day-to-day

Sigh.

Perhaps an even bigger one...

SIGH.

I keep checking on the status of the kiddos we submitted on through the OARE site.

Good news? They are all still showing "ACTIVE."  This means to me that I still have a shot at getting picked to go to committee.  A chance to be their mom.

I have been to committee once.  We were the second family...the 'back up' so to speak.  Terrible, but I kept hoping that somehow it wouldn't work with the first family, and they would come to us.  That lasted about a month long, the wishing...but over-all  I am grateful for the kiddos sake that it did work out, that they found their family. Out of the foster system and into a loving family.

I want it to be my turn.  My turn to be selected.  Been hoping a very long time.

I mentor a girl who just turned 11 today.  She is absolutely a sweet, wonderful girl.  She spent the afternoon and evening here with me yesterday.  I took her up to a fun little spot along a small river and we played in the water, catching crawdads...learning about them...and just splashing around.

We are finally at a place where we are comfortable just being together...no worries, just taking it day by day.  I don't have to worry about finding something to entertain her every second.  She was with me for 8 hours and the time flies by quickly.  She said something that warmed my heart when we finally left the picnic spot...she said, "This was the best day ever." 

Those simple words drove home the reality; that I am going to do okay at this. I can do this.

I realize that this is how it could be, if and when we finally adopt our girl, or girls.  Just livin' day to day...basking in the knowledge that she/they aren't going anywhere, that we have all the time in the world to explore new places, to bond even more, to love even deeper. 

Lookin' forward to that.

Day to Day.

whenopportunityknocks

How many times does the proverbial door of opportunity open anyway?

How many chances does one get? 

We were asked to consider two girls, siblings, that needed placement rather quickly.  It was to be a newer type of placement, starting with Mentoring them for an undetermined amount of time, then if that worked out, moving on to fostering them, and ultimately adoption. 

I have to admit, I do like the idea of that program.  It is much less stressful for the kiddos, without the pressure of expectations on their plates.  It gives the adopter a chance to get to know the real side of them.  I base this statement on my current experiences with mentoring a ten year old girl.  She doesn't feel like she has to 'put on an act' for me, she is genuine and real. With no fear of rejection.

The major problem I knew we would have to overcome is their age.  My husband agreed to siblings IF they were young, such as "L" and "M" were.   I am a whole lot more flexible on that than my husband.  I would take a boy/girl group too, but he doesn't want to. 

We were sent the files on them, at least part of them.  No pictures.  No profile.  Just a clinical evaluation of them.  Two girls, ages 12 and almost 10.  Nothing of real concern in the evaluations of them really, other than the normal ranges of Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety (totally expect that!) and ADD or ADHD. 

We were supposed to read about them and talk about it and decide.  My husband said no.

Our caseworker had mentioned that if we keep saying no, we won't get a child.

Should we just settle then? I am torn.  I don't want to lose an opportunity.  I don't want to pass up a child/or children if they might end up being the right fit. For an adoption to be a success, there needs to be as many positives as we can possibly fit in. I think settling increases the chance of failure.

In the back of my mind, in the front of my heart...I feel like we need just a little bit younger girl/girls.

How many chances will we get? How many times will opportunity knock on our door?

I am fearful.

MEOW!

I am currently fostering four little kittens, whose mother was killed when they were about 2 1/2 weeks old. 

A gentleman brought them into the clinic where I work and pleaded for someone to take them. 

I, being the soft hearted fool that I am, raised my hand and said "yes" with a huge "SUCKER" painted to my forehead!

Now nearing 3 weeks into feedings, helping them potty, cleaning them up and hearing them persistently squalling every 2 1/2 hours...I find myself exhausted.  Yes, I admit it.  I have thrown up my hands in the air and cried to the heavens, "WHAT on EARTH possessed me to take these things?" My husband looks on, amused, as I complain about scratch marks on my ankles from starving kittens clawing their way up my leg to get to the one and only nipple, full of milk.

Seriously, they act like they haven't eaten in days.  Meow, meow, meow!!!

What on earth, you might ask, does THIS have to do with adoption?

AHHHH.....

There will be times when we ask ourselves, "WHY did we do this?" "What on EARTH was I thinking?!"
There will be times when we cry to the heavens, and fall upon the bed, completely and utterly exhausted.

The kittens don't care how I feel.  They only have survival in mind.  When and where is the next meal coming? Who can scratch and claw their way first to the nipple? Who will be the strongest one, and push the other off?
Survival.

We haven't been matched yet.  But, I do know there will be those low moments.  Best to be honest with myself. Best to prepare for it now in my heart.  Best to know that beyond the survival methods we will face with these kiddos, there lies a broken heart, waiting for the walls to come down...waiting for that moment when they finally realize their needs are actually being met and they can relax, relax into our hearts.

Meow!

reminderz

Squish.

Squish, squish...mud oozes through bared toes as I plod along.

This could be a moment of pure disgust, of pure horror...or of pure joy.

I happen to be a tomboy at heart, and think that the feeling of the wet earth is a good thing.  A moment of bliss.

I could chose to look at the negative side of things, and run for the showers.  I could look at it as a hinderance...walking on a clear path is the easier, less dirty route and I could get to my destination sooner. 

I could chose to sit down and wallow in it too.

But I don't.  Not today.  Not tomorrow. 

I choose to relish it.  To laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all; to continue trudging along on this uneasy path, the path of adoption.

I have to remind myself of that beach long ago.  (see first postings) The footprints in the sand.  Mine and a child, or children...running through the wet sand...barefoot.  Oh the possibilities!

I chose to remember.

Is anyone out there?

Isn't it just a little bit strange?

To blog for no one?

All the words, dredged from deep within, thrown out into the nothingness of cyberspace...for only me?

I suppose I can look at it as therapy.  The idea that just laying the words down, putting 'pen to paper' in the tradional sense, or typing frantically at the dirty keyboard on my cluttered desk, will actually inspire anyone but me is ludicrous.

I am just me.

All alone here.  It does feel a bit strange, but I still feel proud that I have done it.

yes, just a little bit strange.

Hope

A year has passed. 

Still no adoption. Still no matches.

Hope lingers on.  It has to. If it doesn't, then I am not alive.  I would be a mere shell, empty inside.

Hope rises and falls, like the waxing and waning of the moon and sea. Rising up towards the crest, frothing with excitement as I push the 'send' button, rushing our home study on to flooded caseworkers, then falling into depths of despair as I open up the OARE site and find the child I longed for went from "active" to "on-hold."

Countless faces of children in need. I could embrace them all. Compromise makes me keep my searches within boundaries. I don't like those boundaries, but I gave my word.

Their faces swarm before me, eyes full of hope...crooked smiles of trepidation.  I want them all.  Would that I could be all of their mothers, drawing them to me.

Hope causes me to keep moving forward, even after they seem dashed by no answers.  No matches. No committees.  Hope moves me towards my goal, one foot in front of the other...just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

It makes me reach out my hand in the darkness, eyes squeezed shut...feeling my way with my heart.

Hope lives.

timewilltell

Everyone tells you, when you begin the adoption process, that the ups and downs are hard, but the waiting is the hardest part of the whole journey.

So true.

Right after we found out we didn't get the two Asian siblings, I became pretty discouraged.  I still took the advise of our adoption worker, and went on the AdoptUSKid website and sent our Home Study out on several girls.  All are far away in different states, and all are older than 9 yrs old.

Then, through the OARE site, I did find two that are from Oregon, hooray! A 3 yr old and a 4 1/2 yr old.  They aren't siblings so they are separate bulletins.  I quickly sent in on them.  They are both very cute and would fit in just great.

The age group we are looking at limits us.  We really want to find on between the ages of 2 yrs and 10 yrs tops.  Preferably under 8 yrs old.  Our reasons are simple.  We want to establish a good solid relationship with them BEFORE the tumultuous teenage years hit!

Since most girls in foster care have had some type of abuse, it seems to cause them to 'grow up' quickly, at least in that area. So most 9 yr old girls are going on 16 yrs old or more in the whole sexual department. Yikes!

I don't even want to get emotionally connected with either of these two girls.  One of the workers at AFFEC, our agency, went through 5 failed committees before finally being selected for their little boy!

Even though we sent out on some out of state girls, we likely would not select them.  Mainly because almost all kiddos have siblings and bio family who they want to remain in contact with.  I can't really see us having to travel every year, sometimes twice a year, just to let them visit.  That would mean no other family vacations anywhere else.  I have dreams of taking them to Disneyland, and other family fun spots. 

It wouldn't be fair to a child to take them too far away from their bio family, and so we will likely say no if we did get asked to committee.

Since there are so few GIRLS in our age range...we will be waiting a long time. 

Time.

Getting older.  Time could be running out. Will I see my dreams realized? OR be shut out because they consider us 'too old'????

Only time will tell.