patiencepatiencepatience

Sigh.
I am trying hard to be patient. I really am.
It's so hard to have no control over something so important. At least not in this part of the roller coaster ride.
No one said adoption would be easy.
I just thought it was going to be when I first started this procedure. I thought I would be the nontypical one, the one who found a child right away, and was approved.
I thought I might have a child by Christmas for sure!
Now?
Not so sure. Not so sure.
So, we sent in another homestudy. This time for a 6 yr old girl, whose name starts with a "D." Ohhhh so cute.
Funny how I can totally picture each of these possibilities in our home, in our family.
I can picture myself tucking in the two little ones, the asian sisters, reading to them, coloring with them, kissing them goodnight. Totally.
Yet, I can also picture listening to the new "A" play her violin, and having soulful talks with her, then running her down to a soccer game and cheering her on!
The same with little 6 yr old "D" she loves camping, fishing, and playing outside. She also loves coloring and dolls. I can picture her running around the yard, with our doggies, playing; and laying on the floor coloring pictures of fairies and horses.
Am I that fickle?
I like to think that I am remaining open.
Open to the possibilities that exist.
Not stuck on one girl, like I was before.
Good. I learned something. That's important.
Now to learn patience.
Patience, patience...and more patience.
As I wait.

dreamsslippingaway

I don't know what to do.

There may be a chance that the whole fiasco with "A" will hurt our chances to ever adopt a girl. How can this be?

Ten years ago, I had a room all painted, and ready. A bed made with a handmade quilt I stitched with love. Toys and clothes, neatly sat waiting.

A heart sat waiting too. Mine. My ex and I were going to adopt a little girl. Her name was Cheyenne.

She was four years old, and blonde hair with brown eyes. I had dresses for her and cute little socks. I had my sister come over and she took a home movie of me, telling Cheyenne how much I was looking forward to meeting her, to having her come stay at our house.

We never even got that far.

My ex, "B", canceled it. I didn't know the reasons at the time...figured it had something to do with revenge. But it more than just that, it was because he was going to be leaving me for someone else. I just wasn't aware of it yet.

So, my dreams of adopting a little girl slipped away. "B" had the power to send my dreams into oblivion.

Now I let my heart open up again to the possibilities. I took a chance again. It felt right to begin the process to adopt a girl. Everything seemed good.

So, we thought it was to be "A" from Idaho.

I can't go into all the reasons why we decided not to adopt her. But, a big one was that my husband, "S" couldn't do it. Reality was too much for him. Talking about the possibility of her being violent to me was one thing, but when confronted with it, a whole different story.

In a marriage it takes two. Both need to be there, present and willing. If one isn't then it won't work. I felt strongly that he needed to be willing also.

He couldn't say yes.

Now, it may cost me my dream again.

My soul feels betrayed.

feetgroundednow

So many people have been soooo supportive of us, and our adoption endeavors..thank you very much! We need all the support we can get!

We have sent our home study out on two more possibilities:

One is a sibling group of two younger girls...a 4 yr old and 2 yr old. Oh so adorable. They have only been in one foster placement, which is a good thing. They are chinese. My first time around wanting to adopt, many years ago, I really wanted an asian child. They are so beautiful, and these two sisters are no exception! I doubt we would get chosen, since we are 40+ but you never know, right?

The other is an 11 yr old, from Oregon. Her first name starts with an "A" too! She is a beautiful girl, with a really good bulletin that states she likes sports, and plays the violin, and wants to play the piano too. She is also artistic. Anyone who really "gets" me...knows that the artistic, musical side would be something I would love to have in a daughter. She doesn't "act out" but instead is one of those kids who decided long ago, that their needs really didn't matter and they in turn take care of everyone elses needs.

My husband thinks that type of girl would be the best type for us. We aren't really the drill sargeant type of parents, who are tough and stern. We are more the loving, gentle type, and being caring and sweet. A better parent for that type of girl. The first "A" from Idaho NEEDED the other type, the drill sargeant.

Can you see the difference in this post? My feet are grounded. My head is not up in the clouds. I don't want to romanticize this, nor idealize it in any way, shape, or form! I fell hard last time. This time, I will try to be more realistic.

My feet on solid ground.

I have a fear of flying, and of very high places. Everytime I get on an airplane, I am terrified. I should have realized I was floating dangerously high off the ground with my whole dream of adopting. I am only human. Mistakes are okay if you learn from them. I'm trying to.

Feet on solid ground.

Keep them there. One step at a time. Eyes wide open. Mind full of questions. Heart that seeks truth.

Grounded now.

stillontheadoptionrollercoaster

It didn't work out.
"A" and us. Not even close.
Here I was, trying to hammer in a puzzle piece that didn't even belong into that spot, shoving the corners down, forcing it to fit.
It just plain didn't.
I ache in my heart for that little girl.
Now we are on her list of people who let her down. It saddens me more than any of you reading this will ever know.
I need to know what to do different next time.
Less expectations? Better reading between the lines prior?
If we would have known all of it before hand, we wouldn't have let her come over. Let her get her hopes up...as well as ours.
It didn't work.
I felt like a failure at first.
I wasn't completely honest with myself, nor was my husband, "S" on what we could actually deal with.
"A" needs a mom just like her foster mom. I'm just not tough enough or hard enough.
It is what the adoption journey is about, is it not?
Ups and downs. Did I really think I would find the perfect girl on the first try?
I guess I did.
I learned a great deal about myself.
I'm not giving up.
There is a girl out there for us.
She is waiting...still.
We are waiting...still.
Ups and downs. Twists and turns.
Don't give up.

needsandbridges

One of the important things we learned in the classes that we were required to take for adopting is what they call, "The Attachement Cycle."

For these kids, who come out of the foster system, attaching takes on a whole new meaning. They aren't just going to give their heart away, over and over, each time they are moved to another home. No way. They are going to carefully tuck that love away, keep it guarded.

So, how do you get them to love you? To attach to you?

Even if they don't have Reactive Attachment Disorder, which is a huge "LABEL" to put on any child, there will be attachment issues. Can you blame them?

In class we learned that in order to build the bridge of attachment, you need to meet their basic needs first and foremost.

NEEDS.

Necessities for growth. They need their physical needs met. By this, I mean health, food and warmth. Shelter. This may seem very basic, but some of these kids who were neglected never had that.

They need to feel secure, safe and protected. "A" has already mentioned she needs a family who will protect her.

They need to belong. To feel like they are actually a part of the family. I can't tell you how many stories I have heard of foster parents going on their "family vacation" who leave the foster kids behind at a respite home. How can that make a child feel like they belong? It doesn't.

Unconditional acceptance. They need to be accepted for who they are at that very moment. Unconditionally. Even if they are throwing a fit, they need to know that you still love them and accept them at that moment.

They need to be affirmed of their self worth, over and over again. Maybe forever.

Trust. Never promise anything to them that you will not completely follow through with.

If those basic needs are not met, they cannot attach. They can't trust you, they can't love you. They will have a whole in their heart that they will keep trying to fill with things, or with bad attention.

So, when a fit arrives, it's a perfect time to begin that bridge to attachment.

Instead of looking at the "action" whether it is screaming, or kicking, or slapping or swearing. Look BEYOND the action, and ask yourself, "What is their NEED at this moment?"

When a newborn baby enters the world, they are completely dependent on their parents or the adults in their lives. They have to learn how to communicate their needs, to get it across to the adult, and get their need met.

Generally, it begins, with what they taught us in class, as "Arrousal." What does arrousal look like in a newborn?

You got it, they cry. Let me tell you, they learn pretty quickly that if they cry, someone comes running and does their very best to take care of the need. Sometimes it's a guessing game...do they need their diaper changed or do they have gas, and need to be burped? Maybe they are hungry again, or maybe they need rocked to sleep.

Alot of foster kids learned early on that no one will come running to meet their needs, and they eventually give up. That is what the teacher called, "The Empty Glass Kids." They believe they were brought on this earth to meet everyone else's needs, but their own needs mean nothing.

Sad, huh?

If you meet the infant's needs, what happens? They relax. They fall asleep. They feel safe and secure. They want for nothing. (Until the next feeding time!)

The same falls true for foster kids. They don't necessarily know how to communicate their needs to you. Sometimes it will be a guessing game. What exactly does this child need?

"A" had a meltdown at her foster home today. It was after I had already called her and talked to her. She sounded happy while I talked to her, and her morning was going well at that point.

A half hour later, her foster mom called and said she was throwing a fit, and could I talk to her.

I said, "Sure! Of course!"

The bridge began at that moment. Carefully, tread carefully. Build each step slowly and surely, so it will not crumble and fall apart. Tentatively, I began to meet some of the small needs she had. Someone to listen. Someone to care. Someone to accept her just as she was.

I don't want a perfect child. I want a REAL child. She needed to know that she didn't need to be perfect, I still want her. I showed her that. And she calmed down. From crying hysterically, to talking normally with me.

The bridge may be a very long one. It might take awhile to get all the way acrossed. One small step towards her began today. A step I will cherish. I can be patient. It's too important not to be patient. "A" NEEDS me to be patient, and so I will.

A bridge to her, a bridge to "A's" heart.

freshcleanpalette

My mother-in-law came over today, and together we painted the walls "Ultra White" in the room that will be our girl's room.

A fresh palette. When we bring her home, she can help decide what colors she wants on her walls, and what she wants painted. She will have an artist for a mom, so she can pretty much pick anything!

"Grandma" brought some things she had to dress up the room. Cute little music boxes, butterfly shaped glass dish with a lid and other girlie-girl things. She is excited too. Since she has no grandaughters, she has only been able to buy things for boys. Now she will have a grandaughter.

It's okay to spoil some. There is some making up to do in my way of thinking. Over due. In moderation. *Smile.* Can I really resist? I think not!

We dragged the bed in and set it up. Wish the room was bigger. What can I do? It is cute though. I think she will like it.

Starting over in a new home provides the chance to "wipe the slate clean" and "start over." You can't leave the past behind, but you can put it in a safe place and move on. It's our job to show her how.

A fresh, clean room. A new start. A fresh clean palette.

onelesslonelygirl

Trying to look at the world through 10 year old "tween" eyes. Normal school girl crushes, fights with girl friends and all those things that have long since collected dust and cobwebs in the far recesses of my mind.

Now slash those. Contort them with pain and loss. Twist them with abuse and neglect. How does the world look now? How can one lonely girl see the world when all she knows is sorrow?

She wants to belong. To fit in. To be loved, unconditionally. No more bags packed. No more starting over. No more trying to be the perfect child so you won't be given back.

I can feel the longing in her heart. It stretches out across the vast mountains and valleys in the distance that separates us. Clinging desperately to my bleeding heart.

"If you let me inside your world, there'll be one less lonely girl."

Just a few lines from a song sung by the tween heart throb, Justin Beiber. Powerful words.

"I'm comin' for you, comin' for you."

Mother~someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today just for who you are.

One less lonely girl.