Yesterday, it happened.
The email we had been waiting for.
It brought a mixed bag of emotions with it.
The email was from lovelygirl's caseworker. She wanted to let us know that she had just been with lovelygirl's birthmom. "R" had come in and signed the relinquishment papers. We won't have to wait for the TPR hearing on Dec 7th.
Of course I read it and cried...with joy and happiness for our dream finally coming true. Then it turned to tears of sorrow for "R" the birthmom, and of course for lovelygirl.
I am struck once again by the horrible irony of the situation.
In order for our dreams to come true, someone else's dream has to be shattered.
"R" had her first child at 16 yrs old, lovelygirl's half sibling. Then at 18 yrs old, she had lovelygirl. Altogether, she has had 4 children, none of which are with her at this time. Drugs seem to be at the forefront of it all. Sad that her addictions have cost her the most important thing she could ever lose...her children.
Still, my heart goes out to her. Though I wanted to post a blog yesterday, to share my news, it didn't feel right to be so happy, while she is so sad. So, I just prayed for her yesterday. And I will continue to.
She didn't ask for anything except twice yearly pictures and letters.
In my heart, I know that in lovelygirl's case, this is for the best, but it still will be difficult for both of them. Even though lovelygirl didn't see her mother much during her life, she is still the woman who gave birth to her. Difficult moments will come because of this. It will take years before lovelygirl will understand the true nature of what her mother did for her.
I have no doubt she ultimately gave her up out of love. She just had no means to raise any of her children, and knew it. She lacks important parenting skills, mostly of being able to put her kids needs above her own.
Still...I could feel her heart wrenching all the way down here.
Thank you, "R" for doing the right thing. For giving lovelygirl a chance at a safe and secure life, in which she will be loved and cherished. We will not hide you under a rug, and never talk about you. I will make sure that lovelygirl remembers you. Thank you for your ultimate sacrifice. I pray that God will give you peace. I will do my utmost to raise her to be a kind, and loving person...someone you can be proud of.
It seems fitting that right before Thanksgiving, my heart is full of an overwhelming thankfulness for this gift of a daughter, for lovelygirl. Thank you, God. Thank you, "R"
thankfulness
lovelygirl and me
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
'nuff said
I got a text today at work from FM (foster mom) of our lovelygirl.
She had taken her to the doctors today, mainly so that a nurse could show her how to take care of hygiene and teach her how to wipe correctly.
Sounds like a gross subject, eh? It's a follow up to yesterdays blog, people! And if you read on, I promise you will come out much more enlightened.
I had told her about an online class I took at http://www.fostercollege.com/ on "Wetting and Soiling" and had really tried hard to figure out into what category lovelygirl was in, so we could get the correct help for her.
FM had told me about her recently beginning to "soil" her pants, with the correct name being "encropesis." I questioned her about when it happens, what does it look like, what does it smell like, is she hiding it etc. She told me that she was removing her undies at school and throwing them away when it happened at school. (HINT: kiddos who do it for protection don't usually try and hide it) And that it was "extremely foul smelling" (another Hint at what it could be) and that it was like pasty almost diarrhea like in constistancy, (another hint) and also that her room stunk to high heaven as well as the bathroom. She also said that when Lovelygirl took a bath, there were silver dollar sized "flakes" of the stuff floating around in the tub.
So, I had mentioned that it really sound like she had the type in which the child withholds from having a bowel movement. The reasons they do this are many, and at this point we have no idea why she did. She had a doctor appointment today, and I am thrilled to say that foster mom actually mentioned it to the doctor and they checked her out. GUESS WHAT?
She is full of compacted fecal matter. See, when they don't go, it gets bigger and harder and then they CAN'T go. The results are that some liquid/pasty fecal matter "leaks" around the edges and out into their undies, looking like they had an accident in their pants, or didn't wipe very good.
My poor little lovelygirl...she has been in pain for a long time. It is painful, just so you know. Think of the last time you were constipated and times that by 100! And yet, she is a delightful, chatty little girl.
Unfortunately, she isn't comfortable telling people what her needs are, or her hurts. She never told anyone, just tried to deal with it as best as she could...all alone, all by herself, with no help. I am sure she felt shame, and embarrassment when people made fun of her...yet could tell no one.
My heart goes out to my lovelygirl. I thank God that we found the source and can now begin the treatment plan to help her through this and help her heal from this. I wish I could be there to hold her close and comfort her. I am so thankful that I took our adoption worker's advice and took the online class!
If you are adopting from the foster system, there are many issues these kids have and face everyday. To not judge them, but to try and find out the reasons behind the behavior and seek to find a way to help them overcome it ARE VITAL!
Take that extra time to LEARN everything you can. Don't just assume that they will suddenly get better in your home, that just being in a permanent home will magically take away all their troubles.
AFFEC gives you lots of places to learn more. My advice is to do it!
"NUFF SAID!
She had taken her to the doctors today, mainly so that a nurse could show her how to take care of hygiene and teach her how to wipe correctly.
Sounds like a gross subject, eh? It's a follow up to yesterdays blog, people! And if you read on, I promise you will come out much more enlightened.
I had told her about an online class I took at http://www.fostercollege.com/ on "Wetting and Soiling" and had really tried hard to figure out into what category lovelygirl was in, so we could get the correct help for her.
FM had told me about her recently beginning to "soil" her pants, with the correct name being "encropesis." I questioned her about when it happens, what does it look like, what does it smell like, is she hiding it etc. She told me that she was removing her undies at school and throwing them away when it happened at school. (HINT: kiddos who do it for protection don't usually try and hide it) And that it was "extremely foul smelling" (another Hint at what it could be) and that it was like pasty almost diarrhea like in constistancy, (another hint) and also that her room stunk to high heaven as well as the bathroom. She also said that when Lovelygirl took a bath, there were silver dollar sized "flakes" of the stuff floating around in the tub.
So, I had mentioned that it really sound like she had the type in which the child withholds from having a bowel movement. The reasons they do this are many, and at this point we have no idea why she did. She had a doctor appointment today, and I am thrilled to say that foster mom actually mentioned it to the doctor and they checked her out. GUESS WHAT?
She is full of compacted fecal matter. See, when they don't go, it gets bigger and harder and then they CAN'T go. The results are that some liquid/pasty fecal matter "leaks" around the edges and out into their undies, looking like they had an accident in their pants, or didn't wipe very good.
My poor little lovelygirl...she has been in pain for a long time. It is painful, just so you know. Think of the last time you were constipated and times that by 100! And yet, she is a delightful, chatty little girl.
Unfortunately, she isn't comfortable telling people what her needs are, or her hurts. She never told anyone, just tried to deal with it as best as she could...all alone, all by herself, with no help. I am sure she felt shame, and embarrassment when people made fun of her...yet could tell no one.
My heart goes out to my lovelygirl. I thank God that we found the source and can now begin the treatment plan to help her through this and help her heal from this. I wish I could be there to hold her close and comfort her. I am so thankful that I took our adoption worker's advice and took the online class!
If you are adopting from the foster system, there are many issues these kids have and face everyday. To not judge them, but to try and find out the reasons behind the behavior and seek to find a way to help them overcome it ARE VITAL!
Take that extra time to LEARN everything you can. Don't just assume that they will suddenly get better in your home, that just being in a permanent home will magically take away all their troubles.
AFFEC gives you lots of places to learn more. My advice is to do it!
"NUFF SAID!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
let's get real
Ok.
Let's get real.
When I re-read my posts, even I think it all sounds like a fairytale. And to some extent it is. But let's get real here.
Adopting a child from the foster system isn't all rosy and sugary and sappy and wonderful. How can it be? These kiddos have gone through (exuse my language here) HELL and back, some have many times over. They are in the foster system for a reason.
Abuse. Whether verbal, physical, mental, or sexual. It's still abuse.
Neglect. Not only physical neglect, but mental and emotional neglect as well.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very real for these kids. We all give props to the Veterens who have gone out in battle, done things they wish they could take back, and seen things they wish they could forget. But what about the many children in foster care? They have been in battle for as long as they can remember. Yet we look with disdain at the chaos it creates.
Let's get real.
Lovelgirl has her own set of "issues" and "behaviors." Some fall directly under the PTSD heading, and some don't. But all are a direct result of what happened to her in her life, by people she trusted and depended on for survival. She was let down so many times, she can't even count them. She was hurt so many times, she doesn't understand real love at all.
Lest you all get caught up in the fantasy of adopting a child to "save" them, I am here to remind you that it isn't a fairytale. Far from it.
Get ready for this child to turn your world upside down. He/she will test you in every way possible.
Right now, lovelygirl is testing her foster mom big time. She learned at some point in her young life that she has very little that she can control. She can't control what others do to her, she can't control where she is placed...basically she has no say.
What can she control?
As I said, at some point she saw something that worked for another child, or discovered it quite by accident.
Lovelygirl has enuresis and encropesis.
What are these lovely sounding names? What do they mean?
It means she wets and poops.
In her case, we aren't sure yet which type hers falls under. We do know that she was neglected since birth. Doubtful if she was every potty trained. She can control it, when she wants. I think it is more of the "get even" with my caregivers. She just recently started the pooping thing. Because I am in another state, I only recieve these 'updates' from FM (fostermom) and don't actually "see" what she sees. So, I don't know yet if she is actually holding it in, and has severe constipation (which does leak yucky smelly stuff onto the undies) or if she is actually doing ALL of this as a defense mechanism..."if I smell disgusting, the pervs will leave me alone"
She is in a house with 2 thirteen year old boys, who, even tho they have a low IQ, ARE still in a teenager's body with raging hormones etc.
I do feel helpless at this point.
The reason I decided to post on my blog is so that you all know that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' child from foster care. (and in real life birth kiddos either)
BUT before you wrinkle your nose in disgust, and turn your head away...hear this:
WE KNEW ABOUT ALL OF THIS BEFORE WE DECIDED TO ADOPT HER!!!
Yes, we are going to be challenged, yes we are going to have our moments of dispair. BUT we still want her. We STILL are going through with this. We didn't decide to adopt from the foster care system to get a perfect child. There aren't any, so why pretend they exist?
So, I just wanted to say all of this to be totally honest. We all need to go into this with our eyes WIDE open. To expect the worst, to plan for the worst.
We have no idea how it will play out. I have read stories where all expected behaviors after the "honeymoon" period never came to pass. But, I am not going to put stock in those stories.
I have a picture frame, with a pic of my lovelygirl and me, and it says this:
A mother is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today for exactly who you are.
Pretty powerful stuff there.
I UNDERSTAND her past, and her need to feel out of control, or to try and protect herself as best as she can. I BELIEVE that she can heal from some of these demons, if not all of them...and come out a stronger beautiful adult. I ACCEPT her with all her faults, even if she has a load of poo in her pants...for exactly who she is today.
Let's get real.
Let's get real.
When I re-read my posts, even I think it all sounds like a fairytale. And to some extent it is. But let's get real here.
Adopting a child from the foster system isn't all rosy and sugary and sappy and wonderful. How can it be? These kiddos have gone through (exuse my language here) HELL and back, some have many times over. They are in the foster system for a reason.
Abuse. Whether verbal, physical, mental, or sexual. It's still abuse.
Neglect. Not only physical neglect, but mental and emotional neglect as well.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very real for these kids. We all give props to the Veterens who have gone out in battle, done things they wish they could take back, and seen things they wish they could forget. But what about the many children in foster care? They have been in battle for as long as they can remember. Yet we look with disdain at the chaos it creates.
Let's get real.
Lovelgirl has her own set of "issues" and "behaviors." Some fall directly under the PTSD heading, and some don't. But all are a direct result of what happened to her in her life, by people she trusted and depended on for survival. She was let down so many times, she can't even count them. She was hurt so many times, she doesn't understand real love at all.
Lest you all get caught up in the fantasy of adopting a child to "save" them, I am here to remind you that it isn't a fairytale. Far from it.
Get ready for this child to turn your world upside down. He/she will test you in every way possible.
Right now, lovelygirl is testing her foster mom big time. She learned at some point in her young life that she has very little that she can control. She can't control what others do to her, she can't control where she is placed...basically she has no say.
What can she control?
As I said, at some point she saw something that worked for another child, or discovered it quite by accident.
Lovelygirl has enuresis and encropesis.
What are these lovely sounding names? What do they mean?
It means she wets and poops.
In her case, we aren't sure yet which type hers falls under. We do know that she was neglected since birth. Doubtful if she was every potty trained. She can control it, when she wants. I think it is more of the "get even" with my caregivers. She just recently started the pooping thing. Because I am in another state, I only recieve these 'updates' from FM (fostermom) and don't actually "see" what she sees. So, I don't know yet if she is actually holding it in, and has severe constipation (which does leak yucky smelly stuff onto the undies) or if she is actually doing ALL of this as a defense mechanism..."if I smell disgusting, the pervs will leave me alone"
She is in a house with 2 thirteen year old boys, who, even tho they have a low IQ, ARE still in a teenager's body with raging hormones etc.
I do feel helpless at this point.
The reason I decided to post on my blog is so that you all know that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' child from foster care. (and in real life birth kiddos either)
BUT before you wrinkle your nose in disgust, and turn your head away...hear this:
WE KNEW ABOUT ALL OF THIS BEFORE WE DECIDED TO ADOPT HER!!!
Yes, we are going to be challenged, yes we are going to have our moments of dispair. BUT we still want her. We STILL are going through with this. We didn't decide to adopt from the foster care system to get a perfect child. There aren't any, so why pretend they exist?
So, I just wanted to say all of this to be totally honest. We all need to go into this with our eyes WIDE open. To expect the worst, to plan for the worst.
We have no idea how it will play out. I have read stories where all expected behaviors after the "honeymoon" period never came to pass. But, I am not going to put stock in those stories.
I have a picture frame, with a pic of my lovelygirl and me, and it says this:
A mother is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today for exactly who you are.
Pretty powerful stuff there.
I UNDERSTAND her past, and her need to feel out of control, or to try and protect herself as best as she can. I BELIEVE that she can heal from some of these demons, if not all of them...and come out a stronger beautiful adult. I ACCEPT her with all her faults, even if she has a load of poo in her pants...for exactly who she is today.
Let's get real.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
asafeplacetoland
asafeplacetoland
Lovelygirl finally gets to go to a therapist/counceling session.
She has been at this foster home now for about 3 months now, and hasn't had a chance to go see one before now.
I was talking to FM (fostermom) via texting, and lovelygirl is pretty confused about what adoption actually means. Of coure, who can blame her? She has been tossed around like a fallen leaf in the blustery fall winds; No place to land.
She told FM that she thinks adoption means she doesn't have to move, but she will be eventually going to her bio mom's to live. So, she views adoption as just another foster home, but one she will stay at, until her bio mom can get her.
She hasn't even seen her bio mom since April.
My heart breaks for her. I can't even imagine the confusion and loss she feels.
The man who is listed as her birth father she calls her "Stepdad."
I am glad that she is at a councelor. I pray that they will find insight and a way to begin unraveling all the false information that lovelgirl has recieved.
No place to land.
Her mantra at the moment. No place to land. No safe place to be. Stuck.
We want to be her safe place to land. To eventually help her feel secure and safe. To help her realize her potential. To help her feel wanted. So she can land, and relax, and just be herself.
Until then, she doesn't feel safe. She doesn't feel secure. She has no idea what will happen to her. She doesn't feel wanted. She doesn't feel loved. She is eight years old. No eight year old child should feel this way.
What she needs?
A safe place to land.
Lovelygirl finally gets to go to a therapist/counceling session.
She has been at this foster home now for about 3 months now, and hasn't had a chance to go see one before now.
I was talking to FM (fostermom) via texting, and lovelygirl is pretty confused about what adoption actually means. Of coure, who can blame her? She has been tossed around like a fallen leaf in the blustery fall winds; No place to land.
She told FM that she thinks adoption means she doesn't have to move, but she will be eventually going to her bio mom's to live. So, she views adoption as just another foster home, but one she will stay at, until her bio mom can get her.
She hasn't even seen her bio mom since April.
My heart breaks for her. I can't even imagine the confusion and loss she feels.
The man who is listed as her birth father she calls her "Stepdad."
I am glad that she is at a councelor. I pray that they will find insight and a way to begin unraveling all the false information that lovelgirl has recieved.
No place to land.
Her mantra at the moment. No place to land. No safe place to be. Stuck.
We want to be her safe place to land. To eventually help her feel secure and safe. To help her realize her potential. To help her feel wanted. So she can land, and relax, and just be herself.
Until then, she doesn't feel safe. She doesn't feel secure. She has no idea what will happen to her. She doesn't feel wanted. She doesn't feel loved. She is eight years old. No eight year old child should feel this way.
What she needs?
A safe place to land.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
hangingon
Going to be a tenacious bulldog, holding on fiercely to her.
Not going to let go.
Going to believe. Believe that soon, she will be our daughter, soon she will be here with us.
Hanging on.
Not going to let go.
Going to believe. Believe that things will turn around for the good. Believe that soon, she will be ours.
You have to hold on to your dreams. To your hopes. To your beliefs. To those you love. To those you will love.
Hanging on.
Our adoption worker told me that she can tell I have already bonded with her. That I am showing that protectiveness...of a mother for her child.
Hanging on.
tenaciously.
Not going to let go.
Going to believe. Believe that soon, she will be our daughter, soon she will be here with us.
Hanging on.
Not going to let go.
Going to believe. Believe that things will turn around for the good. Believe that soon, she will be ours.
You have to hold on to your dreams. To your hopes. To your beliefs. To those you love. To those you will love.
Hanging on.
Our adoption worker told me that she can tell I have already bonded with her. That I am showing that protectiveness...of a mother for her child.
Hanging on.
tenaciously.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
helpless
well. it happened.
TPR hearing was moved.
Till December 7th.
helpless.
what am i supposed to do?
helpless.
possiblitites of the whole process taking much, much longer than expected. maybe 9 months.
helpless.
may not get to talk to lovelygirl until after December 7th now.
helpless.
i talked to her tonight for 15 minutes. timed. when the timer went off she hung up.
helpless.
i can't even begin to imagine how she will feel if it takes almost a year to finally be able to move here. nothing i can do to help her. she won't understand the process. how can she. she is eight years old.
helpless.
TPR hearing was moved.
Till December 7th.
helpless.
what am i supposed to do?
helpless.
possiblitites of the whole process taking much, much longer than expected. maybe 9 months.
helpless.
may not get to talk to lovelygirl until after December 7th now.
helpless.
i talked to her tonight for 15 minutes. timed. when the timer went off she hung up.
helpless.
i can't even begin to imagine how she will feel if it takes almost a year to finally be able to move here. nothing i can do to help her. she won't understand the process. how can she. she is eight years old.
helpless.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
goingthroughthemotions
A lot going on lately.
Understatement of the year.
When your mind is pulled in too many different directions, something is bound to fall apart.
Of course, the one big thing on my mind is lovelygirl. So, I tend to think of her alot. Because we are still in the waiting game. Waiting to see if she will become legally free. Waiting to see if they get the ICPC done and submitted in a timely manner. Waiting to see if she will become our daughter.
Her foster mom said she has been looking at our picture book alot. Talking about moving down here.
So, I think about her. I think about what she is doing. I think about how she is feeling. I wonder if she is really scared inside. I worry about her becoming victimized again. She is too far away for me to protect her. I can only send my prayers.
Going through the motions of day to day life.
I lay in bed for hours thinking of her, and can't get to sleep. That in turn affects my next day. If I am working, I am sluggish and tired, but distracted. I keep my cell phone in my pocket on vibrate, waiting to hear something...anything. I make the silliest mistakes...spelling, switching words around, etc.
Yesterday, I was supposed to go spend time with my mentee...and I completely forgot to go! I felt absolutely horrible. I called as soon as I realized my mistake, and her caregivers seemed upset at me. I keep trying to stay busy so that I don't worry too much, and it backfired! I got tooo busy, and forgot my poor little mentee.
I am awake, going through the motions of living, getting up, taking a shower, going to work, etc....all the while completely distracted by a little girl in WA.
Going through the motions.
Understatement of the year.
When your mind is pulled in too many different directions, something is bound to fall apart.
Of course, the one big thing on my mind is lovelygirl. So, I tend to think of her alot. Because we are still in the waiting game. Waiting to see if she will become legally free. Waiting to see if they get the ICPC done and submitted in a timely manner. Waiting to see if she will become our daughter.
Her foster mom said she has been looking at our picture book alot. Talking about moving down here.
So, I think about her. I think about what she is doing. I think about how she is feeling. I wonder if she is really scared inside. I worry about her becoming victimized again. She is too far away for me to protect her. I can only send my prayers.
Going through the motions of day to day life.
I lay in bed for hours thinking of her, and can't get to sleep. That in turn affects my next day. If I am working, I am sluggish and tired, but distracted. I keep my cell phone in my pocket on vibrate, waiting to hear something...anything. I make the silliest mistakes...spelling, switching words around, etc.
Yesterday, I was supposed to go spend time with my mentee...and I completely forgot to go! I felt absolutely horrible. I called as soon as I realized my mistake, and her caregivers seemed upset at me. I keep trying to stay busy so that I don't worry too much, and it backfired! I got tooo busy, and forgot my poor little mentee.
I am awake, going through the motions of living, getting up, taking a shower, going to work, etc....all the while completely distracted by a little girl in WA.
Going through the motions.
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