thechildwithin

Chronologically, lovelygirl is eight years old.


Within those eight years, much has happened to her. Neglect. Abuse.

Some people can’t wrap their heads around this simple fact: When abuse happens, that child gets “stuck” at the age when it happened. Period.

So, imagine a little baby girl, lovelygirl. She is nonverbal and can’t ask for her needs to be met in sentences. She has to figure out a way to get adults attention. She cries fusses etc. In normal homes, with loving parents, they go and try to figure out what is wrong, what does their child need? Oh, she needs fed? Ok, feed her. She needs her diaper changed? Ok, change it. She needs rocked and hugged? Ok, rock her and hug her.

That didn’t always happen for lovelygirl.

Her biomom wasn’t around much. (Teen mom, drugs etc) She was left at grandma’s house a lot. Grandma had her own difficulties (drug addiction etc) Can you get the picture????

At those critical times in her young life, when she desperately needed nurturing, she wasn’t getting it. She wasn’t fed as often as she needed, she wasn’t changed as often as she needed, she wasn’t potty trained, she wasn’t soothed, she wasn’t rocked, and no one sang to her, no one loved her.

There are clues to this in small little things that lovelygirl does, without her even realizing it.

She does this little thing with her tongue, pursing her lips and slightly sucking her tongue. It is like there is an invisible binky in her mouth. (Personally, I am not a huge fan of binkies. Sorry to you who are, not trying to judge) I have seen my dachshund do the same thing when he is sleeping, like he is dreaming of nursing.

You can easily see that she has a need to self sooth with that. She also takes blankies, or her clothes or anything that moves, into her thumb and middle finger, rubbing it around over and over, not even realizing it. The action calms her, helps her relax.

It’s all about self soothing. Because as a baby, she didn’t get that soothing from adults. Of course I realize people can’t always run and pick up a child every time they cry. But normal kiddos go right through these stages because at a basic level, their needs are met. They don’t get stuck there.

The fact that she has some issues or behaviors that would seem to be developmentally very young indicates that something major happened at her during her nonverbal stages.

And yet, at a foster home she was at about a year ago, lovelygirl got into trouble all the time for doing this. Her foster mom would come in, after bio daughter “told on her” and “pop her in the mouth” for making noise that would keep the bio daughter awake. Did she ever stop to think that this child suffered severe neglect as a baby/toddler? Nope.

Instead of punishing a child for the unusual or what we think is “not normal” we NEED to stop and THINK. (We are the adults after all)

If they are stuck at an age, and have a need to do that (her action is not harming herself or others for crying out loud!) we NEED to NURTURE that little baby, or toddler who is inside the eight year old body.

I for one am happy to have that little child within rise to the surface and ask for her needs to be met! Since I didn’t get to be her mom biologically, I can at the very least NURTURE her where she is at in that moment.

So rocking her when she needs it; Letting her suck her tongue without making her stop; not making fun of her if she baby talks; not punishing her for say…sneaking a bite of the cookie left right in front of her face when she is told not to eat it; not punishing her for wetting the bed; and all these things allow her to go through the stage she missed going through as that baby/toddler.

Be the steady hands that help her, guide her…not the punishing hands that so many easily fall into being.

Nurture that child in the exact age they present to you. Savor it. Enjoy it. All too soon she will grow up and not need that anymore.

NURTURE

The child within.