Four days.
In four days, our lovelygirl will be stamped, (via files) "legally free" and then we can proceed with all the beaucratic happenings.
The pang in my heart lets me know that it hit me again, this unfairness, this sadness, this loss.
In order for us to have our desires; lovelygirl, our lovelygirl herself has to endure the greatest loss of all. Her birth mother and family.
I don't feel guilty per say, because her loss wasn't my doing. It was her birthmother who neglected her since birth, her 'legal' father who let a step"mother" beat her, and her family who didn't step forward to take her in.
I don't feel anger towards them. Their lifestyles they chose dictated what path lovelygirl would take, and in their weakness to put her needs first, they lost a most precious gift: darling lovelygirl.
The angst I feel is empathy. I feel for lovelygirl and the sorrows she will face, the devastating loss she will feel, and the uncertain future she stands facing.
How can I help her? How can I touch her life in a way that a new hope will spring anew?
My prayers are first and foremost for her. I pray God's unfailing love and peace over her. I pray for healing in her heart, mind and soul. I pray for hope to come alive in her. I pray for strength for her to deal with the scary changes ahead.
4 more days. 4 days and then a new life for her begins.
May it be everything that her first 8 yrs were not. May it begin with love.
lovelygirl and me
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Christmas Miracles
In the daylight, miracles seem a little less obtainable.
But, under the night sky and the magical shadows, they seem to be within reach of my outstretched hand.
I go through many emotions during a 24 hour period during this amazing journey, the journey to adoption. I struggle with the unknown; let's face it...when you can't control something, it becomes a looming danger zone of uncertainties.
I don't consider myself a control freak at all. Probably like most of you, I just would rather know the outcome in some situations. This is one of those times.
Having your future depend on others is disconcerting at best. With caseworkers, adoption workers, and even technology all in play, it can become a scary endeavor. You have to depend on them to carry you on through the process and they are, after all, human...with all the human tendencies to put things off, forget things and make mistakes.
So, you have to have a lot of patience.
I think I have said it before, but it really is the "hurry up and wait" scenario. I can answer an email with lightening speed, because I am motivated to "get 'er done" and send it back. Why oh why can't everyone else?
It isn't high on the priority list? Maybe. There are some caseworkers who are the 9 to 5 type, only answering emails or phone messages, and even texts within their "paid" hours. Then there are those, who really do offer you 24 hour assistance.
Of course I do realize that they have lives too, and can't get so wrapped up in our lives, us adoptee wannabes, that they lose sight of their own goals and what not. I don't hold it against them, really I don't!
So, you have to have a lot of patience. (maybe if I tell myself this enough, it will happen?) lol
When I do get answers, my heart soars; and my evenings are spent daydreaming about the fun things I can do with my daughter at Christmas. Go find a tree. Make homemade paper swags. Make homemade cookies. Drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas shows in front of a crackling fire. Go for walks and kick the fall leaves high into the air. Take drives and yell "Christmas lights!" every time you see lights on a house, or in a window.
The last thought before I fall asleep is of her, my lovelygirl.
Then I wake up and the daylight steals the magic of the dark skies twinkling with a billion stars. In daylight things become glaringly obvious.
Doubts creep in.
Because once again, my future is in the hands of others. Others who don't know me, who don't know her. Others who have their own busy lives. Others who might be too busy with holiday activities to really care about a lost little 8 yr old girl who needs a family of her own for Christmas, and a mother who is waiting with open arms.
Still, I cling to the hope and faith that keeps me going. I believe in miracles. Christmas miracles. It can happen. It has for others before, it can for us now.
As I gaze at the gray bleakness, blue sky parts the ominous clouds. Suddenly, the sun beams shine in and dance on the droplets of water clinging to the barren branches of the maple tree in my yard sending shimmering fragments of light over the yard. Spectacular.
And I believe once again.
But, under the night sky and the magical shadows, they seem to be within reach of my outstretched hand.
I go through many emotions during a 24 hour period during this amazing journey, the journey to adoption. I struggle with the unknown; let's face it...when you can't control something, it becomes a looming danger zone of uncertainties.
I don't consider myself a control freak at all. Probably like most of you, I just would rather know the outcome in some situations. This is one of those times.
Having your future depend on others is disconcerting at best. With caseworkers, adoption workers, and even technology all in play, it can become a scary endeavor. You have to depend on them to carry you on through the process and they are, after all, human...with all the human tendencies to put things off, forget things and make mistakes.
So, you have to have a lot of patience.
I think I have said it before, but it really is the "hurry up and wait" scenario. I can answer an email with lightening speed, because I am motivated to "get 'er done" and send it back. Why oh why can't everyone else?
It isn't high on the priority list? Maybe. There are some caseworkers who are the 9 to 5 type, only answering emails or phone messages, and even texts within their "paid" hours. Then there are those, who really do offer you 24 hour assistance.
Of course I do realize that they have lives too, and can't get so wrapped up in our lives, us adoptee wannabes, that they lose sight of their own goals and what not. I don't hold it against them, really I don't!
So, you have to have a lot of patience. (maybe if I tell myself this enough, it will happen?) lol
When I do get answers, my heart soars; and my evenings are spent daydreaming about the fun things I can do with my daughter at Christmas. Go find a tree. Make homemade paper swags. Make homemade cookies. Drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas shows in front of a crackling fire. Go for walks and kick the fall leaves high into the air. Take drives and yell "Christmas lights!" every time you see lights on a house, or in a window.
The last thought before I fall asleep is of her, my lovelygirl.
Then I wake up and the daylight steals the magic of the dark skies twinkling with a billion stars. In daylight things become glaringly obvious.
Doubts creep in.
Because once again, my future is in the hands of others. Others who don't know me, who don't know her. Others who have their own busy lives. Others who might be too busy with holiday activities to really care about a lost little 8 yr old girl who needs a family of her own for Christmas, and a mother who is waiting with open arms.
Still, I cling to the hope and faith that keeps me going. I believe in miracles. Christmas miracles. It can happen. It has for others before, it can for us now.
As I gaze at the gray bleakness, blue sky parts the ominous clouds. Suddenly, the sun beams shine in and dance on the droplets of water clinging to the barren branches of the maple tree in my yard sending shimmering fragments of light over the yard. Spectacular.
And I believe once again.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
resolve
going through the motions of another holiday without lovelygirl just tightened my resolve.
will caseworkers think i am too pushy? maybe
will adoption worker think i am too annoying? maybe
i do try and push onward with some amount of tactfullness and above all a kind heart.
there seems to be more unanswered questions than answered ones at this point.
i can't give up. not now.
will it really take six to nine months for the icpc to go through?
will they get her declared legally free before christmas?
will she be able to come for a visit once she is legally free?
it is so incredibly hard to be patient.
maybe the stubborn side of me that my parents had a hard time dealing with will help pull me through.
resolve.
will caseworkers think i am too pushy? maybe
will adoption worker think i am too annoying? maybe
i do try and push onward with some amount of tactfullness and above all a kind heart.
there seems to be more unanswered questions than answered ones at this point.
i can't give up. not now.
will it really take six to nine months for the icpc to go through?
will they get her declared legally free before christmas?
will she be able to come for a visit once she is legally free?
it is so incredibly hard to be patient.
maybe the stubborn side of me that my parents had a hard time dealing with will help pull me through.
resolve.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
computerilliterate
yup.
that is me.
computer illiterate. ie computer dummy.
In general, I try to be brave and check out new things, and the other day, a shiny button that I hadn't noticed before caught my eye...
"Try the updated Blogger interface" (WOW!! COOL!!) c.l.i.c.k.
lol
I pushed it.
my blog completely dissappeared! An error script popped up. I tried everything my feeble mind could think of, but nothing worked. nada. fini. gone.
After a day went by, I decided to reach out and call someone...I emailed my friend, "H" who really must be an angel, and pleaded my case.
She went on and actually fixed it. (within minutes) WHEW!!! What would I do without my blog?
THANK YOU, "H"!!!! lol
Seriously though, everything in life has a lesson to learn behind it, right? The lesson I will take from this is this:
It's okay to try new ways of doing things, but in the end, don't get in over your head, and if you do...don't hesitate to ask for help!
In the days ahead, I will be trying new things with lovelygirl...new ways of teaching her the right way to do things, new ways of 'discipline' as in "time-ins" instead of the old "time-outs" etc.
In my searching, via internet and reading books by more experienced people than I, I will undoubtedly stumble and fall, and make many mistakes. I need to try not to get in over my head, but if I do, to not be afraid to ask for help...call my support network.
Admit my mistakes or faults and learn from them. Know my limitations.
*smile*
It feels good to be here again.
that is me.
computer illiterate. ie computer dummy.
In general, I try to be brave and check out new things, and the other day, a shiny button that I hadn't noticed before caught my eye...
"Try the updated Blogger interface" (WOW!! COOL!!) c.l.i.c.k.
lol
I pushed it.
my blog completely dissappeared! An error script popped up. I tried everything my feeble mind could think of, but nothing worked. nada. fini. gone.
After a day went by, I decided to reach out and call someone...I emailed my friend, "H" who really must be an angel, and pleaded my case.
She went on and actually fixed it. (within minutes) WHEW!!! What would I do without my blog?
THANK YOU, "H"!!!! lol
Seriously though, everything in life has a lesson to learn behind it, right? The lesson I will take from this is this:
It's okay to try new ways of doing things, but in the end, don't get in over your head, and if you do...don't hesitate to ask for help!
In the days ahead, I will be trying new things with lovelygirl...new ways of teaching her the right way to do things, new ways of 'discipline' as in "time-ins" instead of the old "time-outs" etc.
In my searching, via internet and reading books by more experienced people than I, I will undoubtedly stumble and fall, and make many mistakes. I need to try not to get in over my head, but if I do, to not be afraid to ask for help...call my support network.
Admit my mistakes or faults and learn from them. Know my limitations.
*smile*
It feels good to be here again.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
dis.joint.ed
disjointed.
feeling a bit lost tonight. a month ago, i thought we would have lovelygirl for the thanksgiving break, but we won't. another holiday without her, our daughter. as you can tell, i am not too interested in punctuation or spelling tonight. no, tonight i just feel lost.
i talked to our match assistant worker, a very nice lady by the way, and told her via email that i had seen that lovelygirl was still on the site.
she got it taken care of right away. the next day in fact. thank you "d"!
a huge sigh of relief that no more families out there in cyberspace will see our lovelygirl's smile, and her eyes, and rush to send in their home studies on her.
fm said again to me that she thinks the icpc will take at least 6 months, usually 9 months. will it?
there is still no hearing date to declare her legally free. if she isn't free, she won't be able to come down for a visit over christmas break. she has a lot of stuff going on right now, mainly medical.
lovelygirl is doing better. she has to take laxatives all day long. can this be good for her little body? will it keep nutrients from being able to be absorbed? she needs nutrients, how long will the regiment last? it can't be good for a body to be having bowel movements all day long, can it? i mean, a normal kid isn't expected to have a bm every hour on the hour, why should she?
i worry about her alot. want to be there for her, to help her through this difficult time. to encourage her, give her positive feedback. all those things a mother should do for her daughter. i feel some jealousy that fm is there for her and i am not. not a bad jealousy, but the painful longing kind.
do any of these ramblings make any sense at all?
disjointed.
feeling a bit lost tonight. a month ago, i thought we would have lovelygirl for the thanksgiving break, but we won't. another holiday without her, our daughter. as you can tell, i am not too interested in punctuation or spelling tonight. no, tonight i just feel lost.
i talked to our match assistant worker, a very nice lady by the way, and told her via email that i had seen that lovelygirl was still on the site.
she got it taken care of right away. the next day in fact. thank you "d"!
a huge sigh of relief that no more families out there in cyberspace will see our lovelygirl's smile, and her eyes, and rush to send in their home studies on her.
fm said again to me that she thinks the icpc will take at least 6 months, usually 9 months. will it?
there is still no hearing date to declare her legally free. if she isn't free, she won't be able to come down for a visit over christmas break. she has a lot of stuff going on right now, mainly medical.
lovelygirl is doing better. she has to take laxatives all day long. can this be good for her little body? will it keep nutrients from being able to be absorbed? she needs nutrients, how long will the regiment last? it can't be good for a body to be having bowel movements all day long, can it? i mean, a normal kid isn't expected to have a bm every hour on the hour, why should she?
i worry about her alot. want to be there for her, to help her through this difficult time. to encourage her, give her positive feedback. all those things a mother should do for her daughter. i feel some jealousy that fm is there for her and i am not. not a bad jealousy, but the painful longing kind.
do any of these ramblings make any sense at all?
disjointed.
Monday, November 21, 2011
slippery slopes
weird how one thing can take you from that path of confidence and send you careening down the slippery slopes of worry-itis.
yup, that's my life. especially now. the adoption rollercoaster ride.
since we heard that we are the family selected for lovelygirl, we have not even looked at other children. I even got several emails that caseworkers were interested in us...but I didn't stray from my vision of lovelygirl as our daughter.
so, why today did I get the desire to make sure that our lovelygirl's profile was removed from the site?
no one will ever know why.
i just did it. I looked.
she wasn't removed.
still there, cute as a button, inviting everyone in the world to submit on her.
i was like, whaaa????
then all the doubts and fears come flooding in. try and rationalize it. maybe they just haven't gotten around to removing her. maybe they just didn't know a family was selected.
still, the slopes are slippery and i am not the most sure footed person in the world.
my thoughts crash into those dark valleys...
maybe the caseworkers are still accepting more home studies. maybe they don't really like us that much and are holding out for someone better. maybe we have been thinking that this is going to go through for us and it really isn't. maybe we will lose lovelygirl at the very last minute.
we don't hear much news. so, my mind thinks it is logical to think those thoughts. rational?
after all this time, and all the near misses, will this be yet another miss?
no. no. no. don't think this way. u can't. don't look down into the depths. the caverns. look up.
no slippery slopes.
yup, that's my life. especially now. the adoption rollercoaster ride.
since we heard that we are the family selected for lovelygirl, we have not even looked at other children. I even got several emails that caseworkers were interested in us...but I didn't stray from my vision of lovelygirl as our daughter.
so, why today did I get the desire to make sure that our lovelygirl's profile was removed from the site?
no one will ever know why.
i just did it. I looked.
she wasn't removed.
still there, cute as a button, inviting everyone in the world to submit on her.
i was like, whaaa????
then all the doubts and fears come flooding in. try and rationalize it. maybe they just haven't gotten around to removing her. maybe they just didn't know a family was selected.
still, the slopes are slippery and i am not the most sure footed person in the world.
my thoughts crash into those dark valleys...
maybe the caseworkers are still accepting more home studies. maybe they don't really like us that much and are holding out for someone better. maybe we have been thinking that this is going to go through for us and it really isn't. maybe we will lose lovelygirl at the very last minute.
we don't hear much news. so, my mind thinks it is logical to think those thoughts. rational?
after all this time, and all the near misses, will this be yet another miss?
no. no. no. don't think this way. u can't. don't look down into the depths. the caverns. look up.
no slippery slopes.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
angels we have heard on high
I admit it.
I am one of "those" people.
The people who love the holidays so much that they start Christmas early. *giggle*
Today, I listened to the Transiberian Orchestra (and all similar) Christmas music on Pandora radio. I just love listening to it. No singing, just music. Beautiful.
I dragged out a fake tree and set it up in the living room. Why fake? How could I, you ask. I generally like to have a REAL tree for Christmas, but since I started sooo early, I didn't want to buy two real ones...as the first one would likely be dead and dropping needles well before the yuletides bring Christmas. My boys and their significant others will be coming for Thanksgiving, and I wanted to have some of the holiday decorations up...just a few, to make it feel like it's supposed to feel...magical.
This year, I am full of hope. This year, I am praying that a certain little eight year old girl will at the very least, be able to come for a visit during the holidays.
It would have been nice to have her for real, but very unlikely. Lovelygirl's birthmom signed the relinquishment papers, but as of yet, we have heard nothing on when the hearing will be in which she becomes legally free. The fact that we didn't have to wait until December 7th to have a TPR hearing is a great present in and of itself, but of course I am hoping for more.
I know that holidays are very hard on foster care kiddos, and adopted ones. They carry many "triggers" that can set them off into various behaviors.
Holidays represent family. And to these kiddos, even if their real families were abusive, they are still their family.
I want to be very sensitive to her moods, and let her know that it's ok to be real with me. It's ok to say she misses her family, or if she cries, or wants some alone time. I want to be intuitive, to spot that slight change in behavior that might be indicitive of a trigger being set off.
I want her needs to be foremost in all of our minds and hearts this holiday season. Her life has been a turmoil. Let this Christmas be simple, homespun, and full of warmth and love. No huge parties. Quiet. Peaceful. Silent night. Holy night.
So, even though I did drag out a fake tree for now. I am full of hope that we can go together, our new little family, and get a real tree in a quiet, out of the way tree farm or something...and decorate it together, her and I, while cookies bake in the oven and Christmas music plays softly in the background.
Lord, set your sweet angels around lovelygirl right now, to keep her safe from harm. May You bring peace and hope to lovelygirl's heart right now. Guard and protect her, oh fierce and mighty angels, and wrap your heavenly wings about her. Sleep in heavenly peace. Amen.
Selah
I am one of "those" people.
The people who love the holidays so much that they start Christmas early. *giggle*
Today, I listened to the Transiberian Orchestra (and all similar) Christmas music on Pandora radio. I just love listening to it. No singing, just music. Beautiful.
I dragged out a fake tree and set it up in the living room. Why fake? How could I, you ask. I generally like to have a REAL tree for Christmas, but since I started sooo early, I didn't want to buy two real ones...as the first one would likely be dead and dropping needles well before the yuletides bring Christmas. My boys and their significant others will be coming for Thanksgiving, and I wanted to have some of the holiday decorations up...just a few, to make it feel like it's supposed to feel...magical.
This year, I am full of hope. This year, I am praying that a certain little eight year old girl will at the very least, be able to come for a visit during the holidays.
It would have been nice to have her for real, but very unlikely. Lovelygirl's birthmom signed the relinquishment papers, but as of yet, we have heard nothing on when the hearing will be in which she becomes legally free. The fact that we didn't have to wait until December 7th to have a TPR hearing is a great present in and of itself, but of course I am hoping for more.
I know that holidays are very hard on foster care kiddos, and adopted ones. They carry many "triggers" that can set them off into various behaviors.
Holidays represent family. And to these kiddos, even if their real families were abusive, they are still their family.
I want to be very sensitive to her moods, and let her know that it's ok to be real with me. It's ok to say she misses her family, or if she cries, or wants some alone time. I want to be intuitive, to spot that slight change in behavior that might be indicitive of a trigger being set off.
I want her needs to be foremost in all of our minds and hearts this holiday season. Her life has been a turmoil. Let this Christmas be simple, homespun, and full of warmth and love. No huge parties. Quiet. Peaceful. Silent night. Holy night.
So, even though I did drag out a fake tree for now. I am full of hope that we can go together, our new little family, and get a real tree in a quiet, out of the way tree farm or something...and decorate it together, her and I, while cookies bake in the oven and Christmas music plays softly in the background.
Lord, set your sweet angels around lovelygirl right now, to keep her safe from harm. May You bring peace and hope to lovelygirl's heart right now. Guard and protect her, oh fierce and mighty angels, and wrap your heavenly wings about her. Sleep in heavenly peace. Amen.
Selah
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