I'm nervous.
What if I come across wrong? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don't like me?
I am human. I don't always say the right thing. I don't always explain things in the way I have it in my head.
Tomorrow we have a conference call with Lovelygirl's team. From that call, they will decide if they want us to move on towards the next step of pursuing adopting her. Of course, we will also have the opportunity to back out too.
I do pray that we will get a real, complete picture of her, and that any issues she may have would be disclosed, so there will be no surprises. I have to trust that God knows exactly WHO will become our daughter, or daughters.
That being said, I also know that we have some input too. I have to trust that He will put the right words in my mouth, and that all will be recieved well.
I don't want to make any mistakes, or forget to ask a question that could be extremely important.
I'm nervous.
lovelygirl and me
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
thoserubyslippers
O.M.G.
It worked!
Yup, it worked. Clicking my heels three times and chanting, "There is a child for us."
Well, at least it got us to the next level. We got a call back on Lovelygirl...the caseworker wants to talk to us next week in a conference call! It's the closest we have been in over a year to getting invited to go to committee.
Now to go through the documents they sent with a fine tooth comb, and come up with as many questions as we can.
After all this time, maybe the waiting will be over. Maybe we will get invited to go to committee. Maybe we will be chosen.
I am sitting here anxiously raising my hand up in the air, waving it frantically..."Pick me! Pick US!"
Going from the depths of despair early this morning, to soaring in the clouds the next.
...those darned lovely sweet shiny beautiful red red ruby slippers
It worked!
Yup, it worked. Clicking my heels three times and chanting, "There is a child for us."
Well, at least it got us to the next level. We got a call back on Lovelygirl...the caseworker wants to talk to us next week in a conference call! It's the closest we have been in over a year to getting invited to go to committee.
Now to go through the documents they sent with a fine tooth comb, and come up with as many questions as we can.
After all this time, maybe the waiting will be over. Maybe we will get invited to go to committee. Maybe we will be chosen.
I am sitting here anxiously raising my hand up in the air, waving it frantically..."Pick me! Pick US!"
Going from the depths of despair early this morning, to soaring in the clouds the next.
...those darned lovely sweet shiny beautiful red red ruby slippers
Thursday, September 8, 2011
murkydepths
It's hard to see the light sometimes.
Those times when you feel like you are being pushed down by the waves, smashing you into the murky depths. Those bottomless pits we find ourselves in from time to time.
You strain to see the sun through all the debris; clawing and kicking, fighting to surface once again.
There are those days when you feel that your feet are chained to a gigantic cement block, forcing you to stay under.
Ah. I am feeling that now.
I keep saying to myself: "Come on Cinnilou, no one ever said this road would be an easy one." It isn't a yellow brick road with beautiful fields with munchkinland lollipop kids standing ready to join your hand and family.
Adoption is a treacherous road. Potholes lurk big enough to drive a semi truck into. Something is always around the bend, like a wicked witch or the flying monkeys, ready to dive down and steal you of your confidence. It's a winding road, with very steep hills to climb. They take your breath away.
Rather than having a friend or two, such as the tin man, or scarecrow, to keep you company and help you get out of any pickles you may get yourself into, you go it alone most of the time.
The searches are for you to do alone...find the kiddos to submit on. (how can you even tell which ones are best suited for you) So, you request to have it submitted. Then wait, and wait...AND wait. Sometimes never hearing anything. Hoping your HS made it into the right hands. You aren't able to connect with their caseworker, you rely on others to advocate for you, and hope that they do.
Oh the frustrations! Oh the downward spirals.
Hence the blog.
Designed to let others (YOU) know they aren't alone in their search for a child, or children. Lookie, lookie...I am right here with you!
I am just like the rest of you. I have my own days of struggling. I have my own insecurites and worries.
Rather than get something from the old Wizard of Oz, I would prefer to leave all those troubling thoughts with him and run. Are there some magic shoes I can put on? Click my heels and say, "There is a child for us" three times? Will that do the trick?
Instead, today, I am in the murky depths. Depression has a grip on my feet, holding me down under. How to get free and rise to the top?
Who knows...maybe I will try it.
"There is a child for us." "There is a child for us." "THERE IS A CHILD FOR US!!!"
and rise from the murky depths.
Those times when you feel like you are being pushed down by the waves, smashing you into the murky depths. Those bottomless pits we find ourselves in from time to time.
You strain to see the sun through all the debris; clawing and kicking, fighting to surface once again.
There are those days when you feel that your feet are chained to a gigantic cement block, forcing you to stay under.
Ah. I am feeling that now.
I keep saying to myself: "Come on Cinnilou, no one ever said this road would be an easy one." It isn't a yellow brick road with beautiful fields with munchkinland lollipop kids standing ready to join your hand and family.
Adoption is a treacherous road. Potholes lurk big enough to drive a semi truck into. Something is always around the bend, like a wicked witch or the flying monkeys, ready to dive down and steal you of your confidence. It's a winding road, with very steep hills to climb. They take your breath away.
Rather than having a friend or two, such as the tin man, or scarecrow, to keep you company and help you get out of any pickles you may get yourself into, you go it alone most of the time.
The searches are for you to do alone...find the kiddos to submit on. (how can you even tell which ones are best suited for you) So, you request to have it submitted. Then wait, and wait...AND wait. Sometimes never hearing anything. Hoping your HS made it into the right hands. You aren't able to connect with their caseworker, you rely on others to advocate for you, and hope that they do.
Oh the frustrations! Oh the downward spirals.
Hence the blog.
Designed to let others (YOU) know they aren't alone in their search for a child, or children. Lookie, lookie...I am right here with you!
I am just like the rest of you. I have my own days of struggling. I have my own insecurites and worries.
Rather than get something from the old Wizard of Oz, I would prefer to leave all those troubling thoughts with him and run. Are there some magic shoes I can put on? Click my heels and say, "There is a child for us" three times? Will that do the trick?
Instead, today, I am in the murky depths. Depression has a grip on my feet, holding me down under. How to get free and rise to the top?
Who knows...maybe I will try it.
"There is a child for us." "There is a child for us." "THERE IS A CHILD FOR US!!!"
and rise from the murky depths.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
in the lows
Here I am again.
In the lows.
Another email saying we were not...NOT considered for a girl.
What is wrong with us? Why do all caseworkers say no? I can't figure it out. Is there something that we are doing wrong? Saying wrong? I feel like we aren't even being given a chance.
Are they contacting our worker at all? What is going on?
How can you not take it personal? All I have wanted is to love...LOVE...a child...and we are refused. We don't have anything bad in our past, we aren't bad people! What is up with this????
I just can't figure it out. I am baffled.
and in the lows.
In the lows.
Another email saying we were not...NOT considered for a girl.
What is wrong with us? Why do all caseworkers say no? I can't figure it out. Is there something that we are doing wrong? Saying wrong? I feel like we aren't even being given a chance.
Are they contacting our worker at all? What is going on?
How can you not take it personal? All I have wanted is to love...LOVE...a child...and we are refused. We don't have anything bad in our past, we aren't bad people! What is up with this????
I just can't figure it out. I am baffled.
and in the lows.
lovelygirl
There is a lovely little girl that has been on my mind this last holiday weekend.
I submitted our home study on her last week. At first I was hesitant. She has one issue that I am not sure how to go about dealing with. At least in the beginning. Now, it doesn't seem nearly as large of an issue.
There has to be a key somewhere. The key to unlocking the door, and finding that scared little forgotten child within. All it takes is patience and perserverance.
When I read her profile, I cry. She never had nurturing. Ever. Not really. She may have had a few moments in her young eight years...something to cling to, hold onto. Unfortunately, she had way more times of neglect.
A lady came in our clinic with her two daughters, and one climbed on her mom's lap while we discussed the options for their pet, a new puppy named "Charlie." I always try to maintain a sense of professionalism, but when the girl snuggled up on her mommy's lap, I couldn't help but yearn for the day when I can do that with mine.
I couldn't help myself, and asked how old her girls were. Ten and eight. The youngest, was the one sitting in her lap.
The little girl we submitted on, "L", probably yearned for a lap like that her whole life. Getting shuffled around to relatives, watching her mother get high and wasted, going hungry...neglected, and abused.
"L" needs that. To take her back to that deprived little girl who really does need to sit in a mommy's lap. To have arms hold her securely, to rock her, smooth her hair...cherish her.
Please don't give up, "L." They are searching for a home for you...they are searching for a new mommy and daddy for you. Hang in there, kiddo. Keep that death grip on life...hang on.
I want it to be us.
lovely girl.
I submitted our home study on her last week. At first I was hesitant. She has one issue that I am not sure how to go about dealing with. At least in the beginning. Now, it doesn't seem nearly as large of an issue.
There has to be a key somewhere. The key to unlocking the door, and finding that scared little forgotten child within. All it takes is patience and perserverance.
When I read her profile, I cry. She never had nurturing. Ever. Not really. She may have had a few moments in her young eight years...something to cling to, hold onto. Unfortunately, she had way more times of neglect.
A lady came in our clinic with her two daughters, and one climbed on her mom's lap while we discussed the options for their pet, a new puppy named "Charlie." I always try to maintain a sense of professionalism, but when the girl snuggled up on her mommy's lap, I couldn't help but yearn for the day when I can do that with mine.
I couldn't help myself, and asked how old her girls were. Ten and eight. The youngest, was the one sitting in her lap.
The little girl we submitted on, "L", probably yearned for a lap like that her whole life. Getting shuffled around to relatives, watching her mother get high and wasted, going hungry...neglected, and abused.
"L" needs that. To take her back to that deprived little girl who really does need to sit in a mommy's lap. To have arms hold her securely, to rock her, smooth her hair...cherish her.
Please don't give up, "L." They are searching for a home for you...they are searching for a new mommy and daddy for you. Hang in there, kiddo. Keep that death grip on life...hang on.
I want it to be us.
lovely girl.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
labels and decisions.
More new submissions. Rethinking older ones.
Are we giving each one the time it deserves? We were told to submit to as many as we could, but then it feels like the ones you really want you don't get picked for, and the ones who you weren't really sure on the fit are the ones that come through.
One that we originally said no to keeps coming back to me in my mind and heart. We didn't read the documents that the caseworker sent, because the initial response had said some things that scared us.
I need to get it in my head that there are no perfect children...anywhere. Not just foster kiddos, but any kiddo. I can't be afraid of 'issues" that she might have. I am not fearful of some things, like ADD or ADHD, or even Anxiety Adjustment Disorder. But some are a little more scary. Mood Disorder for one.
What exactly does that mean? Are they mentally ill, or is this just a manifestation of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Soldiers who are coming back from the war have PTSD. Are they also suffering from varying types of Mood Disorder? Do they get the help they need? Is it a lifetime disorder or is it something that can be fixed in time?
These questions plague me, gnawing at my brain. So, initially we weren't sure on a little girl we submitted on.
She seems to have an 'invisible friend' and immediately in the foster kid world that sends up huge red flags to everyone. Oh, she might be schizophrenic...but then again, countless kiddos who are in 'normal households' have imaginary friends and don't immediately get tagged with these HUGE baggage CLINICAL Brands!
How does one know? What can we handle and what can't we handle?
The key is to keep moving forward in the adoption process until you know for sure that it IS something that you just CANNOT handle. Keep saying 'YES' until you have to say 'NO' and read up on everything first before you give an answer off the cuff just because initially a word scared you.
What are labels anyway? Who decides if they are permanent or not? Helen Keller was basically thought to be hopeless. All it took was one individual who had hope, and perserverance. Her lifeline came in the form of a stubborn teacher.
I can be stubborn. I can be patient. I can love. I contacted our adoption worker and asked to be reconsidered. I finally got the courage to read the documents. Had to laugh. It wasn't nearly as bad as my mind had made it.
Silly. Hope renews.
Read the label. Study on it. Get as much information as you possibly can. Then decide.
Labels.
Are we giving each one the time it deserves? We were told to submit to as many as we could, but then it feels like the ones you really want you don't get picked for, and the ones who you weren't really sure on the fit are the ones that come through.
One that we originally said no to keeps coming back to me in my mind and heart. We didn't read the documents that the caseworker sent, because the initial response had said some things that scared us.
I need to get it in my head that there are no perfect children...anywhere. Not just foster kiddos, but any kiddo. I can't be afraid of 'issues" that she might have. I am not fearful of some things, like ADD or ADHD, or even Anxiety Adjustment Disorder. But some are a little more scary. Mood Disorder for one.
What exactly does that mean? Are they mentally ill, or is this just a manifestation of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Soldiers who are coming back from the war have PTSD. Are they also suffering from varying types of Mood Disorder? Do they get the help they need? Is it a lifetime disorder or is it something that can be fixed in time?
These questions plague me, gnawing at my brain. So, initially we weren't sure on a little girl we submitted on.
She seems to have an 'invisible friend' and immediately in the foster kid world that sends up huge red flags to everyone. Oh, she might be schizophrenic...but then again, countless kiddos who are in 'normal households' have imaginary friends and don't immediately get tagged with these HUGE baggage CLINICAL Brands!
How does one know? What can we handle and what can't we handle?
The key is to keep moving forward in the adoption process until you know for sure that it IS something that you just CANNOT handle. Keep saying 'YES' until you have to say 'NO' and read up on everything first before you give an answer off the cuff just because initially a word scared you.
What are labels anyway? Who decides if they are permanent or not? Helen Keller was basically thought to be hopeless. All it took was one individual who had hope, and perserverance. Her lifeline came in the form of a stubborn teacher.
I can be stubborn. I can be patient. I can love. I contacted our adoption worker and asked to be reconsidered. I finally got the courage to read the documents. Had to laugh. It wasn't nearly as bad as my mind had made it.
Silly. Hope renews.
Read the label. Study on it. Get as much information as you possibly can. Then decide.
Labels.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
A Child Is Waiting
I just watched a movie, "A Child Is Waiting." Filmed in 1963, it starred Burt Lancaster and none other than Judy Garland, our Dorothy of the Wizzard of Oz.
Sadly, it told the story of a little boy whose father brought him to a school, or home, for the mentally challenged. Rueben, a borderline mentally challenged boy portrayed in black and white, brought home the stark reality of life for kiddos back in the days where misunderstanding allowed kids to be shoved into institutions and spend their lives there, forgotten and unloved.
Little Rueben sat every Wednesday during the allotted 'family visiting day' for his folks to come visit him, but alas, they never came.
His little anquished heart could not move forward, it was stuck. Stuck right in that spot where his daddy left him. Stuck.
How many of the kiddos in the foster system feel like little Rueben? How many nights do they yearn for their parents, or any parents, to come and save them, and take them home?
A Child waits.
For me?
I can only hope so. I can only pray so.
A child waits...
Sadly, it told the story of a little boy whose father brought him to a school, or home, for the mentally challenged. Rueben, a borderline mentally challenged boy portrayed in black and white, brought home the stark reality of life for kiddos back in the days where misunderstanding allowed kids to be shoved into institutions and spend their lives there, forgotten and unloved.
Little Rueben sat every Wednesday during the allotted 'family visiting day' for his folks to come visit him, but alas, they never came.
His little anquished heart could not move forward, it was stuck. Stuck right in that spot where his daddy left him. Stuck.
How many of the kiddos in the foster system feel like little Rueben? How many nights do they yearn for their parents, or any parents, to come and save them, and take them home?
A Child waits.
For me?
I can only hope so. I can only pray so.
A child waits...
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