It didn't work out.
"A" and us. Not even close.
Here I was, trying to hammer in a puzzle piece that didn't even belong into that spot, shoving the corners down, forcing it to fit.
It just plain didn't.
I ache in my heart for that little girl.
Now we are on her list of people who let her down. It saddens me more than any of you reading this will ever know.
I need to know what to do different next time.
Less expectations? Better reading between the lines prior?
If we would have known all of it before hand, we wouldn't have let her come over. Let her get her hopes up...as well as ours.
It didn't work.
I felt like a failure at first.
I wasn't completely honest with myself, nor was my husband, "S" on what we could actually deal with.
"A" needs a mom just like her foster mom. I'm just not tough enough or hard enough.
It is what the adoption journey is about, is it not?
Ups and downs. Did I really think I would find the perfect girl on the first try?
I guess I did.
I learned a great deal about myself.
I'm not giving up.
There is a girl out there for us.
She is waiting...still.
We are waiting...still.
Ups and downs. Twists and turns.
Don't give up.
lovelygirl and me
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
needsandbridges
One of the important things we learned in the classes that we were required to take for adopting is what they call, "The Attachement Cycle."
For these kids, who come out of the foster system, attaching takes on a whole new meaning. They aren't just going to give their heart away, over and over, each time they are moved to another home. No way. They are going to carefully tuck that love away, keep it guarded.
So, how do you get them to love you? To attach to you?
Even if they don't have Reactive Attachment Disorder, which is a huge "LABEL" to put on any child, there will be attachment issues. Can you blame them?
In class we learned that in order to build the bridge of attachment, you need to meet their basic needs first and foremost.
NEEDS.
Necessities for growth. They need their physical needs met. By this, I mean health, food and warmth. Shelter. This may seem very basic, but some of these kids who were neglected never had that.
They need to feel secure, safe and protected. "A" has already mentioned she needs a family who will protect her.
They need to belong. To feel like they are actually a part of the family. I can't tell you how many stories I have heard of foster parents going on their "family vacation" who leave the foster kids behind at a respite home. How can that make a child feel like they belong? It doesn't.
Unconditional acceptance. They need to be accepted for who they are at that very moment. Unconditionally. Even if they are throwing a fit, they need to know that you still love them and accept them at that moment.
They need to be affirmed of their self worth, over and over again. Maybe forever.
Trust. Never promise anything to them that you will not completely follow through with.
If those basic needs are not met, they cannot attach. They can't trust you, they can't love you. They will have a whole in their heart that they will keep trying to fill with things, or with bad attention.
So, when a fit arrives, it's a perfect time to begin that bridge to attachment.
Instead of looking at the "action" whether it is screaming, or kicking, or slapping or swearing. Look BEYOND the action, and ask yourself, "What is their NEED at this moment?"
When a newborn baby enters the world, they are completely dependent on their parents or the adults in their lives. They have to learn how to communicate their needs, to get it across to the adult, and get their need met.
Generally, it begins, with what they taught us in class, as "Arrousal." What does arrousal look like in a newborn?
You got it, they cry. Let me tell you, they learn pretty quickly that if they cry, someone comes running and does their very best to take care of the need. Sometimes it's a guessing game...do they need their diaper changed or do they have gas, and need to be burped? Maybe they are hungry again, or maybe they need rocked to sleep.
Alot of foster kids learned early on that no one will come running to meet their needs, and they eventually give up. That is what the teacher called, "The Empty Glass Kids." They believe they were brought on this earth to meet everyone else's needs, but their own needs mean nothing.
Sad, huh?
If you meet the infant's needs, what happens? They relax. They fall asleep. They feel safe and secure. They want for nothing. (Until the next feeding time!)
The same falls true for foster kids. They don't necessarily know how to communicate their needs to you. Sometimes it will be a guessing game. What exactly does this child need?
"A" had a meltdown at her foster home today. It was after I had already called her and talked to her. She sounded happy while I talked to her, and her morning was going well at that point.
A half hour later, her foster mom called and said she was throwing a fit, and could I talk to her.
I said, "Sure! Of course!"
The bridge began at that moment. Carefully, tread carefully. Build each step slowly and surely, so it will not crumble and fall apart. Tentatively, I began to meet some of the small needs she had. Someone to listen. Someone to care. Someone to accept her just as she was.
I don't want a perfect child. I want a REAL child. She needed to know that she didn't need to be perfect, I still want her. I showed her that. And she calmed down. From crying hysterically, to talking normally with me.
The bridge may be a very long one. It might take awhile to get all the way acrossed. One small step towards her began today. A step I will cherish. I can be patient. It's too important not to be patient. "A" NEEDS me to be patient, and so I will.
A bridge to her, a bridge to "A's" heart.
For these kids, who come out of the foster system, attaching takes on a whole new meaning. They aren't just going to give their heart away, over and over, each time they are moved to another home. No way. They are going to carefully tuck that love away, keep it guarded.
So, how do you get them to love you? To attach to you?
Even if they don't have Reactive Attachment Disorder, which is a huge "LABEL" to put on any child, there will be attachment issues. Can you blame them?
In class we learned that in order to build the bridge of attachment, you need to meet their basic needs first and foremost.
NEEDS.
Necessities for growth. They need their physical needs met. By this, I mean health, food and warmth. Shelter. This may seem very basic, but some of these kids who were neglected never had that.
They need to feel secure, safe and protected. "A" has already mentioned she needs a family who will protect her.
They need to belong. To feel like they are actually a part of the family. I can't tell you how many stories I have heard of foster parents going on their "family vacation" who leave the foster kids behind at a respite home. How can that make a child feel like they belong? It doesn't.
Unconditional acceptance. They need to be accepted for who they are at that very moment. Unconditionally. Even if they are throwing a fit, they need to know that you still love them and accept them at that moment.
They need to be affirmed of their self worth, over and over again. Maybe forever.
Trust. Never promise anything to them that you will not completely follow through with.
If those basic needs are not met, they cannot attach. They can't trust you, they can't love you. They will have a whole in their heart that they will keep trying to fill with things, or with bad attention.
So, when a fit arrives, it's a perfect time to begin that bridge to attachment.
Instead of looking at the "action" whether it is screaming, or kicking, or slapping or swearing. Look BEYOND the action, and ask yourself, "What is their NEED at this moment?"
When a newborn baby enters the world, they are completely dependent on their parents or the adults in their lives. They have to learn how to communicate their needs, to get it across to the adult, and get their need met.
Generally, it begins, with what they taught us in class, as "Arrousal." What does arrousal look like in a newborn?
You got it, they cry. Let me tell you, they learn pretty quickly that if they cry, someone comes running and does their very best to take care of the need. Sometimes it's a guessing game...do they need their diaper changed or do they have gas, and need to be burped? Maybe they are hungry again, or maybe they need rocked to sleep.
Alot of foster kids learned early on that no one will come running to meet their needs, and they eventually give up. That is what the teacher called, "The Empty Glass Kids." They believe they were brought on this earth to meet everyone else's needs, but their own needs mean nothing.
Sad, huh?
If you meet the infant's needs, what happens? They relax. They fall asleep. They feel safe and secure. They want for nothing. (Until the next feeding time!)
The same falls true for foster kids. They don't necessarily know how to communicate their needs to you. Sometimes it will be a guessing game. What exactly does this child need?
"A" had a meltdown at her foster home today. It was after I had already called her and talked to her. She sounded happy while I talked to her, and her morning was going well at that point.
A half hour later, her foster mom called and said she was throwing a fit, and could I talk to her.
I said, "Sure! Of course!"
The bridge began at that moment. Carefully, tread carefully. Build each step slowly and surely, so it will not crumble and fall apart. Tentatively, I began to meet some of the small needs she had. Someone to listen. Someone to care. Someone to accept her just as she was.
I don't want a perfect child. I want a REAL child. She needed to know that she didn't need to be perfect, I still want her. I showed her that. And she calmed down. From crying hysterically, to talking normally with me.
The bridge may be a very long one. It might take awhile to get all the way acrossed. One small step towards her began today. A step I will cherish. I can be patient. It's too important not to be patient. "A" NEEDS me to be patient, and so I will.
A bridge to her, a bridge to "A's" heart.
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