Stayingpower

Staying power.

That thing within us that enables us to keep going. Perseverance. Bulldoggedness. Holding tight to what you believe in. Holding tight.

I want to have staying power.

Truth is, I lack it much of the time. I give in to fears, to doubts, to lies.

I listen to those fears and doubts. Is it that I don't believe in myself? Do I believe I don't deserve to have good things happen to me? Maybe.

What are the things in my life worth holding onto for dear life? The obvious answers of course: My family, my friends, and things that make me feel good about myself. Art, music, nature.

Tomorrow I am facing another obstacle.

Committee is set for tomorrow at nine in the morning. It should take the better part of the day for this committee to decide on who the parents of the siblings, "L" and "M" should be.

A writer friend of mine tells me that I need to claim them as mine. To make them mine in my heart, to decide that they belong to us and that will make it so. Positive thinking at it's best.

I try to. But, there is a part deep inside me that fears they will pick another family. Does that mean that it won't happen because inside of me there is a conflict?

There is also the strong desire to want the very best for these two girls. In my heart I want that to be us. My mind questions it. Will the committee think WE are the best for them? I just don't know.

So, if a dog sees a bone laying there, a nice juicy bone...and there are two other dogs all eyeballing the same bone. How many will go for it? All of them likely will try for it. But the most confident dog will end up with it. The one who believes he/she deserves it the most. There may be a dog fight over it, but ultimately, the strongest will prevail.

I know I have that strength inside of me. But it isn't up to me. I think that is the biggest obstacle I face. It isn't up to me if we get them or not. We won't be there. We can't fight for them. We just have to sit back and let others decide for us.

Therein lies my fear.

I have to trust others to decide. I have to let go and be confident that those who are there to represent us know us well enough to show our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. I have to trust that the best will be decided.

So, I will be pacing. Back and forth. Anxiously waiting for the answer.

Staying power.