patiencepatiencepatience

Sigh.
I am trying hard to be patient. I really am.
It's so hard to have no control over something so important. At least not in this part of the roller coaster ride.
No one said adoption would be easy.
I just thought it was going to be when I first started this procedure. I thought I would be the nontypical one, the one who found a child right away, and was approved.
I thought I might have a child by Christmas for sure!
Now?
Not so sure. Not so sure.
So, we sent in another homestudy. This time for a 6 yr old girl, whose name starts with a "D." Ohhhh so cute.
Funny how I can totally picture each of these possibilities in our home, in our family.
I can picture myself tucking in the two little ones, the asian sisters, reading to them, coloring with them, kissing them goodnight. Totally.
Yet, I can also picture listening to the new "A" play her violin, and having soulful talks with her, then running her down to a soccer game and cheering her on!
The same with little 6 yr old "D" she loves camping, fishing, and playing outside. She also loves coloring and dolls. I can picture her running around the yard, with our doggies, playing; and laying on the floor coloring pictures of fairies and horses.
Am I that fickle?
I like to think that I am remaining open.
Open to the possibilities that exist.
Not stuck on one girl, like I was before.
Good. I learned something. That's important.
Now to learn patience.
Patience, patience...and more patience.
As I wait.

dreamsslippingaway

I don't know what to do.

There may be a chance that the whole fiasco with "A" will hurt our chances to ever adopt a girl. How can this be?

Ten years ago, I had a room all painted, and ready. A bed made with a handmade quilt I stitched with love. Toys and clothes, neatly sat waiting.

A heart sat waiting too. Mine. My ex and I were going to adopt a little girl. Her name was Cheyenne.

She was four years old, and blonde hair with brown eyes. I had dresses for her and cute little socks. I had my sister come over and she took a home movie of me, telling Cheyenne how much I was looking forward to meeting her, to having her come stay at our house.

We never even got that far.

My ex, "B", canceled it. I didn't know the reasons at the time...figured it had something to do with revenge. But it more than just that, it was because he was going to be leaving me for someone else. I just wasn't aware of it yet.

So, my dreams of adopting a little girl slipped away. "B" had the power to send my dreams into oblivion.

Now I let my heart open up again to the possibilities. I took a chance again. It felt right to begin the process to adopt a girl. Everything seemed good.

So, we thought it was to be "A" from Idaho.

I can't go into all the reasons why we decided not to adopt her. But, a big one was that my husband, "S" couldn't do it. Reality was too much for him. Talking about the possibility of her being violent to me was one thing, but when confronted with it, a whole different story.

In a marriage it takes two. Both need to be there, present and willing. If one isn't then it won't work. I felt strongly that he needed to be willing also.

He couldn't say yes.

Now, it may cost me my dream again.

My soul feels betrayed.

feetgroundednow

So many people have been soooo supportive of us, and our adoption endeavors..thank you very much! We need all the support we can get!

We have sent our home study out on two more possibilities:

One is a sibling group of two younger girls...a 4 yr old and 2 yr old. Oh so adorable. They have only been in one foster placement, which is a good thing. They are chinese. My first time around wanting to adopt, many years ago, I really wanted an asian child. They are so beautiful, and these two sisters are no exception! I doubt we would get chosen, since we are 40+ but you never know, right?

The other is an 11 yr old, from Oregon. Her first name starts with an "A" too! She is a beautiful girl, with a really good bulletin that states she likes sports, and plays the violin, and wants to play the piano too. She is also artistic. Anyone who really "gets" me...knows that the artistic, musical side would be something I would love to have in a daughter. She doesn't "act out" but instead is one of those kids who decided long ago, that their needs really didn't matter and they in turn take care of everyone elses needs.

My husband thinks that type of girl would be the best type for us. We aren't really the drill sargeant type of parents, who are tough and stern. We are more the loving, gentle type, and being caring and sweet. A better parent for that type of girl. The first "A" from Idaho NEEDED the other type, the drill sargeant.

Can you see the difference in this post? My feet are grounded. My head is not up in the clouds. I don't want to romanticize this, nor idealize it in any way, shape, or form! I fell hard last time. This time, I will try to be more realistic.

My feet on solid ground.

I have a fear of flying, and of very high places. Everytime I get on an airplane, I am terrified. I should have realized I was floating dangerously high off the ground with my whole dream of adopting. I am only human. Mistakes are okay if you learn from them. I'm trying to.

Feet on solid ground.

Keep them there. One step at a time. Eyes wide open. Mind full of questions. Heart that seeks truth.

Grounded now.