let's get real

Ok.

Let's get real.

When I re-read my posts, even I think it all sounds like a fairytale. And to some extent it is. But let's get real here.

Adopting a child from the foster system isn't all rosy and sugary and sappy and wonderful. How can it be? These kiddos have gone through (exuse my language here) HELL and back, some have many times over.  They are in the foster system for a reason.

Abuse.  Whether verbal, physical, mental, or sexual.  It's still abuse.
Neglect. Not only physical neglect, but mental and emotional neglect as well.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very real for these kids. We all give props to the Veterens who have gone out in battle, done things they wish they could take back, and seen things they wish they could forget.  But what about the many children in foster care? They have been in battle for as long as they can remember. Yet we look with disdain at the chaos it creates.

Let's get real.

Lovelgirl has her own set of "issues" and "behaviors."  Some fall directly under the PTSD heading, and some don't.  But all are a direct result of what happened to her in her life, by people she trusted and depended on for survival. She was let down so many times, she can't even count them. She was hurt so many times, she doesn't understand real love at all.

Lest you all get caught up in the fantasy of adopting a child to "save" them, I am here to remind you that it isn't a fairytale. Far from it.

Get ready for this child to turn your world upside down. He/she will test you in every way possible. 

Right now, lovelygirl is testing her foster mom big time.  She learned at some point in her young life that she has very little that she can control.  She can't control what others do to her, she can't control where she is placed...basically she has no say.

What can she control?

As I said, at some point she saw something that worked for another child, or discovered it quite by accident.

Lovelygirl has enuresis and encropesis. 

What are these lovely sounding names? What do they mean?

It means she wets and poops. 

In her case, we aren't sure yet which type hers falls under.  We do know that she was neglected since birth.  Doubtful if she was every potty trained. She can control it, when she wants. I think it is more of the "get even" with my caregivers.  She just recently started the pooping thing. Because I am in another state, I only recieve these 'updates' from FM (fostermom) and don't actually "see" what she sees.  So, I don't know yet if she is actually holding it in, and has severe constipation (which does leak yucky smelly stuff onto the undies) or if she is actually doing ALL of this as a defense mechanism..."if I smell disgusting, the pervs will leave me alone"

She is in a house with 2 thirteen year old boys, who, even tho they have a low IQ, ARE still in a teenager's body with raging hormones etc.

I do feel helpless at this point.

The reason I decided to post on my blog is so that you all know that there is no such thing as a 'perfect' child from foster care. (and in real life birth kiddos either)

BUT before you wrinkle your nose in disgust, and turn your head away...hear this:

WE KNEW ABOUT ALL OF THIS BEFORE WE DECIDED TO ADOPT HER!!!

Yes, we are going to be challenged, yes we are going to have our moments of dispair. BUT we still want her. We STILL are going through with this. We didn't decide to adopt from the foster care system to get a perfect child. There aren't any, so why pretend they exist?

So, I just wanted to say all of this to be totally honest. We all need to go into this with our eyes WIDE open. To expect the worst, to plan for the worst.

We have no idea how it will play out. I have read stories where all expected behaviors after the "honeymoon" period never came to pass. But, I am not going to put stock in those stories.

I have a picture frame, with a pic of my lovelygirl and me, and it says this:

A mother is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today for exactly who you are.

Pretty powerful stuff there.

I UNDERSTAND her past, and her need to feel out of control, or to try and protect herself as best as she can.  I BELIEVE that she can heal from some of these demons, if not all of them...and come out a stronger beautiful adult.  I ACCEPT her with all her faults, even if she has a load of poo in her pants...for exactly who she is today.

Let's get real.