Isn't it just a little bit strange?
To blog for no one?
All the words, dredged from deep within, thrown out into the nothingness of cyberspace...for only me?
I suppose I can look at it as therapy. The idea that just laying the words down, putting 'pen to paper' in the tradional sense, or typing frantically at the dirty keyboard on my cluttered desk, will actually inspire anyone but me is ludicrous.
I am just me.
All alone here. It does feel a bit strange, but I still feel proud that I have done it.
yes, just a little bit strange.
lovelygirl and me
Monday, July 25, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Hope
A year has passed.
Still no adoption. Still no matches.
Hope lingers on. It has to. If it doesn't, then I am not alive. I would be a mere shell, empty inside.
Hope rises and falls, like the waxing and waning of the moon and sea. Rising up towards the crest, frothing with excitement as I push the 'send' button, rushing our home study on to flooded caseworkers, then falling into depths of despair as I open up the OARE site and find the child I longed for went from "active" to "on-hold."
Countless faces of children in need. I could embrace them all. Compromise makes me keep my searches within boundaries. I don't like those boundaries, but I gave my word.
Their faces swarm before me, eyes full of hope...crooked smiles of trepidation. I want them all. Would that I could be all of their mothers, drawing them to me.
Hope causes me to keep moving forward, even after they seem dashed by no answers. No matches. No committees. Hope moves me towards my goal, one foot in front of the other...just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
It makes me reach out my hand in the darkness, eyes squeezed shut...feeling my way with my heart.
Hope lives.
Still no adoption. Still no matches.
Hope lingers on. It has to. If it doesn't, then I am not alive. I would be a mere shell, empty inside.
Hope rises and falls, like the waxing and waning of the moon and sea. Rising up towards the crest, frothing with excitement as I push the 'send' button, rushing our home study on to flooded caseworkers, then falling into depths of despair as I open up the OARE site and find the child I longed for went from "active" to "on-hold."
Countless faces of children in need. I could embrace them all. Compromise makes me keep my searches within boundaries. I don't like those boundaries, but I gave my word.
Their faces swarm before me, eyes full of hope...crooked smiles of trepidation. I want them all. Would that I could be all of their mothers, drawing them to me.
Hope causes me to keep moving forward, even after they seem dashed by no answers. No matches. No committees. Hope moves me towards my goal, one foot in front of the other...just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
It makes me reach out my hand in the darkness, eyes squeezed shut...feeling my way with my heart.
Hope lives.
Monday, February 28, 2011
timewilltell
Everyone tells you, when you begin the adoption process, that the ups and downs are hard, but the waiting is the hardest part of the whole journey.
So true.
Right after we found out we didn't get the two Asian siblings, I became pretty discouraged. I still took the advise of our adoption worker, and went on the AdoptUSKid website and sent our Home Study out on several girls. All are far away in different states, and all are older than 9 yrs old.
Then, through the OARE site, I did find two that are from Oregon, hooray! A 3 yr old and a 4 1/2 yr old. They aren't siblings so they are separate bulletins. I quickly sent in on them. They are both very cute and would fit in just great.
The age group we are looking at limits us. We really want to find on between the ages of 2 yrs and 10 yrs tops. Preferably under 8 yrs old. Our reasons are simple. We want to establish a good solid relationship with them BEFORE the tumultuous teenage years hit!
Since most girls in foster care have had some type of abuse, it seems to cause them to 'grow up' quickly, at least in that area. So most 9 yr old girls are going on 16 yrs old or more in the whole sexual department. Yikes!
I don't even want to get emotionally connected with either of these two girls. One of the workers at AFFEC, our agency, went through 5 failed committees before finally being selected for their little boy!
Even though we sent out on some out of state girls, we likely would not select them. Mainly because almost all kiddos have siblings and bio family who they want to remain in contact with. I can't really see us having to travel every year, sometimes twice a year, just to let them visit. That would mean no other family vacations anywhere else. I have dreams of taking them to Disneyland, and other family fun spots.
It wouldn't be fair to a child to take them too far away from their bio family, and so we will likely say no if we did get asked to committee.
Since there are so few GIRLS in our age range...we will be waiting a long time.
Time.
Getting older. Time could be running out. Will I see my dreams realized? OR be shut out because they consider us 'too old'????
Only time will tell.
So true.
Right after we found out we didn't get the two Asian siblings, I became pretty discouraged. I still took the advise of our adoption worker, and went on the AdoptUSKid website and sent our Home Study out on several girls. All are far away in different states, and all are older than 9 yrs old.
Then, through the OARE site, I did find two that are from Oregon, hooray! A 3 yr old and a 4 1/2 yr old. They aren't siblings so they are separate bulletins. I quickly sent in on them. They are both very cute and would fit in just great.
The age group we are looking at limits us. We really want to find on between the ages of 2 yrs and 10 yrs tops. Preferably under 8 yrs old. Our reasons are simple. We want to establish a good solid relationship with them BEFORE the tumultuous teenage years hit!
Since most girls in foster care have had some type of abuse, it seems to cause them to 'grow up' quickly, at least in that area. So most 9 yr old girls are going on 16 yrs old or more in the whole sexual department. Yikes!
I don't even want to get emotionally connected with either of these two girls. One of the workers at AFFEC, our agency, went through 5 failed committees before finally being selected for their little boy!
Even though we sent out on some out of state girls, we likely would not select them. Mainly because almost all kiddos have siblings and bio family who they want to remain in contact with. I can't really see us having to travel every year, sometimes twice a year, just to let them visit. That would mean no other family vacations anywhere else. I have dreams of taking them to Disneyland, and other family fun spots.
It wouldn't be fair to a child to take them too far away from their bio family, and so we will likely say no if we did get asked to committee.
Since there are so few GIRLS in our age range...we will be waiting a long time.
Time.
Getting older. Time could be running out. Will I see my dreams realized? OR be shut out because they consider us 'too old'????
Only time will tell.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The answer came sooner than I thought.
No.
We were not selected to be parents to the two girls, "L" and "M". A younger, Chinese couple was selected. We were fairly close in everything with them, neck and neck, but because they are Chinese and the youngest is part chinese, they selected them.
No.
And now to the lower places the adoption journey takes us.
Despair.
No.
We were not selected to be parents to the two girls, "L" and "M". A younger, Chinese couple was selected. We were fairly close in everything with them, neck and neck, but because they are Chinese and the youngest is part chinese, they selected them.
No.
And now to the lower places the adoption journey takes us.
Despair.
dream vs nightmare
I had the most awful nightmare last night.
When I finally woke up, my heart was aching from the very real feelings I felt during my restless sleep.
In my nightmare, my entire family all disowned me...all at once. No explanations, no reasons why...just completely turned on me and pointed their fingers to the exit sign.
First came the complete Shock at what they had done. A terrible blow, that I felt deep into my soul, and also on my actual body. As though I had been hit by a two by four in the dark: surprise...WHACK!
Then the feelings of the most profound Loss imaginable enveloped me. I felt it tangibly, as though I had been immersed in it's black depths, completely and utterly Alone.
Anquish and Rejection came next. I was swimming in it, trying desperately to stay afloat, treading water with every ounce of my being. Slowly, but surely, I started to sink, feeling myself drown in this pool of rejection.
I pleaded and begged for mercy. No one heard me.
My family, who had been there for me up until that point of separation, turned their backs on me. At one point, I felt such utter dispair, I wanted to die, and contemplated killing myself. Life just wasn't worth living.
During all of these feelings of sadness and pain, I also became angry. I lashed out at them all, wanting them to feel some of the pain I was feeling; the hurt and betrayal rushing to the surface and screaming out for justice.
I had two suitcases given to me, left on my bed actually, and I began to try and pack as many of my personal belongings as I could stuff into them, all the while grieving my losses.
Then just as I was walking away, towards some unknown place...I woke up.
Wow.
My physical body was still reacting in real time, to the pain of my dream. My heart ached and I felt like I actually had been sobbing.
It was just a nightmare. I could wake up. I could make it go away. Reality washed over me and hit me again like a ton of bricks.
Today is the day the committee meets and decides for two little girls, who have no voice of their own, on who will become their mother and father. They don't have a say in this.
Neither do we.
In one moment of decision, lives are changed. Forever. This is a monumental decision. It must be made, or they will be foster children forever, unwanted and forlourn.
If we are selected, we will celebrate. We will be joyous and happy, the compiling of many years of dreaming. Our dream to adopt will be realized. The happiness we will feel will be beyond anything we have felt before.
And yet, at that exact same moment, two little girls' dreams will be crushed. They will enter the nightmare I had experienced.
They have already felt much of that nightmare, but being a foster child is a temporary state. They have held onto the hope that they would be reunited with their birth family. No matter how awful life may have been, it still is their family, and they love them.
In order for our dream to be realized, they will have to lose their dreams.
This is what is on my heart today, as I wait for our answer.
May I enter into this motherhood, if chosen, with thoughts of what they are enduring in order for me to realize my dreams.
They will have sacrificed much.
May I ever be mindful of their pain, and loss.
Lord, help them today in their nightmare. Surround them with your angels to protect their little souls. Be with them. Help the committee select the best parents for them. Amen.
When I finally woke up, my heart was aching from the very real feelings I felt during my restless sleep.
In my nightmare, my entire family all disowned me...all at once. No explanations, no reasons why...just completely turned on me and pointed their fingers to the exit sign.
First came the complete Shock at what they had done. A terrible blow, that I felt deep into my soul, and also on my actual body. As though I had been hit by a two by four in the dark: surprise...WHACK!
Then the feelings of the most profound Loss imaginable enveloped me. I felt it tangibly, as though I had been immersed in it's black depths, completely and utterly Alone.
Anquish and Rejection came next. I was swimming in it, trying desperately to stay afloat, treading water with every ounce of my being. Slowly, but surely, I started to sink, feeling myself drown in this pool of rejection.
I pleaded and begged for mercy. No one heard me.
My family, who had been there for me up until that point of separation, turned their backs on me. At one point, I felt such utter dispair, I wanted to die, and contemplated killing myself. Life just wasn't worth living.
During all of these feelings of sadness and pain, I also became angry. I lashed out at them all, wanting them to feel some of the pain I was feeling; the hurt and betrayal rushing to the surface and screaming out for justice.
I had two suitcases given to me, left on my bed actually, and I began to try and pack as many of my personal belongings as I could stuff into them, all the while grieving my losses.
Then just as I was walking away, towards some unknown place...I woke up.
Wow.
My physical body was still reacting in real time, to the pain of my dream. My heart ached and I felt like I actually had been sobbing.
It was just a nightmare. I could wake up. I could make it go away. Reality washed over me and hit me again like a ton of bricks.
Today is the day the committee meets and decides for two little girls, who have no voice of their own, on who will become their mother and father. They don't have a say in this.
Neither do we.
In one moment of decision, lives are changed. Forever. This is a monumental decision. It must be made, or they will be foster children forever, unwanted and forlourn.
If we are selected, we will celebrate. We will be joyous and happy, the compiling of many years of dreaming. Our dream to adopt will be realized. The happiness we will feel will be beyond anything we have felt before.
And yet, at that exact same moment, two little girls' dreams will be crushed. They will enter the nightmare I had experienced.
They have already felt much of that nightmare, but being a foster child is a temporary state. They have held onto the hope that they would be reunited with their birth family. No matter how awful life may have been, it still is their family, and they love them.
In order for our dream to be realized, they will have to lose their dreams.
This is what is on my heart today, as I wait for our answer.
May I enter into this motherhood, if chosen, with thoughts of what they are enduring in order for me to realize my dreams.
They will have sacrificed much.
May I ever be mindful of their pain, and loss.
Lord, help them today in their nightmare. Surround them with your angels to protect their little souls. Be with them. Help the committee select the best parents for them. Amen.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Stayingpower
Staying power.
That thing within us that enables us to keep going. Perseverance. Bulldoggedness. Holding tight to what you believe in. Holding tight.
I want to have staying power.
Truth is, I lack it much of the time. I give in to fears, to doubts, to lies.
I listen to those fears and doubts. Is it that I don't believe in myself? Do I believe I don't deserve to have good things happen to me? Maybe.
What are the things in my life worth holding onto for dear life? The obvious answers of course: My family, my friends, and things that make me feel good about myself. Art, music, nature.
Tomorrow I am facing another obstacle.
Committee is set for tomorrow at nine in the morning. It should take the better part of the day for this committee to decide on who the parents of the siblings, "L" and "M" should be.
A writer friend of mine tells me that I need to claim them as mine. To make them mine in my heart, to decide that they belong to us and that will make it so. Positive thinking at it's best.
I try to. But, there is a part deep inside me that fears they will pick another family. Does that mean that it won't happen because inside of me there is a conflict?
There is also the strong desire to want the very best for these two girls. In my heart I want that to be us. My mind questions it. Will the committee think WE are the best for them? I just don't know.
So, if a dog sees a bone laying there, a nice juicy bone...and there are two other dogs all eyeballing the same bone. How many will go for it? All of them likely will try for it. But the most confident dog will end up with it. The one who believes he/she deserves it the most. There may be a dog fight over it, but ultimately, the strongest will prevail.
I know I have that strength inside of me. But it isn't up to me. I think that is the biggest obstacle I face. It isn't up to me if we get them or not. We won't be there. We can't fight for them. We just have to sit back and let others decide for us.
Therein lies my fear.
I have to trust others to decide. I have to let go and be confident that those who are there to represent us know us well enough to show our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. I have to trust that the best will be decided.
So, I will be pacing. Back and forth. Anxiously waiting for the answer.
Staying power.
That thing within us that enables us to keep going. Perseverance. Bulldoggedness. Holding tight to what you believe in. Holding tight.
I want to have staying power.
Truth is, I lack it much of the time. I give in to fears, to doubts, to lies.
I listen to those fears and doubts. Is it that I don't believe in myself? Do I believe I don't deserve to have good things happen to me? Maybe.
What are the things in my life worth holding onto for dear life? The obvious answers of course: My family, my friends, and things that make me feel good about myself. Art, music, nature.
Tomorrow I am facing another obstacle.
Committee is set for tomorrow at nine in the morning. It should take the better part of the day for this committee to decide on who the parents of the siblings, "L" and "M" should be.
A writer friend of mine tells me that I need to claim them as mine. To make them mine in my heart, to decide that they belong to us and that will make it so. Positive thinking at it's best.
I try to. But, there is a part deep inside me that fears they will pick another family. Does that mean that it won't happen because inside of me there is a conflict?
There is also the strong desire to want the very best for these two girls. In my heart I want that to be us. My mind questions it. Will the committee think WE are the best for them? I just don't know.
So, if a dog sees a bone laying there, a nice juicy bone...and there are two other dogs all eyeballing the same bone. How many will go for it? All of them likely will try for it. But the most confident dog will end up with it. The one who believes he/she deserves it the most. There may be a dog fight over it, but ultimately, the strongest will prevail.
I know I have that strength inside of me. But it isn't up to me. I think that is the biggest obstacle I face. It isn't up to me if we get them or not. We won't be there. We can't fight for them. We just have to sit back and let others decide for us.
Therein lies my fear.
I have to trust others to decide. I have to let go and be confident that those who are there to represent us know us well enough to show our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. I have to trust that the best will be decided.
So, I will be pacing. Back and forth. Anxiously waiting for the answer.
Staying power.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Still in it to win it
I haven't written in awhile. Not that I have given up on the whole process. Definitely still in there, fighting the good fight. Hanging on with dogged determination.
Still in it to win it.
Have you ever run the two mile in track? Not for leisure, but for a recorded time. I have. It isn't easy. Eight times around the track, around and around. My coach said that every time I passed by him, I gave him an evil glare when he yelled encouragement.
But, I hung in there. I never got any fancy medals, though I did come in 6th at State. Not too shabby, really.
By the third lap, you are wondering why the heck you joined track in the first place. One foot in front of the other, pounding the black top. Now they have fancier material to run on, made out of recycled old tires. Softer, bouncier. Back then, we ran on black top.
Fourth lap comes and you want to just quit, to stop and say, "I give up already!" But you don't. You keep running. Bone jarring strides. Thump. Thump. Thump. Bang. Bang. Bang. You just look ahead, see the upcoming curve that marks the end of the track, and think...okay, just once more around.
Five and six are about the same. Just keep running. Just keep running. Time seems to slow down. You might find someone to get behind, someone to break the wind for you. If you're lucky.
On the Seventh lap, you can't give up. You would look like a fool. An idiot. No, you have to make it across the finish line now. No turning back.
Something happens when you round that last corner and your legs pound you down the home stretch. The last yards. You muster up some hidden strength and try to sprint. I say try, because you honestly don't feel you have anything left in you to give. But you do it, somehow.
And you cross it.
The finish line.
Maybe not as fast as everyone expected, least of all the coach. Maybe not as fast as you had hoped...but you did it. There is a sense of triumph.
Of course, you feel like you want to puke, but still, the fact that you accomplished this great thing over-rides all other feelings.
I am in it to win it. I seek the finish line and the results thereafter.
A little girl, or two, or maybe a little girl and little boy. Who knows? I am ready to be a mother again to little ones.
We go to committee on two little darling sisters. No date yet. But, I can feel that I am at least on the seventh lap, rounding the corner towards the finish line. With these two at the line, I can sprint.
I am in it to win them.
Still in it to win it.
Have you ever run the two mile in track? Not for leisure, but for a recorded time. I have. It isn't easy. Eight times around the track, around and around. My coach said that every time I passed by him, I gave him an evil glare when he yelled encouragement.
But, I hung in there. I never got any fancy medals, though I did come in 6th at State. Not too shabby, really.
By the third lap, you are wondering why the heck you joined track in the first place. One foot in front of the other, pounding the black top. Now they have fancier material to run on, made out of recycled old tires. Softer, bouncier. Back then, we ran on black top.
Fourth lap comes and you want to just quit, to stop and say, "I give up already!" But you don't. You keep running. Bone jarring strides. Thump. Thump. Thump. Bang. Bang. Bang. You just look ahead, see the upcoming curve that marks the end of the track, and think...okay, just once more around.
Five and six are about the same. Just keep running. Just keep running. Time seems to slow down. You might find someone to get behind, someone to break the wind for you. If you're lucky.
On the Seventh lap, you can't give up. You would look like a fool. An idiot. No, you have to make it across the finish line now. No turning back.
Something happens when you round that last corner and your legs pound you down the home stretch. The last yards. You muster up some hidden strength and try to sprint. I say try, because you honestly don't feel you have anything left in you to give. But you do it, somehow.
And you cross it.
The finish line.
Maybe not as fast as everyone expected, least of all the coach. Maybe not as fast as you had hoped...but you did it. There is a sense of triumph.
Of course, you feel like you want to puke, but still, the fact that you accomplished this great thing over-rides all other feelings.
I am in it to win it. I seek the finish line and the results thereafter.
A little girl, or two, or maybe a little girl and little boy. Who knows? I am ready to be a mother again to little ones.
We go to committee on two little darling sisters. No date yet. But, I can feel that I am at least on the seventh lap, rounding the corner towards the finish line. With these two at the line, I can sprint.
I am in it to win them.
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