ICPC process

When I began this arduous journey, the journey of adoption--many of the processes that you have to go through were just a blurry unreadable line at the end of pages and pages of more exciting things; things like how to search online for waiting children for example. 

I don't even recall hearing the acronym ICPC. Ever.

Maybe there are some of you out there who haven't heard of it either. If you adopt a child within your own state, you might not ever hear it.

The child we chose is from another state. Washington State. And so, when our lovelygirl became legally free, they had to start the ICPC process.  Depending on who is in charge of sending or receiving the documents, you may be looking at a process that could take under 30 days to accomplish, or up to 90 days.

Because of delays, ours will take longer. Paperwork sat on a desk, waiting for "protocol" to be completed with no one even checking on it for almost 2 weeks. Those essential tasks were finally done, and it began moving again...but another hiccup could stop it in it's tracks.

We've come to accept this. Patience is a virtue, right?

So, I thought I might give you all a looksy at how the process MIGHT take if you decide to adopt from another state. If you do, be ready to be schooled in the art of patience!

If you are like me, and like to be a part of helping the process along, forget it...you have no control!

So here it is; a shortened version:

• Documents are filed with sending state’s ICPC. They review it and make a request to their DSHS contracts office to modify contract for post placement supervision, adding the child.

• A Purchase of Service (POS) has to be sent to receiving state’s ICPC, signed and sent back.

• ICPC sends the docs on to receiving state’s ICPC. They review it and make a request to appropriate county DHS to certify you for foster care.

• The contracts office will contact agency’s office and both sign a modified contract.

• Your county DHS will call you and set up a time for a certifier to come out to your home.

• They may also run a new background check, and you may need to be fingerprinted again.

• The contracts office will notify sending state’s ICPC when the new contract is in place.

• Your county DHS will notify receiving state’s ICPC when the foster certification study is complete.

• In the meantime, there is nothing to prevent more visits between you and your child.

• Receiving state’s ICPC will sign their approval of the placement.

• Sending state’s ICPC will sign their approval of the placement.

• Receiving state’s ICPC notifies you.

• You go get your child/children and bring him/her/them home!

So, where are WE at in this process??? Lovelygirl was declared legally free on December 7th. Holidays stopped the process in it's tracks. Other delays caused more hiccups. One was that the POS couldn't be sent because our lovelygirl was never put on the WARE list. Another hiccup came when lovelygirl had to be moved to a new foster home. (won't EVEN go there!)
 
We are only on the third bulletin!
 
Suffice it to say, I am learning much patience, but through it all, our hearts remain firm in the resolve to bring our lovelygirl home. She is ours! Time won't change that!
 
So, take THAT you ICPC process!  (smile)

SAY NO TO BULLYING!!

Bullying comes in all different shapes, sizes and forms.

What exactly is bullying? I searched the internet for the definition.

http://www.wikepidia.com/
 says this:

"Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".


Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation."


http://www.aboutschool.com/ 
says this:
"Bullying is intentional aggressive behavior. It can take the form of physical or verbal harassment and involves an imbalance of power (a group of children can gang up on a victim or someone who is physically bigger or more aggressive can intimidate someone else, for instance).
Bullying behavior can include teasing, insulting someone (particularly about their weight or height, race, sexuality, religion or other personal traits), shoving, hitting, excluding someone, or gossiping about someone.
Bullying can cause a victim to feel upset, afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, and anxious."
 
The kiddos in foster care can tell you that they have been bullied much.  From being that only kid in class who is a foster kid, or being the only kid in class who has to wear clothes that are worn out and used, and usually several sizes too big.  They are picked on for being "different" which only makes the child feel even more different.
 
Not a single foster child in this country has ever raised their hand and asked the judge, "please oh please pick me to be a foster kid! I am so excited to be a foster child!"  They didn't ask for this. They didn't want this. They didn't want to be moved into that foster home in the middle of the night, they didn't want to have the behaviors that have developed as a result of their abuse, neglect, etc. THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR IT! 
 
Other people made that decision for them. They didn't get a chance to vote.
 
Imbalance of power.
 
Totally.

Intimidation?

Totally.
 
You can't just stand by and let it happen, can you?  You can't just look the other way, can you?
 
NO bullying!

thechildwithin

Chronologically, lovelygirl is eight years old.


Within those eight years, much has happened to her. Neglect. Abuse.

Some people can’t wrap their heads around this simple fact: When abuse happens, that child gets “stuck” at the age when it happened. Period.

So, imagine a little baby girl, lovelygirl. She is nonverbal and can’t ask for her needs to be met in sentences. She has to figure out a way to get adults attention. She cries fusses etc. In normal homes, with loving parents, they go and try to figure out what is wrong, what does their child need? Oh, she needs fed? Ok, feed her. She needs her diaper changed? Ok, change it. She needs rocked and hugged? Ok, rock her and hug her.

That didn’t always happen for lovelygirl.

Her biomom wasn’t around much. (Teen mom, drugs etc) She was left at grandma’s house a lot. Grandma had her own difficulties (drug addiction etc) Can you get the picture????

At those critical times in her young life, when she desperately needed nurturing, she wasn’t getting it. She wasn’t fed as often as she needed, she wasn’t changed as often as she needed, she wasn’t potty trained, she wasn’t soothed, she wasn’t rocked, and no one sang to her, no one loved her.

There are clues to this in small little things that lovelygirl does, without her even realizing it.

She does this little thing with her tongue, pursing her lips and slightly sucking her tongue. It is like there is an invisible binky in her mouth. (Personally, I am not a huge fan of binkies. Sorry to you who are, not trying to judge) I have seen my dachshund do the same thing when he is sleeping, like he is dreaming of nursing.

You can easily see that she has a need to self sooth with that. She also takes blankies, or her clothes or anything that moves, into her thumb and middle finger, rubbing it around over and over, not even realizing it. The action calms her, helps her relax.

It’s all about self soothing. Because as a baby, she didn’t get that soothing from adults. Of course I realize people can’t always run and pick up a child every time they cry. But normal kiddos go right through these stages because at a basic level, their needs are met. They don’t get stuck there.

The fact that she has some issues or behaviors that would seem to be developmentally very young indicates that something major happened at her during her nonverbal stages.

And yet, at a foster home she was at about a year ago, lovelygirl got into trouble all the time for doing this. Her foster mom would come in, after bio daughter “told on her” and “pop her in the mouth” for making noise that would keep the bio daughter awake. Did she ever stop to think that this child suffered severe neglect as a baby/toddler? Nope.

Instead of punishing a child for the unusual or what we think is “not normal” we NEED to stop and THINK. (We are the adults after all)

If they are stuck at an age, and have a need to do that (her action is not harming herself or others for crying out loud!) we NEED to NURTURE that little baby, or toddler who is inside the eight year old body.

I for one am happy to have that little child within rise to the surface and ask for her needs to be met! Since I didn’t get to be her mom biologically, I can at the very least NURTURE her where she is at in that moment.

So rocking her when she needs it; Letting her suck her tongue without making her stop; not making fun of her if she baby talks; not punishing her for say…sneaking a bite of the cookie left right in front of her face when she is told not to eat it; not punishing her for wetting the bed; and all these things allow her to go through the stage she missed going through as that baby/toddler.

Be the steady hands that help her, guide her…not the punishing hands that so many easily fall into being.

Nurture that child in the exact age they present to you. Savor it. Enjoy it. All too soon she will grow up and not need that anymore.

NURTURE

The child within.

Life is a bumpy road

Life is a bumpy road to be sure.

Sometimes you feel you are nanomillimeters from careening off the dirt road that barely seems carved from the rock cliffs.

Yesterday was like that for me.

I thought the road was fairly smooth, a few rocks here and there, until I came around a corner and there it lay...a nasty cavernous hole, stretching ominously before me.  It had the look of a sinister grin.

Luckily, I screeched to a halt right before my tires went over the edge.  When I got out and took a look, the vast depth seemed to pull me in.

Those low places in life can do that to you.  Suck you in, pull you down, sit on top of you with the weight of a thousand bull elephants...suffocating you.  I try and avoid them as much as I can, but somehow Murphy's law throws a few in your path when you least expect it.

Though I can't go into detail about the circumstances, let me tell you that I did not sit on the ground and wail to the heavens. I'm a survivor. I always try and see the best in each situation.  I looked around and found a way to cross the chasm.  A way to the other side. I said it before and I will say it again...if desire is the vehicle, then perserverance is the key.  Dogged determination.

I know I face more obsticles before this race is done. I may not always go the route most traveled. I will not succumb to throwing sticks and spitting...and even if I don't finish the race first...I will finish it.

At the end of the day, when one obsticle tried to thwart me, another one loomed ahead. This time a death of a friend and classmate. He took his own life. Leaving behind a beautiful wife and two children.

It's hard to know which obsticles in life could bring you that low. I couldn't walk in his shoes, not even for a step. He lived his life, and I live mine. We make our own choices.

We chose each step we take the kind of person that we are. 

My heart breaks that in his final moments, he couldn't find the will to survive...he let the blackness of the chasm pull him in.

Life is a bumpy road.

a child's perspective

a perspective by an eight year old foster child (lovelygirl):

"I was laying on the bed thinking about Rosie (her kitten) and I was holding her. Remember that place where we stopped and you got chips and I got popcorn?"

I answered, "yes luv, I remember." (It was a foodmart at a gas station on our way back after visit with us)

"Well...I was holding Rosie and she wanted down and I put her down and she went over to the door. A man was by the door and I told him don't let her out! But he opened the door anyway, and Rosie sprinted out. A big truck was out there and almost hit her!"

I said, "That isn't good, we don't want anything to happen to Rosie!"

"Then another time I was laying in bed and I was thinking about Rosie again."

(this was definitely a good decision to get her a kitten now!)

"This time she was at the back door, and wanted to go outside and you opened the door and she sprinted outside.  She ran across the street into the forest and you said, oh no, she might get eaten by hyenas!"

I asked gently,"Honey, are you worried something will happen to Rosie while you are up there?"

A huge breath. Anxious air escaping.

A quiet "Yes."

Knowing that this was a loaded story, I hesitated.  It hit me like a ton of bricks. She wasn't just asking about Rosie. She wasn't just worried about the kitty getting lost.

She was worried about herself getting lost.

Would we send her out the door? Would we let the hyenas of the world get her?

I responded in a gentle, but firm voice,"Honey, we know you really love Rosie, so do we, and we don't want anything bad to happen to her either, just like we don't want anything bad to happen to you.  I always pick her up when I let out the doggies, so that she won't escape out the door. We want Rosie to be here too, and we want YOU to be here even more!"

"Good!" a huge sigh of relief.

I could feel her smile through the phone, and I was wishing I could hold her close at that very moment.

She needs to know that she will finally be safe somewhere, a safe place to land. Parents who will love her and cherish her. Someone who won't let her sprint through the door, across the road into the forest, and let the big bad wolves get her. She's been let down too many times. People haven't been there for her when she was scared, when she felt alone.

sometimes kiddos tell you a story about a kitty, to let you know how they themselves are feeling. sometimes they use a barbie doll to tell you what has happened to them ib their past.

above all....LISTEN!!

her perspective

delaysdelaysdelays

Holidays have a way of messing with schedules.

Even the best laid plans can be delayed.  Best intentions can't always hold plans together. Life brings unexpected avalanches to flow over the road to our goals, causing a pile of roadblocks, and added time to get to the goal.

Our lovelygirl is chomping at the bit to come live with us. We had a wonderful, bonding time over the holidays.

She left the cutest note for us:

“I hop(e) I get to live with you soon.



And plees(please) ask if the paperwork


is don(e)!!”

Unfortunately, that avalance landed smack in the middle of our plans.
 
Her caseworker had a family emergency, and wasn't even in the office through most of December.  So, the ICPC never got filed when it was supposed to. (December 15)
 
Can't fault her for it, and don't.
 
Still, my heart is heavy as I grab the shovel and start digging my way through the mess.
 
She will get a new adoption caseworker assigned to her on the 12th of January, over a month since she was declared legally free.
 
We can't move forward on our end, and get approval etc from DHS until they have the copy of the ICPC in their hands.
 
Not giving up.  My dogged determination will get me through it all.
 
Find out who that adoption worker is, (scoop, shovel, dig) light a fire under that worker's behind, (scoop, shovel, dig) be ready for our DHS worker to come here, (scoop, shovel, dig) be the pest that I can be and light more fires under whoever needs the push (scoop, shovel, dig) and let that snow fly behind me!
 
Delays are those avalanches. We can try to prepare as best we can.  As adults, it's our jobs to set the example. But how do you do that when a little eight year old who lives in another state can't see what you are doing, or how you are reacting to the delays?
 
I get to talk to her Saturdays at 4:00pm.
 
lovelygirl, we are coming for you...digging our way through the mounds of paperwork, the avalanche of delays...to you! we are coming. hold on, baby. hold on.
 
delays