Today I stopped by a pumpkin farm near Aurora with my son and his girlfriend. They had already been there with her family and picked their pumpkins, but they wanted me to see it and also to get some yummy pumpkin doughnuts...
It's hard to watch sometimes. The families with the younger kiddos running about, picking pumpkins and laughing with delight. I feel an angst. A longing.
Had really hoped that this year, I would have found my little girl and been able to share this experience with her. I found lovelygirl, but she isn't mine yet.
I look on, just an observer...still.
I know that lovelygirl got to go to a pumpkin patch, pick her pumpkin and go home and carve it.
And I missed it. No pictures of her with her pumpkin. Just wishful thinking.
Again.
I look on, just an observer...still.
Other families get to go and share this. Since my boys are grown and moved out, they usually end up doing these types of outings with their girlfriends.
Friends who do have younger kiddos don't ask me. Maybe pity? I hear about their outings, their excursions...and feel left out.
So, I am not in the exclusive "mom with a young kiddo" club.
I look on, just an observer...still.
Yes, angst rises. Sorrow invades, maybe even a touch of self pity? Can I be honest here?
I look on, just an observer...still.
wishful thinking.
lovelygirl and me
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
HopePerseverance
I got to talk to lovelygirl tonight on the phone.
She got on and said hello, and her sweet little voice crossed the miles between us, diving straight into my heart.
Someday soon, I hope to be hearing that voice and that laugh every day. I hope I never take it for granted. All the years wishing and hoping for this. I can't forget to take each day and feel blessed by her being here.
The little voice on one of my shoulders cautions me..."you haven't gotten through the TPR hearing yet...alot could happen...you might not get her you know."
Yes, I do know that. But life is about Hope. About Believing. About Persevering.
The voice from the other shoulder throws caution to the wind. It believes all things, hopes all things. There is reasoning, to be sure, but if you cave everytime some road block pops up, then you could miss out on the wonderful benefits awaiting you if you do persevere. Like lovelygirl.
If hope is the key, and perseverance is the vehicle, you can cross any mountain. Put 'er in 4 wheel drive and let 'er rip!
Lovelygirl happily chatted for a bit, and then I mentioned something about the zoo, where we had met her. She got very confused, and started listing the people that were there, and at the end of the sentence she listed "and the people who are going to adopt me."
Which of course floored me. She hadn't even realized who I was at all when she got on the phone and chatted away about school and what not. In her mind, I was probably just another one of those CASA workers that called countless times and wanted to know things.
It saddened me. Because of her world of chaos that she lives in. Being moved from foster family to foster family, having people give up on you. I wouldn't have expected her to recognize my name or voice yet...she barely knows me. No, my saddness isn't for me, it is for her.
Poor little sweet lovelygirl. So much has happened in your short life. Who can you count on, who can you believe in? What can you hope for? Who do you have that you can truly call YOURS?
After she realized who I was, she still remained chatty and talked about things, but I definitely get the impression she isn't ENTIRELY sure what ADOPTION means.
My heart aches for all the kiddos in foster system. They don't know when they are coming or going. They try to hold on to the fast moving train and gain footing somehow. Life is hard enough without all the added traumas and losses these kiddos endure.
I strengthen my resolve. I grit my teeth, and jut my jaw. My hands are clenched as I climb up into my ride. This ride wasn't built for smooth, easy transportation...this ride is made to climb the toughest hills and steepest terrain.
With HOPE as my key, and PERSEVERANCE as my ride I am ready to go. Ya gotta have both!
She got on and said hello, and her sweet little voice crossed the miles between us, diving straight into my heart.
Someday soon, I hope to be hearing that voice and that laugh every day. I hope I never take it for granted. All the years wishing and hoping for this. I can't forget to take each day and feel blessed by her being here.
The little voice on one of my shoulders cautions me..."you haven't gotten through the TPR hearing yet...alot could happen...you might not get her you know."
Yes, I do know that. But life is about Hope. About Believing. About Persevering.
The voice from the other shoulder throws caution to the wind. It believes all things, hopes all things. There is reasoning, to be sure, but if you cave everytime some road block pops up, then you could miss out on the wonderful benefits awaiting you if you do persevere. Like lovelygirl.
If hope is the key, and perseverance is the vehicle, you can cross any mountain. Put 'er in 4 wheel drive and let 'er rip!
Lovelygirl happily chatted for a bit, and then I mentioned something about the zoo, where we had met her. She got very confused, and started listing the people that were there, and at the end of the sentence she listed "and the people who are going to adopt me."
Which of course floored me. She hadn't even realized who I was at all when she got on the phone and chatted away about school and what not. In her mind, I was probably just another one of those CASA workers that called countless times and wanted to know things.
It saddened me. Because of her world of chaos that she lives in. Being moved from foster family to foster family, having people give up on you. I wouldn't have expected her to recognize my name or voice yet...she barely knows me. No, my saddness isn't for me, it is for her.
Poor little sweet lovelygirl. So much has happened in your short life. Who can you count on, who can you believe in? What can you hope for? Who do you have that you can truly call YOURS?
After she realized who I was, she still remained chatty and talked about things, but I definitely get the impression she isn't ENTIRELY sure what ADOPTION means.
My heart aches for all the kiddos in foster system. They don't know when they are coming or going. They try to hold on to the fast moving train and gain footing somehow. Life is hard enough without all the added traumas and losses these kiddos endure.
I strengthen my resolve. I grit my teeth, and jut my jaw. My hands are clenched as I climb up into my ride. This ride wasn't built for smooth, easy transportation...this ride is made to climb the toughest hills and steepest terrain.
With HOPE as my key, and PERSEVERANCE as my ride I am ready to go. Ya gotta have both!
rantsandraves
I don't begin to think that I understand even the slightest portion of "The System" they have in place for adopting foster kids.
Every state is different, and likely every county as well.
What exactly is an ICPC? What is it for? Why do they HAVE to have a 60 day leeway between the filing of the ICPC and when the child can actually be placed in your home?
Tons of questions. No answers.
Many of you may feel like you are alone in the process. I know I do. Curve balls come and when you try swinging wildly at them with a black blindfold on, you are doomed for failure!
Some ironic things about "The System" that I have seen:
1. They don't do any "transitioning period" when a child is moved from foster home to foster home. (Yes, I do understand that sometimes, it is almost an emergency move, and there just isn't time to make the transition slow and smooth for the kiddo/s involved.)
2. Paper work, paper trails, and overworked employees who don't want to put in any extra time make for a very sloooooooooooooooooooooooooow process. In the meantime, a child suffers.
3. If the judge spent even one week in that child's shoes, I am totally sure they would RUSH the process when they actually have an adoptive family in place for that kiddo.
4. It is generally SAID that a caseworker is to see a kiddo at least every 30 days. That doesn't always happen.
I know, I know. Poor overworked caseworkers/CASA workers etc. I DO feel for them. BUT, they all generally go home to a very different life when they clock out at 4:00 pm than the kids in foster care. Each day brings more of that hopelessness they can't escape.
"Plans" that work on paper don't always work in real life. Each case is different, each child is different.
How can I make a difference? It all seems too huge to process.
BIG HEAVY SIGH.
rants and raves.
Every state is different, and likely every county as well.
What exactly is an ICPC? What is it for? Why do they HAVE to have a 60 day leeway between the filing of the ICPC and when the child can actually be placed in your home?
Tons of questions. No answers.
Many of you may feel like you are alone in the process. I know I do. Curve balls come and when you try swinging wildly at them with a black blindfold on, you are doomed for failure!
Some ironic things about "The System" that I have seen:
1. They don't do any "transitioning period" when a child is moved from foster home to foster home. (Yes, I do understand that sometimes, it is almost an emergency move, and there just isn't time to make the transition slow and smooth for the kiddo/s involved.)
2. Paper work, paper trails, and overworked employees who don't want to put in any extra time make for a very sloooooooooooooooooooooooooow process. In the meantime, a child suffers.
3. If the judge spent even one week in that child's shoes, I am totally sure they would RUSH the process when they actually have an adoptive family in place for that kiddo.
4. It is generally SAID that a caseworker is to see a kiddo at least every 30 days. That doesn't always happen.
I know, I know. Poor overworked caseworkers/CASA workers etc. I DO feel for them. BUT, they all generally go home to a very different life when they clock out at 4:00 pm than the kids in foster care. Each day brings more of that hopelessness they can't escape.
"Plans" that work on paper don't always work in real life. Each case is different, each child is different.
How can I make a difference? It all seems too huge to process.
BIG HEAVY SIGH.
rants and raves.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
nanosecond
see the picture the most current blog post?
the picture of two hands, clasped?
that is me and my lovelygirl.
I can't post a picture of her, or say her name. But she is real. I met her. I fell head over heels for her.
enchanting. adorable. sweet. wonderful. beautiful. talented. mesmerizing.
lovelygirl is.
in that nanosecond that I saw her, my dreams were realized in the flesh.
she is real. she lives. she breathes. she smiles. she laughs. she sings. she plays. she runs. she giggles. she skips. she holds hands. she hugs. she is silly. she is funny. she is adorable. she is my lovelygirl.
it was hard to leave her there and come back home. she should have been in the car with us, singing our way back home.
she loves purple. and pink.
she isn't afraid of worms. holds them, lets them crawl over her arm. she held them tenderly then carefully let them go free.
she likes dollies, and dressing up, and doing puppet shows.
her laugh is infectious. she sings remarkably well for an untrained little girl.
she said she could swing all day. she climbs like a lil monkey.
she is my lovelygirl.
deliriously happy I am.
she is my lovelygirl. my luv. my girl.
I met her yesterday (we did) and spent time with her today in the park, in the sunshine. All the years waiting, the anguish, the pain...swept away in an enchanting afternoon.
enchanting. adorable. sweet. wonderful. beautiful. talented. mesmerizing.
lovelygirl is.
mine. in a nanosecond.
the picture of two hands, clasped?
that is me and my lovelygirl.
I can't post a picture of her, or say her name. But she is real. I met her. I fell head over heels for her.
enchanting. adorable. sweet. wonderful. beautiful. talented. mesmerizing.
lovelygirl is.
in that nanosecond that I saw her, my dreams were realized in the flesh.
she is real. she lives. she breathes. she smiles. she laughs. she sings. she plays. she runs. she giggles. she skips. she holds hands. she hugs. she is silly. she is funny. she is adorable. she is my lovelygirl.
it was hard to leave her there and come back home. she should have been in the car with us, singing our way back home.
she loves purple. and pink.
she isn't afraid of worms. holds them, lets them crawl over her arm. she held them tenderly then carefully let them go free.
she likes dollies, and dressing up, and doing puppet shows.
her laugh is infectious. she sings remarkably well for an untrained little girl.
she said she could swing all day. she climbs like a lil monkey.
she is my lovelygirl.
deliriously happy I am.
she is my lovelygirl. my luv. my girl.
I met her yesterday (we did) and spent time with her today in the park, in the sunshine. All the years waiting, the anguish, the pain...swept away in an enchanting afternoon.
enchanting. adorable. sweet. wonderful. beautiful. talented. mesmerizing.
lovelygirl is.
mine. in a nanosecond.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
restoration
I am weary.
My back aches. My spirit sags. I am utterly exhausted.
No, I haven't gotten our adopted child yet. So, no...not experiencing those kinds of weariness...yet.
I helped my youngest son rip out his carpet in his living room. He has purchased his house (at the tender age of 20) and wants to have the old hardwood restored to it's natural glory. So, being the mom that I am, I go help.
What possessed me to do this? :o)
Ripping out the carpet consisted of not only pulling up the old carpet and pad, but then finding a layer of linoleum under that, that was glued down something fierce, and then a particle board layer. All of which was nailed a BILLION times more than necessary!
We spent the entire day trying desperately to get the cats paw under all the junk and force up sections. Of course the particle board just crumbled. We forged on, banging the crow bar in, yanking, pulling, and sweating like little piglets.
Now it lay before us. Clear Vertical Grain Fir Flooring, straight from the early 1900's. I can see the potential lying before us...can my son? The top layer needs work STILL. It needs to have old remnants of paint taken off, all the staples pulled and any nails left pulled as well. It needs the holes all filled, and the entire floor sanded. Then, and only then, can we apply the new stain and finish...buffing the shine out into the tired old floor.
Iv'e done it before, so I know it can be done. It's alot of work, and back breaking work too. The end result will justify all the labor. It's a great lesson for my son to learn. Sometimes a thing of beauty requires a heck of a lot of work to make it shine! Especially if it has been neglected and abused all of it's life.
Much like the foster kids. There may be many, many layers we have to uncover over time. Some of it will test our patience to the limit. Some will require brute strength to make it through the day.
We have to be able to see the potential, lying there, beneath the ruined shell. The broken child. Underneath it all, in the core of their being, they hold the tiny flame of hope. Some of what we see won't be pretty. Alot will shock us. Most will change us.
Be patient. Continue working on the layers, bit by bit. Once all the filth and garbage is removed, you will see them. The true child within. The one that desperately wants out. The one that needs us to lovingly help them discard their pain and baggage, or at least put in the proper place. You can't change the past, and what was done to damage the child. You can help them shine again.
So, into the hot tub for a little R & R. Sleep, rest, and restore. Plug in the battery re-charger. Then start again anew tomorrow.
restoration.
My back aches. My spirit sags. I am utterly exhausted.
No, I haven't gotten our adopted child yet. So, no...not experiencing those kinds of weariness...yet.
I helped my youngest son rip out his carpet in his living room. He has purchased his house (at the tender age of 20) and wants to have the old hardwood restored to it's natural glory. So, being the mom that I am, I go help.
What possessed me to do this? :o)
Ripping out the carpet consisted of not only pulling up the old carpet and pad, but then finding a layer of linoleum under that, that was glued down something fierce, and then a particle board layer. All of which was nailed a BILLION times more than necessary!
We spent the entire day trying desperately to get the cats paw under all the junk and force up sections. Of course the particle board just crumbled. We forged on, banging the crow bar in, yanking, pulling, and sweating like little piglets.
Now it lay before us. Clear Vertical Grain Fir Flooring, straight from the early 1900's. I can see the potential lying before us...can my son? The top layer needs work STILL. It needs to have old remnants of paint taken off, all the staples pulled and any nails left pulled as well. It needs the holes all filled, and the entire floor sanded. Then, and only then, can we apply the new stain and finish...buffing the shine out into the tired old floor.
Iv'e done it before, so I know it can be done. It's alot of work, and back breaking work too. The end result will justify all the labor. It's a great lesson for my son to learn. Sometimes a thing of beauty requires a heck of a lot of work to make it shine! Especially if it has been neglected and abused all of it's life.
Much like the foster kids. There may be many, many layers we have to uncover over time. Some of it will test our patience to the limit. Some will require brute strength to make it through the day.
We have to be able to see the potential, lying there, beneath the ruined shell. The broken child. Underneath it all, in the core of their being, they hold the tiny flame of hope. Some of what we see won't be pretty. Alot will shock us. Most will change us.
Be patient. Continue working on the layers, bit by bit. Once all the filth and garbage is removed, you will see them. The true child within. The one that desperately wants out. The one that needs us to lovingly help them discard their pain and baggage, or at least put in the proper place. You can't change the past, and what was done to damage the child. You can help them shine again.
So, into the hot tub for a little R & R. Sleep, rest, and restore. Plug in the battery re-charger. Then start again anew tomorrow.
restoration.
Monday, October 10, 2011
fourdays
Countdown.
4, 3, 2, 1.
Yes, 4 days until we meet lovelygirl.
We did find out that she will know about us. She will be told we are a "Maybe" family.
I get that. Don't want to crush a young heart that has already been so crushed.
Hope her week is going ok. We haven't gotten anymore updates from her foster mom.
Good sign? Hope so!
4 days! I am uber excited. I will get to hear her voice, see her real face, maybe even get a hug! I will know her sizes she wears and more about her!
4 days.
4 days.
4, 3, 2, 1.
Yes, 4 days until we meet lovelygirl.
We did find out that she will know about us. She will be told we are a "Maybe" family.
I get that. Don't want to crush a young heart that has already been so crushed.
Hope her week is going ok. We haven't gotten anymore updates from her foster mom.
Good sign? Hope so!
4 days! I am uber excited. I will get to hear her voice, see her real face, maybe even get a hug! I will know her sizes she wears and more about her!
4 days.
4 days.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
morewaiting
Not meeting lovelygirl this Saturday.
Changed.
Changed to October 14th.
Good news we will get to meet her at the zoo. How fun is that? A great icebreaker too! Instantly things to talk about: Did you see that giraffe? Wow he has a long neck, huh? Oh, look at that baby elephant, isn't he a sweetie? etc Less awkward moments.
I volunteered a while back at an event for foster kids, where they make movie clips of them for things like Wednesday's child etc. The event took place at the zoo near Portland. Fun day. I got to meet some foster kiddos and have a chance to see them acting pretty much like themselves. A very learning experience.
Hopefully, lovelygirl will let her guard down at least a few times, so we can catch a glimpse of "her."
She will know about us by then. I wonder when she will be told that there is a family who wants her. How will she feel? Happy? Sad? Both? In order to start a new chapter, you have to turn the page in the story. Turning the page means leaving parts behind.
Oh, lovelgirl. We don't want you to lose who you are. We just want you to be in a real family and experience security and safeness and eventually...love.
I will try and stay positive about the delay in meeting her. Though I am worried about her in this foster home. My intuitions want to run up there and bring her home as fast as I can!
This gives me time to be more ready for her.
Complete the parenting plan. Check.
Contact schools. Check.
Find a good Physician. Check.
Those types of things.
all while waiting.
Changed.
Changed to October 14th.
Good news we will get to meet her at the zoo. How fun is that? A great icebreaker too! Instantly things to talk about: Did you see that giraffe? Wow he has a long neck, huh? Oh, look at that baby elephant, isn't he a sweetie? etc Less awkward moments.
I volunteered a while back at an event for foster kids, where they make movie clips of them for things like Wednesday's child etc. The event took place at the zoo near Portland. Fun day. I got to meet some foster kiddos and have a chance to see them acting pretty much like themselves. A very learning experience.
Hopefully, lovelygirl will let her guard down at least a few times, so we can catch a glimpse of "her."
She will know about us by then. I wonder when she will be told that there is a family who wants her. How will she feel? Happy? Sad? Both? In order to start a new chapter, you have to turn the page in the story. Turning the page means leaving parts behind.
Oh, lovelgirl. We don't want you to lose who you are. We just want you to be in a real family and experience security and safeness and eventually...love.
I will try and stay positive about the delay in meeting her. Though I am worried about her in this foster home. My intuitions want to run up there and bring her home as fast as I can!
This gives me time to be more ready for her.
Complete the parenting plan. Check.
Contact schools. Check.
Find a good Physician. Check.
Those types of things.
all while waiting.
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