dreamsslippingaway

I don't know what to do.

There may be a chance that the whole fiasco with "A" will hurt our chances to ever adopt a girl. How can this be?

Ten years ago, I had a room all painted, and ready. A bed made with a handmade quilt I stitched with love. Toys and clothes, neatly sat waiting.

A heart sat waiting too. Mine. My ex and I were going to adopt a little girl. Her name was Cheyenne.

She was four years old, and blonde hair with brown eyes. I had dresses for her and cute little socks. I had my sister come over and she took a home movie of me, telling Cheyenne how much I was looking forward to meeting her, to having her come stay at our house.

We never even got that far.

My ex, "B", canceled it. I didn't know the reasons at the time...figured it had something to do with revenge. But it more than just that, it was because he was going to be leaving me for someone else. I just wasn't aware of it yet.

So, my dreams of adopting a little girl slipped away. "B" had the power to send my dreams into oblivion.

Now I let my heart open up again to the possibilities. I took a chance again. It felt right to begin the process to adopt a girl. Everything seemed good.

So, we thought it was to be "A" from Idaho.

I can't go into all the reasons why we decided not to adopt her. But, a big one was that my husband, "S" couldn't do it. Reality was too much for him. Talking about the possibility of her being violent to me was one thing, but when confronted with it, a whole different story.

In a marriage it takes two. Both need to be there, present and willing. If one isn't then it won't work. I felt strongly that he needed to be willing also.

He couldn't say yes.

Now, it may cost me my dream again.

My soul feels betrayed.