seizethemoments

Sitting quietly in the chair yesterday evening, I heard a meowing noise and smiled.

Lovelygirl crawled around on the floor with her kitty, Rosie; pretending to be a kitty.  She crawled over by my chair, and I bent down and pet the top of her head saying, "nice kitty" to our daughter.

She meowed and rubbed her cheek on my hand so I played along with the game.

In seconds she was up in my lap, meowing and trying to rub her little cheek against mine.

I held my breath. Waiting.

She worked her way into an almost fetal position on my lap, and I quietly wrapped her in my arms, all the while talking to the "kitty" in a soft voice, stroking her cheek and forehead.

Soon we were rocking and she snuggled up in my arms, like a sweet little lost baby who never got rocked like this.

She meowed a little more, then shut her eyes, a blissful smile on her little face. I kissed the top of her head and hummed.

Then I sang a couple of songs to her, using the "kitty" as her;  "Jesus Loves You This I Know" and "Rock-a-bye Kitty."

Amazingly, her body relaxed.  Then relaxed even more. Her breathing changed and I realized with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, that she had actually fallen asleep in my arms.

This enchanting child. Asleep in my arms.

There had to be a certain amount of security felt in order to do that. There had to be a longing in her little heart. She needed me. She needed to be rocked like a baby. She needed to feel all wrapped up and held. She needed to feel love. She needed me.

I met that need. Instinctively, I suppose...that nurturing part of me able to respond in a quiet heartbeat.

Though it only lasted a short time; our dog barked and she startled awake; in my heart it will last forever.

I could feel the rising in my heart as she slept so peacefully.  A little more love rising up. Compassion overwelming me. A mother's love growing inside.

May I be ever mindful of her needs. May I seize those little moments she offers me, and return her tentative reaching out with true compassion and love.  Watching for them, waiting for them.  Little seeds growing.

seizing the moment.

pleased

I am so pleased!

Things are working out so well. Lovelygirl is a delightful, enchanting child. Though she is not without her issues, (only have had one accident thus far) her beauty and shining personality far outweigh those. She is a whole lot more than just her "issues." 

Today we decorated cookies, made fudge and also made and decorated a gingerbread house.

I look at her and think wow, she is such a beautiful child...how could those terrible things have happened to her? She deserves a chance to be loved and to thrive, and thankfully, now she has one.

About an hour ago, she was sitting on the arm of the chair I was seated in, all giggling and happy.  She "fell over" into my lap, and then snuggled right up on my lap.  She gave a tentative hug, and I hugged her right back. Then, without even realizing it, I was rocking her...and she stayed put and let me!

You can't even imagine the joy I felt when she let me rock her...and so I told her that since I didn't get to rock her when she was a baby, I could now...and then I sang to her..."Rock-a-bye baby..."  She giggled, and curled right up and let me. This pleases me to no end! She has missed so much in her life already, time to start making up for those missed milestones.

She still calls me by my first name, even though in foster homes it has only taken a day or so for her to start calling them "mom" she hasn't done that, and I am so proud of her for that!!!

This means that she knows the difference! When she is ready to really call me "mom" (if she does) she will mean it. 

She hasn't kissed me and has only given small hugs. (we did have one eskimo kiss...rubbing noses) But what a treasure those hugs are!


I start each day by telling her that "today is a new day" and we can make it whatever we want it to be.

I am staying pretty grounded and am actually very proud of myself as well.  I have managed to stay calm and consistent and making good eye contact and all those wonderful things that Dr. Karen Purvis talks about in her book, "The Connected Child" which I highly recomend you all to read at least 3 times!

Of course there will be tough times...many of them, I am sure. Already I know this...lovelygirl is worth it.

pleased.

today!

Today is the day!

Today we pick up lovelygirl, transfer all her schtuff into our rig and waaalaaaa, we will have our new daughter for two whole weeks!!!

My excitement knows no bounds.  I will have to keep it somewhat subdued so that I don't scare her! lol
FM did tell her that she is coming here, and she is excited too! This makes me happy! FM is going to be able to have a much needed break from lovelygirl.

I have read alot about how foster kiddos act out very frequently during the transition period just prior to adoption, and lovelygirl is no exception. Poor FM! She has had to deal with all that.  We are very appreciative of her willingness to do this for our girl!

I tried not to plan too much. We are going to decorate cookies on Tuesday.  Maybe make some fudge, candied pretzels etc.

Then just hanging out here, playing games, watching Christmas movies etc.

3 1/2 hours.

Today!!

P.S. weatherman said it WILL be sunny today, just like little orphan annie sang about!!!

tomorrow

little orphan annie

singing her hopes and dreams on a vintage movie

the sun will come out

tomorrow

bet your bottom dollar there'll be sun

just thinkin about

tomorrow

clears up all the cobwebs and the sorrows

till there's none

tomorrow, tomorrow...i love ya, tomorrow

you're only a day away.

only a day away.

less than 24 hours actually

till we pick up lovelygirl

our own little annie

sadly, she doesn't know yet

a two week visit with us, our first christmas together as a family

priceless

tomorrow

dreams, hopes, wishes

if she did know that she was coming home with us for a two week visit, would she be excited? would she be happy?

tomorrow

anticipation

In four short days, or long days as it feels at times; we will be picking up our daughter, lovelygirl, for a two week long visit.

Anticipating her arrival here brings a flux of emotions, from nervousness (will we be able to keep up with her issues? will we be able to create some type of connection?) to pure excitement, (making cookies, playing in the snow, reading books to her, and of course Christmas!)

I have to temper that excitement with a reality check, of course.

I don't want to overwhelm her.  Thus, we are keeping it a relatively simple Christmas. No big parties, no big outings.  Simple.

On the other hand, I do know that our lovelygirl has an outgoing personality, at least from what we have seen and heard. 

Guess we will just play it by ear so to speak.  Live in the moment, evalutate each day how she is doing and how to adjust our schedule to meet her needs. Be in tune to her emotions. Be everwatchful so she doesn't feel overwhelmed.

A big part of keeping their anxiety level down is to keep them well informed of upcoming events, at least I keep reading this. It gives her a chance to get emotionally prepared. 

Because it is the holidays, she will be meeting new family members.  We are keeping those gatherings small, and one at a time, so she can process them and deal with each one.

anticipation.

My head swims with all the things I need to be aware of, to be ready for and to watch out for.

She has some big issues.  How will they present? Will she wait until she is here for good and the "honeymoon period" ends? Or will she test us from day one?

anticipaton.

we will have her all to ourselves for two whole weeks.

*smile*

celebrations

Fireworks are exploding above my house right now.

Not literally, but figuratively.  Boom! Boom!

My heart is flying right now! Soaring up, up into the clouds.

She is legally free!

Our lovelygirl is legally free to be adopted.  By us. Let the adoption commence!!!

And

that little Christmas miracle that I have been hoping for and believing in...

it happened

Our lovelygirl gets to spend Christmas break with us!!!

I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

our miracle.

our lovelygirl

celebrations!

today

Today is the day.

Today, "Team lovelygirl" goes before a judge, and shows him her paperwork, and her birthmom's relinquishment papers.

Then, he stamps them, "legally free."

Initially, when we first started this adoption journey, we hadn't wanted to even look at kiddos that were considered "legal risk," It frightened us to think we could get selected, and go through who knows how long of a wait and end up not getting that child, or children after all.  Time invested, risks seemingly too high.

God knew, didn't He?

After over a year of submitting, and not getting selected, or getting selected to go to committee and then not being chosen as the family, or thinking we found one, and having it all blow up in our faces; we were tired of getting nowhere.

Lovelygirl wasn't on the typical search sites. We only found her because a recruiter sent her profile to "C" at AFFEC.  She immediately sent it to me. (She is so great!) I read the profile and wasn't sure. I kept going back and looking at it. She had a couple of issues that seemed too difficult at the time.

I tossed and turned it over in my mind. 

Other than these two issues, she really had so few of the other ones.  I really prayed hard. By morning, my mind was made up.

She would be worth the risk.  I felt this as strongly as I heard God promise to me those many years ago, that I would have a daughter some day.

There would be no going back.

So, though there has been a bit of a wait, to come to this day; this day of new beginnings, I have not felt the anxiety I thought I would. Sure, there have been those moments I waver in my convictions. But overall, it hasn't been nearly as huge of an obstacle as I made it out to be in my mind.

Today is the day.

New beginnings. We can finally move forward with the adoption. She can finally be ours.

today.

rosie

Rosie is laying in front of the woodstove. Sprawled out, soaking in as much of the warmth as she can on this chilly day.

A girl came in the clinic a few weeks ago, holding a tiny 6 week old kitten. The kitty had been wandering in the street, and got scooped up right after almost being flattened by a truck.

Working at a veterinarian clinic has it's ups and downs. People generally think of us first when they find an animal.

And I, being the soft hearted sucker than I am, decided I would take her home with me.  Thought about fostering her until she grew a bit more, then finding her a home. After a vaccination and a treatment of advantage, she rode home on my lap.

Though only 6 weeks old and just a mite of a thing, she held her own against our three dogs, not backing down, but walking right up to their faces. No hissing, no spitting, not even a hair rose from her tail or back.

hmmmm.

A month or so ago, we had to put our old kitty, Sophie, to 'sleep.'  I had already found homes for the 4 kittens I had bottle fed from 2 weeks old. We hadn't known we would be letting Sophie go, or I would have just kept one of them.

My thoughts of course went to lovelygirl.  She is a "cat person" more than a "dog person" and we had planned on giving her a kitten when she got here.

Two different lines of thought bounced around in my brain. 

On one hand, it would be cool for her to pick out a kitty.  She would be able to find one she really liked and have a hand in selecting her very own kitten.

On the other hand, maybe she would benefit from having a kitten already here, one that was waiting for her.  Something she could grasp, and hold onto when she visits, and a solid, real live kitten to look forward to coming back to. 

Animals are so unconditional.

So, the next time I talked to lovelygirl on the phone, I asked her..."If you could have a kitty, what color would you want it to be?"

Not even the slightest hesitation, her answer came across the wire, "Black!"

Guess what? The kitten is black.

So, I told her about how I got her, and I told her if she wanted, we could find a home for this one, and then she could help pick out a kitten when she got here. 

Again, no hesitation, "I want that one!" she announced.

Dilemna solved.

"Of course," I explained, "this kitty has no name, and since she is yours now, you get to name her."

We chatted for awhile, and suddenly she piped up in an excited little voice, "I have a name! I have a name for the kitty!"

"Oh good, cuz she needs a name. What is her name going to be?"

"Rosie."

So, we have Rosie now. She is a sweet little girl, and has no fear of the dogs, or Puddin, our other scaredy cat. She is feisty, but will snuggle up on your neck and purr. I send pictures via email and text of Rosie to lovelygirl.  Something to look forward to, something already here that is hers. Hers alone.

purrrrfect!

fourdays

Four days.

In four days, our lovelygirl will be stamped, (via files) "legally free" and then we can proceed with all the beaucratic happenings.

The pang in my heart lets me know that it hit me again, this unfairness, this sadness, this loss.

In order for us to have our desires; lovelygirl, our lovelygirl herself has to endure the greatest loss of all.  Her birth mother and family.

I don't feel guilty per say, because her loss wasn't my doing.  It was her birthmother who neglected her since birth, her 'legal' father who let a step"mother" beat her, and her family who didn't step forward to take her in.

I don't feel anger towards them. Their lifestyles they chose dictated what path lovelygirl would take, and in their weakness to put her needs first, they lost a most precious gift: darling lovelygirl.

The angst I feel is empathy.  I feel for lovelygirl and the sorrows she will face, the devastating loss she will feel, and the uncertain future she stands facing.

How can I help her? How can I touch her life in a way that a new hope will spring anew?

My prayers are first and foremost for her. I pray God's unfailing love and peace over her. I pray for healing in her heart, mind and soul.  I pray for hope to come alive in her. I pray for strength for her to deal with the scary changes ahead.

4 more days. 4 days and then a new life for her begins.

May it be everything that her first 8 yrs were not. May it begin with love.