistant with our rules here, and consistant with our love and compassion, and hope that at some point, roots will form that will form the basis of our parenting style.

Once again, frustration creeps in and pulls me down.

How can we be real parents in one weekend? We can't. Does she remember us during that time apart? Does she become wrapped up in the other world and forget we even exist? Does she think of us, like we think of her?

We can't fix this in one weekend. It will take a lifetime. WE are committed to that. THEY aren't.

A lifetime to heal.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

one step forward 2 steps back

I can see that the month that it took to get approved for another visit with lovelygirl had a negative affect on our relationship.  Not terrible, but we slipped further back...closer to the beginning.

The one in December was 14 days long, and we forged a tiny bond.  We had another visit in January, over a weekend, and that one was great too.

Then we had a whole month go by until this visit. And we only had her for one full day and two half days. Travel time in the car is great for conversations...IF a certain little girl could remain awake.

I have to take what I can get, and do the best that I can in the short time we have together.

But I feel like we took several steps backwards.

I wonder if she really believes that she WILL be moving here.  She gave up asking.  I don't have any answers for that.  I am frustrated.  And I am the Adult.

One step forward, two steps back.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

apart or a part?

As I hastily scanned the previous post, I am once again off on another tangent, a rabbit's trail.  It seems that you can be chasing one rabbit down the trail, and somehow, mysteriously, when you think you are almost to catch up to it, you realize it wasn't even the rabbit you started out chasing, nor is it the same trail you were on.

I enjoyed a chat with lovelygirl last night, and although she seemed happy, (this is good) she also seemed very hyper.  The new adoption worker had explained to me that this house has a very chaotic environment.  She couldn't focus on me for long, and it was evident she wanted to run off and play with the other 4 girls near her age, who were playing nearby and distracting her.

Happy that she is happy, seriously, I am. But, I am also sensing that the space between visits has not been good for the bond we had started to create. (over a month now between visits)

Space.  Space between people.  Space between her current FH and our home. Too far to navigate daily.

Space.  Space between a vowel and a consonent.  Changes the meaning entirely.

A part = belonging as one unit in a whole.  Becoming a part of a family.  One part of the whole we are.  1/8th of our family as a whole. Belonging.

Apart = two units separated by distance or time. Not together. Away from each other.  She is there, we are here.

One tiny click on the keyboard.  A space.

I long for her to be here, to be one of our family...to be one of us. ICPC has been sent to the OR office, where it now sits, delayed once again.

Delays that take the space away and make it one word...apart. Delays that cost her belonging to a family...to be a part.

Ironically, adding a space in the word actually takes away the space that separates us.

Though I would like to be the one to shove that keystroke into the equation and make it over, make her ours, make her a part of us, I can't. 

I have to wait. She has to wait. We have to wait.

To be

A part.

Monday, February 6, 2012

apart

should i be ashamed?

for being real? for being human?

for feeling frustration?

i wish i could be strong all the time.

but i can't.

she is there.

i am here.

fragility in human chains.

the longing is deep.

to have her here for real. not just a visit.

forever.

she giggles on the phone, and we joke together and laugh and sing.

but she is there.

and i am here.

would that i could hug her tight.

would that i could read her a bedtime story.

would that i could tuck her in, and kiss her forehead and smile as her eyes droop sleepily.

but she is there.

and i am here.

apart.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Frustration = ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frustration seems to be the name of the game. 

Seriously, it seems that on this journey of adoption, I seem to feel frustrated more than I feel anything else.

I have lost countless hours of sleep worrying...and yes, I know worrying doesn't solve anything.  And yet, here I am again...wallowing in this frustration. Rolling over and over in it. Completely covered in muck.

At times, it feels like quicksand, although there really isn't anything quick about it. Today, I feel like just my hand is above the surface, frantically grabbing for a lifeline, whilst the rest of me has been devoured by the consuming bog.

We haven't had a visit with lovelygirl in a month. We aren't even one step closer to getting her for good. We are seemingly stuck in all that beaucratic nonsense we call 'protocol'. 

What has happened that has ground our journey to a halt? We don't even know.  Let's review the things I do know...

Lovelygirl was declared legally free on December 7th, 2011.  The ICPC was supposed to get sent on the 15th of December. Didn't happen. Sat on a desk all through the holidays.  Finally, on January 5th, 2012 it got sent to the correct department. Then it sat...and sat...for two more weeks.  No one bothered to let the sender that there were a few things left undone; things that had to be completed before it could be sent to Oregon.  Nope. Just sat there on a desk. Waiting. Finally, someone wondered enough to ask why.  They found out that they needed to add her to the Washington Adoption Resource Exchange list in order for them to even consider sending a Purchase of Service to our agency. So, they quickly did that, and the POS got signed (within an hour of receiving it on our end) and sent back to the WA ICPC. And then nothing. Nada. Zero. Zip. As far as we know, it is sitting on that same person's desk again. It's supposed to get sent to Oregon.

In the middle of this lovelygirl had to be moved to a new foster home due to alleged abuse in the home. (She disclosed this to a mandatory reporter) And there she is, in this new foster home, not one step closer to finishing this process. Stuck.

A new adoption worker had to be assigned to her, so we didn't get a visit this weekend. We have to wait until next weekend.

I wonder at the red tape that causes a child, who can't really think and act like an adult, to be confused and scared; their fragile lives hanging in midair, waiting for someone else, a stranger, to make their lives decisions for them.

She keeps asking, "When do I get to come live with you for real?"

I am sick and tired of having to answer, "I don't know, honey...I just don't know."

Frustration.

Hand tied behind my back, nothing I can do but wait on others to decide things for her. Not liking that feeling...of being helpless to help her, stuck here...

While I do realize that there are just things that happen, and that there may be some good reason for this delay, and that I just need more patience, and that it isn't really nice to blame anyone....but still. I have a right to feel something.

And that feeling is frustration.

ARGH!!!!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

working out

Whew! Did it! 20 minutes on the Eliptical Machine from hell!

On Tuesday it began, 25 minutes of stairs in the park across from my work, with two other co-workers. I promised myself, after actually keeping up with them, (they have worked out before) that I wouldn't stop.  I would work at this to get myself into shape.

Hard to believe that I used to be in super good shape, working out at a gym 5 days a week, and training to compete.  That was only 8 yrs ago. Wow. How did I allow myself to fall into this horrible frumpiness?

First let me make it perfectly clear, I do NOT cave into the pressure of the all-too-often-failed New Year's Resolution. Nope. Not me. Don't like to sign up for something that will be a sure-fire failure.

No, this isn't for me. It's for lovelygirl.

She told me she doesn't want me to lose any weight, that she likes my "chubs" (lovehandles lol) and doesn't want me to change.

I appreciate that, but really, for me now...it isn't about the weight...it's about being healthy...and being able to keep up with an 8 yr old!

I am over 40 now. UGH. Which means I have to work even harder (I thought they said that 40 is the new 20?!) to get that way. My metabolism has slowed to a crawl.

So, I climbed on that mean old machine...and picked the first workout. It's basically one big long hill...of course as you get closer to the top, the resistance kicks up until you are at level 6 going over the hump. I thought that when I reached 10 minutes, that the resistance would change, but it didn't...it went to 3, for maybe one minute then climbed back up to 5!

It's important to me that I can be healthy enough to enjoy times with lovelygirl.  Although medically, I seem fine...even  my blood pressure surprisingly is fairly low; I know that my cardio is horrible. So, I want to make that better. I want to be there for her as long as I am able...and I want to enjoy bike rides, and hikes without having to stop and take rests.

If I happen to shed some unwanted pounds along the way, then hurray! I am sure she will still like me! lol

It's also important for me to set a good example for her.  Show her that it can be fun to keep your body in shape.  Help her cultivate a love for outdoor excercise.

And so, I begin.

working out.