lovelygirl and me
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
just paddle
Launching onto that vast and flowing river allows your soul a choice; the choice to leave all baggage and hurts behind on the shores.
The river accepts you just as you are. It doesn’t judge you. It has no feelings towards you at all. In a world of discrimination and unfair favoritism, the river remains neutral. The river accepts you; just as you are.
The cool waters part as you glide in, and allow access. Open. Inviting. Ready to teach its life lessons.
Panoramic views await your hungry eyes. The tip of your kayak juts out in front of you; and points the way. Herons, ducks and bald eagles delight. Fall leaves are sprinkled liberally now in the varying hues of green.
Trickling streams race eagerly to join the river, adding to the vastness. Occasional flapping wings startle and delight. Wildlife abounds.
The river is neutral. And yet, it teaches.
On my river, danger lurks beneath calm surfaces. Hidden to the novice eye, the current snakes its way through the center, only showing occasional glimpses of its raw power in the small swirls and eddys that show atop the water.
The river can take you in a completely different place than you intended. If you aren't careful, you can end up in the rapids or even whitewater, and one wrong turn can cost you your life, or at least life as you had intended it to be.
As I guide my kayak along my river, I attempt to release my pain and let it flow into the waters. I am alone in my journey through life, and it pains me. No one is there to guide me, and help me navigate. I must attempt my river alone.
The fact that my river accepts me brings some measure of comfort, yet the loneliness engulfs me; black sheep as I am.
My river cares not.
Just paddle. Breathe. One stroke, and then the next; just make it around that far bend. There should be friendly shores ahead. Just paddle.
Having a map would help. But in life, there are no maps. No guarantees of where you will end your journey, no sure thing.
I simply must learn to read the river. Look for the clues, and adjust my kayak to those clues. Up ahead, there are forks that could keep me from the main channel, and the strongest current. I can keep to the shallows or hug the bank, afraid to venture into the rapids.
The river shrugs, but does not stop for me. Sink or swim, paddle or perish. I must make the effort. She is on her own journey to the ocean. To her own end. She cares not for mine.
My choices dictate where I go.
For now, I simply paddle.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
within the circle
Nearly 2 months have passed since I last posted.
Summer brings many activites...camping, swimming lessons, outings. All these things make life hectic don't they?
Our family has an annual camping trip to the dunes. Once a year, we all get together and camp out in the sand. Not in a nice "cush" camping/RV area, but literally out in the dunes, in the sand, with no toilet or running water.
Several years ago, my husband and I decided this was a good fit for our family "reunion." My three sons love to ride quads. We love to ride quads. Hence...Florence.
This would be our first family camping trip with lovelygirl. I have to admit, I was a bit worried at the prospect of no bathrooms or running water. I didn't know for sure how she would handle being out in the sand.
Lovelygirl is one of those great combinations of a tomboy and a girlie girl. Given the choice at home, she likes to wear dresses or skirts. But she isn't afraid to pick up a worm, or a bug and even wanted to hold a garden snake once!
She absolutely loved it. The whole experience was an awesome family bonding time.
What is one of the things you absolutely have to do when you are camping?
Why, sit around a campfire of course!
The whole family congregates, and tells stories, memories etc around the fire; roasting marshmellows, making smores and just hanging out in general. These are the memories my husband and I sought to keep within our family. My boys have grown, and it's hard to get us all together like that. Since they LOVE going, they make it a priority every year.
The circle.
For the newest member of the family, this means more than just hanging out. To her, this meant she belonged. Her chair was included in the circle. She was allowed to stay up later, enjoy this special family time, even adding her own stories to the group.
She was accepted. She accepted.
Something changed after that trip. A slight move into another direction.
A slight move into another direction holds alot of change over a longer period of time. Anyone who is familiar with GPS units or hand held compasses know that one degree to the left and you can miss your mark entirely.
I can still feel that change. It's in the air. It's in her smile, in her movements.
She is accepting the changes in her life better now. She is more relaxed. She is more genuine.
The circle.
The family circle.
Powerful stuff.
Summer brings many activites...camping, swimming lessons, outings. All these things make life hectic don't they?
Our family has an annual camping trip to the dunes. Once a year, we all get together and camp out in the sand. Not in a nice "cush" camping/RV area, but literally out in the dunes, in the sand, with no toilet or running water.
Several years ago, my husband and I decided this was a good fit for our family "reunion." My three sons love to ride quads. We love to ride quads. Hence...Florence.
This would be our first family camping trip with lovelygirl. I have to admit, I was a bit worried at the prospect of no bathrooms or running water. I didn't know for sure how she would handle being out in the sand.
Lovelygirl is one of those great combinations of a tomboy and a girlie girl. Given the choice at home, she likes to wear dresses or skirts. But she isn't afraid to pick up a worm, or a bug and even wanted to hold a garden snake once!
She absolutely loved it. The whole experience was an awesome family bonding time.
What is one of the things you absolutely have to do when you are camping?
Why, sit around a campfire of course!
The whole family congregates, and tells stories, memories etc around the fire; roasting marshmellows, making smores and just hanging out in general. These are the memories my husband and I sought to keep within our family. My boys have grown, and it's hard to get us all together like that. Since they LOVE going, they make it a priority every year.
The circle.
For the newest member of the family, this means more than just hanging out. To her, this meant she belonged. Her chair was included in the circle. She was allowed to stay up later, enjoy this special family time, even adding her own stories to the group.
She was accepted. She accepted.
Something changed after that trip. A slight move into another direction.
A slight move into another direction holds alot of change over a longer period of time. Anyone who is familiar with GPS units or hand held compasses know that one degree to the left and you can miss your mark entirely.
I can still feel that change. It's in the air. It's in her smile, in her movements.
She is accepting the changes in her life better now. She is more relaxed. She is more genuine.
The circle.
The family circle.
Powerful stuff.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Three Months
Three months.
So, today is exactly 3 months since lovelygirl came to live with us permamently. In some ways, it seems like she just got here. In other ways, it seems a lot longer than three months.
Three months.
Three months of adjusting. Three months of testing. Three months of learning new ways. This is only the tip of the iceberg. We have only scratched the surface of what lovelygirl is inside.
Three months.
School is out now. Summer is here. Lovelygirl has gone camping with us. She has started swim lessons. She has lived the everyday life of our family.
Some parts she likes, and some she doesn't. She thought that adoption was some disneyland-type fairy tale. She thought she would have no rules, and all the presents and food she could ever want.
Sadly for her, this isn't the case. We are a normal family. We have rules. Rules that she has been told to abide by. No lying. No fits. No sassing. No disrespecting people or things.
Tough rules for her to swallow.
Yes, she lies. Yes, she throws fits. Yes, she sasses. Yes, she disrespects others and things.
We were aware of all these traits that would begin to show up after the "honeymoon" period is over. You are taught these things in the adoption classes, aren't you? But hearing it, and reading about it doesn't really prepare you for the things that you didn't expect.
Such as, her eating with her hands like a toddler. Stuffing her mouth with food, smearing it all over her face and hands...and clothes. She is 9. But, in this area of her life, she seems to have gotten stuck. I fear we will need to get a bib, and put her in the high chair. Never did I expect to see a nine year old eat like this. She doesn't want to use utensils. And when asked to, drops food all over the floor like some neandrethal cave dweller.
Well, life needs to be lived with a huge amount of FLEXIBLENESS. Right?! Each day, we see new things that astound us. Each day there are new behaviors to deal with.
Of course, there are also those little things that endear us to her. Those things we call her "SAVING GRACE" (mainly because if she didn't have those little things, we couldn't go on!!!)
We are learning. You have to. In order to stay on this roller coaster ride called ADOPTION. You learn which corners to sway at, which ones to hang on tight, and you learn to try and have fun, even when you are scared to death!
When you have a biological child, you begin loving them before they even enter the world. With these kiddos, it takes time. Some days, I feel that love for her blooming like a fragile little orchid. Other days, I don't really like her at all. All natural feelings. All totally normal. Sigh.
Three months.
A lifetime to go.
So, today is exactly 3 months since lovelygirl came to live with us permamently. In some ways, it seems like she just got here. In other ways, it seems a lot longer than three months.
Three months.
Three months of adjusting. Three months of testing. Three months of learning new ways. This is only the tip of the iceberg. We have only scratched the surface of what lovelygirl is inside.
Three months.
School is out now. Summer is here. Lovelygirl has gone camping with us. She has started swim lessons. She has lived the everyday life of our family.
Some parts she likes, and some she doesn't. She thought that adoption was some disneyland-type fairy tale. She thought she would have no rules, and all the presents and food she could ever want.
Sadly for her, this isn't the case. We are a normal family. We have rules. Rules that she has been told to abide by. No lying. No fits. No sassing. No disrespecting people or things.
Tough rules for her to swallow.
Yes, she lies. Yes, she throws fits. Yes, she sasses. Yes, she disrespects others and things.
We were aware of all these traits that would begin to show up after the "honeymoon" period is over. You are taught these things in the adoption classes, aren't you? But hearing it, and reading about it doesn't really prepare you for the things that you didn't expect.
Such as, her eating with her hands like a toddler. Stuffing her mouth with food, smearing it all over her face and hands...and clothes. She is 9. But, in this area of her life, she seems to have gotten stuck. I fear we will need to get a bib, and put her in the high chair. Never did I expect to see a nine year old eat like this. She doesn't want to use utensils. And when asked to, drops food all over the floor like some neandrethal cave dweller.
Well, life needs to be lived with a huge amount of FLEXIBLENESS. Right?! Each day, we see new things that astound us. Each day there are new behaviors to deal with.
Of course, there are also those little things that endear us to her. Those things we call her "SAVING GRACE" (mainly because if she didn't have those little things, we couldn't go on!!!)
We are learning. You have to. In order to stay on this roller coaster ride called ADOPTION. You learn which corners to sway at, which ones to hang on tight, and you learn to try and have fun, even when you are scared to death!
When you have a biological child, you begin loving them before they even enter the world. With these kiddos, it takes time. Some days, I feel that love for her blooming like a fragile little orchid. Other days, I don't really like her at all. All natural feelings. All totally normal. Sigh.
Three months.
A lifetime to go.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
patience
"It is in the everyday and commonplace that we learn patience, acceptance, and contentment."
Richard J Foster
Yeah. At home, in the store, at church...all places to learn these things. Today is my birthday. Generally, I take the time to reflect on my life, think about changes I can make within myself and find positive things to enrich my life.
Today, I am just thankful to have a little bit of alone time.
Last night we got a call from luv's teacher. She has been acting out at school. In general, being defiant, disobeying, sassing back, being disrespectful and instigating fights. She is calling kids names, picking on them, and being ornery.
Sigh.
So, I tried to talk to her about it and she pitched a fit. We have rules in our house and screaming as loud as she can is one of those that we don't allow.
"Stop screaming now, or your choices will have consequenses."
She was already in bed, so couldn't use that one.
SCREAM!
"Okay, well tomorrow there will be no television or computer time."
SCREAM!!
"Well, now you are going to have to go to bed a half hour earlier since you won't stop..."
SCREAM!!!
"Okay then, now an hour earlier."
SCREAM!!!! NO!!!!!!! I don't WANT to go to bed early!! SCREAM!
"Wow, sorry you are choosing to keep this up...now it is one and a half hours earlier."
scream....(backing off the intensity now!)
"Your choice, hon. Now 2 hours earlier."
but I don't want to...
"You decided to keep screaming when I told you to stop. You made the bad choice, and choices have consquenses don't they?"
So, this was what happened at our house last night.
Lovelygirl has been wetting again. Every day at school. She tried to hide it on Monday, and lied. I didn't confront her. Tuesday she came home and tried to pass it off that she had stayed dry again.
She goes in on Tuesday to therapy.
Ahhhh, patience.
It is such a small word really, but wow it can be so hard to obtain!!!!!!!!!
I am sure my blood pressure was at a boiling point last night. My head pounded.
So first comes patience, eh Richard J Foster? THEN comes acceptance...and FINALLY contentment.
Okay.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Oh and Happy Birthday me.
Richard J Foster
Yeah. At home, in the store, at church...all places to learn these things. Today is my birthday. Generally, I take the time to reflect on my life, think about changes I can make within myself and find positive things to enrich my life.
Today, I am just thankful to have a little bit of alone time.
Last night we got a call from luv's teacher. She has been acting out at school. In general, being defiant, disobeying, sassing back, being disrespectful and instigating fights. She is calling kids names, picking on them, and being ornery.
Sigh.
So, I tried to talk to her about it and she pitched a fit. We have rules in our house and screaming as loud as she can is one of those that we don't allow.
"Stop screaming now, or your choices will have consequenses."
She was already in bed, so couldn't use that one.
SCREAM!
"Okay, well tomorrow there will be no television or computer time."
SCREAM!!
"Well, now you are going to have to go to bed a half hour earlier since you won't stop..."
SCREAM!!!
"Okay then, now an hour earlier."
SCREAM!!!! NO!!!!!!! I don't WANT to go to bed early!! SCREAM!
"Wow, sorry you are choosing to keep this up...now it is one and a half hours earlier."
scream....(backing off the intensity now!)
"Your choice, hon. Now 2 hours earlier."
but I don't want to...
"You decided to keep screaming when I told you to stop. You made the bad choice, and choices have consquenses don't they?"
So, this was what happened at our house last night.
Lovelygirl has been wetting again. Every day at school. She tried to hide it on Monday, and lied. I didn't confront her. Tuesday she came home and tried to pass it off that she had stayed dry again.
She goes in on Tuesday to therapy.
Ahhhh, patience.
It is such a small word really, but wow it can be so hard to obtain!!!!!!!!!
I am sure my blood pressure was at a boiling point last night. My head pounded.
So first comes patience, eh Richard J Foster? THEN comes acceptance...and FINALLY contentment.
Okay.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Oh and Happy Birthday me.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
not on the storm
"Set your thoughts, not on the storm, but on the Love that rules the storm." Mrs Charles E. Cowman
I don't claim to know who this woman is, but her words ring true to me on every level! Set your thoughts not on the storm. We have storms that brew in our lives. Last week, it was in the form of a nine year old girl we are adopting. Real storms can feed on weather, or climate changes, even on the landscape. They can circle and grow before exploding their force on the planet.
Much is the same for our lovelygirl. She has inner storms. Memories. Painful memories. Of neglect. Of abuse. Of rejection. Of sorrow.
They brew, those storms. They swirl inside her, forming a funnel cloud that threatens to erupt. In her case, last week, her inner storms fed on our stressful situations. I had several major projects due. "S" had an really bad chest cold that turned into Bronchitis.
Not sure yet on the triggers that caused the inner storms to erupt and explode outside her body. Still trying to figure her out, this needy girl of ours.
It's important to claim those first three words..."SET YOUR THOUGHTS." This requires action on my part. A determined resolve. Being a doer of the words and not just a sayer. Practice what I preach. Set my mind to this, purpose to complete it.
Set my thoughts on the Love that RULES the storm.
Let love always abide in me. God's perfect love. A love that casts out all fear. A love that puts other's needs ahead of my own. Perfect love. Let God's Perfect Love abide in me and guide me every step of our journey in this adoption of lovelygirl, and our lives together.
Set my heart on that...and not the storm itself.
not on the storm.
I don't claim to know who this woman is, but her words ring true to me on every level! Set your thoughts not on the storm. We have storms that brew in our lives. Last week, it was in the form of a nine year old girl we are adopting. Real storms can feed on weather, or climate changes, even on the landscape. They can circle and grow before exploding their force on the planet.
Much is the same for our lovelygirl. She has inner storms. Memories. Painful memories. Of neglect. Of abuse. Of rejection. Of sorrow.
They brew, those storms. They swirl inside her, forming a funnel cloud that threatens to erupt. In her case, last week, her inner storms fed on our stressful situations. I had several major projects due. "S" had an really bad chest cold that turned into Bronchitis.
Not sure yet on the triggers that caused the inner storms to erupt and explode outside her body. Still trying to figure her out, this needy girl of ours.
It's important to claim those first three words..."SET YOUR THOUGHTS." This requires action on my part. A determined resolve. Being a doer of the words and not just a sayer. Practice what I preach. Set my mind to this, purpose to complete it.
Set my thoughts on the Love that RULES the storm.
Let love always abide in me. God's perfect love. A love that casts out all fear. A love that puts other's needs ahead of my own. Perfect love. Let God's Perfect Love abide in me and guide me every step of our journey in this adoption of lovelygirl, and our lives together.
Set my heart on that...and not the storm itself.
not on the storm.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Monster In The House
There's a monster in the house. Alive and well, it thrives on stressful situations, and devours the tired and sleep depraved...
She's a willful little monster. Watching for the tinest foothold, she pounces and is on you before you even knew she was watching.
Oh yes folks, the honeymoon period is officially O.V.E.R.
The last 4 days have been a nightmare.
Every single thing she can find to argue about, she does. Mind you, I really do TRY and not get sucked into that bait she dangles at every turn. But, I am human, and I have been under some stress lately...and darn it, she KNOWS that and comes on even faster and harder than before.
Everything is a "No!" and stomping around, hurumping, crossing her arms and giving me dirty looks. (Yay, I just love all this! NOT)
I gave my word over six months ago that I would help my sister with her daughter's baby shower. It's my nieces first child, a boy, and they are so excited about it! I won't be getting any grandchildren any time soon, so I have to live vicariously through others...so, I agreed. At the time, we were still in the waiting phase of placement.
IT, the placement, seemed like a really long ways away, and wasn't even quite believable at the time.
Oh foolish one.
Had I known what hell trying to make this shower a wonderful memory for my niece would bring on the homefront, I would have run screaming, "Nooooooooooooooooo!!!" when she asked!
When they say you have to dedicate the first 120 days to your child, maybe times that by each child you bring into the home, they MEAN it!
These children DEMAND that you pay attention to them and only them. It is "sit and watch" her do all things, even if she is watching TV, she wants me sitting in the chair watching her. I thought, oh, well maaaaybe I can try and make some felt baby shoes in the chair.
Oh foolish one.
She got jealous of that.
Trying to make fondant critters for the "Ahoy, it's a boy!" sailboat/ship theme boat, such as crabs, life rings, starfish, and even Nemo. meant that I had a little monster right there beside me. She tried spitting on something I was making. She tried flicking spaghetti sauce on the cake after I finally got the fondant smooth (and looking beautiful I might add). She tried bouncing a ball into it.
All to "get my attention." Well, it worked. She got my attention. I had to get after her, make her sit in a chair nearby, and she threw a tantrum. So, off to bed then, little monster. She kept yelling, "you are MEAN!" from the bedroom. Am I?
The shower is tomorrow. I can't very well call now and say, there will be no cake. Life doesn't just stop because a little monster is jealous. I have given her extra times where she sits near me or on my lap, thinking that would help...
Oh foolish one.
Sigh. I have no idea how tomorrow will go. I have a monster afoot. Loose. On the prowl. ARRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh foolish one.
monster.in.the.house.
She's a willful little monster. Watching for the tinest foothold, she pounces and is on you before you even knew she was watching.
Oh yes folks, the honeymoon period is officially O.V.E.R.
The last 4 days have been a nightmare.
Every single thing she can find to argue about, she does. Mind you, I really do TRY and not get sucked into that bait she dangles at every turn. But, I am human, and I have been under some stress lately...and darn it, she KNOWS that and comes on even faster and harder than before.
Everything is a "No!" and stomping around, hurumping, crossing her arms and giving me dirty looks. (Yay, I just love all this! NOT)
I gave my word over six months ago that I would help my sister with her daughter's baby shower. It's my nieces first child, a boy, and they are so excited about it! I won't be getting any grandchildren any time soon, so I have to live vicariously through others...so, I agreed. At the time, we were still in the waiting phase of placement.
IT, the placement, seemed like a really long ways away, and wasn't even quite believable at the time.
Oh foolish one.
Had I known what hell trying to make this shower a wonderful memory for my niece would bring on the homefront, I would have run screaming, "Nooooooooooooooooo!!!" when she asked!
When they say you have to dedicate the first 120 days to your child, maybe times that by each child you bring into the home, they MEAN it!
These children DEMAND that you pay attention to them and only them. It is "sit and watch" her do all things, even if she is watching TV, she wants me sitting in the chair watching her. I thought, oh, well maaaaybe I can try and make some felt baby shoes in the chair.
Oh foolish one.
She got jealous of that.
Trying to make fondant critters for the "Ahoy, it's a boy!" sailboat/ship theme boat, such as crabs, life rings, starfish, and even Nemo. meant that I had a little monster right there beside me. She tried spitting on something I was making. She tried flicking spaghetti sauce on the cake after I finally got the fondant smooth (and looking beautiful I might add). She tried bouncing a ball into it.
All to "get my attention." Well, it worked. She got my attention. I had to get after her, make her sit in a chair nearby, and she threw a tantrum. So, off to bed then, little monster. She kept yelling, "you are MEAN!" from the bedroom. Am I?
The shower is tomorrow. I can't very well call now and say, there will be no cake. Life doesn't just stop because a little monster is jealous. I have given her extra times where she sits near me or on my lap, thinking that would help...
Oh foolish one.
Sigh. I have no idea how tomorrow will go. I have a monster afoot. Loose. On the prowl. ARRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh foolish one.
monster.in.the.house.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Better than expected
This coming Saturday it will be 4 weeks since luv came to live with us.
Maybe some of you are wondering...how is it going? The answer to that is better than expected. Maybe we are negative people, but we decided to prepare for the worst. That way, we wouldn't be shocked and dissapointed when she showed us her other side.
If you have been to any adoption classes, you will recognize the saying, "honeymoon period."
We aren't quite sure if she is in the honeymoon period still, or if that time is coming.
I'm trying to be positive, to look on the bright side, to see the good before the bad. And it does help. So, if I seem to only rave on about good things and give everyone a false sense of how things are going, I apologize.
We have had our ups and downs. But we started seeing some challenging behaviors prior to her being placed. We think the last foster home had a lot to do with that. Having four other little girls her age who throw tantrums and pitch fits all day every day, has to have a little bit to do with it, don't you think?
On her last couple of visits before moving down her permanently, we saw her attitude change, and she began testing us. Her last visit even had a mini meltdown.
Some say that because our transition took soooooo long, that she moved right over the honeymoon period and right into being her real self.
I see a definite pattern. It seems to build up in her and she seems to need the release of a tantrum or meltdown at least once a week. Compared to some stories, hers are fairly mild, but they do cause a disruption in the household to be sure.
We had to have her held back too. She is basically on target with reading, but math is her biggest challenge. She has areas in math where she dips down into the first grade level. Luckily, we have her enrolled in a charter school, where they take the time to work with kiddos. She is now in the 2nd grade. When she moved we tried her in 3rd grade because we were told to....lol.
I visited the class yesterday to bring cupcakes for luv's birthday and she didn't see that I arrived early. I was allowed to sit in the back of the class and observe.
I like the teacher and she seemed to have a much better fit into this classroom. Since luv is on the smaller side, and younger too, this is the best place for her. They will be taking her aside and working with her on the math, finding the areas she is missing, and catching her back up.
In the meantime, she is making friends and seems to like it there.
Last night we had a fun night of dancing in the dark with her new flashing light toys and singing before bed.
In her good moments we find joy.
And there really are alot more good moments than bad.
better than expected.
Maybe some of you are wondering...how is it going? The answer to that is better than expected. Maybe we are negative people, but we decided to prepare for the worst. That way, we wouldn't be shocked and dissapointed when she showed us her other side.
If you have been to any adoption classes, you will recognize the saying, "honeymoon period."
We aren't quite sure if she is in the honeymoon period still, or if that time is coming.
I'm trying to be positive, to look on the bright side, to see the good before the bad. And it does help. So, if I seem to only rave on about good things and give everyone a false sense of how things are going, I apologize.
We have had our ups and downs. But we started seeing some challenging behaviors prior to her being placed. We think the last foster home had a lot to do with that. Having four other little girls her age who throw tantrums and pitch fits all day every day, has to have a little bit to do with it, don't you think?
On her last couple of visits before moving down her permanently, we saw her attitude change, and she began testing us. Her last visit even had a mini meltdown.
Some say that because our transition took soooooo long, that she moved right over the honeymoon period and right into being her real self.
I see a definite pattern. It seems to build up in her and she seems to need the release of a tantrum or meltdown at least once a week. Compared to some stories, hers are fairly mild, but they do cause a disruption in the household to be sure.
We had to have her held back too. She is basically on target with reading, but math is her biggest challenge. She has areas in math where she dips down into the first grade level. Luckily, we have her enrolled in a charter school, where they take the time to work with kiddos. She is now in the 2nd grade. When she moved we tried her in 3rd grade because we were told to....lol.
I visited the class yesterday to bring cupcakes for luv's birthday and she didn't see that I arrived early. I was allowed to sit in the back of the class and observe.
I like the teacher and she seemed to have a much better fit into this classroom. Since luv is on the smaller side, and younger too, this is the best place for her. They will be taking her aside and working with her on the math, finding the areas she is missing, and catching her back up.
In the meantime, she is making friends and seems to like it there.
Last night we had a fun night of dancing in the dark with her new flashing light toys and singing before bed.
In her good moments we find joy.
And there really are alot more good moments than bad.
better than expected.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
the many facets of luv
We are finding that a child from hard places, ie the foster system, can have many faces.
Our luv is no exception.
She has learned to wear many faces throughout her young life.
Sometimes, she is a tough cookie. She had to be to survive those early years of trauma and neglect. When we took her to school on her first day, she appeared to be nonplussed; no fear. I asked her if she was nervous and she just shrugged.
In the animal world, to show weakness at all is a life or death challenge. If you are walking around limping, you could become easy prey.
It is much the same for our luv.
Somewhere, hidden behind the mask, there is a scared little girl. She feels she needs to show the world her tough side, instead of her vulnerable side. Or the mean people in the world could victimize her.
Sometimes, she has that faraway look on her face, her thoughts are dwelling on her past. A mild form of disassociation. If you talk to her, you can snap her out of it, but in the meantime, she is thinking of things and people who are no longer in her life.
Spacing out. To the world, she is just spacing out. But in her most secret thoughts, she does replays in her mind's eye.
Yesterday, she suddenly told me that when she was younger, and wet her pants, her real mom would spank her..sometimes with a belt and other times with a wire hanger. She hasn't really been with her real mom since she was about 4 or so.
But it is vividly clear in her mind. The memories that can haunt our damaged children.
Another face is the face of fear.
We see clear evidence that she has been abused. If she is acting up, we have learned we cannot make sudden moves, or even raise our hand to rub our forehead without her cringing, and shrinking away. Even if we are 5 feet away!
This breaks my heart of course! We are learning to move slowly when she is in those modes where she is testing us. Slow movements. No raising our hands even to scratch our own noses. No walking near her if she is laying on the floor, she thinks we will kick her. How awful is that!
We take so many things for granted, and now are trying very hard to look through the eyes of an 8 year old girl who suffered neglect, abuse and trauma.
She watches us like hawks. Hyper-vigilent at times. It can be un-nerving at times. Being judged constantly by a small child, let me tell you!
Her first thoughts always run on the negative side. She is just sure that when you are reaching to get your drink, that just happens to be next to the remote, that you are going to grab it and change the channel on her.
She has her softer sides. She can be such a sweet heart.
Last night we made biscuits. I let her do most of it, just supervised. She looked so cute in the old apron my grandma used to wear, standing on the stool so she could stir...ever so carefully...the dough.
She saved enough dough at the end to make 3 heart shaped biscuits, and when we set the table, she placed on on each of our plates. "These are for Mommy and Daddy and Me!" My big helper. :o)
Like a diamond in the rough, it is up to us to see the potential within, and help her see it as well. Teaching her to whittle away at the imperfections, so she can shine from within.
She is a diamond.
With many facets.
Some, we have seen, and others we have yet to see. They all make up the unique person she is. The lovelgirl we are learning to love.
the many facets of love. the many facets of luv.
Our luv is no exception.
She has learned to wear many faces throughout her young life.
Sometimes, she is a tough cookie. She had to be to survive those early years of trauma and neglect. When we took her to school on her first day, she appeared to be nonplussed; no fear. I asked her if she was nervous and she just shrugged.
In the animal world, to show weakness at all is a life or death challenge. If you are walking around limping, you could become easy prey.
It is much the same for our luv.
Somewhere, hidden behind the mask, there is a scared little girl. She feels she needs to show the world her tough side, instead of her vulnerable side. Or the mean people in the world could victimize her.
Sometimes, she has that faraway look on her face, her thoughts are dwelling on her past. A mild form of disassociation. If you talk to her, you can snap her out of it, but in the meantime, she is thinking of things and people who are no longer in her life.
Spacing out. To the world, she is just spacing out. But in her most secret thoughts, she does replays in her mind's eye.
Yesterday, she suddenly told me that when she was younger, and wet her pants, her real mom would spank her..sometimes with a belt and other times with a wire hanger. She hasn't really been with her real mom since she was about 4 or so.
But it is vividly clear in her mind. The memories that can haunt our damaged children.
Another face is the face of fear.
We see clear evidence that she has been abused. If she is acting up, we have learned we cannot make sudden moves, or even raise our hand to rub our forehead without her cringing, and shrinking away. Even if we are 5 feet away!
This breaks my heart of course! We are learning to move slowly when she is in those modes where she is testing us. Slow movements. No raising our hands even to scratch our own noses. No walking near her if she is laying on the floor, she thinks we will kick her. How awful is that!
We take so many things for granted, and now are trying very hard to look through the eyes of an 8 year old girl who suffered neglect, abuse and trauma.
She watches us like hawks. Hyper-vigilent at times. It can be un-nerving at times. Being judged constantly by a small child, let me tell you!
Her first thoughts always run on the negative side. She is just sure that when you are reaching to get your drink, that just happens to be next to the remote, that you are going to grab it and change the channel on her.
She has her softer sides. She can be such a sweet heart.
Last night we made biscuits. I let her do most of it, just supervised. She looked so cute in the old apron my grandma used to wear, standing on the stool so she could stir...ever so carefully...the dough.
She saved enough dough at the end to make 3 heart shaped biscuits, and when we set the table, she placed on on each of our plates. "These are for Mommy and Daddy and Me!" My big helper. :o)
Like a diamond in the rough, it is up to us to see the potential within, and help her see it as well. Teaching her to whittle away at the imperfections, so she can shine from within.
She is a diamond.
With many facets.
Some, we have seen, and others we have yet to see. They all make up the unique person she is. The lovelgirl we are learning to love.
the many facets of love. the many facets of luv.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Getting and Letting Go
So many changes in her young life.
In just one year she was in at least three separate foster homes, three different schools, and went from being a "foster child" to a "adoption placement child."
How will she cope?
Today she is in her new classroom, with a new teacher, and new classmates. Her first day at her new school. One friendly face awaited her. "S", her new BFF. They both share similar backgrounds. They both are A/A. They both were foster kids.
Those shared experiences should help forge the way to a long and deep friendship. I am thankful for "S,"
Lovelygirl is behind in schoolwork. With all the moves she has had to make, it's no wonder.
I set her clock radio/alarm clock for 6:45 am. Hanging on her door is her new schedule. A checklist of things to do in the morning to get ready for school. Get dressed, eat breakfast, let me help her with her hair...etc.
I waited to see what would happen, half expecting to have to go in and get her out of bed. Half expecting trouble.
Nope! The light under her closed door let me know that she was up. I heard rustling sounds, and decided to let her get ready. She came out of her room all dressed. So pretty in her new outfit that Grandma "V" got her. She never argued once about anything this morning, much to my relief! When we headed out the door, I praised her for doing so well this morning.
Carrying in her stuff, I thought back to my boys and all the "first day of schools" we had throughout the years. A melancholy feeling washed over me. Lovelygirl will be our last child to go through school. Our "first school day" adventures with her are the last ones we will go through.
As she unpacked her stuff into her school desk, several kids were around her, including "S." The "new girl" in class. She was smiling. I pray that she will do well in school. That she will make friends and learn to play nice, and not get into trouble. I pray she doesn't alienate "S," they need each other for years to come.
We have had her for ten whole days now, our daughter. Ten days.
We got her. And now we have to start letting go.
It's the way life is.
The difference between this and my biological children is that I knew them well. I had some sense of how they would do in school and in life. I had all their history with them, from the day they were born. I knew they would do well.
With lovelygirl, I don't have that past with her. We face uncertain days, because I don't really "know" her yet. I don't know how she will do each day. She comes from a hazy past, we only know some things about her. I can't just trust that we taught her well, and she will rely on those teachings to go about living life. We just don't know.
And yet, I can't control every move she makes. I have to allow her to breathe. I have to let go, if it is just for the day. Or she won't learn. She won't grow.
So here's to first days.
Letting go.
In just one year she was in at least three separate foster homes, three different schools, and went from being a "foster child" to a "adoption placement child."
How will she cope?
Today she is in her new classroom, with a new teacher, and new classmates. Her first day at her new school. One friendly face awaited her. "S", her new BFF. They both share similar backgrounds. They both are A/A. They both were foster kids.
Those shared experiences should help forge the way to a long and deep friendship. I am thankful for "S,"
Lovelygirl is behind in schoolwork. With all the moves she has had to make, it's no wonder.
I set her clock radio/alarm clock for 6:45 am. Hanging on her door is her new schedule. A checklist of things to do in the morning to get ready for school. Get dressed, eat breakfast, let me help her with her hair...etc.
I waited to see what would happen, half expecting to have to go in and get her out of bed. Half expecting trouble.
Nope! The light under her closed door let me know that she was up. I heard rustling sounds, and decided to let her get ready. She came out of her room all dressed. So pretty in her new outfit that Grandma "V" got her. She never argued once about anything this morning, much to my relief! When we headed out the door, I praised her for doing so well this morning.
Carrying in her stuff, I thought back to my boys and all the "first day of schools" we had throughout the years. A melancholy feeling washed over me. Lovelygirl will be our last child to go through school. Our "first school day" adventures with her are the last ones we will go through.
As she unpacked her stuff into her school desk, several kids were around her, including "S." The "new girl" in class. She was smiling. I pray that she will do well in school. That she will make friends and learn to play nice, and not get into trouble. I pray she doesn't alienate "S," they need each other for years to come.
We have had her for ten whole days now, our daughter. Ten days.
We got her. And now we have to start letting go.
It's the way life is.
The difference between this and my biological children is that I knew them well. I had some sense of how they would do in school and in life. I had all their history with them, from the day they were born. I knew they would do well.
With lovelygirl, I don't have that past with her. We face uncertain days, because I don't really "know" her yet. I don't know how she will do each day. She comes from a hazy past, we only know some things about her. I can't just trust that we taught her well, and she will rely on those teachings to go about living life. We just don't know.
And yet, I can't control every move she makes. I have to allow her to breathe. I have to let go, if it is just for the day. Or she won't learn. She won't grow.
So here's to first days.
Letting go.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Two Green Totes
Two green totes.
Her entire world, past and present, consisted of two green totes.
Their contents tell a story. A story of loss, of betrayal, and of neglect. In those two totes, all her worldly possessions are passed along with her. From place to place, house to house. Some contents have been removed...likely clothes that she outgrew, and toys that were broken...or taken, and kept by foster parents who felt they deserved to have them.
On Saturday, my hubby drove up to Washington to pick up lovelygirl for the last time. They met him out at Burger King. The transfer place. The end of one world and the beginning of another. Only her foster dad came. It was a fast transfer. He took out the two green totes and my hubby put them in our rig. She had a backpack as well, with her school stuff in it.
And that was it.
It took all of 15 minutes. One minute she was a foster child, living in a temporary foster home, and the next minute she was ours. She briefly hugged him, the temporary man who was her temporary foster father. She didn't look back. Buckled securely in her pink booster car seat, she headed for home. Beside her: two green totes.
She is home now. Her two green totes sit in her bedroom. It's up to her to decide how long she wants them to remain there. To her, their presence is more than just plastic bins to hold her stuff. To her, they represent her life. All eight years of it. So, she needs to feel comfortable enough to take her belongings out and put them away in her room.
Yesterday, she made a comment, "It feels like I am still just visiting."
A great many meanings in that small statement. She doesn't feel like it's real yet. She doesn't know if its forever yet. She doesn't know if this place is safe enough to mix her little world with ours. To merge her belongings with her new ones.
I see that some things have made their way out of the boxes. A few dolls, and the cards that her classmates gave her on her going away party. One day, she will decide that this is her world, and she can throw away the totes for good. For her sake, I hope it is soon. But, as long as she needs them; the two green totes will stay put.
We are so happy to have our little girl here finally! To have the house echo with giggles and laughter, and squeals as she plays with her kitty, Rosie, and her toys. We took the doggies to the park yesterday and walked them, and she played on the slides and merry go rounds.
And she yelled, "Look Mommy, look!" as she went round and round. My heart is full. Full enough to get us past the rough times ahead. Past the tantrums, and testing she might have. And full enough to have the patience to wait for a little girl to be ready to unpack...
Her two green totes.
Her entire world, past and present, consisted of two green totes.
Their contents tell a story. A story of loss, of betrayal, and of neglect. In those two totes, all her worldly possessions are passed along with her. From place to place, house to house. Some contents have been removed...likely clothes that she outgrew, and toys that were broken...or taken, and kept by foster parents who felt they deserved to have them.
On Saturday, my hubby drove up to Washington to pick up lovelygirl for the last time. They met him out at Burger King. The transfer place. The end of one world and the beginning of another. Only her foster dad came. It was a fast transfer. He took out the two green totes and my hubby put them in our rig. She had a backpack as well, with her school stuff in it.
And that was it.
It took all of 15 minutes. One minute she was a foster child, living in a temporary foster home, and the next minute she was ours. She briefly hugged him, the temporary man who was her temporary foster father. She didn't look back. Buckled securely in her pink booster car seat, she headed for home. Beside her: two green totes.
She is home now. Her two green totes sit in her bedroom. It's up to her to decide how long she wants them to remain there. To her, their presence is more than just plastic bins to hold her stuff. To her, they represent her life. All eight years of it. So, she needs to feel comfortable enough to take her belongings out and put them away in her room.
Yesterday, she made a comment, "It feels like I am still just visiting."
A great many meanings in that small statement. She doesn't feel like it's real yet. She doesn't know if its forever yet. She doesn't know if this place is safe enough to mix her little world with ours. To merge her belongings with her new ones.
I see that some things have made their way out of the boxes. A few dolls, and the cards that her classmates gave her on her going away party. One day, she will decide that this is her world, and she can throw away the totes for good. For her sake, I hope it is soon. But, as long as she needs them; the two green totes will stay put.
We are so happy to have our little girl here finally! To have the house echo with giggles and laughter, and squeals as she plays with her kitty, Rosie, and her toys. We took the doggies to the park yesterday and walked them, and she played on the slides and merry go rounds.
And she yelled, "Look Mommy, look!" as she went round and round. My heart is full. Full enough to get us past the rough times ahead. Past the tantrums, and testing she might have. And full enough to have the patience to wait for a little girl to be ready to unpack...
Her two green totes.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
HOME RUN!!!!
It has finally happened!
We get our daughter this Saturday. For good.
No more traveling back and forth. No more taking her back to her 'other home'.
She will be ours.
More on this exciting event later.
We get our daughter this Saturday. For good.
No more traveling back and forth. No more taking her back to her 'other home'.
She will be ours.
More on this exciting event later.
Monday, March 26, 2012
suh-waaaang battuh battuh
It's so awesome having someone who you know is in the game for you.
Someone who has a great batting average. Someone who knows the ropes. A great pitcher, and a great catcher. A veteran. The heavy hitter. The Babe Ruth.
The new adoption worker is the newest player in this game. The game we call the Adoption Journey.
Hooraaaaay!
We got the Oregon ICPC out in the field on defense. Outfielders smack calloused hands into dirt-filled mitts, clouds of dust slowly rise around readied shoulders. The pitcher, an experienced veteran, nods to the catcher, lowers his hat and digs his cleats into the mound.
A woman walks up to the plate, hitting her shoes with the wooden bat to knock the clods of mud off. She digs her toe into the depressed area, sets her left foot just behind, and raises the bat.
The look in her eyes is pure determination.
"I know how to nag." She tells me, with a confidence that makes me want to cheer.
That is just what I need right now.
Someone who you won't soon forget. Someone who can get right into their faces. Someone who can get the job done. Someone who doesn't give up.
The pitcher winds up, sneering, as he lets loose a wild and wicked curve ball.
Her eyes and her focus narrow in on the precious item in his hand.
When he lets it loose, she is ready.
Time slows down into miniscule fractions and the ball floats towards her. The crowds hold their breath.
She inhales deeply...
...and swings.
Suh-waang! Cuh-Rack!
Suh-waang battuh battuh!
Home run??
Too soon to tell.
But I like the odds. I feel the pendolum swinging into our favor. I feel the difference.
In this, the last inning of our final game,...we need a hit.
Suh-waaang battuh battuh!
Someone who has a great batting average. Someone who knows the ropes. A great pitcher, and a great catcher. A veteran. The heavy hitter. The Babe Ruth.
The new adoption worker is the newest player in this game. The game we call the Adoption Journey.
Hooraaaaay!
We got the Oregon ICPC out in the field on defense. Outfielders smack calloused hands into dirt-filled mitts, clouds of dust slowly rise around readied shoulders. The pitcher, an experienced veteran, nods to the catcher, lowers his hat and digs his cleats into the mound.
A woman walks up to the plate, hitting her shoes with the wooden bat to knock the clods of mud off. She digs her toe into the depressed area, sets her left foot just behind, and raises the bat.
The look in her eyes is pure determination.
"I know how to nag." She tells me, with a confidence that makes me want to cheer.
That is just what I need right now.
Someone who you won't soon forget. Someone who can get right into their faces. Someone who can get the job done. Someone who doesn't give up.
The pitcher winds up, sneering, as he lets loose a wild and wicked curve ball.
Her eyes and her focus narrow in on the precious item in his hand.
When he lets it loose, she is ready.
Time slows down into miniscule fractions and the ball floats towards her. The crowds hold their breath.
She inhales deeply...
...and swings.
Suh-waang! Cuh-Rack!
Suh-waang battuh battuh!
Home run??
Too soon to tell.
But I like the odds. I feel the pendolum swinging into our favor. I feel the difference.
In this, the last inning of our final game,...we need a hit.
Suh-waaang battuh battuh!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Domino Effect
Have you ever set up one of those long, winding domino deals where they stand on end and are close enough together to hit the next one in line? And you go to the beginning and gently knock the first one over...it crashes into the next one, and that one into the next one...and so on?
Yeah. That's the story of our adoption journey.
Seriously.
All it takes is one thing to create the domino effect. One little thing that starts the whole process.
In our case, it seems that, during every step of the way, something crashes. Starting the domino effect.
Over three weeks ago, the DHS person came out to our home and checked it over. Everything looked great. CHECK.
I gave her a list of TEN references. (She only needed FOUR) and asked everyone on the list to send in their references as quickly as possible. CHECK. CHECK.
They did, of course. (Thank you to all of you who did this for us!)
Then the process, ONCE AGAIN, screeched to a halt.
So, I checked in last week with her. She said, "oops, I was out of the office. I will check into that now."
"Out of the office" seems to be the most common domino effect. Causes an instant stop to the process. Whether it is something legitimate or not, we will never know. I try and believe the best in people, I really do.
The very first 'domino' after our girl was declared legally free was the ICPC request. That got stuck for over 3 weeks too. She was "out of the office" due to a family emergency. And our paperwork sat. It was only discovered after I continously asked. Someone finally checked and "oops" it hadn't got sent.
Then it finally got sent to OR ICPC and sat, once again. After harrassing them some more, (wow, I am getting pretty good at that!) it was discovered that, "oops" the request to get us certified had not been done. Also, she had never been placed in the WARE list, which apparently has to happen first before the ICPC process can even begin.
Another "oops"
We were selected for her last fall. We met her for the first time in October. She was finally declared legally free on December 7th.
It is now March 21st.
The gal who came to our home said it shouldn't take more than a week to get the foster certification done.
"Oops" it took THREE.
Yes, I am frustrated. I am human. I succumb to human emotions.
I am not perfect at all. I whine. I cry. I gripe. I moan.
A person I felt was surely behind me in my endeavors told me, "Hey, maybe this wasn't meant to be if all of these roadblocks keep happening."
really?
In a year, I will have forgotten all of these roadblocks. All of these frustrations will *poof* be gone. Much like a woman forgets the worst parts of a pregnancy and birth. The newborn baby takes all of those memories and makes them dissappear.
Such will be the case with our daughter.
We will forget the hard struggles of our adoption journey once she is here. Then we can begin our own domino effect. The one where the years zoom by and before you know it, she will be an adult. And we will wish we could start the whole process over as she stands on the threshold of life, ready to strike out on her own.
Then we will long for a way to reverse the domino effect.
Yeah. That's the story of our adoption journey.
Seriously.
All it takes is one thing to create the domino effect. One little thing that starts the whole process.
In our case, it seems that, during every step of the way, something crashes. Starting the domino effect.
Over three weeks ago, the DHS person came out to our home and checked it over. Everything looked great. CHECK.
I gave her a list of TEN references. (She only needed FOUR) and asked everyone on the list to send in their references as quickly as possible. CHECK. CHECK.
They did, of course. (Thank you to all of you who did this for us!)
Then the process, ONCE AGAIN, screeched to a halt.
So, I checked in last week with her. She said, "oops, I was out of the office. I will check into that now."
"Out of the office" seems to be the most common domino effect. Causes an instant stop to the process. Whether it is something legitimate or not, we will never know. I try and believe the best in people, I really do.
The very first 'domino' after our girl was declared legally free was the ICPC request. That got stuck for over 3 weeks too. She was "out of the office" due to a family emergency. And our paperwork sat. It was only discovered after I continously asked. Someone finally checked and "oops" it hadn't got sent.
Then it finally got sent to OR ICPC and sat, once again. After harrassing them some more, (wow, I am getting pretty good at that!) it was discovered that, "oops" the request to get us certified had not been done. Also, she had never been placed in the WARE list, which apparently has to happen first before the ICPC process can even begin.
Another "oops"
We were selected for her last fall. We met her for the first time in October. She was finally declared legally free on December 7th.
It is now March 21st.
The gal who came to our home said it shouldn't take more than a week to get the foster certification done.
"Oops" it took THREE.
Yes, I am frustrated. I am human. I succumb to human emotions.
I am not perfect at all. I whine. I cry. I gripe. I moan.
A person I felt was surely behind me in my endeavors told me, "Hey, maybe this wasn't meant to be if all of these roadblocks keep happening."
really?
In a year, I will have forgotten all of these roadblocks. All of these frustrations will *poof* be gone. Much like a woman forgets the worst parts of a pregnancy and birth. The newborn baby takes all of those memories and makes them dissappear.
Such will be the case with our daughter.
We will forget the hard struggles of our adoption journey once she is here. Then we can begin our own domino effect. The one where the years zoom by and before you know it, she will be an adult. And we will wish we could start the whole process over as she stands on the threshold of life, ready to strike out on her own.
Then we will long for a way to reverse the domino effect.
Friday, March 9, 2012
keeping on keeping on
We just keep on keeping on.
What else can we do? I am not a quitter. I'm stubborn and persistant.
We don't look at all the road blocks as "signs" that we shouldn't be doing what we are doing.
We look at them as learning tools. Perfect practice to learn patience in the most literal sense of the word. Perfect time to really understand difficulties. Perfect time to learn how to deal with unpleasant situations. Perfect time to learn how to deal with things that you can't change.
After all, we are about to bring a foster child into our home to adopt. We will have many difficult days ahead. Maybe more bad than good. We had better be ready.
So, if we had a breeze of a time during the whole process, we would be in for a shock when we hit the first obstacle. It would all be too much, and we wouldn't be able to handle it.
It's readiness. It's offense. It's smart.
Anyone who trains for a marathon sure isn't going to get their muscles in shape by sitting on the couch watching sponge bob square pants. You know the episode. The one were he can't even lift a straw that has two cups of pop on each end, nor even teddy bears.
There are those who sign up for marathons to look cool. They buy expensive name brand gear, and talk about it with everyone they know. But, if they don't train for the run by actually getting out there and hitting the pavement, they are doomed. Doomed to fail.
I am not really interested in buying the name brand stuff. Nor am I interested in just adopting to look cool. My deepest desire has always been to help at least one child get out of the foster system and show them consistent, genuine love.
So, when hurdles come during our journey to adoption (and there have been many) I look at them as just another training session. I try and learn everything I can, about the lesson to be learned, in that situation. I keep moving forward. I don't give up.
For those who worry that maybe it isn't meant to be if you have to fight for it, I can only say that I have laid it before the Lord many times. I say, Please God, if this isn't meant to be, then shut the doors on this. And for some of the ones we had initially sent our homestudies on, those doors did close.
He keeps opening them for us with Lovelygirl. Maybe the road isn't smooth as glass, and worry free. But, in our eyes, she is worth every struggle. He knows this. He sees our hearts. He has promised. He will fullfill.
keeping on keeping on
What else can we do? I am not a quitter. I'm stubborn and persistant.
We don't look at all the road blocks as "signs" that we shouldn't be doing what we are doing.
We look at them as learning tools. Perfect practice to learn patience in the most literal sense of the word. Perfect time to really understand difficulties. Perfect time to learn how to deal with unpleasant situations. Perfect time to learn how to deal with things that you can't change.
After all, we are about to bring a foster child into our home to adopt. We will have many difficult days ahead. Maybe more bad than good. We had better be ready.
So, if we had a breeze of a time during the whole process, we would be in for a shock when we hit the first obstacle. It would all be too much, and we wouldn't be able to handle it.
It's readiness. It's offense. It's smart.
Anyone who trains for a marathon sure isn't going to get their muscles in shape by sitting on the couch watching sponge bob square pants. You know the episode. The one were he can't even lift a straw that has two cups of pop on each end, nor even teddy bears.
There are those who sign up for marathons to look cool. They buy expensive name brand gear, and talk about it with everyone they know. But, if they don't train for the run by actually getting out there and hitting the pavement, they are doomed. Doomed to fail.
I am not really interested in buying the name brand stuff. Nor am I interested in just adopting to look cool. My deepest desire has always been to help at least one child get out of the foster system and show them consistent, genuine love.
So, when hurdles come during our journey to adoption (and there have been many) I look at them as just another training session. I try and learn everything I can, about the lesson to be learned, in that situation. I keep moving forward. I don't give up.
For those who worry that maybe it isn't meant to be if you have to fight for it, I can only say that I have laid it before the Lord many times. I say, Please God, if this isn't meant to be, then shut the doors on this. And for some of the ones we had initially sent our homestudies on, those doors did close.
He keeps opening them for us with Lovelygirl. Maybe the road isn't smooth as glass, and worry free. But, in our eyes, she is worth every struggle. He knows this. He sees our hearts. He has promised. He will fullfill.
keeping on keeping on
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Princess for a Day
At Oh-Dark-Thirty a very excited girl threw my bedroom door open, flipped on the light switch and hollored, "Good Morning!"
It didn't take a genius to figure out that someone is excited about today!
Princess for a day. AFFEC hosts this every year, and our lovelygirl got her golden ticket in the mail, (by the way, her very first official snail mail at her new home!) and we leave at 1:00 pm.
Last year, I volunteered for this event, serving "tea" and "crumpets" to hundreds of little princesses and their entourage.
I remember at one point, standing on the side of the dance floor, watching beauties twirl in pinks, purples and a multitude of other colors; flashes of light bouncing off their tiaras and giggles of embarrassment as they were escorted by handsome princes across the floor; and wondering if by the following year, I would be able to have my very own little girl to bring to this wonderful event.
She has every reason to be excited. A special day to honor the magic in all little girl's hearts. A day to feel pampered. A day that makes her just like all the other girls, with no real separation between 'foster' and 'normal' or 'adopted' and 'biological'.
No, out on the dance floor, they are all the same.
My heart races too. I can't wait till one o'clock! I will be the driver of the pumpkin coach, flicking the reigns of the horsepower and yelling 'giddyup' as we make our way down to Eugene.
She can't even imagine how big this event is. The biggest tea party she will likely ever attend. I can't wait to see her face when she walks in!
And here I am today, with my lovelygirl...answered prayers realized. Thank you, God, for bringing her to us. We are ever so blessed to have her in our lives. Our own little princess.
Princess for a Day!
It didn't take a genius to figure out that someone is excited about today!
Princess for a day. AFFEC hosts this every year, and our lovelygirl got her golden ticket in the mail, (by the way, her very first official snail mail at her new home!) and we leave at 1:00 pm.
Last year, I volunteered for this event, serving "tea" and "crumpets" to hundreds of little princesses and their entourage.
I remember at one point, standing on the side of the dance floor, watching beauties twirl in pinks, purples and a multitude of other colors; flashes of light bouncing off their tiaras and giggles of embarrassment as they were escorted by handsome princes across the floor; and wondering if by the following year, I would be able to have my very own little girl to bring to this wonderful event.
She has every reason to be excited. A special day to honor the magic in all little girl's hearts. A day to feel pampered. A day that makes her just like all the other girls, with no real separation between 'foster' and 'normal' or 'adopted' and 'biological'.
No, out on the dance floor, they are all the same.
My heart races too. I can't wait till one o'clock! I will be the driver of the pumpkin coach, flicking the reigns of the horsepower and yelling 'giddyup' as we make our way down to Eugene.
She can't even imagine how big this event is. The biggest tea party she will likely ever attend. I can't wait to see her face when she walks in!
And here I am today, with my lovelygirl...answered prayers realized. Thank you, God, for bringing her to us. We are ever so blessed to have her in our lives. Our own little princess.
Princess for a Day!
Friday, March 2, 2012
friend or foe?
While I am the first to say that it is commendable for people to take on fostering kids, I also know from experience that it isn't always beneficial to the child.
If you are on the road to adoption, you will likely experience foster parents in your final phases of the journey. I am sure that in most cases, they are great people, who truly care about the children placed in their care.
In other cases, it isn't the best case scenario. We have had our lovelygirl in two separate foster homes while we were in her life. The first one was not a safe place for her to be, and due to even a prior foster child disclosing abuse (besides the kids living in the home at the time), our lovelygirl was removed from that home and placed in another foster home. The one she is in currently, is a temporary home, and lucky for our lovelygirl...is the second time she has been there.
Why am I saying all of this anyway?
Think for a moment of children whose parents are divorced. That child goes back and forth. And, because the parents generally have had a bad ending to their relationships, they tend to place the children in the middle, sometimes using them as pawns to get back at their ex.
The current caregiver won't talk to me on the phone, She just uses lovelygirl to say things to me. Things she shouldn't use a child to do.
We have done nothing to this person. Nothing. I have only talked to her one time, and went away feeling great, thinking she was a nice person. Now, I am realizing that the other foster mother must have said things to this one, there is no other reason I can think of. It wasn't my fault that they did things that were considered abuse by the DSHS system. I didn't do anything wrong. They did. Period.
I am so ready for this to be over. Our lovelygirl goes from one extreme to another. There, she is allowed to watch adult comedy, which we all know has sexual overtures that an eight year old should not be seeing. We tell her here that she can't watch them.
When lovelygirl comes back and tells us that the current foster mother said that " 'C' may be the boss of you when you are down there, but here she isn't your boss!" I am shocked.
Why would a foster mother undermine what is truly the best thing to happen to a foster child? That she would find a loving, caring and nurturing home. That her new parents want the best for her, and don't just think of her as a meal ticket or a number.
It sounds so juvenile. So junior highish. Doesn't it?
Other things, like attitudes, are cropping up; all with the saying that " 'R' says I can do that!" And more, things I won't go into.
Triangulation? Possibly some.
Yet, I also know there is something there. That saddens me. We should be only thinking of what is truly best for this child.
In a perfect world we would have been friends. Like minded. One purpose. To ready a child who has had so many let downs she can't count them, for her new life. Her needs would come first. Instead, it appears to be the opposite up there.
Is there some rule among foster parents, to "stick together", to have each others backs no matter what the cost? To keep each other out of trouble, and not tell? No such thing as mandatory reporting? I mean, come one! These are children! They were put in your home to get them away from abuse, not to be put right back into it!
I am sad that in our case, it had to be this way.
Please know, that I do still believe that there are wonderful foster parents out there! I know first hand that there are...one of those being my husband's mother's foster family. They are still her family and ours too. Sweet wonderful people. So, I know there are more out there.
I pray that none of you have to experience the "foe" side of foster parents. I pray you all can have the "friend" side. To work together to help a child. Isn't that the reason they are doing it? It should be!
friend? or foe?
If you are on the road to adoption, you will likely experience foster parents in your final phases of the journey. I am sure that in most cases, they are great people, who truly care about the children placed in their care.
In other cases, it isn't the best case scenario. We have had our lovelygirl in two separate foster homes while we were in her life. The first one was not a safe place for her to be, and due to even a prior foster child disclosing abuse (besides the kids living in the home at the time), our lovelygirl was removed from that home and placed in another foster home. The one she is in currently, is a temporary home, and lucky for our lovelygirl...is the second time she has been there.
Why am I saying all of this anyway?
Think for a moment of children whose parents are divorced. That child goes back and forth. And, because the parents generally have had a bad ending to their relationships, they tend to place the children in the middle, sometimes using them as pawns to get back at their ex.
The current caregiver won't talk to me on the phone, She just uses lovelygirl to say things to me. Things she shouldn't use a child to do.
We have done nothing to this person. Nothing. I have only talked to her one time, and went away feeling great, thinking she was a nice person. Now, I am realizing that the other foster mother must have said things to this one, there is no other reason I can think of. It wasn't my fault that they did things that were considered abuse by the DSHS system. I didn't do anything wrong. They did. Period.
I am so ready for this to be over. Our lovelygirl goes from one extreme to another. There, she is allowed to watch adult comedy, which we all know has sexual overtures that an eight year old should not be seeing. We tell her here that she can't watch them.
When lovelygirl comes back and tells us that the current foster mother said that " 'C' may be the boss of you when you are down there, but here she isn't your boss!" I am shocked.
Why would a foster mother undermine what is truly the best thing to happen to a foster child? That she would find a loving, caring and nurturing home. That her new parents want the best for her, and don't just think of her as a meal ticket or a number.
It sounds so juvenile. So junior highish. Doesn't it?
Other things, like attitudes, are cropping up; all with the saying that " 'R' says I can do that!" And more, things I won't go into.
Triangulation? Possibly some.
Yet, I also know there is something there. That saddens me. We should be only thinking of what is truly best for this child.
In a perfect world we would have been friends. Like minded. One purpose. To ready a child who has had so many let downs she can't count them, for her new life. Her needs would come first. Instead, it appears to be the opposite up there.
Is there some rule among foster parents, to "stick together", to have each others backs no matter what the cost? To keep each other out of trouble, and not tell? No such thing as mandatory reporting? I mean, come one! These are children! They were put in your home to get them away from abuse, not to be put right back into it!
I am sad that in our case, it had to be this way.
Please know, that I do still believe that there are wonderful foster parents out there! I know first hand that there are...one of those being my husband's mother's foster family. They are still her family and ours too. Sweet wonderful people. So, I know there are more out there.
I pray that none of you have to experience the "foe" side of foster parents. I pray you all can have the "friend" side. To work together to help a child. Isn't that the reason they are doing it? It should be!
friend? or foe?
Thursday, March 1, 2012
moving forward
I feel like such a weinie. A whiny squawling baby.
There are so many more important things than my sniveling worries.
And so, I offer my sincere apologies to my friends.
What weakness causes me to lose hope, and lose sight of those things that ARE more important?
A few more days won't change anything. Lovelygirl will be ours at some point in time. Even if it isn't tomorrow, it will happen.
My pathetic snivelings won't make it happen any sooner. And I do want her to be able to read this some day and be proud of us. I want her to see me as a strong woman, a good role model.
And not the weak puny person of yesterday.
Things ended up working out after all. We found the name of the doctor in an email (thanks H for the idea) and got the important document rounded up and faxed in to our agency. Emergency averted. Red flags down.
The ICPC DHS lady came out and inspected our home and found everything to their standards. We filled out some necessary paperwork.
So all the freaking out was for naught. Plain and simple. I acted the fool.
Ok, enough self loathing. It's over. Another new day has dawned.
Moving forward.
There are so many more important things than my sniveling worries.
And so, I offer my sincere apologies to my friends.
What weakness causes me to lose hope, and lose sight of those things that ARE more important?
A few more days won't change anything. Lovelygirl will be ours at some point in time. Even if it isn't tomorrow, it will happen.
My pathetic snivelings won't make it happen any sooner. And I do want her to be able to read this some day and be proud of us. I want her to see me as a strong woman, a good role model.
And not the weak puny person of yesterday.
Things ended up working out after all. We found the name of the doctor in an email (thanks H for the idea) and got the important document rounded up and faxed in to our agency. Emergency averted. Red flags down.
The ICPC DHS lady came out and inspected our home and found everything to their standards. We filled out some necessary paperwork.
So all the freaking out was for naught. Plain and simple. I acted the fool.
Ok, enough self loathing. It's over. Another new day has dawned.
Moving forward.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
ARGHHHHHH!
There are days when I feel like just giving up.
Today is one of those days.
I am thinking positively negative thoughts: Am I just plain pushing too hard? Am I really supposed to adopt at all, when it seems like we hit every weird wall there could ever be? Am I forcing this to happen when it shouldn't?
Don't get me wrong. I know at the end of the day, I won't give up. I just FEEL like it today.
My husband and I have been in this adoptive process for almost 2 years. (April it will be 2 yrs) I, myself, have had it in my heart for over 12 yrs. Twelve years is a long time. You would think if it was meant to be, it would have happened already. You would think that I wouldn't have to push so hard to make it happen now.
The ICPC people have finally got a person coming out today to get us foster certified. Something we have to do, but couldn't do until an actual order from WA had been made. After all this time, they are finally coming.
So, why then do I feel like this?
We found out late last night that a document, that we thought had been in place for two whole years, just isn't there. It's lost. MIA. gone. poof. vanished.
A medical report on my husband. Here is the thing: It took ALOT to get my husband to do the doctor visit in the first place. He hates doctors. He is a procrastinator too.
We looked everywhere, but it does appear that we sent the hard copies to our agency without making a copy. (LEARN FROM THIS PEOPLE! Make copies of EVERYTHING!)
I just have no idea how long it will take to get this little overlooked missing document replaced.
Why do these things keep happening to us? We have our girl. She is up in WA...probably sitting in a classroom at this very moment, or out at recess...or .....?
I just feel like laying on the couch and crying my eyes out. My heart feels anxious. My stomach feels sick.
Here is the thing...my husband works nights. So he sleeps days. This morning he got to bed late because we were looking here...everywhere...for a copy. Couldn't find it. He found an envelope that had the medical results but not the AFFEC form we had the Doc fill out. BUT he took it back in the bedroom, and he was pretty grouchy about getting to bed late, and having to get up early for the ICPC DHS worker appointment.
So, it is best for me to just wait. (I am SO sick of WAITING) I can't even remember the place where he went to get his physical, it's on that envelope....and in the bedroom....and I am out here...ARGHHHH!
Seriously. I am having some sort of anxiety attack or something. I just don't even feel like cleaning the house for this worker.
I don't know if anyone out there has ever felt the way I am feeling. Or if it's just me, crazy old me...
Today is one of those days.
I am thinking positively negative thoughts: Am I just plain pushing too hard? Am I really supposed to adopt at all, when it seems like we hit every weird wall there could ever be? Am I forcing this to happen when it shouldn't?
Don't get me wrong. I know at the end of the day, I won't give up. I just FEEL like it today.
My husband and I have been in this adoptive process for almost 2 years. (April it will be 2 yrs) I, myself, have had it in my heart for over 12 yrs. Twelve years is a long time. You would think if it was meant to be, it would have happened already. You would think that I wouldn't have to push so hard to make it happen now.
The ICPC people have finally got a person coming out today to get us foster certified. Something we have to do, but couldn't do until an actual order from WA had been made. After all this time, they are finally coming.
So, why then do I feel like this?
We found out late last night that a document, that we thought had been in place for two whole years, just isn't there. It's lost. MIA. gone. poof. vanished.
A medical report on my husband. Here is the thing: It took ALOT to get my husband to do the doctor visit in the first place. He hates doctors. He is a procrastinator too.
We looked everywhere, but it does appear that we sent the hard copies to our agency without making a copy. (LEARN FROM THIS PEOPLE! Make copies of EVERYTHING!)
I just have no idea how long it will take to get this little overlooked missing document replaced.
Why do these things keep happening to us? We have our girl. She is up in WA...probably sitting in a classroom at this very moment, or out at recess...or .....?
I just feel like laying on the couch and crying my eyes out. My heart feels anxious. My stomach feels sick.
Here is the thing...my husband works nights. So he sleeps days. This morning he got to bed late because we were looking here...everywhere...for a copy. Couldn't find it. He found an envelope that had the medical results but not the AFFEC form we had the Doc fill out. BUT he took it back in the bedroom, and he was pretty grouchy about getting to bed late, and having to get up early for the ICPC DHS worker appointment.
So, it is best for me to just wait. (I am SO sick of WAITING) I can't even remember the place where he went to get his physical, it's on that envelope....and in the bedroom....and I am out here...ARGHHHH!
Seriously. I am having some sort of anxiety attack or something. I just don't even feel like cleaning the house for this worker.
I don't know if anyone out there has ever felt the way I am feeling. Or if it's just me, crazy old me...
Saturday, February 25, 2012
To be or not to be
To be or not to be...that is the question.
In our story, the protaganist is an eight year old foster child. Bounced from foster home to foster home in her short life, and now on the verge of being rescued from the dark tower of temporary homes, she waits...and waits...and waits.
Her long, curly dark hair blows in the wind as she gazes out the arched window of the tower, searching for the dream that lays just beyond the shadows in her tiny world.
In her realm, two people appear every now and again...they ride in on white horses and ask the Queen (the antagonist in our story) to have her for a day or two...and wisk her away to a fairyland of exciting new places and people. These two people, a man and a woman, tell her fairytale stories...fables in which she becomes their very own princess, in her very own castle.
Eagerly, she soaks up all the attention that is showered upon her, for she well knows that come the morrow, all will be back to it's original place. She will no longer be the adored princess, but just one of the foster children living in the tower.
The keepers of this tower are kind people, but they are still only temporary guardians, and with 5 other girls in their care, just don't have the time or energy to make each one feel like they are a princess, nor do they desire to keep these girls as their own.
To be...a temporary child.
Today, a Saturday, lovelygirl seeks the return of the man and woman, and quietly waits to hear the pounding hooves of white steeds that bring the couple to her once again.
Alas, the wait is in vain. They do not arrive to break the spell. Not this weekend.
Promises of more visits, and most of all, promises of a new life, hand like black shrouds over her, threatening to cover her completely. Promises that she wants to believe in, but is finding more and more difficult to do so.
On the breeze, she swears she hears the plaintive call of her little kitten, Rosie, who lives with the couple. She thinks about her little pet all the day long. She is one link that makes it all seem so real.
Dare she continue to believe in this fairytale?
To be or not to be?
Will she be adopted or not?
Will she become the princess she always dreamt of...or not?
Meanwhile, in fairytale land, the couple work hard to make it all happen. To push and get answers, to call and demand for the Queen to take notice, and they dream of lovelygirl every night.
The Queen takes her time. She has so many duties that this particular little girl in the tower is but a number. She can't do everything at once can she? The couple waits and waits for what seems like an eternity.
Finally, a messenger on a gray horse rides to them, carrying news on a satiny scroll. The Queen has finally asked for one of her servants, the Foster Certifier, to come forth and check the couple's home and lands and see if it is suitable to inhabit a young princess.
Oh, the joy in the man and woman's hearts. The waiting is getting close to being over. They dance with happiness and ready themselves for the visit of the Foster Certifier.
Up in the tower, a little girl waits. She can't feel the winds of change just yet. In her heart she is still wondering if the visits were even real. She doesn't quite believe that she will be rescued. To be their princess.
How much longer before she lets her soul wither and die in doubt.
To be or not to be.
In our story, the protaganist is an eight year old foster child. Bounced from foster home to foster home in her short life, and now on the verge of being rescued from the dark tower of temporary homes, she waits...and waits...and waits.
Her long, curly dark hair blows in the wind as she gazes out the arched window of the tower, searching for the dream that lays just beyond the shadows in her tiny world.
In her realm, two people appear every now and again...they ride in on white horses and ask the Queen (the antagonist in our story) to have her for a day or two...and wisk her away to a fairyland of exciting new places and people. These two people, a man and a woman, tell her fairytale stories...fables in which she becomes their very own princess, in her very own castle.
Eagerly, she soaks up all the attention that is showered upon her, for she well knows that come the morrow, all will be back to it's original place. She will no longer be the adored princess, but just one of the foster children living in the tower.
The keepers of this tower are kind people, but they are still only temporary guardians, and with 5 other girls in their care, just don't have the time or energy to make each one feel like they are a princess, nor do they desire to keep these girls as their own.
To be...a temporary child.
Today, a Saturday, lovelygirl seeks the return of the man and woman, and quietly waits to hear the pounding hooves of white steeds that bring the couple to her once again.
Alas, the wait is in vain. They do not arrive to break the spell. Not this weekend.
Promises of more visits, and most of all, promises of a new life, hand like black shrouds over her, threatening to cover her completely. Promises that she wants to believe in, but is finding more and more difficult to do so.
On the breeze, she swears she hears the plaintive call of her little kitten, Rosie, who lives with the couple. She thinks about her little pet all the day long. She is one link that makes it all seem so real.
Dare she continue to believe in this fairytale?
To be or not to be?
Will she be adopted or not?
Will she become the princess she always dreamt of...or not?
Meanwhile, in fairytale land, the couple work hard to make it all happen. To push and get answers, to call and demand for the Queen to take notice, and they dream of lovelygirl every night.
The Queen takes her time. She has so many duties that this particular little girl in the tower is but a number. She can't do everything at once can she? The couple waits and waits for what seems like an eternity.
Finally, a messenger on a gray horse rides to them, carrying news on a satiny scroll. The Queen has finally asked for one of her servants, the Foster Certifier, to come forth and check the couple's home and lands and see if it is suitable to inhabit a young princess.
Oh, the joy in the man and woman's hearts. The waiting is getting close to being over. They dance with happiness and ready themselves for the visit of the Foster Certifier.
Up in the tower, a little girl waits. She can't feel the winds of change just yet. In her heart she is still wondering if the visits were even real. She doesn't quite believe that she will be rescued. To be their princess.
How much longer before she lets her soul wither and die in doubt.
To be or not to be.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
defeats
"We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated."
--Maya Angelou
Many obstacles. Many defeats.
We have met yet another roadblock. The new adoption worker assigned to our lovelygirl has been replaced by the worker who previously held that post. What does this mean for her?
Another new face. Another new set of ideas. Another delay in the road to adopting her.
We had the golden ticket arrive in the mail already. The golden ticket for the Princess for A Day Event that AFFEC puts on. We were already cleared for the visit that weekend. We already have our time slot for the event and planned on going with dear friends.
Lovelygirl wants to go to this event. She talks about it nonstop. She wants to go with "S" her new BFF.
The day the new adoption worker is set to take over the case is March 1st. The very same weekend that the princess event is on. The last time a new adoption worker was assigned we missed the visit that weekend because the new person needed time to meet her and read over the case. If this new one does the same thing, we might miss this event.
Will she be able to understand at eight years old that we, her new parents, could not foresee the upcoming changes? Will she be able to wrap her little mind around the possibility that she won't get to go be a princess for a day? Will this set the tone for her not believing what we tell her?
We can only hope and pray that the new adoption worker will allow her to come down that weekend, understanding that this is an important event to her.
I am an adult. I can understand. I can say to myself, 'well there is always next year.' But for our relationship that is just forming, this could be a devastating setback. Trust could be shattered. We could come out looking like those parents who always have some excuse as to why their word isn't good enough. I don't want to be that.
This is so frustrating. It might even add more time to the already lengthy process we are in. One mistake in the beginning seems to be bringing all the dominoes down in the line. One after another. And our hands are tied.
Defeated?
Hardly.
Frustrated?
Ever so much!
How many more of these obstacles will we face before we are deemed worthy enough to take her home? To make her ours?
How many more defeats?
We must not be defeated!
--Maya Angelou
Many obstacles. Many defeats.
We have met yet another roadblock. The new adoption worker assigned to our lovelygirl has been replaced by the worker who previously held that post. What does this mean for her?
Another new face. Another new set of ideas. Another delay in the road to adopting her.
We had the golden ticket arrive in the mail already. The golden ticket for the Princess for A Day Event that AFFEC puts on. We were already cleared for the visit that weekend. We already have our time slot for the event and planned on going with dear friends.
Lovelygirl wants to go to this event. She talks about it nonstop. She wants to go with "S" her new BFF.
The day the new adoption worker is set to take over the case is March 1st. The very same weekend that the princess event is on. The last time a new adoption worker was assigned we missed the visit that weekend because the new person needed time to meet her and read over the case. If this new one does the same thing, we might miss this event.
Will she be able to understand at eight years old that we, her new parents, could not foresee the upcoming changes? Will she be able to wrap her little mind around the possibility that she won't get to go be a princess for a day? Will this set the tone for her not believing what we tell her?
We can only hope and pray that the new adoption worker will allow her to come down that weekend, understanding that this is an important event to her.
I am an adult. I can understand. I can say to myself, 'well there is always next year.' But for our relationship that is just forming, this could be a devastating setback. Trust could be shattered. We could come out looking like those parents who always have some excuse as to why their word isn't good enough. I don't want to be that.
This is so frustrating. It might even add more time to the already lengthy process we are in. One mistake in the beginning seems to be bringing all the dominoes down in the line. One after another. And our hands are tied.
Defeated?
Hardly.
Frustrated?
Ever so much!
How many more of these obstacles will we face before we are deemed worthy enough to take her home? To make her ours?
How many more defeats?
We must not be defeated!
Monday, February 20, 2012
A lifetime to heal.
We can't heal wounds, in one weekend, that took eight years to accumulate. We can't fix hurts, and issues in one weekend. We just can't do it, try as we might. It will take a lifetime.
We have had our lovelygirl for two separate weekend visits, one week apart. Each time, we are seeing more, new issues/behaviors that have stemmed from the current foster situation.
With 3 other eight year old girls and one six year old girl in the house, there is the obvious more chaotic environment there that she doesn't have here; and then some less obvious things...like her exposed to new behaviors and attitudes. Behaviors that she has watched the other girls do, then watched to see the outcome and the reactios. Then she comes here and tries them out on us. Yay.
Though we are very happy to have her out of the abusive situation she was in, it is still hard to have the girl you were matched to, the one you are beginning to forge a new relationship with, the girl who you have decided will be yours forever, IS yours--watch her go back to a home where things are not run how you would run them. And you are helpless.
You can't really say anything, you can't really do anything...you just keep hoping that things will hurry up and you will finally get her for good.
It isn't that this home is bad. It isn't. We are grateful that they found her a safe place to be.
More delays have added to the time that she will live in this other home, away from us. More of that "apart" time. We can only be satisfied with visits. Much like custodial visits that divorced parents deal with. Only we have such a short history with her ourselves that we can't be the parents we long to be. We have to wait.
We can only try and be consistant with our rules here, and consistant with our love and compassion, and hope that at some point, roots will form that will form the basis of our parenting style.
Once again, frustration creeps in and pulls me down.
How can we be real parents in one weekend? We can't. Does she remember us during that time apart? Does she become wrapped up in the other world and forget we even exist? Does she think of us, like we think of her?
We can't fix this in one weekend. It will take a lifetime. WE are committed to that. THEY aren't.
A lifetime to heal.
We have had our lovelygirl for two separate weekend visits, one week apart. Each time, we are seeing more, new issues/behaviors that have stemmed from the current foster situation.
With 3 other eight year old girls and one six year old girl in the house, there is the obvious more chaotic environment there that she doesn't have here; and then some less obvious things...like her exposed to new behaviors and attitudes. Behaviors that she has watched the other girls do, then watched to see the outcome and the reactios. Then she comes here and tries them out on us. Yay.
Though we are very happy to have her out of the abusive situation she was in, it is still hard to have the girl you were matched to, the one you are beginning to forge a new relationship with, the girl who you have decided will be yours forever, IS yours--watch her go back to a home where things are not run how you would run them. And you are helpless.
You can't really say anything, you can't really do anything...you just keep hoping that things will hurry up and you will finally get her for good.
It isn't that this home is bad. It isn't. We are grateful that they found her a safe place to be.
More delays have added to the time that she will live in this other home, away from us. More of that "apart" time. We can only be satisfied with visits. Much like custodial visits that divorced parents deal with. Only we have such a short history with her ourselves that we can't be the parents we long to be. We have to wait.
We can only try and be consistant with our rules here, and consistant with our love and compassion, and hope that at some point, roots will form that will form the basis of our parenting style.
Once again, frustration creeps in and pulls me down.
How can we be real parents in one weekend? We can't. Does she remember us during that time apart? Does she become wrapped up in the other world and forget we even exist? Does she think of us, like we think of her?
We can't fix this in one weekend. It will take a lifetime. WE are committed to that. THEY aren't.
A lifetime to heal.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
one step forward 2 steps back
I can see that the month that it took to get approved for another visit with lovelygirl had a negative affect on our relationship. Not terrible, but we slipped further back...closer to the beginning.
The one in December was 14 days long, and we forged a tiny bond. We had another visit in January, over a weekend, and that one was great too.
Then we had a whole month go by until this visit. And we only had her for one full day and two half days. Travel time in the car is great for conversations...IF a certain little girl could remain awake.
I have to take what I can get, and do the best that I can in the short time we have together.
But I feel like we took several steps backwards.
I wonder if she really believes that she WILL be moving here. She gave up asking. I don't have any answers for that. I am frustrated. And I am the Adult.
One step forward, two steps back.
The one in December was 14 days long, and we forged a tiny bond. We had another visit in January, over a weekend, and that one was great too.
Then we had a whole month go by until this visit. And we only had her for one full day and two half days. Travel time in the car is great for conversations...IF a certain little girl could remain awake.
I have to take what I can get, and do the best that I can in the short time we have together.
But I feel like we took several steps backwards.
I wonder if she really believes that she WILL be moving here. She gave up asking. I don't have any answers for that. I am frustrated. And I am the Adult.
One step forward, two steps back.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
apart or a part?
As I hastily scanned the previous post, I am once again off on another tangent, a rabbit's trail. It seems that you can be chasing one rabbit down the trail, and somehow, mysteriously, when you think you are almost to catch up to it, you realize it wasn't even the rabbit you started out chasing, nor is it the same trail you were on.
I enjoyed a chat with lovelygirl last night, and although she seemed happy, (this is good) she also seemed very hyper. The new adoption worker had explained to me that this house has a very chaotic environment. She couldn't focus on me for long, and it was evident she wanted to run off and play with the other 4 girls near her age, who were playing nearby and distracting her.
Happy that she is happy, seriously, I am. But, I am also sensing that the space between visits has not been good for the bond we had started to create. (over a month now between visits)
Space. Space between people. Space between her current FH and our home. Too far to navigate daily.
Space. Space between a vowel and a consonent. Changes the meaning entirely.
A part = belonging as one unit in a whole. Becoming a part of a family. One part of the whole we are. 1/8th of our family as a whole. Belonging.
Apart = two units separated by distance or time. Not together. Away from each other. She is there, we are here.
One tiny click on the keyboard. A space.
I long for her to be here, to be one of our family...to be one of us. ICPC has been sent to the OR office, where it now sits, delayed once again.
Delays that take the space away and make it one word...apart. Delays that cost her belonging to a family...to be a part.
Ironically, adding a space in the word actually takes away the space that separates us.
Though I would like to be the one to shove that keystroke into the equation and make it over, make her ours, make her a part of us, I can't.
I have to wait. She has to wait. We have to wait.
To be
A part.
I enjoyed a chat with lovelygirl last night, and although she seemed happy, (this is good) she also seemed very hyper. The new adoption worker had explained to me that this house has a very chaotic environment. She couldn't focus on me for long, and it was evident she wanted to run off and play with the other 4 girls near her age, who were playing nearby and distracting her.
Happy that she is happy, seriously, I am. But, I am also sensing that the space between visits has not been good for the bond we had started to create. (over a month now between visits)
Space. Space between people. Space between her current FH and our home. Too far to navigate daily.
Space. Space between a vowel and a consonent. Changes the meaning entirely.
A part = belonging as one unit in a whole. Becoming a part of a family. One part of the whole we are. 1/8th of our family as a whole. Belonging.
Apart = two units separated by distance or time. Not together. Away from each other. She is there, we are here.
One tiny click on the keyboard. A space.
I long for her to be here, to be one of our family...to be one of us. ICPC has been sent to the OR office, where it now sits, delayed once again.
Delays that take the space away and make it one word...apart. Delays that cost her belonging to a family...to be a part.
Ironically, adding a space in the word actually takes away the space that separates us.
Though I would like to be the one to shove that keystroke into the equation and make it over, make her ours, make her a part of us, I can't.
I have to wait. She has to wait. We have to wait.
To be
A part.
Monday, February 6, 2012
apart
should i be ashamed?
for being real? for being human?
for feeling frustration?
i wish i could be strong all the time.
but i can't.
she is there.
i am here.
fragility in human chains.
the longing is deep.
to have her here for real. not just a visit.
forever.
she giggles on the phone, and we joke together and laugh and sing.
but she is there.
and i am here.
would that i could hug her tight.
would that i could read her a bedtime story.
would that i could tuck her in, and kiss her forehead and smile as her eyes droop sleepily.
but she is there.
and i am here.
apart.
for being real? for being human?
for feeling frustration?
i wish i could be strong all the time.
but i can't.
she is there.
i am here.
fragility in human chains.
the longing is deep.
to have her here for real. not just a visit.
forever.
she giggles on the phone, and we joke together and laugh and sing.
but she is there.
and i am here.
would that i could hug her tight.
would that i could read her a bedtime story.
would that i could tuck her in, and kiss her forehead and smile as her eyes droop sleepily.
but she is there.
and i am here.
apart.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Frustration = ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frustration seems to be the name of the game.
Seriously, it seems that on this journey of adoption, I seem to feel frustrated more than I feel anything else.
I have lost countless hours of sleep worrying...and yes, I know worrying doesn't solve anything. And yet, here I am again...wallowing in this frustration. Rolling over and over in it. Completely covered in muck.
At times, it feels like quicksand, although there really isn't anything quick about it. Today, I feel like just my hand is above the surface, frantically grabbing for a lifeline, whilst the rest of me has been devoured by the consuming bog.
We haven't had a visit with lovelygirl in a month. We aren't even one step closer to getting her for good. We are seemingly stuck in all that beaucratic nonsense we call 'protocol'.
What has happened that has ground our journey to a halt? We don't even know. Let's review the things I do know...
Lovelygirl was declared legally free on December 7th, 2011. The ICPC was supposed to get sent on the 15th of December. Didn't happen. Sat on a desk all through the holidays. Finally, on January 5th, 2012 it got sent to the correct department. Then it sat...and sat...for two more weeks. No one bothered to let the sender that there were a few things left undone; things that had to be completed before it could be sent to Oregon. Nope. Just sat there on a desk. Waiting. Finally, someone wondered enough to ask why. They found out that they needed to add her to the Washington Adoption Resource Exchange list in order for them to even consider sending a Purchase of Service to our agency. So, they quickly did that, and the POS got signed (within an hour of receiving it on our end) and sent back to the WA ICPC. And then nothing. Nada. Zero. Zip. As far as we know, it is sitting on that same person's desk again. It's supposed to get sent to Oregon.
In the middle of this lovelygirl had to be moved to a new foster home due to alleged abuse in the home. (She disclosed this to a mandatory reporter) And there she is, in this new foster home, not one step closer to finishing this process. Stuck.
A new adoption worker had to be assigned to her, so we didn't get a visit this weekend. We have to wait until next weekend.
I wonder at the red tape that causes a child, who can't really think and act like an adult, to be confused and scared; their fragile lives hanging in midair, waiting for someone else, a stranger, to make their lives decisions for them.
She keeps asking, "When do I get to come live with you for real?"
I am sick and tired of having to answer, "I don't know, honey...I just don't know."
Frustration.
Hand tied behind my back, nothing I can do but wait on others to decide things for her. Not liking that feeling...of being helpless to help her, stuck here...
While I do realize that there are just things that happen, and that there may be some good reason for this delay, and that I just need more patience, and that it isn't really nice to blame anyone....but still. I have a right to feel something.
And that feeling is frustration.
ARGH!!!!
Seriously, it seems that on this journey of adoption, I seem to feel frustrated more than I feel anything else.
I have lost countless hours of sleep worrying...and yes, I know worrying doesn't solve anything. And yet, here I am again...wallowing in this frustration. Rolling over and over in it. Completely covered in muck.
At times, it feels like quicksand, although there really isn't anything quick about it. Today, I feel like just my hand is above the surface, frantically grabbing for a lifeline, whilst the rest of me has been devoured by the consuming bog.
We haven't had a visit with lovelygirl in a month. We aren't even one step closer to getting her for good. We are seemingly stuck in all that beaucratic nonsense we call 'protocol'.
What has happened that has ground our journey to a halt? We don't even know. Let's review the things I do know...
Lovelygirl was declared legally free on December 7th, 2011. The ICPC was supposed to get sent on the 15th of December. Didn't happen. Sat on a desk all through the holidays. Finally, on January 5th, 2012 it got sent to the correct department. Then it sat...and sat...for two more weeks. No one bothered to let the sender that there were a few things left undone; things that had to be completed before it could be sent to Oregon. Nope. Just sat there on a desk. Waiting. Finally, someone wondered enough to ask why. They found out that they needed to add her to the Washington Adoption Resource Exchange list in order for them to even consider sending a Purchase of Service to our agency. So, they quickly did that, and the POS got signed (within an hour of receiving it on our end) and sent back to the WA ICPC. And then nothing. Nada. Zero. Zip. As far as we know, it is sitting on that same person's desk again. It's supposed to get sent to Oregon.
In the middle of this lovelygirl had to be moved to a new foster home due to alleged abuse in the home. (She disclosed this to a mandatory reporter) And there she is, in this new foster home, not one step closer to finishing this process. Stuck.
A new adoption worker had to be assigned to her, so we didn't get a visit this weekend. We have to wait until next weekend.
I wonder at the red tape that causes a child, who can't really think and act like an adult, to be confused and scared; their fragile lives hanging in midair, waiting for someone else, a stranger, to make their lives decisions for them.
She keeps asking, "When do I get to come live with you for real?"
I am sick and tired of having to answer, "I don't know, honey...I just don't know."
Frustration.
Hand tied behind my back, nothing I can do but wait on others to decide things for her. Not liking that feeling...of being helpless to help her, stuck here...
While I do realize that there are just things that happen, and that there may be some good reason for this delay, and that I just need more patience, and that it isn't really nice to blame anyone....but still. I have a right to feel something.
And that feeling is frustration.
ARGH!!!!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
working out
Whew! Did it! 20 minutes on the Eliptical Machine from hell!
On Tuesday it began, 25 minutes of stairs in the park across from my work, with two other co-workers. I promised myself, after actually keeping up with them, (they have worked out before) that I wouldn't stop. I would work at this to get myself into shape.
Hard to believe that I used to be in super good shape, working out at a gym 5 days a week, and training to compete. That was only 8 yrs ago. Wow. How did I allow myself to fall into this horrible frumpiness?
First let me make it perfectly clear, I do NOT cave into the pressure of the all-too-often-failed New Year's Resolution. Nope. Not me. Don't like to sign up for something that will be a sure-fire failure.
No, this isn't for me. It's for lovelygirl.
She told me she doesn't want me to lose any weight, that she likes my "chubs" (lovehandles lol) and doesn't want me to change.
I appreciate that, but really, for me now...it isn't about the weight...it's about being healthy...and being able to keep up with an 8 yr old!
I am over 40 now. UGH. Which means I have to work even harder (I thought they said that 40 is the new 20?!) to get that way. My metabolism has slowed to a crawl.
So, I climbed on that mean old machine...and picked the first workout. It's basically one big long hill...of course as you get closer to the top, the resistance kicks up until you are at level 6 going over the hump. I thought that when I reached 10 minutes, that the resistance would change, but it didn't...it went to 3, for maybe one minute then climbed back up to 5!
It's important to me that I can be healthy enough to enjoy times with lovelygirl. Although medically, I seem fine...even my blood pressure surprisingly is fairly low; I know that my cardio is horrible. So, I want to make that better. I want to be there for her as long as I am able...and I want to enjoy bike rides, and hikes without having to stop and take rests.
If I happen to shed some unwanted pounds along the way, then hurray! I am sure she will still like me! lol
It's also important for me to set a good example for her. Show her that it can be fun to keep your body in shape. Help her cultivate a love for outdoor excercise.
And so, I begin.
working out.
On Tuesday it began, 25 minutes of stairs in the park across from my work, with two other co-workers. I promised myself, after actually keeping up with them, (they have worked out before) that I wouldn't stop. I would work at this to get myself into shape.
Hard to believe that I used to be in super good shape, working out at a gym 5 days a week, and training to compete. That was only 8 yrs ago. Wow. How did I allow myself to fall into this horrible frumpiness?
First let me make it perfectly clear, I do NOT cave into the pressure of the all-too-often-failed New Year's Resolution. Nope. Not me. Don't like to sign up for something that will be a sure-fire failure.
No, this isn't for me. It's for lovelygirl.
She told me she doesn't want me to lose any weight, that she likes my "chubs" (lovehandles lol) and doesn't want me to change.
I appreciate that, but really, for me now...it isn't about the weight...it's about being healthy...and being able to keep up with an 8 yr old!
I am over 40 now. UGH. Which means I have to work even harder (I thought they said that 40 is the new 20?!) to get that way. My metabolism has slowed to a crawl.
So, I climbed on that mean old machine...and picked the first workout. It's basically one big long hill...of course as you get closer to the top, the resistance kicks up until you are at level 6 going over the hump. I thought that when I reached 10 minutes, that the resistance would change, but it didn't...it went to 3, for maybe one minute then climbed back up to 5!
It's important to me that I can be healthy enough to enjoy times with lovelygirl. Although medically, I seem fine...even my blood pressure surprisingly is fairly low; I know that my cardio is horrible. So, I want to make that better. I want to be there for her as long as I am able...and I want to enjoy bike rides, and hikes without having to stop and take rests.
If I happen to shed some unwanted pounds along the way, then hurray! I am sure she will still like me! lol
It's also important for me to set a good example for her. Show her that it can be fun to keep your body in shape. Help her cultivate a love for outdoor excercise.
And so, I begin.
working out.
Monday, January 30, 2012
ICPC process
When I began this arduous journey, the journey of adoption--many of the processes that you have to go through were just a blurry unreadable line at the end of pages and pages of more exciting things; things like how to search online for waiting children for example.
I don't even recall hearing the acronym ICPC. Ever.
Maybe there are some of you out there who haven't heard of it either. If you adopt a child within your own state, you might not ever hear it.
The child we chose is from another state. Washington State. And so, when our lovelygirl became legally free, they had to start the ICPC process. Depending on who is in charge of sending or receiving the documents, you may be looking at a process that could take under 30 days to accomplish, or up to 90 days.
Because of delays, ours will take longer. Paperwork sat on a desk, waiting for "protocol" to be completed with no one even checking on it for almost 2 weeks. Those essential tasks were finally done, and it began moving again...but another hiccup could stop it in it's tracks.
We've come to accept this. Patience is a virtue, right?
So, I thought I might give you all a looksy at how the process MIGHT take if you decide to adopt from another state. If you do, be ready to be schooled in the art of patience!
If you are like me, and like to be a part of helping the process along, forget it...you have no control!
So here it is; a shortened version:
So, where are WE at in this process??? Lovelygirl was declared legally free on December 7th. Holidays stopped the process in it's tracks. Other delays caused more hiccups. One was that the POS couldn't be sent because our lovelygirl was never put on the WARE list. Another hiccup came when lovelygirl had to be moved to a new foster home. (won't EVEN go there!)
We are only on the third bulletin!
Suffice it to say, I am learning much patience, but through it all, our hearts remain firm in the resolve to bring our lovelygirl home. She is ours! Time won't change that!
So, take THAT you ICPC process! (smile)
I don't even recall hearing the acronym ICPC. Ever.
Maybe there are some of you out there who haven't heard of it either. If you adopt a child within your own state, you might not ever hear it.
The child we chose is from another state. Washington State. And so, when our lovelygirl became legally free, they had to start the ICPC process. Depending on who is in charge of sending or receiving the documents, you may be looking at a process that could take under 30 days to accomplish, or up to 90 days.
Because of delays, ours will take longer. Paperwork sat on a desk, waiting for "protocol" to be completed with no one even checking on it for almost 2 weeks. Those essential tasks were finally done, and it began moving again...but another hiccup could stop it in it's tracks.
We've come to accept this. Patience is a virtue, right?
So, I thought I might give you all a looksy at how the process MIGHT take if you decide to adopt from another state. If you do, be ready to be schooled in the art of patience!
If you are like me, and like to be a part of helping the process along, forget it...you have no control!
So here it is; a shortened version:
• Documents are filed with sending state’s ICPC. They review it and make a request to their DSHS contracts office to modify contract for post placement supervision, adding the child.
• A Purchase of Service (POS) has to be sent to receiving state’s ICPC, signed and sent back.
• ICPC sends the docs on to receiving state’s ICPC. They review it and make a request to appropriate county DHS to certify you for foster care.
• The contracts office will contact agency’s office and both sign a modified contract.
• Your county DHS will call you and set up a time for a certifier to come out to your home.
• They may also run a new background check, and you may need to be fingerprinted again.
• The contracts office will notify sending state’s ICPC when the new contract is in place.
• Your county DHS will notify receiving state’s ICPC when the foster certification study is complete.
• In the meantime, there is nothing to prevent more visits between you and your child.
• Receiving state’s ICPC will sign their approval of the placement.
• Sending state’s ICPC will sign their approval of the placement.
• Receiving state’s ICPC notifies you.
• You go get your child/children and bring him/her/them home!
So, where are WE at in this process??? Lovelygirl was declared legally free on December 7th. Holidays stopped the process in it's tracks. Other delays caused more hiccups. One was that the POS couldn't be sent because our lovelygirl was never put on the WARE list. Another hiccup came when lovelygirl had to be moved to a new foster home. (won't EVEN go there!)
We are only on the third bulletin!
Suffice it to say, I am learning much patience, but through it all, our hearts remain firm in the resolve to bring our lovelygirl home. She is ours! Time won't change that!
So, take THAT you ICPC process! (smile)
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
SAY NO TO BULLYING!!
Bullying comes in all different shapes, sizes and forms.
What exactly is bullying? I searched the internet for the definition.
http://www.wikepidia.com/
says this:
"Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".
Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation."
http://www.aboutschool.com/
says this:
"Bullying is intentional aggressive behavior. It can take the form of physical or verbal harassment and involves an imbalance of power (a group of children can gang up on a victim or someone who is physically bigger or more aggressive can intimidate someone else, for instance).
Bullying behavior can include teasing, insulting someone (particularly about their weight or height, race, sexuality, religion or other personal traits), shoving, hitting, excluding someone, or gossiping about someone.
Bullying can cause a victim to feel upset, afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, and anxious."
The kiddos in foster care can tell you that they have been bullied much. From being that only kid in class who is a foster kid, or being the only kid in class who has to wear clothes that are worn out and used, and usually several sizes too big. They are picked on for being "different" which only makes the child feel even more different.
Not a single foster child in this country has ever raised their hand and asked the judge, "please oh please pick me to be a foster kid! I am so excited to be a foster child!" They didn't ask for this. They didn't want this. They didn't want to be moved into that foster home in the middle of the night, they didn't want to have the behaviors that have developed as a result of their abuse, neglect, etc. THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR IT!
Other people made that decision for them. They didn't get a chance to vote.
Imbalance of power.
Totally.
Intimidation?
Totally.
You can't just stand by and let it happen, can you? You can't just look the other way, can you?
NO bullying!
What exactly is bullying? I searched the internet for the definition.
http://www.wikepidia.com/
says this:
"Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".
Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation."
http://www.aboutschool.com/
says this:
"Bullying is intentional aggressive behavior. It can take the form of physical or verbal harassment and involves an imbalance of power (a group of children can gang up on a victim or someone who is physically bigger or more aggressive can intimidate someone else, for instance).
Bullying behavior can include teasing, insulting someone (particularly about their weight or height, race, sexuality, religion or other personal traits), shoving, hitting, excluding someone, or gossiping about someone.
Bullying can cause a victim to feel upset, afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, and anxious."
The kiddos in foster care can tell you that they have been bullied much. From being that only kid in class who is a foster kid, or being the only kid in class who has to wear clothes that are worn out and used, and usually several sizes too big. They are picked on for being "different" which only makes the child feel even more different.
Not a single foster child in this country has ever raised their hand and asked the judge, "please oh please pick me to be a foster kid! I am so excited to be a foster child!" They didn't ask for this. They didn't want this. They didn't want to be moved into that foster home in the middle of the night, they didn't want to have the behaviors that have developed as a result of their abuse, neglect, etc. THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR IT!
Other people made that decision for them. They didn't get a chance to vote.
Imbalance of power.
Totally.
Intimidation?
Totally.
You can't just stand by and let it happen, can you? You can't just look the other way, can you?
NO bullying!
Monday, January 16, 2012
thechildwithin
Chronologically, lovelygirl is eight years old.
Within those eight years, much has happened to her. Neglect. Abuse.
Some people can’t wrap their heads around this simple fact: When abuse happens, that child gets “stuck” at the age when it happened. Period.
So, imagine a little baby girl, lovelygirl. She is nonverbal and can’t ask for her needs to be met in sentences. She has to figure out a way to get adults attention. She cries fusses etc. In normal homes, with loving parents, they go and try to figure out what is wrong, what does their child need? Oh, she needs fed? Ok, feed her. She needs her diaper changed? Ok, change it. She needs rocked and hugged? Ok, rock her and hug her.
That didn’t always happen for lovelygirl.
Her biomom wasn’t around much. (Teen mom, drugs etc) She was left at grandma’s house a lot. Grandma had her own difficulties (drug addiction etc) Can you get the picture????
At those critical times in her young life, when she desperately needed nurturing, she wasn’t getting it. She wasn’t fed as often as she needed, she wasn’t changed as often as she needed, she wasn’t potty trained, she wasn’t soothed, she wasn’t rocked, and no one sang to her, no one loved her.
There are clues to this in small little things that lovelygirl does, without her even realizing it.
She does this little thing with her tongue, pursing her lips and slightly sucking her tongue. It is like there is an invisible binky in her mouth. (Personally, I am not a huge fan of binkies. Sorry to you who are, not trying to judge) I have seen my dachshund do the same thing when he is sleeping, like he is dreaming of nursing.
You can easily see that she has a need to self sooth with that. She also takes blankies, or her clothes or anything that moves, into her thumb and middle finger, rubbing it around over and over, not even realizing it. The action calms her, helps her relax.
It’s all about self soothing. Because as a baby, she didn’t get that soothing from adults. Of course I realize people can’t always run and pick up a child every time they cry. But normal kiddos go right through these stages because at a basic level, their needs are met. They don’t get stuck there.
The fact that she has some issues or behaviors that would seem to be developmentally very young indicates that something major happened at her during her nonverbal stages.
And yet, at a foster home she was at about a year ago, lovelygirl got into trouble all the time for doing this. Her foster mom would come in, after bio daughter “told on her” and “pop her in the mouth” for making noise that would keep the bio daughter awake. Did she ever stop to think that this child suffered severe neglect as a baby/toddler? Nope.
Instead of punishing a child for the unusual or what we think is “not normal” we NEED to stop and THINK. (We are the adults after all)
If they are stuck at an age, and have a need to do that (her action is not harming herself or others for crying out loud!) we NEED to NURTURE that little baby, or toddler who is inside the eight year old body.
I for one am happy to have that little child within rise to the surface and ask for her needs to be met! Since I didn’t get to be her mom biologically, I can at the very least NURTURE her where she is at in that moment.
So rocking her when she needs it; Letting her suck her tongue without making her stop; not making fun of her if she baby talks; not punishing her for say…sneaking a bite of the cookie left right in front of her face when she is told not to eat it; not punishing her for wetting the bed; and all these things allow her to go through the stage she missed going through as that baby/toddler.
Be the steady hands that help her, guide her…not the punishing hands that so many easily fall into being.
Nurture that child in the exact age they present to you. Savor it. Enjoy it. All too soon she will grow up and not need that anymore.
NURTURE
The child within.
Within those eight years, much has happened to her. Neglect. Abuse.
Some people can’t wrap their heads around this simple fact: When abuse happens, that child gets “stuck” at the age when it happened. Period.
So, imagine a little baby girl, lovelygirl. She is nonverbal and can’t ask for her needs to be met in sentences. She has to figure out a way to get adults attention. She cries fusses etc. In normal homes, with loving parents, they go and try to figure out what is wrong, what does their child need? Oh, she needs fed? Ok, feed her. She needs her diaper changed? Ok, change it. She needs rocked and hugged? Ok, rock her and hug her.
That didn’t always happen for lovelygirl.
Her biomom wasn’t around much. (Teen mom, drugs etc) She was left at grandma’s house a lot. Grandma had her own difficulties (drug addiction etc) Can you get the picture????
At those critical times in her young life, when she desperately needed nurturing, she wasn’t getting it. She wasn’t fed as often as she needed, she wasn’t changed as often as she needed, she wasn’t potty trained, she wasn’t soothed, she wasn’t rocked, and no one sang to her, no one loved her.
There are clues to this in small little things that lovelygirl does, without her even realizing it.
She does this little thing with her tongue, pursing her lips and slightly sucking her tongue. It is like there is an invisible binky in her mouth. (Personally, I am not a huge fan of binkies. Sorry to you who are, not trying to judge) I have seen my dachshund do the same thing when he is sleeping, like he is dreaming of nursing.
You can easily see that she has a need to self sooth with that. She also takes blankies, or her clothes or anything that moves, into her thumb and middle finger, rubbing it around over and over, not even realizing it. The action calms her, helps her relax.
It’s all about self soothing. Because as a baby, she didn’t get that soothing from adults. Of course I realize people can’t always run and pick up a child every time they cry. But normal kiddos go right through these stages because at a basic level, their needs are met. They don’t get stuck there.
The fact that she has some issues or behaviors that would seem to be developmentally very young indicates that something major happened at her during her nonverbal stages.
And yet, at a foster home she was at about a year ago, lovelygirl got into trouble all the time for doing this. Her foster mom would come in, after bio daughter “told on her” and “pop her in the mouth” for making noise that would keep the bio daughter awake. Did she ever stop to think that this child suffered severe neglect as a baby/toddler? Nope.
Instead of punishing a child for the unusual or what we think is “not normal” we NEED to stop and THINK. (We are the adults after all)
If they are stuck at an age, and have a need to do that (her action is not harming herself or others for crying out loud!) we NEED to NURTURE that little baby, or toddler who is inside the eight year old body.
I for one am happy to have that little child within rise to the surface and ask for her needs to be met! Since I didn’t get to be her mom biologically, I can at the very least NURTURE her where she is at in that moment.
So rocking her when she needs it; Letting her suck her tongue without making her stop; not making fun of her if she baby talks; not punishing her for say…sneaking a bite of the cookie left right in front of her face when she is told not to eat it; not punishing her for wetting the bed; and all these things allow her to go through the stage she missed going through as that baby/toddler.
Be the steady hands that help her, guide her…not the punishing hands that so many easily fall into being.
Nurture that child in the exact age they present to you. Savor it. Enjoy it. All too soon she will grow up and not need that anymore.
NURTURE
The child within.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Life is a bumpy road
Life is a bumpy road to be sure.
Sometimes you feel you are nanomillimeters from careening off the dirt road that barely seems carved from the rock cliffs.
Yesterday was like that for me.
I thought the road was fairly smooth, a few rocks here and there, until I came around a corner and there it lay...a nasty cavernous hole, stretching ominously before me. It had the look of a sinister grin.
Luckily, I screeched to a halt right before my tires went over the edge. When I got out and took a look, the vast depth seemed to pull me in.
Those low places in life can do that to you. Suck you in, pull you down, sit on top of you with the weight of a thousand bull elephants...suffocating you. I try and avoid them as much as I can, but somehow Murphy's law throws a few in your path when you least expect it.
Though I can't go into detail about the circumstances, let me tell you that I did not sit on the ground and wail to the heavens. I'm a survivor. I always try and see the best in each situation. I looked around and found a way to cross the chasm. A way to the other side. I said it before and I will say it again...if desire is the vehicle, then perserverance is the key. Dogged determination.
I know I face more obsticles before this race is done. I may not always go the route most traveled. I will not succumb to throwing sticks and spitting...and even if I don't finish the race first...I will finish it.
At the end of the day, when one obsticle tried to thwart me, another one loomed ahead. This time a death of a friend and classmate. He took his own life. Leaving behind a beautiful wife and two children.
It's hard to know which obsticles in life could bring you that low. I couldn't walk in his shoes, not even for a step. He lived his life, and I live mine. We make our own choices.
We chose each step we take the kind of person that we are.
My heart breaks that in his final moments, he couldn't find the will to survive...he let the blackness of the chasm pull him in.
Life is a bumpy road.
Sometimes you feel you are nanomillimeters from careening off the dirt road that barely seems carved from the rock cliffs.
Yesterday was like that for me.
I thought the road was fairly smooth, a few rocks here and there, until I came around a corner and there it lay...a nasty cavernous hole, stretching ominously before me. It had the look of a sinister grin.
Luckily, I screeched to a halt right before my tires went over the edge. When I got out and took a look, the vast depth seemed to pull me in.
Those low places in life can do that to you. Suck you in, pull you down, sit on top of you with the weight of a thousand bull elephants...suffocating you. I try and avoid them as much as I can, but somehow Murphy's law throws a few in your path when you least expect it.
Though I can't go into detail about the circumstances, let me tell you that I did not sit on the ground and wail to the heavens. I'm a survivor. I always try and see the best in each situation. I looked around and found a way to cross the chasm. A way to the other side. I said it before and I will say it again...if desire is the vehicle, then perserverance is the key. Dogged determination.
I know I face more obsticles before this race is done. I may not always go the route most traveled. I will not succumb to throwing sticks and spitting...and even if I don't finish the race first...I will finish it.
At the end of the day, when one obsticle tried to thwart me, another one loomed ahead. This time a death of a friend and classmate. He took his own life. Leaving behind a beautiful wife and two children.
It's hard to know which obsticles in life could bring you that low. I couldn't walk in his shoes, not even for a step. He lived his life, and I live mine. We make our own choices.
We chose each step we take the kind of person that we are.
My heart breaks that in his final moments, he couldn't find the will to survive...he let the blackness of the chasm pull him in.
Life is a bumpy road.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
a child's perspective
a perspective by an eight year old foster child (lovelygirl):
"I was laying on the bed thinking about Rosie (her kitten) and I was holding her. Remember that place where we stopped and you got chips and I got popcorn?"
I answered, "yes luv, I remember." (It was a foodmart at a gas station on our way back after visit with us)
"Well...I was holding Rosie and she wanted down and I put her down and she went over to the door. A man was by the door and I told him don't let her out! But he opened the door anyway, and Rosie sprinted out. A big truck was out there and almost hit her!"
I said, "That isn't good, we don't want anything to happen to Rosie!"
"Then another time I was laying in bed and I was thinking about Rosie again."
(this was definitely a good decision to get her a kitten now!)
"This time she was at the back door, and wanted to go outside and you opened the door and she sprinted outside. She ran across the street into the forest and you said, oh no, she might get eaten by hyenas!"
I asked gently,"Honey, are you worried something will happen to Rosie while you are up there?"
A huge breath. Anxious air escaping.
A quiet "Yes."
Knowing that this was a loaded story, I hesitated. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She wasn't just asking about Rosie. She wasn't just worried about the kitty getting lost.
She was worried about herself getting lost.
Would we send her out the door? Would we let the hyenas of the world get her?
I responded in a gentle, but firm voice,"Honey, we know you really love Rosie, so do we, and we don't want anything bad to happen to her either, just like we don't want anything bad to happen to you. I always pick her up when I let out the doggies, so that she won't escape out the door. We want Rosie to be here too, and we want YOU to be here even more!"
"Good!" a huge sigh of relief.
I could feel her smile through the phone, and I was wishing I could hold her close at that very moment.
She needs to know that she will finally be safe somewhere, a safe place to land. Parents who will love her and cherish her. Someone who won't let her sprint through the door, across the road into the forest, and let the big bad wolves get her. She's been let down too many times. People haven't been there for her when she was scared, when she felt alone.
sometimes kiddos tell you a story about a kitty, to let you know how they themselves are feeling. sometimes they use a barbie doll to tell you what has happened to them ib their past.
above all....LISTEN!!
her perspective
"I was laying on the bed thinking about Rosie (her kitten) and I was holding her. Remember that place where we stopped and you got chips and I got popcorn?"
I answered, "yes luv, I remember." (It was a foodmart at a gas station on our way back after visit with us)
"Well...I was holding Rosie and she wanted down and I put her down and she went over to the door. A man was by the door and I told him don't let her out! But he opened the door anyway, and Rosie sprinted out. A big truck was out there and almost hit her!"
I said, "That isn't good, we don't want anything to happen to Rosie!"
"Then another time I was laying in bed and I was thinking about Rosie again."
(this was definitely a good decision to get her a kitten now!)
"This time she was at the back door, and wanted to go outside and you opened the door and she sprinted outside. She ran across the street into the forest and you said, oh no, she might get eaten by hyenas!"
I asked gently,"Honey, are you worried something will happen to Rosie while you are up there?"
A huge breath. Anxious air escaping.
A quiet "Yes."
Knowing that this was a loaded story, I hesitated. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She wasn't just asking about Rosie. She wasn't just worried about the kitty getting lost.
She was worried about herself getting lost.
Would we send her out the door? Would we let the hyenas of the world get her?
I responded in a gentle, but firm voice,"Honey, we know you really love Rosie, so do we, and we don't want anything bad to happen to her either, just like we don't want anything bad to happen to you. I always pick her up when I let out the doggies, so that she won't escape out the door. We want Rosie to be here too, and we want YOU to be here even more!"
"Good!" a huge sigh of relief.
I could feel her smile through the phone, and I was wishing I could hold her close at that very moment.
She needs to know that she will finally be safe somewhere, a safe place to land. Parents who will love her and cherish her. Someone who won't let her sprint through the door, across the road into the forest, and let the big bad wolves get her. She's been let down too many times. People haven't been there for her when she was scared, when she felt alone.
sometimes kiddos tell you a story about a kitty, to let you know how they themselves are feeling. sometimes they use a barbie doll to tell you what has happened to them ib their past.
above all....LISTEN!!
her perspective
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
delaysdelaysdelays
Holidays have a way of messing with schedules.
Even the best laid plans can be delayed. Best intentions can't always hold plans together. Life brings unexpected avalanches to flow over the road to our goals, causing a pile of roadblocks, and added time to get to the goal.
Our lovelygirl is chomping at the bit to come live with us. We had a wonderful, bonding time over the holidays.
She left the cutest note for us:
“I hop(e) I get to live with you soon.
And plees(please) ask if the paperwork
is don(e)!!”
Unfortunately, that avalance landed smack in the middle of our plans.
Her caseworker had a family emergency, and wasn't even in the office through most of December. So, the ICPC never got filed when it was supposed to. (December 15)
Can't fault her for it, and don't.
Still, my heart is heavy as I grab the shovel and start digging my way through the mess.
She will get a new adoption caseworker assigned to her on the 12th of January, over a month since she was declared legally free.
We can't move forward on our end, and get approval etc from DHS until they have the copy of the ICPC in their hands.
Not giving up. My dogged determination will get me through it all.
Find out who that adoption worker is, (scoop, shovel, dig) light a fire under that worker's behind, (scoop, shovel, dig) be ready for our DHS worker to come here, (scoop, shovel, dig) be the pest that I can be and light more fires under whoever needs the push (scoop, shovel, dig) and let that snow fly behind me!
Delays are those avalanches. We can try to prepare as best we can. As adults, it's our jobs to set the example. But how do you do that when a little eight year old who lives in another state can't see what you are doing, or how you are reacting to the delays?
I get to talk to her Saturdays at 4:00pm.
lovelygirl, we are coming for you...digging our way through the mounds of paperwork, the avalanche of delays...to you! we are coming. hold on, baby. hold on.
delays
Even the best laid plans can be delayed. Best intentions can't always hold plans together. Life brings unexpected avalanches to flow over the road to our goals, causing a pile of roadblocks, and added time to get to the goal.
Our lovelygirl is chomping at the bit to come live with us. We had a wonderful, bonding time over the holidays.
She left the cutest note for us:
“I hop(e) I get to live with you soon.
And plees(please) ask if the paperwork
is don(e)!!”
Unfortunately, that avalance landed smack in the middle of our plans.
Her caseworker had a family emergency, and wasn't even in the office through most of December. So, the ICPC never got filed when it was supposed to. (December 15)
Can't fault her for it, and don't.
Still, my heart is heavy as I grab the shovel and start digging my way through the mess.
She will get a new adoption caseworker assigned to her on the 12th of January, over a month since she was declared legally free.
We can't move forward on our end, and get approval etc from DHS until they have the copy of the ICPC in their hands.
Not giving up. My dogged determination will get me through it all.
Find out who that adoption worker is, (scoop, shovel, dig) light a fire under that worker's behind, (scoop, shovel, dig) be ready for our DHS worker to come here, (scoop, shovel, dig) be the pest that I can be and light more fires under whoever needs the push (scoop, shovel, dig) and let that snow fly behind me!
Delays are those avalanches. We can try to prepare as best we can. As adults, it's our jobs to set the example. But how do you do that when a little eight year old who lives in another state can't see what you are doing, or how you are reacting to the delays?
I get to talk to her Saturdays at 4:00pm.
lovelygirl, we are coming for you...digging our way through the mounds of paperwork, the avalanche of delays...to you! we are coming. hold on, baby. hold on.
delays
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